All Comments on 'Donna's Fall Ch. 01'

predictable and nice, turned to shit.

I found this story very interesting and enjoyed the thoughts of the wife as she thought lately of the guys hitting on her and how that made her feel. The thoughts she had about her husband who has not aged well or kept in shape as she has. How she lately has been sexually charged and the Greg seems to have a dead battery. Well written story and looking forward to the next chapter. Thanks for sharing.

Cheating wife, ruined marriage, the S.T.D. is perfect, but it was a turn off. She workes with some sleezy sluts, author lives in a fucked up world.

not good reading for me. I generally don't like it when a story is given away in the first few lines, as here. It was so obvious that she had a STD, it was just to wait to the end to find out which. Of course, now she has a problem as her husband can have access to her so called "confidential records".

It was also in my view too long, not so many words were needed to set the mood.

She doesn't even want to introduce Greg as her husband? She's ashamed of him? He's not fit enough? He's not tall enough!!! This marriage was a train wreck ready to happen. If not in Vegas then shortly after somewhere else. So much for being a good guy.<P>

She was in the cheating mode; at the gym, on the airplane, in Vegas. Didn't matter much who. Now she is a size queen too. Too bad for Greg. The story doesn't say but did she ever tell him to take better care of himself, to exercise, etc? Did she ever talk to him about what was making her unhappy? With such a selfish, self centered bitch it's doubtful.<P>

I love the STD as now her ability to hide her cheating has just gone away. I am very curious as to what happens. Does the "good guy" Greg forgive her? Probably. Will she continue in her cheating ways? Probably. Will she get Greg to swing? Hopefully not. If they divorce does Greg get the house and kids? Probably not. A lot of ways to take this.<P>

Thanks for sharing.

Author is very talented and it seems to me each detail is important. So the "motherfucker" download something to her laptop and she some how makes a deal with the doctor to not report her.

Sort of ambiguous; at least she's going to have to pay in some form or fashion; the question is will her husband find out & kick her cheating, slutty & STD infected ass to the curb. The other problem is that this is not at "Loving Wives" category story, the wife is anything but a loving wife.

Please find another hobby. Was bored to tears. OK she is hot or at least she thinks she is we get it. Half the story is either how hot she is or how hot she thinks she is. The fact that men are chasing you does not make you hot, it makes you female.

This story seemed choppy and strained. Now and then, the writer went to first person and then back to a narrator. It was wordy and slow paced.

At least that is what should happen. The wife isn't happy being married to her husband so it's probably best to find someone else she is happy with.

I gather that if the run up is so detailed that the finish will be equally well written.

I think that the husband is going to get gutted by the cheating wife and the kids will pay for her infidelity. " No more little dicks for me." This is a cum dried slut. Funny how only her needs matter!

Top it off with an STD and blackmail and or character assassination. This shabby excuse for a wife is in for a new life or a necessary character adjustment.

I sure hope the husband other than being heart broken and having to deal with some unwanted emotional and and life changing circumstances, brought to his door by a cheating heart, doesn't get saddled with another man's STD.

Here is another story, however well written, that lets us know things we do can have very unhappy outcomes.

You made him out to be a total loeser, why? Hate the selfish, self centered wife and her slut friends, the Vegas stud deserves to die, now this slut will start fucking the Dr. so W.T.F. Their is no one to like or care about, at all, give the husband some chance or write him out, but cockolding sluts turn you on, right? I think I'll skip the rest of this train wreck. God, I wish I could find a good story, yuck.

If Greg find out about his whore wife, I'll like to see what kinda balls he has.

This story was so poorly written I gave up before I'd gotten halfway through. It just meandered through a series of semi-erotic encounters with no sense of timing, with story lines coming and going in fits and starts. Nor does the character appear to have an inner life of any consequence. Add to that the changes of POV in the middle and I'd say you need some serious studying of how to write before you attempt any more stories.

Others have criticized the length of the story but I think it was important to develop that the wife has been slowly turning her back on this marriage for a long time. Isn't it so nice that she settled for her husband. That everyone has to make some compromises so she is OK being with him. But it seems like every other man she meets she is comparing to her husband and he ends up the loser. What kind of relationship is that? She is a very shallow person. She has a loving husband and she is still shopping for Mr. Wonderful. If she is unhappy, do the right thing, get divorced and then do all the shopping she wants. I guess the story is a bit too predictable. After the first thought or two of her being dissatisfied with her husband it just continues without much variety. Then she cheats in Vegas. Why does everyone cheat in Vegas? The STD is a start of things falling apart for her. I'll be interested in how things are resolved in part two. The husband so far has only been seen from her side. He seems like a pretty pathetic soul, just kind of hanging on. Does he suspect how she feels? Does he care? Does he suspect she is cheating? One comment on story structure. When there is a change in the time line you need to clearly indicate it. Maybe with some asterisks or a brief note "Back to the present" or some such. Jumping around without notice is poor style.

