All Comments on 'Don't Look Back Ch. 27'

I haven't read the first twenty-six chapters of your story. I opened this chapter and started here to see what the quality of the writing was like. Anybody who writes twenty-seven chapters of something is either very good, trying to get good, or very determined.

Here's my advice after reading chapter twenty-seven:

Cut out filtering devices wherever possible. ‘He felt’, ‘he thought’, ‘he observed’ are all filters. They distance the reader from the character. Particularly in a work where you are trying so desperately to be visceral with the BDSM angle, these filtering devices act as huge roadblocks. Additionally, cut out pleonasms. A pleonasm is a word or phrase which can be removed from a sentence without changing its meaning. Again, pleonasms distance the reader and slow the pace of your story. I'll demonstrate.

The swat was repeated, and immediately after, Marshall felt the ice being pressed against the spot. The contrast between the warmth and the cold sent tingles shooting through him. Damn, it hurt so good. And he found the darkness wasn't quite as terrifying as he would have thought. He knew Lee was right there, and always would be. Nothing bad could happen to him as long as they were together. The knowledge was comfortable, and he felt more secure for it.

That's your paragraph. Now read it without any filters or pleonasms.

The swat repeated, and immediately after ice pressed against the spot. Tingles shot through Marshall. Damn, it hurt so good! The darkness wasn't quite as terrifying. Lee was right there; he always would be. Nothing bad could happen as long as they were together.

Better, eh? Can you imagine just how much hotter the whole scene will read once you apply those principles to all of it?

Happy rewriting.