Driving in Snow Ch. 01

The discussion continued.

At one point I started talking about soul age. This is one of those ideas which is obvious if you think about it but most people don't consider this aspect of things. In any event I dug out some notes that I had on the subject based on the writings of Jose Stevens. We talked about how each level of soul development has different needs and different approaches to life. We talked about how each soul age has differing views regarding: relations to others, religion, death and sex. When I got to sex I pointed out that a baby soul will mate as duty and may well be bound up in ideas like sex should be only for procreation. A young soul is apt to mate as a conquest, as a way of establishing dominance and self gratification. A mature soul is beginning to really explore relationships and views sex as a very intense form of communication. The old soul sees sex as a form of spiritual practice, a yoga, a way to union with God.

Ann lit up at this saying: "THAT'S IT! That's why I wasn't interested in any of the guys in high school. I was not willing to settle for anything less than spiritual practice, while the guys were young souls who just wanted to score."

I pointed out that this is much easier said than done. I talked about the first novel that I read which included a sex act: Robert Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" where the lovers say to each other at the end of the act: "Thou art God." I really thought that would be how it was and when I actually had sex I was very disappointed when it was not. Looking back, it is now obvious that I was not in a space where it would have been possible.

I went on to point out that this book coined two concepts and explored a third which I thought were important. The first was "Grok" which means to understand something so completely that you merge with it. This understanding is not at all conceptualization but is instead an inner knowing, a gnosis. The second idea was "water brother" which became very popular with the hippies in the 1960's. This was a relationship built on trust, without jealousy. Very loving, very deep, very committed relationships which are permanent but not exclusive. The third idea was that most of the suffering of mankind is a direct result of jealousy.

I stated that: "Jealousy is a measure of lack of love and lack of belief in self. It is putting our personality ahead of our so called 'love.'"

It occurred to me that jealousy is a profound way of claiming our separateness. When we remember our underlying oneness true love is not only possible but actually automatic.

I stated that: "I have four children, two boys and twin girls, and the love I have for each reinforces and indeed magnifies the love I have for the other three. Most parents would probably agree with that, so we clearly have an existence proof that such love is possible. Love between parent and child is seen as a growing apart, a growing into parallelism. The functional parent sees his or her love as primarily helping the child to grow. Unfortunately many parent-child relationships are dysfunctional, sometimes this is karmic, sometimes not.

However, as soon as it is a sexual relationship between two people, the rules are presumed to change: it is supposed to be exclusive and any interest in anyone else provokes jealousy which is taken as some sort of proof of love. This is the standard view. This is honoring personality, ego, not soul, not spirit. I think that these attitudes and the games that come from holding them result in a great deal of the misery in the world. Maybe romantic love needs to be more like parent child love in that it needs to recognize the central role of growth, especially spiritual growth in the process."

Continuing: "If we use the model of earth as a school for souls. then each relationship is a classroom in that school and we function as both student and teacher. It seems to me that such a growing environment implies change in ways that what is appropriate at one time may not remain appropriate forever. For example: if a relationship is formed to balance a karma and the karma is indeed balanced or becomes so blocked that balancing is impossible it might be and I emphasize 'might be' as opposed to 'is,' appropriate for the partners to go on to other relationships. The 'romantic relationship' is supposed to be exclusive and therefore it cannot be permanent. A 'water brother' relationship can be permanent only by being non-exclusive and by shifting form as is appropriate to changing circumstances. Thus the traditional marriage, trying to be permanent, exclusive and fixed in form, is really over-constrained. Most people today see divorce as a measure of failure, but I am not sure that that is usually the case. Historically divorce was rare but most marriages did not last a long time because one partner died. Today with good health care we live longer and need divorce."

"To make a 'water brother' type relationship work the people involved need to remain in a true awareness of themselves and all of their partners as spiritual beings having a human experience. There is a huge difference between water brothers and a so called 'open marriage.' Open marriages tend to have the goal of maximizing sexual activity or at least sexual variety. Usually this emphasis on 'getting laid' draws the people involved away from spiritual awareness."

