Elysium: The Chance

The voice was so soothing. My body was already so weak. I couldn't stop sobbing. It was the worst day of my life.

"You're okay, sweetheart," the voiced cooed. "You're okay."

Sweetheart. She called me sweetheart. Only my mother had ever called me that. Something broke deep inside of me and I sank into the woman's arms. The voices were but whispers now, still snickering, but they were fading.

"They... they w-were right... about me," I gasped between sobs into the fur coat. "They were... right ab-about me!"

"Shh, no, you're fine, you're just fine sweetheart."

****

The Stranger and the Truth

****

It was dark. I was warm. So warm.

I blinked my eyes and rolled my head. My neck ached as I leaned forward in the seat. The road in front of my eyes was dark. The engine hummed gently. I heard the faint sounds of music all around. Jazz... maybe, I couldn't really tell. My hair clung to my face in strings.

This was not my car.

I looked around slowly, trying not to draw attention to myself... and trying not to move my throbbing head. The car I was sitting in looked new. Everything was so modern, clean, and luxurious. The screen on the dash glowed dimly. My eyes found the driver in the gloom beside me.

Her. It was the dark haired woman from the cocktail bar. It was coming back to me. I cut my eyes over and studied her. She still looked regal, but the screen on the dash cast an eerie light on her beautiful face. I was more than a bit nervous waking up in this stranger's car. The lady had taken my keys, I had screamed at her, but everything else was a blur of hurt and rain. My head hurt too much to try to piece together how exactly I'd gotten in the vehicle with her.

"I figured you'd be out for a while longer," the woman suddenly said.

I tensed. She wasn't even looking at me. The lady's shadowed eyes were fixated on the road ahead. I didn't know what to say or do. She seemed perfectly calm and harmless, yet I couldn't decide if that made me feel better or worse.

"If you're tired, you can rest, sweetie," the stranger told me. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Sweetie. She kept calling me stuff like that. I licked my dry lips and built the courage to speak.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked with a cracked voice.

"Away from where you were," she said slyly. "I got the feeling you really didn't want to be there anymore."

The woman glanced over and gave me a warm smile.

"I'm Mary," she told me. "I don't think I caught your name."

I stared at her beautiful face, captivated by the way her dark eyes twinkled like stars in the faint light. "Um... it's Shannon."

Mary grinned again. "That's a lovely name. Your mother's choice?"

My mouth fell open before I could hide my surprise.

"Just a lucky guess." Mary chuckled. "I'm good with things like that."

"I'm sorry, where are we going?" I asked again. "And where is my car? My keys?"

She nodded calmly. "Your car has been taken care of. Listen you don't have to worry about a thing, you're fine. I'm taking you to a place I own out on the coast."

"Why?" Anger crept into my voice. "What do you mean that it's taken care of? What is going on?"

"I saw everything that happened."

I grew silent again. Terrible flashes of the faces at the bar flooded my head. The handsome guy and his digusted face, the confusion and shame in front of the bathrooms... I wanted to forget it all but it hurt so bad. I glanced at Mary, but I couldn't meet her eyes.

"I want to help you," Mary said softly.

I scoffed. "No one can help me. Look at me."

I felt like an idiot. I was in a luxury car with a gorgeous woman. Next to Mary, I felt frail and hideous. I pulled my dirty dress as far down my thighs as I could, then crossed my arms in front of my chest. I once felt so aroused wearing those clothes, but I wanted nothing to do with them now. Wiggling my bare feet in the floorboard, I recalled throwing my heels. That only made me feel worse.

"Was that your first time dressing in public?"

I hesitated. Then I closed my eyes and sighed. It wouldn't make a difference if I told her. Besides, Mary already knew.

"No," I answered. "I... I've been out before. Mostly small stuff. Little trips to the gas station, getting something at a drive-thru, things like that. I was always in situations that I could get away from if I had to, you know, if anyone noticed me. It started as just a secret of mine. A fantasy. I had the house to myself most of the time during the day and... it's just, what I did. I was stupid to go to that bar. I was stupid to go out at all. I screwed everything up."

I ran my hand through my messy hair.

"You... don't have a lot of clothing or accessories, do you?" Mary asked.

I looked at her.

She put up a hand. "Sorry, I didn't mean that to be rude... but it is true isn't it? You don't seem too... experienced at this."

