All Comments on 'Dusk Before Dawn Ch. 01'

Good story...keep going :)

cant wait for part 2 hope its soon .

Absolutely loved this. Plz make more!

MORE.

I see this is your first story, so . . . some feedback:

Promising ideas so far - I like the witchcraft aspect, for example, as that's a little unusual. The story badly needs proofreading, though - lots of spelling errors, lots of incorrect use of words, and lots of poor or missing punctuation. I'm getting a sense of some self-conscious crudity – I don't know whether you're trying to make the kids look more "streetwise", but it doesn't quite gel. Just write the characters naturally – people are more likable without sharp edges, and that applies to all ages. They're "well brought up" but they're smoking dope? - this comes across as "trying too hard". (Smart kids don't need to rebel.) Watch the dialogue. Personally, I've never actually heard anyone call someone "girl" (outside of movies and bad TV shows) - it has a broad range of connotations, associated originally with American inner cities. If your character really is someone who calls others "girl", fine, but consider your dialogue carefully - readers will make assumptions about your characters based on how they speak to each other. Try the dialogue out as a little "movie" in your mind, and imagine the lines being spoken by actors. Are your characters coming across as the characters you're trying to write?

Watch out for "passage of time" errors - how long does something take? eg. ". . . switched the shower on, took a piss, and brushed his teeth before hopping into the warm water . . ." - this jars - either he isn't brushing his teeth properly, or he's wasting a helluva lot of water.

That said, keep writing - looking forward to chapter 2.

Really fun and curious where your going with it.

This story has got potential! Can't wait for Chapter 2 :)

(but am I sensing a little Twilight with the tense and staring Brick, getting all possessive when Nate talks to Billy?)

That said, you need to proofreader for misspellings and funky punctuation.

But all in all, a great beginning!

Intrigued by Brit and the thing with billy's dad. I'd say that Billy has to be fleshed out more as a character. What will he be like other than a quiet, observative young guy? How many of are wolves in the school and who are they, other than Brick, Max and Aaron?

hope for more soon.

cannd

Loving the story and whole concept, idea and plot you have. Can't wait to read more from you.

I do agree with others, it needs some proof reading and editing first. Lots of grammar errors and miss-spelling of words. The one word that annoys me the most is 'your' instead of 'you're'. Think of it as someone saying 'you are'

Love your story and your characters ,But I think I seems your rushing the story a Tad it almost seemed like I was reading on Fast-Forward lol just slow it down take your time ,I love a good werewolf story :) but anyway AWESOME JOB! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK'

A great start so far, I have high expectations when it comes to supernatural/werewolf stories and you met them pretty close. Their are a couple of spelling errors that I saw and some sentences that didn't flow quite right, but in all not a bad start and I can't wait to read more from you. :)

There is no further debate about George. Billy & Nicky must accept the final answer. I adore the humor you've added to this new werewolf story. You've set up multiple venues to pursue. The characters are interesting yet not so similar as is often the case after only one chapter. Don't think you need additional clubbing about grammar and spelling. Please keep the witty dialogue. I've laughed for days from Johnny's school exit line, "Yes ok honey I will ask for you. But first you should get your yeast infection sorted out!"

You need an editor to make this a better story. Sorry. The grammar nazi in me was having a field day.