"It seems to me that the manifest God however we view he-she-it is pure love and makes all things lovable and love-worthy. Thus, I believe that the primary goal of all forms of true love is the spiritual growth, spiritual development, of the object or objects of that love. Maybe goal is not really the right word here, goal implies conscious effort and this process is generally neither conscious or effortful. In fact making an effort in this direction often spoils it. Still I'm hard pressed to come up with a better word. Purpose is possibly better but both goal and purpose imply that we love to accomplish something and I don't really think that is the case. Love is sufficient to love."

I thought for a few moments and then continued: "Maybe result is a better word. Spiritual growth for everyone concerned is the result of true love.

Implicit in this is a recognition of the role of dharma, our task in any lifetime and how being loving is aiding our love in accomplishing their task. Again this is usually not conscious or effortful. We need to remember that each person's dharma is different, unique.

True love, divine love, at its best is also balancing, returning to the center.

The role of romantic love and sexual activity in the furtherance of divine love is neither obvious nor simple. Very often, in fact usually, these activities are anything but balancing. However, romantic love and sexual activity certainly add energy and movement to the process."

We discussed these ideas for a while. All three girls, Cindy in particular, asked some really probing questions.

Likewise I remembered another description of sex as 'Sharing the sacred fire.' I also talked about how seeing my first love nude for the first time was as much a mystical experience as a sexual one. I was asked what happened when I made love with my first love and I explained that we never did make love. They all said: "Sorry."

Cindy asked if I still loved her and I responded: "Yes, I love her enough that I wish her a happy and successful marriage even though she is married to someone else. Deep down, I still love all the girls I dated. Perhaps in some cases, more now than then."

The conversation bounced around a bit.

Both Mary and I agreed that we had never had sex as a mystical experience although we both believed that it was possible and we both really wanted to experience sex that way.

We discussed how to really love and I remembered a book I had bought the night before. I went out to the car and retrieved it, together with three books on Tantra. The book was about loving as the soul. We ended up reading the first part of this book aloud to each other, passing it on to the next person as each of us tired of reading. The discussion was fascinating and a little wild.

At one point in the discussion I noticed that Samantha had quietly crawled onto my lap and was curling up and looking cute. Cindy said: "She never does that." I started to pet her and she purred loudly. Cindy said: "She almost never does that either."

We talked about relationships in general and marriages in particular as karmic workshops bringing people together to resolve old issues. I put forward the idea that to have sexual intercourse is not only to establish strong karmic bonds but also to agree to share karma.

Mary looked glum at this until I pointed out that one book I read said the sharing only lasted seven years. I also said that if people understood this they would tend to be much more careful about who they slept with.

Mary laughed and said: "Oh, yeah."

We talked a bit more about karma and I pointed out that the word literally means 'action,' specifically any action which disturbs a balance, any balance. Thus we have to re-balance that which we have unbalanced but pure love, true love which is the essence of the divine generally does not need to be balanced although it may be honored. Honoring is not the same as worshiping.

Coming back to relationships, I pointed out that when two atoms join in a molecule energy is released and that something similar happens in relationships. When a couple first come together this binding energy is released. This extra energy feels wonderful and each person may assume that it is from the other and will be permanent, while actually it is from the forming union. Once the relationship is fully formed this energy source disappears and many people think 'Oh-the romance is over.' When a relationship breaks up this energy must be replaced and both parties feel drained and may blame the other for taking their energy. To avoid this trap it is important to develop skills at pulling spiritual energy both from the ground below and the universe above.

I suggested that almost any or all human activity can be a yoga, a building of union with the divine, if we choose to use it that way.