Mary was right. Part of me knew I could never make myself look the way I dreamed. I knew it when I left for that cocktail bar.

"You said something," Mary said. "When I took your keys, you said 'they were right about you'. What did you mean?"

I shook my head and stared blankly out the windshield. "Everyone. They were all right about me. My dad, my best friend Joey, the people at work... they were all right."

Mary looked at me. "Right about what?"

I hesitated. I couldn't even admit it all to myself. Searching the beams of the headlights in front of me, I felt a painful swell in my chest.

"Honey, I'm only a stranger," Mary said. "You have nothing to fear from me like you do with them."

It was the weirdest logic I'd ever heard, and yet made so much sense. The sadness left me hollow and numb. There was no point to being shy or ashamed. I had to tell someone. I couldn't stand living with myself anymore. I took a breath.

"Like I said," I started, "I don't usually do this kind of thing. I live with... I lived... with my best friend Joey. We've known each other since we were little. W-we went to school together. We started a band together- which is kinda why I grew my hair out to begin with."

I smiled weakly at the memories.

"It was so awesome," I went on. "We got a place together and lived there for a couple of years. Joey worked day shift, though, and I usually worked nights. That worked out pretty cool because it was like you had the place to yourself during the week. Then on the weekends we'd hangout and party or whatever we wanted. It was great. Joey was so fun to be around.

"During the day... that's when... when I started to do things. It was just videos. Then it was a pair of panties that one of Joey's girlfriends had left behind. They felt so... silky a-and... It was harmless. Then Joey's girlfriend would leave some stuff at our place, you know, clothes and makeup and things like that."

Mary nodded slowly. "So you started dressing."

I closed my eyes. "Yes. I'm so small and... everything just felt so good. It was just a fantasy. Just something I did when I was alone. I don't know why, but it was such a thrill.

"I still remember the first time I touched a girl, I rubbed her through her pink panties. It was so silky smooth. She... got so wet th-that I felt it through those panties. That's all I felt when I... when I wore a pair for the first time. I was so turned on I could hardly touch myself.

"From that point, I wanted to feel like a woman. I wanted to look like one, to dress like one, to feel a draft up my skirt on my panties... to feel pretty... sexy. It's so different in the mirror though. Out there, I just... I..."

I grew quiet. I couldn't believe the things I was telling Mary. I'd never talked to anyone about anything like that. It was embarrassing, but it was also a huge weight to lift from myself. Cutting my eyes over at Mary, I noticed that she seemed unaffected by anything I told her. She simply listened quietly as I spoke. There was no judgment there, and I felt no fear. Truthfully, I felt nothing at all.

I looked down at my dress absently. "I started going out. I don't know what I was thinking. For some reason I w-wanted to be in public... dressed like a woman. To be seen. I'd go to the gas station. I'd go to the movies by myself. I don't know why. The house wasn't good enough.

"I was getting gas one time. I was dressed in a skirt and heels and everything. My Dad and his friend pulled in right beside me with their bass boat. He recognized my car. Thought the girl pumping gas might be some girlfriend of his son's."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"He realized it was me."

The memories were like nightmares. I remembered the emotions more than images. I still felt the shock and recalled how I tried to hide. I'd tried to jump in the car and leave. My dad had seen me. His friend had seen me. They were right fucking me beside! Even sitting in Mary's car, my heart raced like it did that day. Fear wrapped my body like a suffocating blanket. My father's confusion was written all over his face as he'd stared at me through the window of my Camry. I'd watched that confusion melt into bitter anger and disgust. The boat had nearly careened into another car in the street when Dad had tore out of the lot in his truck.

"How did he react?" I heard Mary ask.

I sniffled and shook my head. "He didn't talk to me for days. I tried calling. Then he showed up at my house, saying he wanted to talk, but all he did was curse at me. He told me my mother would roll over in her grave if she knew her son was a fucking fagget. He told me that I was stupid for joining a band and acting like a girl, that men weren't supposed to have long hair and wear things like that.

"When I tried to explain everything, Dad got so mad. He hit me in the face three times and walked out the front door. I tried to stop him and he hit me again, got in his truck and left. Haven't seen him since."

I wiped my eyes. I felt the anger and hurt building again. I felt the twist of the knife in my gut. Yet as I looked at Mary, who was listening silently to my story, I realized how good it felt to rant, to tell someone the whole thing. I trembled, knowing that my tale only grew worse.

