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Okay, okay. Deep breaths. Deadline's coming, but still some time.
Let's go crazy, just throw stuff and see what sticks. Clear my head.
* * * *
"Fucking with the Armada"
Upon the table lay three items: a handkerchief, a book, and a knife.
Adnilem, priestess of Cthulhu, stared at her compatriots across the table.
N'nylf from the tribe of Lorre stared back at her from blind eyes. He'd lost them in a battle in the Shadow Realm against L'rick, a pale master of dark magic bent on releasing chaos on the world. N'nylf had won, at great cost.
Lastyrc of Shampaine met Adnilem's gaze, and she saw the heat there. She might indulge him later, but for now ignored him. There was business to attend to.
"We must stop the invaders," Adnilem said.
"Or help them along," N'nylf said in a hollow voice.
"I don’t care, so long as we get to the fucking," said Lastyrc with a grin.
"Do you think of nothing else?" Adnilem sighed.
"Other things, but this is my favorite." He reached over and slid a hand between her legs. "It's yours too, isn't it?"
"It doesn't matter," she snapped, and used her magic to relocate his hand to his shoulder. He glared and put it back in its proper place.
"Children," chided N'nylf.
"Well, you can fuck her first," Lastyrc offered grandly. "I'm happy to share."
"After we stop the invaders," Adnilem snarled.
"Fine. Any ideas?" asked Lastyrc. He idly rubbed a hand over his crotch. "Because I have some."
"Fucking," said N'nylf.
"Hell, yes!" Lastyrc sat up and grinned, smacked his free hand on the table. "That's what I'm talking about!"
"Emfrizz on a dostak camel!" shouted Adnilem. "Will the two of you please stay on point!"
"I think N'nylf's idea is that you'll be on point," Lastyrc said slyly. "Maybe on two points."
"How will the two of you stuffing your tiny poshas in me help stop the invaders?" she demanded.
"Calm down, Adnilem, calm down," said N'nylf. "You know that fucking brings forth powerful energies, and in you most of all. Last time you had a climax, three stars went supernova. If we focus that energy, you could take out the entire invading armada."
"You just want to fuck me," Adnilem said, disgusted.
"Yeah, but hey, if it saves the galaxy, why not?" Lastyrc threw his head back and roared his release. "Okay, I'm ready," he said after a moment. "I'll last a lot longer now."
"Three minutes is not that much more than two," Adnilem snapped.
"Adnilem, please, we are running out of time." N'nylf stood and with quick hands, began disrobing. "Strip."
"I will not! I will—oh!" Adnilem gaped as the Lorre's golden robe dropped to the floor. She'd never imagined what his body might look like, but now she knew. It was robust, defined, and boasted the longest, thickest posha she'd ever seen.
She glanced at Lastyrc, who was gaping as well. With a grin, she licked her lips and her hands moved to her own clothes.
"Very well, N'nylf, we'll do this and
* * * *
FUCK!!!! AUGH! I can't stand it and I'm running out of time!
Fuck it.
* * * *
"The Handkerchief, the Book and the Knife"
Upon the table lay three items: a handkerchief, a book, and a knife.
They lived happily ever after.
The End
- COMMENTS
sheabluealmost 10 years agoI loved this. Funny and creative and beneath the humor, really well written. By the end the names had me laughing out loud. I've experienced a bit of this more than once in my life. Hilarious.
jomaralmost 10 years agoMy eyes started to glaze over and then you did the switcheroo...good! Though after a few reboots I found myself skimming a bit. Humorous and a good ending!
drteethoalmost 10 years agoLike being at a really excellent and expensive buffet, where you don't know where to start, writing can present so many options, but who knows which one to take? You expressed this in a very irreverent and cheeky manner.
SecondCirclealmost 10 years agoI can't exactly say I loved this story. Is it a story? Stories? I'm kinda reeling right now.
And that's a good thing.
I saw a LOT here. More than just comedy (which was well done and gave me some needed relief today). You started like what, five stories? Yes they were almost done in jest, but here's the thing: Even past the comical sort of satire it was, you covered a multitude of different categories and writing styles that all rang true to each of their niches. You were able to change your voice from fantasy to sci fi, to mystery, to flat out satire and back again. So yes I saw how funny it all was... but I saw you too. To be able to bounce back and forth and speak to the reader in those "languages" is a testament to your skill and versatility with the written word.
Yeah I saw comedy too. This story caught me off guard because the writing started off so tight and believable. I did wonder where it was going and then came the author's little monologue. Very clever. Very relatable too. I know you couldn't have been the only one headbutting their computer and chugging wine trying to find direction for a story. You illustrated perfectly a writer's daily struggles. Wierd ass names just for the sake of wierd ass names. Storylines that head in one direction to slam into a wall. Crazy outlandish forced sex scenes where it seems ridiculous to have them (crime scene? Hee, hee). The utter absurdity hit its mark.
And I think you've achieved what you were aiming for (at least for me you did.) You took the contest, the opening line, the process and the struggle to make it work and you made a story from that. This isnt a story about characters. It's your story. It's all of our story. I don't think this could work more than once, but it worked here very well. I'd high five you if we weren't separated by this screen... and if I knew who you were... or... whatever you get it.
That's not to say it wasn't without fault. For me, its success was too a shortcoming. As a jumbled collection, it works as a whole and entertained well, but a few times here I glimpsed your talent, and I wanted one of those segments to take off. I kinda craved to see you weave a sex scene, or to build me some sci fi characters. So... yes in an odd way I was a bit disappointed. Or maybe it just wasn't what I was expecting.
Nevertheless, this story was very cool. