Delusions Most Foul

The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
- John Milton

*

Running! Running – faster than hounds, running! But no, not faster than hounds, for it was hounds that chased me – and God save me they were gaining. You know nothing of fear until the hounds of Satan – nay, of the King of Britain himself – pursue you without rest!

Gaining – ever closer, six hounds abounding every obstacle I myself had to stumble around. Still closer, their breath was on my very heals! Oh sweet adrenaline, of all times to flow more freely, now is it. There! A burst of speed and I was away again. Sweat poured forth from my brow, stinging my eyes. Subdued with the momentary blindness it caused I shook my head violently to toss the perspiration away, opening my eyes only in time to see what would be my final obstacle. I ran headlong into a towering wall.

My vision blurred furiously and I stumbled about as if on an alcoholic's stupor. Within seconds I found my bottom on the ground and my back against that foe the wall. I threw my arms about my visage in what would surely be vain attempt in shielding myself from the royal attack – but none came. I heard the growling, the snarling, the gnashing of teeth, but still – nothing came. My vision cleared gradually and I soon beheld the six grey dogs hunched not five feet before me, haunches bared – hackles raised. But something was amiss, a seventh faced the battalion, he also pertained a stance of battle.

As my sight cleared further, my realization of the situation did also. I felt the blood drain from my concussing head in disbelief. That dog, the seventh, was mine. Mine for four years, mine for no more! I let out a low moan of protest, but to no avail, as the battle – one against six – began.

I viewed very little detail of the fray considering all the fuzz about my vision, but I will attempt to satisfy your – the reader's – needs. One of the attackers, the smallest but boldest, leapt at my defender, whom caught him with his teeth by the throat in mid-air. Blood volleyed forth and the initial charge was no more. The others, seeing quickly that a one-on-one attack would most likely be futile, pounced as a unit. My defender was brought to the ground easily and, despite the overwhelming onslaught, put out a valiant fight. One attacker staggered off in attempted walk with a bloody stump that once held a paw. Another bayed a howl of death and fell amongst his own bile and blood with a splash. But finally, I regret to inform, the defence was completely overcome – all that could be considered life was dashed red across the road.

I cried out for him as I shrunk against the wall, arms thrown up again in useless shield. Death, oh death was mine and I did not welcome it! My breath drew short in anticipation, my senses reeled. Even though my eyes clamped shut as if shutters long aged and warped beyond movement, the very Earth spun about me – a top on an uneven plane. Oh all abhorred sentences to death, none could be worse – none could be worse!

The hounds, I could hear them circle me, three remained but three was plenty! Growls, snarls – sounds of hideous evil! Saliva surely infested by rabies smacked the ground – over and over – in perfect time – the beating of a drum! I cried out in frustration of the developing demise. I flailed my arms about before me, I truly thought it may stop them, may scare them off – I truly did!

Oh the smacking of that wretched drum! It beat within my ears as if purposefully gaining a screaming amplitude! I shrieked aloud to overcome the sound, but to no avail. My thoughts grew thick, my senses faded – I fainted.

It was not a dreamless faint, no, no! I would not be granted with such blessing, for that would mean death, and death – though I wanted it not – I still craved for. Do not scoff at this, it is not a rarity for man to have no desire in what they crave, such paradox is among the norm – the accepted.

(I apologize for my constant digressions, friends. It is a habit I have long deemed necessary in the art of recounting the past.) Just to recount – my faint was not dreamless. No, certainly not, for I dreamt of Satan. How I recognized him I knew not, he was the same as any man! He carried me in his arms as easily as if he were still a powerful angel whom still graced the clouds, as if Apollo and the ease he carries the World upon his shoulders. I attempted speech with the gentle royalty but was not permitted it – finding only foaming saliva froth forth from my speech vessel – saliva like that of rabid dogs. Lucifer took no notice of my attempt to speak and strode on wordlessly through the burrows of what appeared to be Hell.

I took the time to view my imagined surroundings as we walked. Hell was exactly as I presumed it to be – rightfully so as it was my dream. The sky was a stricken colour of blood, the likes of which tented a land of granite and slate. Men and women littered the land, almost naked in entirety if it were not for the black bag that covered their respective heads – only small slits cut in to permit them sight. They wandered about without aim, feet slipping upon sharp granite, slicing the thick tread flesh in narrow shreds. To the left of my bearer walked a hideous form resembling the most minimum of human forms. His flesh was a mix of black reptilian scale and tufts of oily fur. His face was elongated – like that of a snake's. His eyes, to my surprise, were a burning sapphire. The thing must have been, I could only assume, the first bastard begotten by incest – Death.

At this I began to fret, less and less this seemed like a dream! More and more did it resemble – oh I shutter to say it – reality. I began to struggle in my holder's arms, he spoke!

"He's waking up..."