"My Dad told everyone, I guess," I spat. "I think that's how Joey found out. He came home one day and he was so mad. Joey was just... just screaming at me and packing up his things, a-and making fun of me and cursing at me..."

The reel played in my head. Joey had thrown the front door open wide and stormed inside, never bothering to close it. His girlfriend had been with him, but she'd stood outside on the porch listening. I remembered knowing... just knowing that he'd found out about me, before we'd ever spoken a word.

"I should have fucking known, man!" He'd screamed at me. "All that wierd fuckin' shit you were into? And wearing fucking eyeliner at rehearsal and painting your fucking nails? Jesus, you wanted to play that 'sexy suicide' game that night... what did you want to do, suck someone's cock?"

I'd pleaded. "No, it's not what you think!"

"How many guys did you fuck?" Joey had yelled. "How many of Jessica's fucking clothes did you steal? Were you always a queer? God, man, all those times we'd changed in front of each other! You were a queer the whole time! Not even that, you were a fucking sissy! A goddamn crossdresser!"

I could still see the rage in Joey's face. I could still feel the fear and dismay tightening like a knot in my chest. His girlfriend's stupid grin as she stood on the porch giggling at me, the way he'd shoved me aside, the way the house shook and the windows rattled when he slammed the front door, the way...

I blinked.

I saw nothing but the road rushing beneath the headlights of Mary's car. I felt nothing. I was hollow. The black of night slipped around the vehicle. This woman could have been carrying me to my death. I didn't care anymore. The void I'd found myself in was quiet and comforting.

"Joey left?"

Mary's smooth voice surpised me. I looked at her, then after several seconds I finally nodded.

"Yeah," I said. "He screamed and yelled, called me a queer, and left. Moved all his stuff out. Since... since he left, it's been hard covering the rent, and his room's just empty. No one in the band wants to talk to me. Joey put all this shit on Facebook, saying I wear panties and fucked guys and that I wanted to fuck him and other bullshit, a-and..."

I felt my teeth grinding together. Tears stung my eyes.

"You miss him, don't you?"

Part of me wanted to scream in Mary's face. I wanted to hit her, to claw those pretty eyes from their sockets, to jerk those curls right from her scalp. The emotions simmered, and as I turned a tearful glare at Mary, the rage inside of me melted away. She was right. Joey's smile and smooth dimpled cheeks surfaced in my mind. I'd never see that again. Something deep inside split open and hurt spilled into my every vein.

"I miss him," I agreed. My thoughts spun. "Now, everyone knows about me. My boss knows... he already wanted to fire me, now he's looking even harder for a reason. I can't go anywhere."

I motioned to my dress and went on. "I thought that if this... is what I was, I'd have to give it a shot. I thought that maybe... if I c-could find someone, anyone, that saw me for who I was, maybe they'd think I was beautiful and I could start fresh."

I hung my head and held myself tightly. I stared out the window.

"I'm so stupid," I muttered with a sob.

"No you're not," Mary said.

The softness in her voice was gone. Her defiant tone made me look at her.

"You wanted to find someone." Mary met my gaze and grinned. "You did."

I studied her cautiously. I thought surely I had heard her wrong. "You?"

"Yes," Mary answered. Then she made a funny expression. "Well, yes and no. I'm not exactly what you were looking for. But I'm the one who can give it to you. I can help you."

I shook my head. "You can't help me."

"You're so sure?" She said smiling. "Shannon, I understand everything you're going thr-"

"How could you?" I blurted. "How could you possibly understand! Just because you listen to my fucked up story, you think you know how it feels? Do you know what these urges are like? Do you know how it feels to be what I am? I don't even know what the fuck I am!"

Mary sighed. Then, she offered me one of her perfect smiles again.

"You want to be hidden," Mary said. "You want to go out on the town and blend in, to disappear like everyone else in the crowd. You want the thrill of being dressed, and to look so good that no one even notices. But at the same time, you want to be seen. You want to be beautiful in someone's eyes. You want to be so beautiful that they will all look your way. You want to be hidden, but you want them to see you."

I stared at her. Whatever words I was about to say evaporated in my throat. I never thought it could be summed up into words so plainly. The thrill of going out in public, the fear of being exposed, the feeling of people's eyes on me...

