Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 31

"Just for that," I threatened, I snatched up Opal by each of her athletically sculpted ass cheek and pulled her up so that when she wrapped her legs around me, they were right below my ribcage.

"Oh, oh, ah," Opal rumbled in satisfaction as I began to rapidly switch from feasting on one breast to the other. "I'm going to remember that teasing you in the morning gets me major satis --" she gulped because my cock had just pierced her outer pussy lips and I was pulling her up and down to drive it from the base of her cunt until my shaft was grinding up and down her clit.

"Damn," Opal muttered, "I'm not going to finish out this semester a virgin." That wasn't what I expected and I really should have expected what came next. Vivian stepped up and slapped me on the back of my head -- aka a Jethro "Gibbs" style slap. Before long, I'm going to start calling her 'Boss'.

"Repeat after me; I will respect Opal's virginity," Vivian commanded me, "or I will find myself praying on my knees an extra hour every day until the end of time." I could handle a little extra personal prayer time. Putting Vivian on her knees -- mind out of the gutter -- for an extra hour every day was inhuman – it was insidious – it was blackmail.

"Damn it, Vivian," Brandi complained, "you've barely started showering with us and you are already proving to be no fun." Vivian exhibited to me once again she would make a wonderful mother. She stepped up to Brandi and smacked her on the back of her head too. Brandi squawked.

"Zane is not here for your amusement," Vivian lectured. "If you are dead-set on repudiating your Purity Pledge, give it some deliberation, then put your thoughts into writing and give it to your Spiritual Advisor. You shouldn't lose your virginity simply because Zane rubs his penis over your...sexual region."

"Actually, Vivian, that is exactly how it happens," Barbie Lynn teased from down the line, "A man's cock rubs along a woman's cunt lips and momentum takes over...or so I've been told."

"Don't worry, ladies," Rio laughed. "Zane is hung like a termite. Real men are much, much bigger." Several girls were frightfully curious about the veracity of that declaration. The internet said one thing but Rio was an honest to God whore (or so many believed).

"Think about who said what," Valarie snorted. "Would you rather believe Rio or a warning found in a bathroom stall?" That brought some laughter. "Besides, it wasn't too long ago Rio was calling Zane a gerbil right before he pounded her so hard she developed temporary paralysis in the lower half of her body."

"That's a bold-faced lie!" Rio shouted. "I could still wiggle my toes." Next to her, Mercy gave a start. "I swear by the WMD's of George W. Bush, Senorita, you're smuggling a dwarf up there somewhere and I'm going to find him." Mercy hiccupped and I could swear she began whispering 'hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off...'

"Come with me, Zane," Iona tugged on me. "Put Opal down; you need to shower before your time runs out."

Three people could get me to put Opal down; Opal, of course, Vivian (she's my matronly authority), and Iona. I put Opal down with some reluctance on both our parts before following Iona to the end of the line and going it alone. It certainly got me back to my room on time but I missed some of the fun.

I had a lot on my plate, both friend-wise and scholastically, so I was grateful that Iona hurriedly pulled out some clothes and shoes for me. She blew me a kiss, clutched her wrapped towel tight to her chest, and scampered off. Of all my favorite female companions, she was the only one left who hadn't moved in.

I learned this when Valarie and Vivian opened up one of my wardrobes, dropped their towels, and began taking out shirts. Apparently I'm easily amused because my concentration on dressing slipped when they bent over in tandem to pick out some shoes at the bottom of the wooden cupboard. Only the naked beauty of Barbie Lynn sashaying blithely between them and me let my mind snap back to reality.

Firm asses, cutting the perfect contours above and around two succulent and moist sets of pussy lips; I am hopelessly addicted to female anatomy. The action of pulling my underwear up collided with the vision of Paige's journey past me, causing me to think 'Paige moved in – when?' Better yet, she began raiding Rio's stuff.

"Ah, you don't want to do that," I cautioned her. She turned and wiggled her panty-covered butt my way. She had on a new brand – not a new pair but a whole new type, so sheer that it looked like I was viewing her naked ass through a light fog. "Nice – um – underwear."

"When Barbie Lynn was getting some from that shop downtown I decided to have her pick me up some but sadly," she moped, "all the beige were gone in my size." Paige smiled and pulled out a pair of white hose and garters. "Rio said I could use these if I was her – what was the term – 'Spank Monkey' for one night this weekend."