I am already awakened demon! Release me to Paradise – I have done nothing wrong in life to deserve this! Vile tasting foam poured forth from my mouth as I attempted to scream this repentance. I halted however as I began to gaze into the prince's eyes and he, inexplicably, began to rot. Those eyes turned the black of fetid mud and fell forth from his skull. Not long after, his flesh quickly turned the same decrepit jet. His arms detached at the shoulders and fell – I with them. Falling – forever – for not time at all! I hit the ground – the mud – upon my bottom. My knees were forcedly curled up towards my chest as they had no room to extend, and positioned as such I fully awoke, mind you with no breath to fill my empty lungs. My initial surprise was of course that breath was not with me. I took a struggling moment to regain it. Upon doing so I came to my second surprise – I was alive! I inhaled real breath – exhaled it too – Death was no longer at my side! I sighed with renewed breath – sweet breath!

What joyous chorus sang with my soul at that moment! All visions just past were merely that, visions of the past – of falsity – or my own imagination! In what hell would the infamous rebel carry a man? Is it not easier to drag that man at one's heel by his hair? But of course! – but of course! And what a fool I was to think my situation to be reality.

But alas, hearken – a noise from above. Upon opening my eyes for the first time, I looked straight up to see a great circular object cover the sun in its entirety from my view. It blocked not only the sun! It blocked the opening to the pit – the pit I was within. I had realized it only then, I was trapped, cased within walls of slick mud. My heart, so relaxed once before, again raced – raced as if to escape my very chest! I stood in haste and reached for the lid, but to no avail. Leaping showed to be of no use either as the distance was too far. My will power gave way, my strength close in its retreating stead. I fell into a wall, sinking within some distance before it provided adequate support. I trembled, grasping at the muck – I could not see! But what was there to see? Turning around, I stretched forth an arm from my roost and found my fingers grazing a wall of mud in parallel. Upright mud rose also at the perpendiculars, the two not more than arms apart as well. I was locked solitary within this minuscule prison – nay! a prism! A rectangular prism, and never was there more wretched a construction. Its head peaked six feet above my own – beyond my reach – beyond my ascent. No one shared my prism thankfully – as it would be quite crowded – and I was left to myself and darkness. Such used to be a friend, darkness, it provided cover from my pursuers. But now, now darkness was a fiend! Disallowing me from even seeing my walls – I cursed it – loathed it – wished upon it everlasting light even! Such are useless locutions surely but just as surely as they useful, as it is quickly found that once locked within the darkened prism, one wants only to have occupation of the mind.

I let out a small whimper as the entire contents of the paragraph just written was realized unto me in one burst. I sunk down to the floor dragging my back against the condemning wall as I went, finally ending with my knees huddled against my chest – my arms wrapped around them, clutching them closer – tighter. And so, huddled as such, I let my mind wander.

For days after I learned how to survive within these depths. Two times a day a small hole was opened within the lid of my home (the first time the event occurred, I leapt from my huddled seat and grasped feverishly at the walls. This was vain attempt towards finding exit in the light). From the opened hole a platter of liquidated gruel was lowered – strung by a rope cradle. Evidently the gruel provided adequate nutrition and liquid for me to carry on, for carry on I did. Following the decored platter came a bucket. With it I was to place my excrements (I use "place" only as the lightest of terms, I do not care to go into detail of the actual process) and send it back on tethered ascent. God bless the man who handles that! With the bucket I also sent my now empty platter – I never hesitated to eat quickly.

From then on the day was mine. To dance, to stroll, to run! Ha ha! But of course I jest, the day was mine to sit and only that for standing was pointless and tiring. And of course I knew not if it were day or night. I mattered not! All was the same, all was unendingly – incesently dark. It was there and then, good readers, that I was stricken with the most terrible of diseases. Alas, it was not one of boils, not whooping cough, nor the most dreaded of flesh-eaters. Nay – mine was a disease of madness. Slowly did it eat away my conscious, a never relenting machine of the most steady persistence. By a clock I could have set the acceleration of my insanity! But such is inevitable of course. I've only myself to talk to, the only place I can run and play games is in my mind. Such is where the great decline began!

Finding that the apathy forced upon me was, above all else – and for lack of a better phrase – not fun, nor time consuming – I constructed an elaborate game of dice within my own imagination: My closest friends huddled around an unmarked oval. Bills and coins scattered in front of each man – it was all they dared to wager on the quickness of my wrist in the forthcoming toss. Over and over I threw the dice, some landing hard seven, some landing wretched snake eyes. My friends roared and cheered at each result as their favours turned. On occasion even I, the roller, placed money upon my own luck. At one point I placed quite the hefty sum on my roll of hard seven – and there it was! Two dice could never more perfect a combination! Where were my winnings? They were gone, snatched from beneath my view! Who had mistakenly taken – no! purposefully taken – no! stolen it from me? I scanned the faces of the men warily, each of which had become very quiet and subdued. There! He with the blonde hair, always a master of slight was he! Without hesitation I lunged at him, grabbing him by the throat and pressing my thumbs viscously into the rogue's throat. His eyes bulged and teared as his neck melted into my very hands! My vision grew dark with the overwhelming need to destroy this treacherous man. His throat was mud slipping through my fingers. Wait – no – it was mud all along! I was still within the pit, I had never left this hole of the most forsaken. But, of course I knew that all along, I merely got too caught up in my game. I laughed at my foolery and folded my knees back against my chest – a position I was now very familiar with – and there I laughed and laughed until slumber was once again mine.