Mary knew.

I felt her hand on my smooth thigh. I shifted slightly when I felt my cock stir. It was just a nod, but I felt it pressing against the panties I wore. In an instant, I forgot about the voices. The pain seemed like it was draining away.

"I can help you," Mary said soothingly. "I can give you what you want."

I glanced over at her and shook my head. "H-how?"

I saw Mary's dark eyes glisten when the smile spread on her face. Her hand caressed my thigh. My heart skipped a beat when her finger brushed the hem of my dress.

"There's a place I own," Mary explained. "It's where I'm taking you. There's everything you'd ever want there. Music, dancing, rooms to stay in, a restaurant, a pool, a sauna... whatever you can think of. And if I don't have it..."

Mary looked at me. Something flashed behind her eyes.

"...I can get it for you," she finished. "It's a little specialty of mine. One that few people know about. I want to give you that chance. I want to help you."

My mind started to race. What was she telling me? Could she make me look beautiful? Could she find me someone to share my secret with? A girl? A guy? How was it even possible? What was this place she owned? I realized that I'd talked at such length about myself, but I still knew very little about Mary herself. She seemed incredibly rich. Her car alone was proof of that, for crying out loud. But who was she?

"I can give you whatever you want, Shannon."

It was as if Mary could hear me think. I started to lose my breath. Suddenly, I had a chance. The thrill of just the possibility was intoxicating. I imagined what it would be like... another person's hand sliding up my leg, under my skirt, caressing my cock through my panties. Kissing another person as they...

"You can... do anything?" I stammered.

"Anything and more," Mary said. "I should warn you. It won't exactly be free..."

"I can pay you," I lied. "I promise, I can pay you whatever you want."

Mary grinned. Looking ahead to the road, I saw the lights of a city in the distance.

****

Clint

****

I'd been to Elysium many times. I'd never been as nervous as I was that night.

I stood on the second floor looking out on the dance floor. It was fucking huge. That's all there was to it. What had once been a lavish hotel lobby was now a gigantic party pad, where at least a couple hundred people danced to the tune of blaring music. Damn, I had some great memories on that dance floor. My buddies used to come to Elysium in college, and every visit was like some psychedelic dream. I knew how crazy that floor was when things were in full swing.

It was dark down there. Well, if you didn't count the crazy ass lights that flashed repeatedly. Lasers cut across the crowd, strobes blinked, and spotlights whirled. I heard the sound of a siren, and the crowd went nuts. I glanced across the way at the balcony that overlooked the crowd. I spotted the booth where the DJ worked his magic. The booth was on the same floor that I was standing on, and I got a good look at why the people were going crazy.

I remembered how it worked. The siren usually meant that a performance was about to happen. I spotted the blonde among the dancers that surrounded the DJ. She was some rapper chick, a really famous girl. I'd never heard her music, but the crowd was going berserk. I did recognize her from television. Already she was waving her hands over the crowd, pointing at them, and spitting a series of rhymes into the mic that she pressed to her lips.

The beat tapped for a few seconds. Then all at once the lights flashed like a lightning bolt had struck inside the club. The bass dropped. It seemed like a bomb had went off. I couldn't deny the rush I got from the scene. Hell I wanted to jump off the rail right into the crowd. I didn't even like rap that much. The bass seemed to rattle all twenty something stories of the building. The blonde rapper chick was rattling of rhymes at a cyclic rate. She had the crowd jumping, screaming, and clapping, all while the DJ worked his magic on the tables.

"Your first time?"

I glanced over at the girl beside me. She had just appeared.

"No, I've been several times," I yelled over the music. "It's still awesome, though!"

The girl nodded and smiled. "You alone?"

I was surprised at the direct question. Chuckling to myself and rubbing the stubble on my chin, I offered her a smile.

"No, I'm waiting for some people!" I told her.

"Oh, bummer!" She yelled back. "There's a bunch of us getting together at the fifteenth floor! We've rented a whole row of rooms up there! We're having a big party for my sister!"

The girl leaned close and pointed upward. My eyes scanned the interior walkways that rimmed each floor. I couldn't even count which one was the fifteenth level.

"If you wanna come, it's basically that whole wall of rooms on that side!" She said in my ear. "It's gonna be crazy!"