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I chose Life! I quickly got dressed and fled to the first floor before the blood loss to my penis caused me to permanently revert to a 9th grader. It is not lost on me that in Macho Man (Randy Savage) world, I have just been chased from my room by some barely-clad babes. If this was the sole snapshot of my life, I would look so gay; not a transgender or cross-dresser, though. I would rock as either one of those!

It was not lost on me that I was missing prime exercise time but I wasn't going back to my room. Okay, I wasn't going back to my room and eating breakfast. Okay, I wasn't going back to my room and engaging in a three-way, which would imply eating, just not breakfast. I jogged across campus instead. Technically, curfew was still in force but since I was running away from women, campus security decided to leave me alone.

At the gym I slipped into Karate bottoms and did some of the resistance techniques that were my staple. Coach Gorman arrived moments after I came out of the locker room and laughed at me in that oh-so-superior 'I told you so' manner – damn it. We never exchanged a word and I was gone with ten minutes to spare.

Head of Security Gabrielle Black walked past me as I made my way to the Dining Hall. It took me a second to work out the geography and physics to come to the conclusion that she'd been with me in the gym all along – I simply hadn't seen her. By the look of her hair, she'd been working out too.

"What?" I groused as I ran to catch up with her. "Were you up in the ceiling?" She didn't even break stride and she certainly didn't answer. "Damn, am I going to have to study the angles of the cameras to figure out where you were?" I persisted, and then she had mercy.

"The cameras are on a mobile diagram pattern and you will get hurt trying to figure that out so I will compromise; I was there, and I will slap you with groundskeeper duties for the next five Saturdays if you go looking into this any further," Gabrielle told me.

That was Gabrielle and compromise; do what I say and I'll give you a treat; if you don't, I'll hurt you. Not that she was likely to have offspring this side of a cloning experiment, but if she did, I'd feel sorry for the little ones. I'd never help them because I don't willing seek pain for no gain, but I'd feel very sorry from a distance.

The Dining Hall was almost a relief. That relief died the moment I saw the banner over the front of the serving area in the Hall. 'Zane Appreciation Day'. Since every word was spelled correctly, it wasn't some stunt of Rio's, but beyond that, the list of suspects was too large to consider. This could be a genuine outpouring of acceptance and sympathy for what I had endured here. If you believe that, I have to ask you: 'Do you want your leprechaun pissing Guinness or Irish Malt?'

Most likely, this was going to be some sort of humiliation, and I think I knew the flavor, and I definitely knew how to find out. See, in every seat of the Dining Hall was a big, bowling ball sized white box with a name and secured with a gold and green ribbon – so no cheating; no peeking. That last bit didn't deter me, though. I snuck up on the box marked for Holiday Carpenter.

"Zane, does that have your name on it?" Virginia Goodswell asked me, my English teacher and Spiritual Advisor. Hell, if it had been Mrs. Marlowe, I would have opened it anyway, but Virginia was my buddy so her next question didn't mean to stab a stake of regret through my heart. "Where is Vivian?"

"I left my room before she was done." I looked to the ground while I kicked some imaginary dust off the slate floor.

"Why don't you see if she's been calling you?" she suggested. "She's probably worried." Worried...or homicidal because, ya know, I had sort of run off without my phone, wallet, watch, book bag, or anything else a 21st century student might need.

"I ran away like a big, fat chicken," I confessed. "Anything not glued to my body I left behind."

"I'll give her a call." She pulled out her phone and hit speed dial #2. I crap since her sick mother is probably #1. I am such a big problem for her, she has my guardian on speed dial! "That is Holiday Carpenter's box, Zane, not yours. Besides, there are strict instructions to not open the boxes until instructed."

The panicky response I overheard from Virginia's conversation with Vivian hardly helped my mood. She wanted to know if Virginia knew where I was – she did; that I was okay – I was; and finally, what upset me, because the other girls weren't talking but apparently Mercy had started slapping Barbie Lynn around until Rio and Val pulled her off. Now, that made less than no sense. Wasn't that supposed to work the other way around?

Virginia did a double check and sure enough, Mercy had slammed Barbie Lynn into an open wardrobe on my behalf, and Rio and Val had pulled her back. WTF! I am sure that Rio was right beside me on that one. Vivian triple checked that I was physically and mentally okay and she sounded so disappointed – in herself – as she did so. She was bringing my stuff; yes, I am an earthworm. Virginia promised for me that I would remain here until she arrived.