I awoke some time later, do not ask how long for by now hours were days and days – weeks. I knew only that since that first fateful game slumber had been mine five times over and my meals summed to fifteen. I was awakened by the arrival of meal sixteen – though the number was no longer of any use to me, sixteen seemed the same as five-hundred, of two-thousand! It mattered not.

As my food was in mid-descent I called up to the portal, "Thank you, friends! Your meals have been much appreciated by a poor homeless man such as I! I pray you, could you spare a quarter – a nickel even? I wish only to travel to the general store and acquire fresh milk. It has been oh so long since I have partaken of the steer's gift and I am very thirsty because of it!"

No reply came, as it never did, but I did not care – the thought had already passed, and I was content. Besides – I was missing my Euchre game.

Now, do not yet mistake me for mad, friends. You are yet to even know it! The decline has just begun – witness it now.

A year had passed, it must have been a year for upon slumber I had a brief dream meeting with Father Time himself, whom informed me that the Earth had already once made its full path owed to it by the sun. It certainly had not seemed like a year but I was not one to disagree with He Who Defines Time. I was hunched fully forward on my knees, my nose tip grazing the mud. With my fingers I had melded a hunk of mud into a sphere. I batted the toy around and giggled as it babbled its contentment to me. What a tiny voice that ball had, why else would I hover my ear so close to it? It spoke of wondrous worlds to me. Of men ruling over great empires where the rain was always warm and the grass more comfortable than the softest of linens.

In attempt to roll the little ball closer to my ear – for his story had dimmed – I pressed too hard upon its top, squashing it in half. Its tiny cry of death pierced my ears and bounced within my mind ruthlessly! I dropped my head into the mud in fury of my own stupidity and bellowed remorse at my lost friend – my only friend. In that position I remained, for hours it seemed, until I found a platter resting upon my backside.

It was some time after that occurrence – I care not to explain how long – when I was graced with my first human visitor. As always I was in my most favourite of positions within my home talking to a fiend who had dug his way into my mind. He accused me of betraying the King. I retorted bitterly that I was not a man of treason and that I was down in this most abhorred of homes by no fault of my own. The intruder fought back unrelentingly, but I was not one to give up.

"Do not question me, Heathen!" I whispered quickly. I jumped however when the reply came not from within my mind, but from right in front of me – and it was a female voice at that!

"Who are you talking to?" queried the girl. I could see her – truly I could! I had seen nothing but darkness for longer than could be remembered; but now I saw her so vividly it stung my eyes, forcing my lids into a squint. She sat across from me, dirty and blood streaked, covered only in a rag barely large enough to cover all that was needed to be covered. How did I not see her enter? I must have fallen asleep surely.

Regaining my composure, I stuttered back, "This scoundrel residing within me has pinned me as treasonous."

The girl laughed – and oh what a laugh! – quoting her condolences and how she hoped he would soon be gone from me.

For days we talked of everything. Never had I known joy as it comes when you gain a friend in this hellish pit. So much joy I did not notice that still only one platter of food was delivered. So much joy, I never notice that she never partook of it with me. I noticed only that as our conversations passed, she thinned and weakened substantially. Soon enough she perished without warning, I awoke and she never did. Such a turn from pure joy to utter grief destroyed any sanity left burrowed in hiding within me – sanity was now a fool's game. I draped myself over her body, holding her to me, sobbing my sorrows into the crook of her neck. Her flesh dissolved under my purlonged grasp and left only her skeleton to my keeping. Still there I remained, weeping a tearless lament. For hours – days even! – I picked at her bones, counting them, forming shapes out of them. More than once I lost all hope – if any ever remained – and attempted to pierce my heart with the scattered bones, but upon striking found in my hands not but air!

When first the portal opened to deliver my food after the horrid event I unleashed all hell upon the light.

"Light! Light of man – of God! Mock me no further for you have won! The girl is dead, my conscious too – but long ago! I care for nothing anymore but death!" Just then I beseech you readers , behold! The hounds they returned! "Back demons!" I shrieked, "Hold your tongues for you have already feasted upon my beloved protector! I care for death but not from these abhorred beasts, not from that which caught me and sent me to the hideous Hell!"

They bared their teeth, they would not miss their target again! I shrunk against the wall curled more tightly than ever before. That dog, the pawless one, he stood amongst them, gnawing on the stump provided to him by my faithful dog. I screamed – screamed for the light, screamed for only the dark. All and anything was better than the hounds!

Then, without warning, all light circumscribing and truly present! The hounds retreated and dissolved! A ladder was lowered forth across from my squinting eyes. Oh how I would have climbed that tiered wood lest my atrophic legs could still support my body. Instead, down came a man, I recognized him – the great punisher?

"Lucifer!" I cried, " Deliver me to the Level Ninth I pray you! I admit my treason! My conscious is revealed and I am ready to freeze eternally as the treasonous do!"

And lo, I was carried forth from the pit and forward from it, screeching my laments. And from the shoulder of Lucifer I was dropped. Not into the bowls of Hell, but onto the street. To live. To ruin.