I'm sure you meant well, but the story was boring. It was obvious what was going on and the idea that she would see adoctor that her husband read the files on is lunacy. Also, considering that her friends set her up...what does she think of them now, and her comments to herself about her husband? Puh-leeze! As any woman can tell you, size isn't everything and if she was so unhappy with her husbands romantic activities, why didn't she help explore those options with her husband? Then we have to consider her body, you make her sound like she should be a model...after THREE kids. I mean, honestly? How many women retain even a semblance of their figure after one child let alone three. I couldn't wait for the story to end.

She is a typical dumb ass brawd who doesn't have a clue why she 's cheating. Never mind that her husband is among the best, she is nothing but a drippy cunted slui. She does't have a right to her husband or the kids, which arent mentioned except to say she has them. (The writer is more interested in her sex life) There are several reasons but the main one is that women throughout history have chosen tall men. Most short men have the biggest cocks and can satisfy a woman sexually better that the tall m,an (I,m 5ft6 and am 75 years old and have fucked over 500 women during my life as a hairdresser so I have no interest in sex anymore but rather look at the more main things life has to offer) Why does a woman choose the tall man? Why are all the stories about a cheating wife always getting a drippy cunt when she meets a tall man. He is really no better. It comes from man's early past when the world was full of short cavemen. Cro magnion started showing up in the population. He was taller and women naturally assumed that she would have a tall son if she was to breed with a tall man. Sure they were taller bablie but tallness per se had nothing to do with it. It was simply evolution but the idea stuck with drippy cunted sluts that if the choose a tall man to breed with then genetics would produce a better child. I have a son thats well over 6 foot. It's nutrition and not genetics but tell the stupid cheating slt that. She cheats on a good guy for a bigger cock and a tall good looking man. Is Donna dissatisfied with her children by her husband? The writer doesn't describe the kids but they are assumed to be fine. The tall man myth has fucked up the world and good life for ages and ages. I smile when my eight and a half thick cock gets hard these days and I see tall men in the gym shower with little short dicks. But tell that to the cheating skag slut. She thinks she getting something. Never mind that the husband ahs sweated blood for ever since he married the whore to give her the children she wanted. NJow the bitch is fucking around because all the mindless other sluts think like she does.

It's only a mith whore and cheats that tall men have more to give a woman..he actually has less. Why is a shorter man ofetn described as being cocky. That's because he has one. Many short guy's say that's why they are short and a man can grow tall because he is unencunmbred with a heavy cock

so he was ok when she wasf a nobody and now he is not worth breating the same air. you can stop shit like that any time. worthless people who just collect std's are not worth beathing my air.

discombobulated, illogical, unorganized, bizarre and I thought she would never get to the doctors. Worse---is she going to refuse the cure? No redeeming value. Postpone the 2nd Chapter forever.

you wrote a story about an immature, disgusting, selfish woman that no reader is going to relate to, or like... so, the big question is WHY? Why write it? No one cares, we wouldn't care if you had someone come up, poke her eyes out, pour acid on her face and chop her tits off... we'd probably cheer. So you story missed 100%

By the time I got through the intro I was bored and just stopped reading. We dont need her entire lifes history.

This story, as others indicated, would benefit from some editing. The jump from 3rd person to 1st person and back again was irritating and disruptive to the story line. There were also misused words and examples of poor sentence structure that made the story tedious for the reader. As for the plot, try reading "Love Me Tender, Please," by Kathi. That story included some similar scenarios but the development was far more logical and believable. I would suggest the author try switching to the husband's point of view, and perhaps also to the male "player's" perspective, rather than going from narrative to first person for Donna alone. It would make the long intro seem less of a drag, and we the readers would have more insight into Greg's character. I'm curious to see if Greg is dumb and clueless, or if he knows more than Donna gives him credit for . . . I hope chapter 2 is coming soon. Thanks for writing.

Total shit, about a filthy cheating bitch. I can't imagine anyone wanting to read more of this.

This chapter was full of details about the wife. I hope we do get a similar vision of the husband in the next chapter. Perhaps he was fooling around while she was in Vegas and gave her the clamidia! If she did get it from Matt then it is too late to avoid her husband picking it up!

The comments are almost universally bad but then they do seem to get many of the facts wrong when they include them... The person who pointed out that no one could identify with Donna was right.... Mostly we have guys reading on here and they won't identify with her, ever. Some housewives would probably identify with the turned down opportunities and then consider Matt a fantasy... But why do you have to have a hero ... or identify with someone in order to read? Looking forward to the next chapter!

but eventually I found myself scanning all the details of the various "missed opportunties" so I could get to the meat of the story.

