Dreams Ch. 05

5:30 p.m.

6:30 p.m.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Natalia paced back and forth in her small apartment. She moved out of her friend Jay's place soon after staying a few nights with him. She needed her own space and time to think without contaminating her mind with the harsh opinions of others. She knew it was easy for friends and family to criticize her for her naïve decisions. At times, she criticized herself as well and rightly so.

Now she had time to think about another decision.

"To go, or not to go, that is the question." Natalia whispered to herself as she twirled back and forth in front of the mirror. She wore a long gray tunic with black tights and black 'hooker' boots, as she referred to them as. She rubbed her stomach and twisted her neck to ease some pain she felt creeping around her shoulders and down her back. Her stomach was still small. She had curves to hide anything that might be evident in her lower region. She pulled her curls into a pony tail, away from her glowing face. It was true what they said -- being pregnant gives one a glow.

She walked back and forth from her bedroom to the hallway again and again. She did it repetitively, hoping when she reached the hallway once again she would come up with a decision. She didn't know whether she wanted to give him a chance.

"A chance? It's not really a chance. I'm not giving him a chance to do anything. Maybe talking to will ease my mind." She said to herself.

"Great - now I'm having conversations with myself." She rolled her eyes and walked down the hall.

She glanced to the digital clock sitting on her T.V. 7:00 p.m.

She grabbed her black Coach purse, locked the door, and made her way over to the car. 'It's now or never' She thought.

*

Angelo's restaurant had been more packed than usual. It was a nice restaurant filled with diversity. Although the majority of the people who went to the restaurant were Italian, there were others as well.

Natalia looked down at her watch as she followed the hostess to her seat where Jason was waiting for her. 7:45 p.m.

"Nice of you to show up." Jason said lightly agitated as he stood up to greet Natalia.

"You're lucky I did." She replied as she sat down.

The table was quiet, and Natalia looked around to see the families and couples all around her.

Angelo's was such a family place.

"You wanted to talk?" She asked irritably.

"How are you?"

"Fine. Yourself?" She replied, staring into his eyes.

"I'm alright. I miss you." He touched the side of her face with his knuckles. She turned and looked away.

"Jason, do you every think we could work this out?" She looked across the room.

"I do."

"How? How can I forgive you?"

"Nat, it's not going to take a day. But you have to want it. If you don't want this, making it work will never happen." Jason stated sternly.

She didn't want to admit it but she didn't know if she wanted to make it work. She didn't know if it was worth it. Would the memory of the past haunt her forever? If it did, she couldn't go on being with him.

"Sometimes I think it's better to walk away than try to glue the broken pieces back together, pretending the new and imperfect is better than the old." She stated honestly.

"Maybe you're right, Natalia. But not in this case. Not with someone you've been with for four years. Not you're other half!" Jason pleaded.

They were suddenly interrupted by the waiter.

"How are you? I'm Matt and I'll be your waiter for the evening. Can I start you off with something to drink, sir?" The waiter asked politely with a bright smile.

"I'll have white wine. She likes Sangria-" Jason replied.

"No, no Sangria for me tonight. I'll have water, please." Natalia told the hefty waiter. He nodded and returned to the kitchen.

"No Sangria? But you always like a fruity drink with your dinner." Jason looked at her puzzled. Natalia hated the taste of alcohol, and didn't have more than two drinks a night, but if the drink was fruity, she could hang.

"Not tonight." Natalia opened the menu and gazed around it, looking for something to eat.

Usually she would be tense, but she was starving. Her appetite was growing daily. The chicken parm sounded delicious to her. She remembered she would cook it for Jason when he returned from work.

"Remember the night of the 15th? In January? You didn't call me for three days. I was so worried. I made chicken parm for you, hoping you would somehow think of my cooking and come home." She giggled to herself and shook her head. How silly of her.

"Nothing could keep you from being with those women, huh?" She tilted her head and stared at him seriously, hoping for a reaction. It was so hard to get one from him sometimes.

"No, nothing at that time Natalia. I was stupid and scared. When you told me I was the best thing that happened to you, I ran the other direction. I didn't understand how I could be that for you when I wasn't even happy with myself. I knew you deserved better, and I sincerely wanted to be better for you, but I didn't think I could. Natalia, I thought maybe if I cheated on you, you would leave and make it easier for me to leave, too. I loved you so much it scared me. You left so many people who meant so much to you for me. And for what? I was garbage. I treated you like shit. I never opened up to you. I shut you out, and that made me feel like crap, so when you went to design homes, I went to get my mind off things. I swear those girls meant nothing to me. Just another pussy. Nothing, Nat. I have to wake up every day remembering what I did, and you never stop reminding me. You don't give me a chance to do better because of your negative thinking." Jason took her hands in his and rubbed her finger.

"Where's the ring?" He asked, his jaw clenched.

"I threw it at you the day I gave you the papers." She shook her head thinking about his previous comment.

"I'm thinking negatively? Are you out of you mind, Jason? I'm trying to deal with your bullshit, and you tell me I'm thinking negatively? Excuse me if it's hard to look past the image of your husband in bed with another woman. Women, in this case!" She exclaimed.

"Shhhh - lower your voice!" Jason whispered sharply as he looked around, making sure nobody was paying attention.

"You have some nerve even talking to me like that, Jason. You really have no idea what you did to me, do you? I waited for you night after night, hoping you would come home. I lay in bed, thinking of all the possible places you could be. Never once did I imagine you in the arms of another woman. Never," She began to tear up. "Never." she repeated over and over, in disbelief of the state she found herself in.

"I get that, Natalia, I do. But you need to work with me to get better. You have to give me a chance. It's the only way." He sighed.

"I don't know if I can do that." She replied as she wiped under her eyes. She knew it was a good idea not to wear makeup. It wasn't like she was trying to impress anyone, anyway.

"You have to try. Just try, please." He pleaded with her as he leaned in closer to her face. She moved back as she felt his face come close to her lips.

"I had dreams that something was wrong. I had a dream that you were talking to another girl, and that I was crying. I couldn't stop crying in my dream. I just kept thinking, 'Why is he hurting me?' It felt just as bad in my dreams as it did in real life." She explained. She was simply trying to get her feelings across. It was so hard getting through to this man, but she desperately wanted him to understand her pain. If it didn't work out between them, it would be okay, as long as he understood what he put her through emotionally.

"That's not a dream, my darling. That's a nightmare." He said with sadness in his eyes. He took a sip of the wine the waiter had put down in the midst of their conversation.

"Yeah...I thought it was a nightmare, but it was my intuition, and I didn't listen. I regret that so much, Jason. I wish I listened to my head instead of my selfish heart." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. It was so hard to be inches away from him without touching him.

"You love me so much it's hard to think with your head. I do, too, you know. I love you." He stated matter-of-factly as he kissed her knuckle. She shivered.

"I *loved* you, Jason. I don't know what I feel right now." She said as she held onto his hand tighter.