Some stupid gesture like a loud public apology, done on bended knee, was blatantly unfair to Vivian, who only meant the best for me. I made a quick apology, not trying to meet her eyes as I said the words and took my stuff. All of 'my' girls seemed equally subdued. A minute after we had garnered our victuals, Vivian put a hand on my elbow.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Zane," Vivian smiled warmly at me. "You take a lot of stress and pressure on yourself. I understand that from time to time you need to take in a tiny bit of private space for yourself. Clearly, you can't schedule any such time because nothing around you stays a secret for very long and no one respects your privacy or even asks what you need."

"Vivian," I was puzzled, "you deserve to be righteously pissed with me. You are my Guardian and I promised to stay by you or at least tell you where I was."

"Zane, we let you down," Vivian assured me. "It is your dorm room and we are your guests, and we have been rather poor guests at that."

"How about we call a truce?" I offer.

"I can live with that," Vivian smiled.

"Cut the Kumbaya-time, kids," Rio snorted derisively. "Zane, what the fuck happened with Mercy?" Rio playfully punched Mercy's arm to emphasize her uncertainty.

"Rio – Bro – drop it," I asked sincerely. "Act like it didn't happen." Rio studied me a second, then got this wickedly evil grin.

"What the hell are you talking about, Glenda?" she hefted the box up then shook it. "It seems my damn box is glued shut. Are we celebrating one thousand cunts licked by you, or what?"

Because Rio rarely expounded at a level below full volume, next thing we hear is Mrs. Marlow snapping, "Ms. Talon, watch your language; there are good Christian women being forced to sit within the sound of your voice!"

"Gotcha, Ms. Mouthful," Rio snapped off with a snap and a finger raised up like a pistol in the air.

"What did you say?" Marlowe closed the distance.

"She was repeating what I pointed out," I turned and smiled. "I said that you really had it going together this morning; that you were more than a mouthful. That's a hip/trending term to describe someone who is expressing themselves through clothing and make-up."

"You are lying, Mr. Braxton," she snarled.

"You are probably right, as I do so to you on general principle, but good luck proving it in student court," I grinned right back. We locked wills and she blinked first.

"Ms. Phillips," Marlowe turned on Vivian, "what are you going to do about this?"

"Zane and Rio, would you please apologize for being rude and insensitive to an educator who only wishes the best for the student body?" Vivian requested.

"I so apologize," I bowed my head.

"I so apologize as well," Rio tacked on. Only after Marlowe had gone to spread love and sunshine somewhere else did Rio lean across me and whisper to Vivian.

"You rock!" Rio giggled gleefully. After all, Rio and I had not apologized to Mrs. Marlowe because neither one of us believed for a minute that she was 'an educator who only wishes the best for the student body'. To that nameless entity, we owed a debt, and to Mrs. Marlow we owed a generous 'fuck you,' and Vivian had made it all possible.

"Why, thank you, Rio," Vivian nodded her acceptance of Rio's praise. "Jesus is the Peacemaker and we all should attempt to emulate his teachings."

"So...I still don't get to lick you senseless?" Rio snickered.

"No – no, you don't," Vivian smiled, even though she didn't look at either of us. Vivian's going to rock as a mom.

The next half hour passed quietly. Everyone was curious about the boxes but no one was too worried until a rumor suddenly appeared. When it was suggested that they might have to put on bikinis, the fear set in. I blamed – I don't know but I wish I had thought of it. I was still kicking myself for the missed opportunity when my alien with the right face black and left face white shows up with the right face white and left face black – Mhain and Millicent.

"Death Match and you get to referee," Rio teased me. "I'm so jealous; $500 bucks on the one with the soul." Mhain glared hate at us while Millicent looked more than amused.

"Zane, come with us," Mhain gloated. I figured that somehow my ordeal was coming to an end so I'd play along. I rose and they steered me to the largest exit, flanking me.

Christina and Company grabbed their boxes and jumped up quickly to follow me, though they looked as confused as I was, confirming none of them were the architect of my discomfort. No sooner had we stepped into the cool, sunlit lawn than everyone's phone rang...except mine. I was loving this, right up there with having sandpaper buffing my sunburned abs.

