Erasing The Memories Ch. 01

He was reading the Sunday paper and read about a new drug that could erase bad memories from your mind. Suppose, he thought, as he had seen in a recent Jim Carey movie, your brain could be wiped clean of sad and traumatic thoughts. According to the article, "Each time you retrieve a memory it must be restored, and when you activate a memory in the presence of this new drug it prevents the restorage of the memory, and the next day the memory is not as accessible". Boy, the man thought, "I need to purchase and take this drug because, there are some memories of her that I wish I could forget because they're too painful." With that in mind, he took a shower, after which he drove to the pharmacy and purchased the drug, and returned to his home. He went into his kitchen, opened one of his cabinets and took out a glass, then walked over to and opened the refrigerator. He then removed a diet peach Snapple, closed the door, walked over and sat down on one of the kitchen table chairs. For several minutes he stared at the package containing this new drug before he decided to break open the child protective seal; as he was doing this, his mind begin to wonder...

Every time they said good bye, he died a little. Every time she called to rekindle the flame, he ran to her; knowing that he was playing with fire; always wishing that this time it would be different. Why, he often wondered are the gods so cruel to me; why have they given my heart to somebody who doesn't protect it and cherish it as I do hers. And yet, he continued to run.

And yet, each time, whenever she needed some comfort, she would return; saying and doing the things that she knew would give him the glimmer of hope that this was finally their time. Each and every time, it always ended the same. It wasn't that she was a bad person; for when they were together and she could relax and just be herself, there was always such a joy and happiness in her eyes; He brought out the beauty in her soul or so he liked to believe. Maybe he was just fooling himself; maybe she was like this with everybody....No, he couldn't and didn't want to believe that; they were special. She really cared about him. He refused to acknowledge that during their 20 year relationship, everything she'd had ever done has been for her and her alone. Clearly, her telling him of her plans to come to New York was just the last in a long string of actions that proved the most important person in her life was herself.

Each time she had hurt him, possibly worse than anything and/or anybody could. Would she ever cringe inside when she thought of all the other times he was there for her and she would always reject him if he required and/or asked for a sign that she was moving forward and toward their finally being together.

As weeks passed, after coming to realize that she didn't have a clue and/or seemingly didn't care as to how he was being affected, and after attempting to confront her with it honestly without any positive signs of reinforcement, he withdrew from her. He was hurt – deeply. He wanted her to want him...to spend the time with him that she had always said that she wanted...to get to know one another again...to share with each other without distractions. Hell, who was he kidding? He wanted her to prove to him that she really loved and wanted him; just this one time, for all the other times that she couldn't and/or didn't.

And yet, it was always him that had to once again, prove himself to her. Just how many hoops did she want him to jump through to prove himself to her again? Good lord, he thought, just how much more could I have given to prove myself and/or would it have even mattered?

If he could have been charged with anything, maybe he would have been charged with pushing her away to protect his heart, for he loved her hopelessly and unconditionally, and now has to live with the fact that she didn't feel the same and thus, couldn't understand the emotions she caused in his soul. And although she might claim that it was he who let her go, the truth of the matter was, that she was never his to lose. That was the problem; she was never his.

In the weeks that ensued after that dreadful black Tuesday, so as to get through each day, he had to keep telling himself that " She never felt that I was ever good enough to respect; I was always plan "B". Not once did she ever, I mean, ever put it all out there on the line for me". These words echoed in his head as a constant reminder, and were a fitting tribute to the pain that tore apart his heart and ripped into his soul. She was never really his. She could have been, but she never wanted to be. Naturally, in thinking about its end, he was reminded of their beginning.

It had been so good, so simple and sweet at first. A boy and a girl, young and in love; they met in Law School. For him, it was love at first sight. He'd been unable to resist her tender smile, the sparkle of joy in her eyes, the wonder of her smile; "that smile". Even though they started of as study buddies and she was engaged, he had showered her with all the love he had swelling inside of him. Sometimes it had seem too much, too hot, too intense. It had scared him, how she'd become his life, his entire world. Her pain affected him more than his own; her joys had made him giddy. Prior to meeting her, he thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control. Now he no longer had self control; he was in love. He knew what Tom Cruise felt when he starting jumping and ranting like a mad man on Oprah's couch; it was love.

