Enduring Dreams of Submission Ch. 10

Karen returned in about 15 minutes. She was dressed in a nice skirt and blouse that she had found in Reina's closet but she was still barefooted. She sat down on the couch and curled her feet up underneath her and held her hands in her lap. Her eyes stared at the floor. I couldn't tell if she was disappointed in herself in general or because she had crashed head on into an emotional wall that had suddenly made itself known and had just as suddenly overwhelmed her entire focus as to why she was here in the first place.

"What are you thinking right now Karen?"

"I'm thinking that I have just made an idiot and a fool of myself and that I probably shouldn't have come here in the first place. I mean..... just look at the chain of events. I have been curious about being controlled by another person for most of my life. I've sought out situations that I had hoped would allow me to experience being under someone's control and never felt safe enough to allow it or had just hooked up with men who understood less about what I needed then I did.

You know..... Using the word 'control' is a rather lame way to explain what is going on inside of me. It's way too polite. I want to be truthful with you Sir. Deep down inside of me is a need, no, a craving to be used by a man in any way that he could possibly want to use me. I have no desire to be anyone's personal masochistic victim. I get so turned on when I think about doing depraved or unusual sexual acts or scenarios that I would never consider doing myself. I want to go crazy wild but I want to be safe at the same time. I need a situation where a man will tell me to do all of these things that I am afraid to do on my own. Things that I can't or haven't been able to do on my own. Won't do on my own is probably the best description. I consider myself a very liberal minded and liberated woman. I love someone looking at my naked body and it thrills me to know that I am desirable and sexy enough to be looked at with lust and other nasty perverted thoughts.

I love being fucked in any hole and I love sucking cock. I dream constantly about being ordered or commanded to do something sexually perverted that I have never done in my life. In my dreams, it's always about the thrills and the arousal that I receive from doing these sexual scenarios. The dreams are rarely about the pleasure the one giving the orders is experiencing. They are mostly about the pleasure I am receiving and the attention I am getting in the process.

When I first felt confident enough to reveal to Reina some of these desires that I have and have never be able to experience, I was so scared I almost pissed in my pants, right there in the restaurant. I have never told anybody anything about me. Not my former husband and not any of the boyfriends and short lived relationships that I have had over the years since my marriage fell apart. When Reina told me about you and told me that she had been your slave for a few years, I thought God had come down to earth and blessed me with a divine miracle. I looked at her, and she does look absolutely fabulous, and I thought that the answer to my prayers was sitting right there in front of me. If she could look this good and be this happy and so obviously confident in herself from being a slave, then this is what I needed too. She certainly didn't show any visible signs of being abused or used in any harmful way at all. I wanted to be just like her and I became so seriously jealous that I could hardly control myself. She was experiencing what I had been dreaming about and craving most of my life, but had been completely denied. Probably much more accurate to say that I had been the one to deny myself.

When we first made contact on the phone, you immediately began telling me to do things and I did them for you. I have never masturbated while someone listened to the sounds of my passion, my arousal and my orgasm. And you were someone whom I had never met which made it even more arousing and exciting. When you began telling me about some of the rules I would have to obey and live by I was ecstatic and turned on beyond what I thought possible because I knew that I could actually follow them. I would follow them. Mainly because I was there and you were here. If you had told me to make like a fountain and stand on my head and piss, I would have gladly done so because I could do that and you had told me to do it. Therefore, it was OK to do and, if you wanted a film of me doing it, all that much more of a turn on because I was there and you were here.

And the orgasms I began having were monumental. I had no idea that a woman was capable of having orgasms that powerful. Some were so overwhelming, both physically and emotionally, that I couldn't even move for several minutes. You had me fingering my pussy without cuming and then only allowing me to cum while you listened to all the passion flowing throughout my body. It was dirty. It was nasty. It was perverted. No woman in her right mind would allow a perfect stranger do that to her. And I just became more and more excited because of that. I wanted more. The craving and the need was beginning to come out of hiding.