"Open the box and follow the instructions," Christina informed me. "Is anyone going to do this?" My phone vibrated once, then my whole body tingled before I could respond to the call.

"I am," Mhain gloated. "I was promised something." She knelt and opened her box with enthusiasm; the others did likewise but at a more sedate pace.

What came out of each box was almost identical, different only in the anatomical part of the body indicated by the instructions. The objects were all grapefruit-sized fur-balls that made darling little squeaks, squeals and murmurs, amongst other sympathetic noises – all in tiny little voices. They were to be placed on my body, but I didn't know how that would work.

"Are we going to do this?" Chastity began to say.

"It isn't sticky," Hope was also saying when Mhain's flew out of her hand and hit the side of my left knee. She reached out carefully to retrieve hers while the other girls circled in. The little darlings were proving to be resilient little bastards. Several more leapt at me from the hands of their owners.

All this time the furry grapefruit were giving little 'wee!' noises when they shot at me and screeched like demons when they were removed, which was painful when they were on my flesh. I knew who was responsible and she was going to pay – but not right now. I saw my closest allies pulling back.

"TLM, Christina," I sighed in resignation. "Let's get this over with." I was being totally self-sacrificial; girls were starting to pile-up on us coming out of the Dining Hall. I didn't want a riot. Mhain had technically tagged me first but not in the designated spot, so I had Christina go first – she put one over my heart – not that I thought Cordelia was stupid, but now she was just piling it on.

Mhain went next and she was sizzling and excited – she put it on my lips, shutting me up. At least the girls were polite and organized enough to come at me patiently. A few didn't get the 'memo' and their little rug rats slipped out of their owner's grasp and got to play gleeful kamikaze as they plowed into me.

It didn't hurt but I had this secret fear that the tiny terrors would sprout fangs and tear into me. These little guys were murmuring and mumbling and it wasn't until I was truly buried that a horrific realization was made – the more that were on me, the greater their clinging power. In retrospect, this would have been more useful if we hadn't passed the 700 mark.

I looked like a puffy, overweight, Sasquatch baby. I could move but sitting down was a dream, as was running or going to the bathroom. The damn things wouldn't shut up either. It fell to Hope and Iona to hurry me (as much as possible) to Assembly; you know that place where I 'sit' in front. At least no one could ask me anything with the expectation of receiving an answer.

I no longer wondered how bad it could get; I knew it would get worse, and while I didn't know how, I knew it would be soon. At the start of Assembly my little friends joined in the singing...not using words but in the tinny little noises they made, though admittedly they were enthusiastic and determined. But it gets worse.

There was a discussion on stage after that fiasco about removing me. Chancellor Bass wanted me gone; Vice Chancellor Scarlett was not in attendance but Virginia took up my cause. After all, it wasn't my fault, she claimed.

"Well, Black, do something," the first three rows heard Bass demand of our Head of Security.

"I am not an engineer or a chemist," Black replied. "Do you want me to shoot them off him?"

Oh, yeah, my girl Bass wanted that – so bad. Of course, what she really wanted was for Black to miss, but that wasn't going to happen. Finally, the teachers decided to soldier on. When Chancellor Bass stepped up to begin services, the frightening fur-balls belted out 'Hail to the Chief.'

No one said a word – not a murmur. Chancellor Bass stopped and the munchkin chorus stopped too. Two more starts later and she gave up and grudgingly took the 'praise' from my infestation. They were good throughout the message and sermon but took up 'Hail to the Chief' when she tried to leave the podium.

"Do something!" she screamed at Black. This time, Gabrielle sedately headed my way. I didn't want to think of the pain coming my way. My little buddies had my back. When she got within five feet the all screamed -- and I mean SCREAMED -- in the loudest cacophony most of us present had ever heard. I saw something I thought I would never see; Gabrielle flinched.

Not so oddly, I was fine, hearing almost nothing. The little guys on my ears soaked up the sound so I received a very watered-down version of what they were doing. Gabrielle fell back and at the five foot mark, the little guys shut up – mostly. They seemed to be making comforting noises to one another, like one Zane-sized colony of brown mold.

"Get away from him; just get away from him," good old Dr. Melrose Bass pleaded as she moved her hands away from her ears. "Braxton, you stop this right now." I had a wee beastie on my mouth and Bass was not on the small list of people I would devour this thing for. If she's looking for a conversation today, she's out of luck. She throws her hands up in desperation and starts to storm off.