Dancing Ch. 03

"Sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to say well done, and that we're having some drinks to celebrate a good first night. If you want to continue celebrating on your own, I'll make some excuses!" he finished up, grinning at us and winking suggestively.

"No, we'll join you," I heard Matt reply before I'd even thought about what I wanted to do. I looked at him but he wouldn't meet my gaze, suddenly very intent on the floor in front of him.

I felt my heart breaking again. I'd fucked up. He'd never want to talk to me again after this, let alone share the time together that was so precious to me. I felt it even more when the director walked out and Matt followed, without a backward glance. I slumped back into my chair and willed myself not to start crying. After all the time I had spent with him and kept myself under control, I'd finally cracked and this felt like the end of everything.

I managed to act my way through the drinks, laughing and joking with the others, but acutely aware of the fact that Matt wasn't coming near me let alone speaking to me. A couple of times he caught me looking, and his eyes shifted straight away so he was looking at someone or something else. He hated me, that was all I could think right then. How could I have been so stupid? I wanted this to be over, so I could go home and bury myself under my duvet. I knew I'd cry then, and for the first time in weeks I'd have to cry without someone there to hold me, because I'd driven him away. Fear rose in me when I realised he was supposed to be driving me home, and I figured I'd be getting a cab instead. I hoped not to break down in front of some random cabbie.

Once things were winding down and it seemed I would be able to escape I headed to my dressing room to get my stuff. I could smell Matt's scent in there, some body spray or something that he wore, and I nearly lost it right then and there, I could feel the tears starting to prick at my eyes. I grabbed my coat, deciding that anything else could wait until tomorrow, and headed out towards the stage door so I could get a cab.

Matt was there already, his car keys in his hand. I went to move past him, managing to keep from looking because I was sure I would see hurt in his eyes, but he grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Where are you going?" he asked, almost sounding angry rather than upset. When I didn't answer he continued. "Come on."

He led the way to his car, me having flashbacks to the time before I knew him properly when he just expected me to follow his orders. I hated the idea that I had driven him back to that. At least let him still want to be himself with others, even if I was shut out again. I hoped I hadn't undone all that he had achieved over the last few weeks and I prayed that he would find someone to keep him safe like I had wanted to do. And then I tried to think of nothing, just staring out of the window, because if I thought about how I was losing him I wanted to cry.

When it became clear he was driving back to my house my heart sank further with every turn. I would be home, but he wouldn't be there. I needed to say something, to try and fix this, but I didn't know what I could do. I'd forced myself on him, taken something to sate my own desire, and all that within a few days of him telling me how he had been forced into far worse. Right now I felt like I was little better than those men, and I'd be happier if he shouted at me for it than just stopped speaking. I'd even let him hit me if it would help him, this time I would deserve it.

I couldn't bear to look at him when he stopped outside my house. Shoulders slumped, I got out of the car and headed up to my front door, not noticing that he was following me until he came up behind me as I put the key in the lock. Perhaps I was going to get that beating, or maybe I'd be able to find some words that could make this better. I didn't know, but I was terrified.

I flopped down on my sofa, noticing that he sat across from me even though usually we would sit together. I couldn't look at him, but I did need to say one thing and I struggled to get those two little words out.

"I'm sorry."

My eyes shot up to him, because he'd said the same thing at the same time. He looked just as surprised as I was, but I recovered faster.

"What are you sorry for? I took advantage of you. I'm sorry I couldn't control myself."

"I got carried away. I wasn't going to push anything."

I started laughing, and Matt just looked bemused.

"If we're both sorry because we thought we'd upset the other then that has to be a good thing. I think we need to talk."

"I guess so," he said, but he didn't continue. Obviously it was my turn, but it took me a while to work out where to start.

"I've just been through some of the hardest days in my life. I thought all that stuff was behind me, and suddenly it's all over the papers. You've got me through that, and I am so grateful for your friendship, and I'm so glad I've got to see what a wonderful person you really are. And then we're in this weird situation of pretending that we're dating, kind of really dating because we spend all our time together, and me wishing we could keep doing this because I've never been so happy."

"I thought you didn't want anything real. You didn't mind pretending for my sake because you weren't looking, but after what happened in your last relationship you were still hurting, and you just had the biggest reminder of all that. I've been really happy too, and I never thought I would be. But you weren't ready, and I'm not sure that I am either."

"I kind of lied about why I wasn't looking. Maybe I'm not entirely ready, but I decided if I could have what we've had over the last few weeks it would be enough. I didn't think you would want anything more, and it doesn't matter just so long as you don't kick me out of your life. I thought kissing you would be the end of it all and that's the only thing that scares me."

He looked kind of sad at that, and I didn't know why he was. I was just overjoyed that he was still speaking to me, let alone that we were starting to have a conversation about what had been going on between us.

"You would settle for a relationship without sex, ever? Why? You shouldn't have to settle for anything, you're gorgeous and kind and incredibly loving, and you've done so much for me I don't even know how to begin thanking you."

I looked into his eyes, hoping he could see the truth of what I felt about him.

"It wouldn't seem like settling, not if it was with you. I know after what happened in your past you don't want sex, but I want what we have anyway. I love you."

I saw him draw in a sharp breath at my admission, and I waited to hear what he would say. My heart was in my mouth, and I was still expecting him to push me away.

"I've been struggling with things since we met. I honestly thought I wouldn't ever want anyone, and then I found myself falling for you. And I tried so hard not to let you in. When they asked me to be your dance coach, I treated you like shit to make sure I could keep my distance. Even then you made me feel safe, and I took you dancing because I knew I could do it with you there. I loved dancing again, and I loved dancing with you even more."

I grinned at him. "Do you have any idea how gorgeous you were when you were dancing? You treating me badly wasn't entirely working, I just kept thinking if I could kiss you to shut you up, you'd be perfect! Then you looked after me while I was in meltdown and I realised you were perfect."

"I'm far from perfect. I'm screwed up beyond belief and still hurting over something that happened years ago. Being with you has mixed me up because I started to think about things I hadn't considered in a long time, but I'm still not sure I can do them. I freaked the first time you tried to kiss me, and that was because we had to. But then I still kind of wanted it, not because we needed to for work but because I couldn't stop thinking about kissing you. I saw how you were hurting too, and I tried to stop myself from taking it too far but I've kind of been testing myself with all the kisses and touches."

"So today, that kiss earlier, you really didn't mind?"

He smiled at me. "Did you not notice I was kissing you back? That had to be the hottest kiss I've ever experienced."

"Same here."

"You really want a relationship with me? No matter what that means?"

"Yes. I told you, I love you. I don't care if it's never anything more than hugs and kisses, honestly."

He gave me a kind of sly grin. "I want you too. I think I love you too. And given time, it will be more than hugs and kisses, I promise, because the thoughts I've been having about us just keep getting more intense and I want to be able to experience them for real."

My body kind of shuddered in pleasure at the thought, but I needed him to know it didn't matter.

"You don't have to promise me anything, except that we can be together. I have had some pretty intense dreams too, but I never expected to act on them."

He smiled at me, and stood up, coming closer and taking my hand.

"So, boyfriend, how about we go get some sleep? I'd like to curl up in your arms again."

"Sounds perfect. I loved waking up with you beside me."

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