When they had first met, he'd been strong, he'd been the man his mother before she died, had said and hoped he would be. He worked, full time, while going to law school; going to work each and every day after day classes, always taking 2 subways and a bus to get back to the school before and after work so they could study together; after which, he had to endure a second reverse commute back to his co-op late each evening. He came home tired, and beat down but was always up and eager to see his "it" the next day

Despite this, and all of her promises that she loved him; Words of love and need, of wanting and desiring him more than she'd wanted to breathe; it never happened for them. His dreams, how simple they had been. He'd wanted to grow old with her, nothing fancy. He didn't need a swimming pool or tennis courts, whirlpool tubs with their pulsing jets, or ten bedrooms. A small house with a garden and a swing set out back for the kids to play on. Maybe roses along a path with a swing where they could sit in the summer and enjoy the evening together(Of course, now that he has money, the house part has changed). She wanted security; she wanted answers to the future; "how do I know she often asked?" Answers that he knew in his heart; answers that he told her; answers that she was unwilling to accept. If only she could have been inside his heart for just one second, he always thought, she'd never questioned my intentions; she would know.

But she couldn't accept his answers and/or believed in him and/or them, and she married another, and despite this; always kept coming back into his life. He thought this was because deep down she truly loved him, but circumstances kept them apart. So he always opened his heart to her and complied with everything she asked, with the lone exception, he could not father a child with her while they were both married to another; it wasn't that he didn't often dreamed of it and wondered what if.

Every time, she called him back during her marriage, he was there. Finally, it was supposed to be their time; but she kept putting conditions and terms on letting it happen. She wasn't completely honest and she chased him away. Her setting conditions and terms, along with her actions made him feel that she never really loved him. Could it possibly hurt worse? After 20 years of hope he came to realize the emptiness, the loneliness that was now his destiny. The most telling thing was that in the past, whenever there was a long and protracted separation, she often claimed that the reason why she didn't call was because she was married and inasmuch as she couldn't be with him, she didn't think it was fair to him to ask him to wait for her, and yet, now that she was free, and had nothing from keeping her from making that call or being with him; she never did. Even it they weren't going to end up together, he deserved that call; he earned it. Apparently, as he has often told himself since his October telephone call/talk with her, her friendship with him was very conditional; which hurt the man, for he always liked her and wanted to believe in her. He believed they were FRIENDS.

Since that October day when he said he couldn't do it anymore after they had argument on the telephone(which was all about her showing him some sort of sign that she wanted their relationship to go forward; which she was unwilling to do), he has often asked himself if she has ever stopped and thought about not only of all the times he had been there, but of the way he'd got on a plane after 8 months of her not calling/returning his calls until he stopped calling, flew to her, held and hugged her in his arms, and told her that this, right now, this time and place, was where he was supposed to be when her husband had died. And he meant it. For even now, even after how badly it ended, that was where he was supposed to be. Knowing what he now knows, feeling what he feels now, with all the hurt that he has ensured afterwards, he still wouldn't have changed anything; being there with her after her husband died was where he was supposed to be. And to answer her question, "of how do I know?", It's simple, because he was there and he knows; and for him, that's good enough. It's like that proverbial question of how do we know that god exits if we can't see him? If you believe, that's good enough; if you don't, you'll never have enough proof. Everything he has ever said to her has always been the truth, whether she had faith in him and/or believed him; only she can answer as to why and/or why not.

Now, with the New Year and as time passed, he wonders will she ever feel a small surge of wanting and needing to call him to fix things; and will and/or would she call him? Would she ever make that supreme and needed first jesture? And if it wasn't too late; could she find her way back to him in a year or even sooner? It all depends upon a lot of "ifs". Does she want to, or is it as he had come to realize, that he was just "something is better than nothing", and as she so gleefully delighted in informing him, she had already found a new "something" or maybe this new something was already and always her "lt", and she just couldn't and didn't see any reason to say anything that might stop him from finally letting go and no longer pursuing her; it's always good to keep her options open.

