All Comments on 'Drinking Games Ch. 02'

by scarlett_devil

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9 Comments

jackal_man almost 16 years ago

Good follow-up, however...

...It was a tad on the short side. The premise was promising enough, and the build-up was great. However, you sped things along way too quickly, in my opinion, and in so doing you missed out on some unique, rarely seen "brother and sister tag-teaming unsuspecting neighbor" action. The sequence in the bar worked well enough, but as soon as Jessica started moving in on Sandy (with the main character doing the same), the sandwich was more or less over. If you spent a bit more time dwelling on the fact that the two siblings were both enjoying Sandy (as well as Sandy's reaction to such an unheard of scenario), I think the chapter could have benefited. Also, the climactic scene in Sandy's apartment was a nice finish, but much like everything else, too brief and lacking in significant details or interactions. The dirty talk was fine, but it wasn't complemented enough by either Sandy's reactions or the taboo nature of the brother/sister union. I realize this is a series, but keep in mind your writing skill is quite good. You have the potential to improve your installments quite a bit, so my advice to you is to take things a bit slower, and add more meaning to these happenings. Now that Sandy's clued in to the fact that the siblings' relationship with one another is quite unorthodox, how will that affect things? There was so much potential to be had if the brother spied on the girls in the bathroom, and much more teasing could've taken place. Alas, you are entitled to take the story in whichever direction you choose, and while the main character's choice to leave the bar was the route less traveled, it cost the story some hotness points since it was overall quite rushed. Hopefully you'll build on everything a bit more with future installments. Nice work, and best of luck.