When you told me to go to a private place outdoors somewhere and get naked, I nearly creamed my panties thinking about doing that. The walks at night out to my car with my tits exposed, or my pussy and ass exposed, or totally naked without any way of covering myself if some situation came about that wasn't expected or anticipated, set fire to my body sexually, physically, and emotionally. I was scared shitless and so turned on at the same time that it was often difficult to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. At one point, I didn't give a damn if the entire apartment complex had suddenly appeared and were watching me complete my bare assed naked assignments given to me by you Sir. When I was standing by the car and masturbating myself to an orgasm, I was picturing several of my neighbors standing there watching me finger fucking my shaved pussy with one hand and frigging my clit with the other. I even yelled out when I came that time. I knew nobody had heard it at 3 a.m. in the morning but I surprised myself in hoping that somebody actually had heard me and was at their window trying to figure out what that strange noise was that had woken them up in the middle of the night.

I have always been an exhibitionist at heart and now I was actually being one and adding in some very personal sexual activities at the same time. And again, I was there and you were here. And, from that very first moment we had talked on the phone, my pussy had been nothing but soaking wet.

But, Sir, it's not the exhibitionist part of me that I have been so confused or unsure about or afraid of for all these years. It's the part of me that wants to be totally controlled. It's the part of me that so desperately craves to be owned and used in any way, manner, or form and having the ability to choose my direction totally taken away from me. No longer having the ability to choose or make a choice of any kind of my own free will. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. My brain cells aren't attached on the wrong ends. I don't get up in the morning and say to myself, 'Gosh, I sure do want to be humiliated and embarrassed today. And, even more than that, wouldn't it be wonderful if someone would whip my pussy and tits all day long and put alligator clamps on my clit while fucking me in the ass!'

The three days of conversations we had on the phone and the activities I performed because you told me to perform them, were absolutely fantastic for me. That was the first time in my life that I have ever felt the trust and confidence in anybody that I felt from you and in you almost instantly during the first phone call. The 'petrified with fear' part of me that hung up after the first ring of the first call was the person I have been most of my life. In the few seconds it took to redial your number, my whole life of distrust and disappointment flashed through my mind. Realizing that I was probably about to throw away the last opportunity I would ever get in this life, the image of Reina again came into focus and I knew instantly that I wanted exactly what she had and that you were the only way left for me to find it and make it a reality. So, I called again, and this time waited for you to answer, and here I am.......

You and Reina have both given me a way out many times over. You have never relented in keeping the knowledge that I can quit or leave at any time in the forefront of my thoughts. When Reina left me at the edge of the property, totally naked, and told me that I was going to have to walk bare assed to the house, knock on the front door, and wait for someone I have never met to open the door and ask me in, I still hadn't fully understood the meaning of what I was about to do. I'm not all that sure that I even understand now why I had done any of this.

Meeting you was a thrill. I was so sexually hyper that I would have cum instantly if you had reached out the door and just barely touched my clit with a fingertip. I was the center of attention and I was loving it. Masturbating for you was not a problem because I was again the center of attention. All of that was turning me on in ways I had never dreamed of nor ever thought possible. The turn on was much more powerful then the humiliation and the embarrassment I was experiencing at the same time. I didn't care that you were telling me to do things to myself while you watched. I just wanted more of it and to never have the excitement come to an end. You took pictures and videos of me bringing myself to an orgasm. Thrills and more thrills. I was the center of attention. Everything seemed to be focused on my sexual excitement. I was the SUBJECT.

And then, I suddenly became the OBJECT. You posed me again in a different position that exposed both my pussy and my ass hole and the two of you were talking about me as if my only value was having tits, a cunt, and a tight anus. I was the entertainment instead of the one being entertained. I was being used instead of being sexually thrilled. That was the moment my little fantasy world of lust and sexual arousal and having orgasms fell apart.

I don't know exactly how to explain it Sir. I guess you can say that reality set in for the first time. And boy did it set in hard. It was no longer a game of thrills and getting off. The total freedom I felt wandering around in the woods by myself the other day, and the danger of being seen that kept my pussy soaked and dripping and my clit standing up until it began to ache was such a powerful feeling of self confidence and self assurance and freedom that I never wanted it to end. Those feelings flashed past my eyes and the fact that I was bent over on a table, completely naked, and putting my pussy and ass on display for two people who were going to closely watch and video tape me masturbating myself to an orgasm, just because I had been told to do so, brought my new fantasy world down with a big crash. I had to get up and leave no matter what you said or thought at that moment. I needed to be by myself and possibly try to figure out what it was I was doing, why I was here in the first place, where the hell was I going with all of this, and where the hell all of this was going with me.

