All Comments on 'Daddy's Girl'

Only thing I seen spelling wise is, " do n't, is n't, an so on. " all have a extraspace. An over all, let's say I'm waiting on part 2.

Absolutely terrible.

Not bad for a first effort, but please consider getting an editor, you might try using some commas as well.

First, let's get the praise out of the way: as said before, not bad for a first effort. With some polish it could easily be an extremely hot story.

As for the critiques... punctuation! Pay close attention to where sentences need to be broken up and where commas should go. Capitalization on some things will help, too (Wicked Witch of the West, for instance). As already stated, words with contractions (don't, won't, can't, it's, etc) don't have spaces in them. Your dialogue, while good, could use some more work- I'd suggest talking the dialogue out after you've written it to hear how it sounds in real life; if it sounds fake or forced, see what you can do to make it sound more realistic. I noticed that, throughout the story, you changed tenses- it started out in the present-tense but then you slipped into the past-tense and went back and forth between the two frequently; pick one and stay with it.

As for the storytelling itself.... first-person is a good style for new writers (and, hell, even some experienced writers enjoy it- first-person stories make it easier for the audience to identify with the protagonist). The problem with first-person storytelling, however, is that it's VERY easy to rush the story. If you get to the ending too fast, it comes across as more like a confessional rather than an actual story. Pace it out a bit more. Work in more thoughts and details (odors, colors, actions, surroundings, etc.). In an erotic story, especially, it's good form, in a first-person story, to draw out the seduction phase. Get some build-up. Like I said, it's very easy to go from zero-to-fucking in a mere paragraph or two. Life doesn't unfold that quickly; pace it out.

You got a solid 3 stars from me. You show promise, but could definitely use more work and temperance. Best advice I could give: tell the *character's* story, not yours. And, as always, write the story YOU want to tell, in its entirety, and never be shy about doing the story justice. Take your time and I hope to see more from you in the future!

I thought it was worth 3.5-4.0 stars and rounded it up to 4 here.

It would be worth it to use a word processing program/app that had a spell checker to catch the stuff like the contraction mistakes and leaving out commas. If you can't get an app or program that corrects grammar errors you can proof read it yourself. Read it out loud to yourself and make sure you place commas or periods where you pause. For example, "The usual Karen is riding my ass to have Maude's book...." I thought it should have read "The usual ((stop)) Karen is riding my ass".

That said you could also find an editor here to help out.

Do you really need to specify it is a hypoallergenic pillow?

for the story as for the rest 1 star as I couldn't read it without thinking this is written by a 10 year old, speaking of age how old was the girl? going to watch cartoons?

I strongly recommend you take an English grammar course, as your grammar is awful. A good story can be ruined by poor grammar, so think of it as an investment, not just for writing better stories, but for communication in all areas of your life.

Next, put yourself in the reader's shoes. Imagine what it is like for someone to read your story, and think about how they might react, and where the story might not be clear to them. Think about the language you're using, the way your characters talk, the way you describe what's going on. Plan the story before writing it, and then get people you know who write well to proof read and edit for you.

I hope this helps.

Working with a good editor will prove helpful. A good editor will not only help with grammar & punctuation, but proper use of descriptive language. The story itself was not bad and worth writing. Keep it up. We all have to start somewhere. Good luck!

I've thought really good from what did read thus far ... i'm not able read

all now i'll read when able ..... few portions did read certain things could've used

more explanations better explanations [ sex scenes ] [ seduction scenes ]

[ ectttttttttttttttttt ] ......... what I've really want ~> after hearing some stories

Hayley's friend Lilly now goes behind Hayley's back + as harshly as possible

she seduces she owns she dominates : Hayley's stepfather .. he becomes

completely obedient towards : Lilly .. he's still doing sexual things Hayley

only because Lilly told him do these things .. as all sex scenes now progress

Hayley becomes more controlling more dominant which makes her stepfather

unable decide which woman he wants even though Hayley still no clue

what's going on between : her stepfather \ Lilly ..... make sure that everything

perfection details ........ if can't do this going part2 make sure do this with part3

Very good start to a HOT story ! Harley and her step-dad need to have slow and loving sex. She is horny, big boobs and wants him and he wants the same thing. Let Harly show him what she likes and then he shows her.

He has a big rod, so they can have fun and she can teach him and visa-versa............. Thank you.

Keep going just fix your contractions your separating them. You have the makings of a hot sex pair...

Don't you wish now you had paid better attention in your school language arts classes?

One of the worst I have EVER run across.

This the worst piece of grammar I have ever come across!!!!!!!

Great idea. Good foundation. But run it by an editor please.

Well, I think everything has been pretty much covered by previous posters, praise and pointers! Heh.

I didn't see anyone mention misused words though, such as to instead of too or two instead of to, lol.

Keep t it!