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The girls just stared for a moment in shocked silence. Then Becca said, "There's lettering on his thing. He's got a tattoo on his penis! Ewww! What does it say?"
Jodi felt half sick, but she couldn't stop herself from leaning a little closer so she could read the black ink on the shaft of Derby's penis. "HIV+." Then she saw something in the blood on the bench. There was a broken toy light saber sticking out of his ass.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 5 years agoI have trouble with not finishing a story that I've started reading, but this one was making me uncomfortable. You saved it though!
Anonymousover 6 years agoLame and boring. Also poorly written, with inconsistent plothe and characterizations.
verbicideover 7 years agoEvery now and then it's fun to read a story about one of these fictional rapists that ends up getting what he deserves.
Anonymousover 9 years agoI hate vigilante stories. Bat man, Spiderman, and now these twerps. If they would have came forward with their suspicions the police would have investigated. But now they just threw their lives away.
Katwill87@yahoo.com
Anonymousabout 10 years agoYour writings started out as a bit of dirty, captivating reading.
Got to quickly hate the main character, glad there was some kind of justice.
But there is a gap in the logic, the guys who did the justice will now be in trouble
with the law. They went a bit far as well with the justice they delivered.
lit_addictover 10 years agoAfter reading too many stories about women victimized by predators ( some of which I admit were well written and worth reading), I found myself longing for a story in which the woman turned the tables on the predator and got rough justice.
After the first two chapters, I almost stopped reading the Derby series, even though I was caught up in the writing. I genuinely liked the women, and I enjoyed the stories of how they opened up to their sensuality and sexuality as they experienced what they thought was Derby's sensitivity and caring. I kept thinking that their sweetness should rekindle Derby's humanity. In the absence of that, the stories just seemed a painful depiction of a misogynist. Even though I recognized the pain he suffered at the hands of his girlfriend's and best friend's betrayal, his chosen path was - as the writer intended - despicable.
Although I really longed for Derby's redemption, as the story turned darker I started to lose interest, since the possibility of redemption was clearly fading. As his tactics shifted from seduction to rape, I put the story down. But I picked it up and I am glad I did. Whether realistic or not, the resolution of this story was just so satisfying. The scale of the campus wide response to Anna's rape thrilled the optimist in me. I want those frat boys in my company, in my neighborhood and in my family.
Thank you for writing this story.
Anonymousabout 12 years agoYou make the main character somewhat human, then totally dehumanize him. You conclude with a moral crusade straight out of Salem. Actually, now that I think of it maybe this could be the pilot for a new vampire - or Jackass - series.
Anonymousover 12 years agofirst you have the character go against himself. In the first chapter you spend time having the character tell himself that he will not resort to rape and even making sure that the girl can't say she didn't ask for it. 2 chapters later you have him accepting a date rape drug and with full knowledge raping the girl. Even worse you had him do at a frat party that he was invited to by the friend of the girl he is raping and who's boyfriend is one of the frat members. Also, The Frat members and her friend will end up in more trouble then he consider there is no way charges will not end up being pressed against them due to the public nature of the crime. Since they have no evidence of him actually being the one who committed the rape, and according to this chapter no one even actually saw him go up there with her. Brad only saw him talking to jerry earlier in the evening and Jerry giving him a thumbs up when he came down. You don't even have them mentioning Jerry telling them anything. I doubt jerry is still in the area.
Since they acted on they're own, they'll be up on charges for assult,rape/sexual abuse,Kidnapping. The drugs,tattoo and prince albert will likely bring another charge.
The police are going to get involved and he is able to identifiy all four of the main people involved. They on the other hand never came forward with anything and when arrested no one is going to believe them.
The chapter falls flat because it sounds like you are trying too hard to inject some justice or moral in a story that didn't have any.
Anonymousover 12 years agoThis was a good series with an important moral. If it wasnt erotic, it could be required high school reading. High schoolers need to read stuff like this, guys and girls.
Anonymousover 13 years agoyeah its fiction but it should be compulsory reading in secondary levels ... good twist