And that's where I am right now Sir. I feel as if I am just a nothing. Just an object. Submission, slave, obedience, commitment, humiliation, and pain are now all mixed up together in one big bowl of soup. Trust is all that is holding me here right at this moment. I trust Reina as my best of friends and I trust you on instinct that is a result of what I see in Reina that is there because of you.

Right at this moment, I'm pretty much confused and lost Sir. And the fear is overwhelming my senses. You have opened the door to the mysteries of my life just a crack and I'm not sure if I want it opened any further. I don't know if I have the courage and the determination to really discover and then experience what is actually behind that door. Can the two of you help me through this?"

"Do you want to continue your search? Do you really, deeply, and desperately want to continue with what you have started by coming here? Do you need to explore all of those questions that you have been asking yourself for so many years? Do you need to find out who you really are?"

"Yes Sir, I do, because I have missed out on so much over the years but there is a voice in my head that is saying 'don't do this' over and over. This is going to take more faith and trust then I ever thought possible. How can I possibly turn so much of my life over to you when I don't even know you?

"I can't make you trust me under any circumstances. That is something you must learn on your own and that also depends on how much you trust yourself. You are correct in saying that you don't know me and that I could just as well be a sadistic mutilator who takes joy from torturing women as I could be a Master who can facilitate your finding the answers for which you seem determined to find. You have run into your first wall and you are probably seeing it as being much bigger than it is in reality. But, it is still a wall that is stopping you from moving forward so the size doesn't really matter at all. The size of the wall is measured by the determination you have to get past it.

You have told me over and again that you want to explore your submissive desires. I have told you over and again that you can do this on weekends for fun and games or you can live it every day, if that is what you are really seeking and truly desire. Reina lives it every day of her life but she also lives her own life. I don't take in weekend slaves. I should say I haven't taken in any weekend slaves. There is a very large lack of determination and commitment with part timers. They are only looking for excitement and new adventures that come to an end when they go to work Monday morning.

I can teach you submission but you must have it inside of you to begin with. It's not something you suddenly discover out of the clear blue. It's something that has always been there and something you have always known was there. To do this, I must remove you from who you are now and replace you with whom you want to become. The only way to do this is to force you to confront your fears and learn how to get past them successfully. I'm only going to give you a direction. You are the one who will suffer all of the emotional, sexual, and physical confusion and turmoil that comes with every step you will take in that direction. Do you not want to realize your potential sexuality and experience the fantasies you have carried with you all of these years?"

"Yes Sir, I do so much that it is eating me up inside."

"Nothing of value comes easy Little One. I'm going to ask you now to decide one thing, which happens to be the most important decision you will ever have to make while you are here. What are you willing to do to get over this wall?"

The tears had been running down her cheeks for several minutes now. She kept wiping at them over and over again with the backs of her hands and her finger tips. Her eyes were all red and she wasn't even sitting up straight anymore. She looked like a wet Persian cat. She sat there with her eyes closed and unresponsive for a few minutes. I wasn't going to interrupt her thoughts. She suddenly took a very deep breath, one that pushed her breasts outward under the blouse, and I could see her nipples clearly trying to poke through the cloth.

"What do you want me to do Sir?"

"I want you to take responsibility for your actions and then follow through on them with 100 percent determination and commitment. You're a big girl now and have been for some time. Make up your mind as to what you want to do and stop wasting both of our time. I'm not going to decide for you. You came to me and asked for help. When you were the center of attention, you were in a make believe fantasy world. In the few minutes that you were actually used as a sex object and a submissive, which is what you claim you want in the first place, you suddenly ran away from yourself. Make up your mind. I'm going to have a sandwich. Reina....go and make us a couple of meatloaf sandwiches please. When I'm finished eating, you are to be standing on your slave table, without these clothes you've borrowed, in the #1 position, and ready to finish your last day before we decide what to do with you. Be ready to accept being used, abused, punished, fucked, and otherwise treated as a useless submissive slave trying to prove that she may have some potential hiding somewhere behind those tits, cunt and ass. Or, you had better be gone. You can keep the clothes and meet Reina back at the edge of the property and she will give you a ride home."