I continued: "Likewise the energy of sex which can seem so very powerful is just one form of spiritual energy. It is a form which is easy to tap but is really not nearly as powerful as some of the higher and more subtle forms. Thus we can use sex to draw us toward or away from yoga. There is a yoga, sometimes called Tantra which literally means 'weave' and is using the senses to move past the senses. Here in the west many people think Tantra is just about sex but while it includes sex it is much more general. Tantric sex is not an easy route although it can be a very fast one. Going this way requires both courage and a compatible partner. Using the sexual act as a way of connecting to God also requires great self discipline. It is, among other things, making the act an honoring of the God/Goddess at the center of our partners being. Honoring without worshiping, not easy to do. Some older souls find it easier to just stay celibate. However, I, for one, do not resonate with the celibacy path."

I was asked what I looked for in a woman, both now and back when I was single. I responded: "Five things, and the list really has not changed from college, but the order has shifted and my understanding of them has changed a great deal. In college something which I didn't have a name for then but would now call vibrational compatibility was first, intelligence was second with something that I also didn't know how to describe then but now know as an internal spiritual awareness third, innocence fourth and physical beauty fifth. I always really wanted innocence but for a while I thought that I wanted or should want worldly sophistication. That misunderstanding brought both me and some of the girls I dated more than a little pain. Perhaps I should add sweetness and kindness to the list and maybe they are implied by the rest of the list. Today vibrational compatibility is still first, with innocence and spiritual awareness competing for second place and my understanding of innocence though still incomplete is vastly different. For example, I have come to believe that innocence is something that we can gain as well as lose."

This launched us into a discussion of innocence.

We stopped and watched a weather forecast: more snow, higher winds. Mary clicked on the outside light and we looked out the window. The driveway was totally blocked by a high drift as the wind swirled around the barn. Apparently this was common.

I got to hug each of them. Each hug was gentle, even tender, with a subtle clingingness, not overtly sexy at all but with a tremendously erotic undercurrent. . In each case it was clear that both of us were reluctant to end the hug. Nice energy with each of them.

I found myself thinking that if I had to use one word to describe these four girls, and girls seemed appropriate for all of them, that word would be 'charming.' I felt totally charmed perhaps even bewitched - bewitched, beguiled, entranced and enchanted. The funny thing was they weren't doing anything that could possibly be interpreted as 'coming on to me,' just a subtle look of longing in each of their eyes combined with easy relaxed smiles.

Ann took Mary aside for a private conversation. Whatever they talked about Mary nodded 'yes' enthusiastically. Ann then had a whispered conversation with Barbara who refused whatever it was Ann asked, with Barbara finally saying: "I'm going to wear it." I wondered what that was all about.

Mary suggested that Ann use her shower. Ann went to take a shower.

Mary asked Barbara and Cindy to help me bring my suitcases from the car to Ann's room. Cindy looked surprised and started to say: "What about..." only to be stopped short by her mother's glare. Again I was left wondering what was going on. After holding the doors while Barbara and I moved my suitcases into Ann's room Cindy picked up one of the Tantra books and headed off to her room. I followed Barbara up the stairs and found myself thinking that I had never seen a person move so gracefully while carrying a pair of suitcases up a flight of stairs before.

Mary said to me: "You have first crack at the main upstairs bathroom."

Then she took me aside and said: "Two things you should know: First, Ann is on the pill, we are all on the pill and second, I'm pretty sure she is still a virgin so please be very gentle with her."

I was floored. I said: "Mary, I'm married plus I'm old enough to be her grandfather, for God's sake!"

Mary replied: "Trust your heart."

To which I responded: "She's an extremely attractive girl by all of my criteria. I'm not sure I will be able to hear my heart over another part of my anatomy."

Mary said: "This time I am trusting my intuition, and Ann's - I know who you are and I am not worried." I felt very honored.

I went to Ann's room and unpacked enough for the evening: Shaver, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, comb, fingernail clipper, emery board, bathrobe and slippers.

Ann has a large room with a queen size bed. Her computer, a large laptop, was on a table next to her desk. She had it interfaced to a large display, a scanner and both an inkjet and a laser printer.

