All Comments on 'Dinner-Dessert, No Reservations Ch. 02'

Through your first two submissions you have a good foundation to really take this story places. i'm looking forward to reading more.

You tend to switch from omnipotent observer to 1st person: 'Julie was dressed in jeans and a loose sweatshirt, typical Saturday attire. I smiled at her when she looked my way, and her eyes took on her usual sparkle.' You also at least twice got the characters confused: Julie and Jason talked about that night instead of Jason and Mandy. And you had Julie handing Mike the boxes instead of Mandy. Otherwise, a very good read. Lookng forward to more from this group. Steve

Writer's Reply: Thanks for the comments. As much as I enjoy writing, it's clear that I should read...read...read and make necessary corrections to grammar and structure before submitting a story. Spell-Check isn't enough. I'm looking for an editor as a second pair of eyes to take a good story and make it sizzle.

I, like I would think others, would like to know how the story moves on.

I was unsure about rating it 4 or 5, but thought I'd give you the benefit and go with 5, even though I would have liked for you to get a little more sex in it instead of ending it so soon, and because there were some mechanical problems--you got the names mixed up several times, changed point of reference without warning, etc. You need to use an editor. But it was a good story and told in an adult manner,

A good story. Well developed. Very good characterizations, though appropriately sketchy.

Good writing. Effective story. Well done.

Can't wait for more!!!!!

Where’s chapter 3? Don’t leave us hanging.

Very good prose. Nicely paced with the exception of movie night where I thought the Julie/Jason sequence was a little too accelerated. Was also curious as to why 'virginity' was not mentioned except after the fact with no specifics regarding the actual act of deflowering. You might consider getting an editor/proof reader. All that aside, a really good story . . . .

probably the most sensual whole family story I've read on this site. please write more so we get at least one more chapter about the family.