Who knows what will happen in their time apart. You loose touch with each other. You have no idea what the other is experiencing, thinking, feeling. In time, it becomes too much and you drift apart. Would she wait that year, would she get on a plane and try to find him? Would she not even wait for the year and just go and find him? And if she found him, what would she say and would he even care, had the last events closed the window to his soul? Would she say "To hell with my pride, and my fear, "I don't even care about the fears of rejection or the uncertainty of the future. I can't live without you." "I'll do whatever I need to do not to lose you..."

Chances, she wouldn't and he needed to get these types of thoughts out of his head and come to grips with reality, he was just a "something was better than nothing", and she had long ago moved on with her life and it was time so did he. Wasn't he just being delusional? Hadn't she said everything that needed to be said when she called and told him about her trip to New York? Hadn't she said everything that he needed to hear when she delighted in telling him that she gave her dog which she promised to his daughter to somebody else? Wasn't she telling him?

And yet he thought, that this connection that they always had was real, it was special, worth preserving and wasn't going away; it was still there when they last spoke; or was he again, fooling himself? A relationship built on trust, hope, belief, love and overcoming difficulties together, however, was now left shredded. It was her turn to try to repair it; but could she, would she?

One of the saddest things is that there's so much more he wanted to say but had no way of getting through it without becoming accusatory and/or argumentative. Accusations or resentment. It hurt him not being able to speak to her and he wanted to believe it hurt her too. He thought that if they could find the right space and time and put all this crap behind them it would be a different world. Who knows if they could ever do that? Only time will tell he thought. Given more time maybe they'll reach the point that they'll be able to find each other and become friends again; he misses her; especially with all the things going on in his life and knowing that this should have been their time to share it. For now he would like to believe that they still have some belief in each other and hope, collectively and individually that they still will be part of each others future someday. For no matter how and/or where they'll wind up, he has no idea how to address it emotionally. Maybe, he thinks on some level, writing it down is the only and best way he can manage right now.

Emotionally he feels dead, he's almost ready to close this door and stay dead in that way. Not wanting or caring to face what might be inside his head, not needing to. Excusing himself from the need to face emotions to understand them and to accept the reality that she really doesn't and/or never loved him; that he was just "something is better that nothing". Once again, he keeps telling himself that he has to realistically and truthfully ask himself, is he being foolish? Is she going to take the steps to make things right; are we ever going to be ok and/or friends again? Or is she going to do something really insane and get married to the next guy who is nice to her? Has she already given her heart to somebody new and/or was that always the case and he didn't know it? Or is it that she needs time and if she does do what it will take to make it right, he will have what his injured heart needs so that they can truly move forward and so as to be together for the rest of their lives. Or is she just plain mean and evil, in which case it was another blessing that he had a daughter, for had he not, there is no question that he would have sold his practice and have moved/gone to her( Once again it's that belief/faith without having proof thing...but he knows it's true).

Maybe she'll do it, maybe she won't. Maybe she really wants to be part of his life and grow old with him; maybe it was just her need to have something familiar and/or safe until she could find somebody she really liked. The recovery process is a long one and maybe an impossible one. Some things He has to be honest about and that makes it easier this time to stay apart and not call her.

What does that make him for still caring? A coward, a wimp, less than a man? He doesn't know what it makes him, but he knows he is hurting and has to get better for himself first. She has to make that supreme jesture to give him his muscularity and pride back. He doesn't want to judge or condition himself to loathe her. He doesn't want to resent or be resented; He just wants to recover, be who he was before all this crap happened.

Although he doesn't realize it right now, no matter how it turns out, he was going to have his life back. And just for the record, for him, it was always real and he would have given her a castle in the sky.

Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone, which was in his coat pocket that was lying on one of the other kitchen chairs. As he got up from his chair to walk over to get his phone, he pushed through the protective plastic covering of the pills, extracted one pill and as he was about to place it into his month, he pulled his phone out of his coat pocket and, according to caller ID, it was her. Should he answer it?