I went into the bathroom, did my teeth, nails and shaved and showered. Wearing my bathrobe and slippers I returned to Ann's room, kicked off the slippers and crawled into bed. I normally sleep nude but now I felt the robe might be a good idea.

Ann.

I found "Om Mani Padme Hum" running through my mind. I relaxed into it. "Om Mani Padme Hum ... Om Mani Padme Hum... The Jewel is in the Lotus... join method with wisdom to turn impure self into the purity of the Buddha."

I found myself thinking: "This is an odd time to be doing this mantra." Then I was back in it: "Om Mani Padmi Hum... Om Mani Padmi Hum..." Eventually it faded to silence.

I was starting to wonder if Ann had decided to sleep elsewhere when she finally entered her room. She had done her hair up and had applied a little bit of makeup. She was wearing silvery white satin pajamas. The top ended at the waist such that a sliver of skin was showing at her midriff. As she moved her navel came briefly into view. I told her that she looked ravishing and she laughed and asked: "Does that mean you will ravish me?"

My response was "I would not want to use the word 'ravish,' but why don't you come to bed and we will talk for a while." She lit a candle which was on the side table by the bed, turned off the room light and crawled in next to me. She snuggled up close but not quite touching. She looked radiant in the candlelight.

She said: "I've never experienced love at first sight before. In fact I thought it was some sort of fiction or just a line that guys use. When I first saw you I knew that I loved you but my mind interpreted that as loving you as the father or grandfather that I wished that I had. My heart is not letting my mind get away with that - My heart is deep into Eros. The more I listened to you tonight the stronger it became, the more I realized just what an amazing person you really are - someone who really sees the world in spiritual terms, someone who lives his spirituality."

I replied: "I felt a strong attraction that I interpreted as 'lust at first sight' when I first saw you. In fact I find myself responding that way to all four of you, but I was happy just living with that glow, that happy thought, and was certainly not expecting for anything sexual to develop. Nonetheless I find behind the 'lust' is a very deep love for each of you. Being here with you like this is opening my heart in a way that I had long since stopped believing was possible.

"However, as I explained to your mother: I'm married, old enough to be your grandfather and after the weather clears we may never see each other again. These are reasons for you to think long and hard about making love with me. The question is not only how do you feel now or how you will feel in the morning but how you are apt to feel in ten years or twenty years. I hope that if we were to make love and I want to call it that, not fucking, not screwing, but really making love - reaching for the best in each of us, that such an act would instruct your innocence without bruising it. To be honest, I'm not sure that I am pure enough, innocent enough to really do that."

She responded: "Earlier, when you were talking about unconditional love and how it was important to love people for who they are rather than who you would want them to be, even when your own needs are not being met, there was a sadness about you that touched my heart. Even though you haven't said anything about your marriage directly that sadness speaks volumes. Seeing who you are it is clear that your marriage isn't perfect or you would have not let things develop to the place where we are here having this conversation, so I don't feel that I am poaching. The fact that you are worried about your purity, in spite of hours of discussion demonstrating tremendous purity, compassion and spiritual awareness says to me that you are really coming from a pure and loving space. It would have been easy for you to claim that and take advantage of me but instead you are giving me reasons not to proceed. Loving reasons. If we can truly make love, make love as a spiritual practice then I can think of no better way of losing my virginity even if we only were to have tonight together. If we do that I will go to my grave with your name in my heart as my beloved or at least as a beloved. At the same time I will not feel sad that we did not have a full life together, to have you even for one night is infinitely better than not having you at all, and who knows we might have some future lifetime together. As you said earlier about love, love is a skill and a state of being and loving one makes it easier to love another, to love all - that the separateness is really illusion anyway. You are the only man I have ever heard of who thinks in these terms, none of my friends boyfriends or husbands is even close. But more than all of that thinking, my knowing, my internal guide, my connection to the higher parts of my being says: 'Yes.' I want to share the sacred flame with you, Yes, Yes, Yes!"