Deployed, Tattooed, Transformed Ch. 02

"Then the nightmare of all nightmares occurred. I was gaining weight and had missed my period, twice. By then you had been deployed leaving me alone with the sinking thought that the baby might not be yours!" Jane lifted her head to look at, letting me see the circles under her eyes and the redness from spending too much time crying. "The nightmare was magnified when I realized the baby had a good chance of being yours! But you know why I was so frightened, don't you?"

I nodded my head yes as I understood exactly why she was fearful. Stan has jet black hair, olive skin and Italian features. I am tall, blond haired and blue eyed. The likeliness the baby would look enough like me for me not to question things made it impossible for Jane to risk losing me.

"Jane, the one thing that has caused me many a sleepless nights is how you managed to get Janice to stay quiet, to support what you did?" Jane took a deep breath before speaking then took a sip of her now cold coffee before looking at me.

"I knew I could not hide being pregnant from Janice. At the same time I did not want you to know I was pregnant until I could confirm the baby was or wasn't yours. So I bit my lip and confessed everything to Janice, my affair, being pregnant, and not knowing what to do." So Janice had known all of the truth from the beginning. It still angered me that Jane would share this with Janice and not me! We had always been so open with each other!

"It was Janice who suggested we not say anything to you until we saw the baby, until we knew it was ours. Janice was the one who pointed out that it would be too painful for you if the baby wasn't yours! And being in such an emotional state, needing as much support as possible, I accepted Janice's pledge to never reveal the truth to you. Janice, from the beginning was thinking about you first and about how to save our marriage." In retrospect letting a child bear that kind of responsibility, to harbor that kind of secrete, is far too much to let a child assume. I now knew she did what she did out of love and a sense of needing to protect me.

I found this thought ironic because protecting people is what my job is all about! My daughter really was, my daughter, and one day may make a very good officer. How could a father not be proud of such a child?

"You do realize you risked everything to hide this from me?" I was looking into her frail looking blood-shot eyes.

"Yes, I know that now . . . I know that now." She was almost whispering. It was, of course too late to go back and simply be honest and up front with me.

"And Janice? How is she now?" My question evoked even more deep-seated pain. For a minute I thought Jane was going to fall apart all together.

"Janice is the big reason I decided I needed to make this trip, to talk to you, to confess and let you know we both love you so much." She paused to catch her breath before continuing.

"A few weeks ago I took her to see a psychiatrist who put her on medications, mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. Janice blames herself for everything that has happened. She thinks that, because it was her idea to keep things from you that she caused you to leave. No fourteen year-old should bear this kind of responsibility and guilt, especially for my mistakes. No matter what the psychiatrist or I tell her, she continues to blame herself." Now I realized how devastating my leaving had been for my daughter! At the same time my family had not shared this information with me!

"Where is she now?" My question was meant to be concrete. I wanted to know the physical location of my daughter.

"Huh?"

"Where is Janice now, this moment?" My question was not a trick question.

"Probably asleep . . . it is early morning in California . . ."

"Is she at home alone?"

"Yes, no, I mean she is at home but Mrs. Jackson is staying with her." Mrs. Jackson is the neighbor woman who had befriended Jane when we'd moved into the neighborhood.

"Janice, I am going to call home to talk to Janice. OK?" She just shook her head as she let the tears fall freely.

"Then we are going to arrange for you and Janice to join me here in Heidelberg. Janice can go to school on base or attend a German school on the economy."

"What did you just say?" Her question had the I-don't-believe-what-I'm hearing tone to it.

"You and Janice are moving to Heidelberg as soon as possible." Janice was stunned.

"I don't know if we can . . ."

"This is not about what you think or want anymore." I was beginning to feel more in control of my family. "You have hidden this from me for too long and Janice, even if she was the one who suggested you keep this quiet. Janice should never have been in a position where she felt complicit or responsible for your mistakes. She needs to know this. She needs to know I love her dearly and that you are the only one at fault. Am I clear?" Jane was shaking and it wasn't because of the cold. What I was saying was dead on and she knew this. Janice could not be allowed to carry her mother's burden any longer. It was also important Janice know I loved her. I wanted to shake my daughter's hand.

It was also important Janice be helped to make family decisions that included all of her family. No more decisions made in a vacuum regardless of the outcome over time.

"Jane, there is one other thing we will need to discuss with Janice. The baby you had is Janice's half brother." I waited for Jane to catch up to my line of thought. "Whether you intentionally did this, gave up your son that is, you rejected Janice's brother in a way that may have shaken her sense of security. This needs to be corrected. The consequences for your actions, by making Janice complicit for your, ah, mercy fuck, have been devastating for Janice." I had to stop and take a breath so as not to let my anger destroy all attempts to help my daughter. And let Jane see what I was talking about.

"By leaving her home alone may have reinforced the fact she must feel responsible and not worthy." Now that I knew the entire story I realized our daughter's mental health and well being was at risk, and I am no social worker. Jane, by not discussing her transgression and dilemma with me, when it happened, had endangered our daughter's life in a way that, for me, was not acceptable. Jane and I may never be able to salvage our marriage but we could set things right for Janice.

"Oh, God, what have I done?" Jane's anguish was now complete. If she'd felt shame and guilt before this day, well, now the fear and anxiety could destroy her. If I'd been thinking about revenge before now, well, that kind of thinking was past, done, relegated to the realm of no longer important or worth the energy. It was more important to take care of Janice and create an environment where Jane and I could move on with our lives. I did not know what "moving on with our lives" meant.