I agree that shifting from 3rd to 1st person created a traffic jam for me... I had to stop and re-read several times before I could (I guess... still not certain) follow who was saying/doing what to whom.

Overall you seem to be working the plot fairly well. I agree that I would like to see Greg's side of the story developed a bit. That would make a good 2nd chapter by itself. Matt is Matt, and I see no need to develop him further except if you're planning on making him into more than just a villian. I could see super-villian for him if you develop the part about the i-phone plugged in to the laptop.

Overall, I scored it a 3, but that was mostly because of the 3rd person to 1st person shift... and partly because of all the pages about her "missed opportunities".

Please send the next chapter soon!!

...regarding my earlier comment about making Matt a super villian. I noticed that some of the commentors noticed quite a few of your plot tricks, such as the computer records and the i-phone. But am I the only one who noticed that you said not once, but twice how all the lights were on in Matt's apartment? Was our bad guy recording these events for future use? And why did he take so long in the shower? WIll you bring these out as the story develops?

Enquiring minds want to know...

....but no comment. Unlike me unless you deleted it which seems strange since whatever i could write about this couldn't be any worse than the norm.

I agree that it is too drawn out and that makes it hard to hold the reader's interest. That being said, is there a chapter 2 or does it just end?

Love the plot line, so far. Am really looking forward to Chapter 2.

When can we expect a second chapter? This story deserves a conclusion...

I have to agree with 'bobby9909' on this one. It was a good story, so far, but it needs a true ending. Like what is Donna screaming "No, stop!" for? Anyone that screws around should realize that there are many ways to be 'found out'. Of these, the two worst are, catching an STD, or ending up pregnant. In life, these two ways will usually end in a divorce. In my books, she would deserve it.

or drawn out about this story. It had no problem keeping my interest. It does need a chapter 2, I need more information in order to vote.

Just an old hide so 1*

A slut is a slut and STD for the husband.It does not take long about a fortnight before a husband suspects and a month to divorce.

husband should kick her to the curb she should go jump off a bridge she is nothing but a slut that has to spread her legs she did it willingly there is no such thing as an accidental fucking.

The gradual revealation of her desires; the exploration of her motives and her fears, were all handled superbly. It doesn't matter whether or not we approve of the main character - the writing is just so good that it really deserves appreciation. Congratulations on a very fine piece of writing.

Hope she rots in hell. The dirty slut.

Finish it!

...just like many reader who dislike unfinished stories, had, - and he stopped: writing!

Better luck on your next story

typical for single married couples, she falls into temptation and now forgets her husband and worse has STD. In reality, the Doctor cannot in anyway ignore the law, the husband must be notified. What is real here, this guy will no doubt post images and of course blackmail since he now has her whole address book and phone list by plugging into the laptop to charge. very clever

really great feelings and thoughts that i related to .. you did really good ..but where in fukk is the rest of the story ? ?

Your like the rest of these suppose authors who think they can write a story. The fact is you actually had a good story with this one, too bad you ran out of ideas on how to finish the damn thing. I would have given it a better rating except for the fact that you got too lazy, or too stupid, and didn't finish the fucking thing. Like all the other writers who think they are authors. If you can't write a whole story no matter how good it is then stay the fuck away from writing.

Sorry, but that is how it has to be. You had a good premise, overly written though it was.

A nice first time adultery story. The wife doesn't take the "oh I love my husband so much, why did I do this?" Route- she knows she's been on this road for a while, trying to put the brakes on but failing. Good pacing so far- I look forward to reading more.

Finally this ugly bitch got what she deserved.... Hope Greg dumps the diseased slut...

What if the husband knew all along and with inside tips from her colleagues he made the revenge work against her. and now an STD to go along with her shame. wait for Ch 2

Bored Wife But not because of husband... She wanted something NEW. she got IT. YEAH a 5 for the slut.

Having been an unsuspecting victim having caught an STD on several occasions earlier in my life...and I don't think they were maliciously spread but spread they were, I can assure you that they take some time to develope into symptoms in a man...3 days in my case. Often a woman has no external symptoms, which I believe is why STDs spread so rapidly, so its hard to believe she showed symptoms before her husband did unless they had no sexaul contact after she returned from Vegas, which seems unlikely.

And I thought I was the only one who would point out that not everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... now she will be raising her kids alone and partying less because she will have to pass on the out of town shows...wonder if she can make ends meet without her old useless ex-husband.

Completely unfinished garbage.

I think the author dies of AIDS or Chlamydia…that’s why he could not finish this story…anyway good riddance!

I, too, would like to know how it ends.

A good start but only a 2 until the story finishes!

4 Stars on this one . She did not make him wear a Condom so she got lucky it was not Aids .. If I remember right she will have to name all of her Sex Partners . Run Greg Run after you get treated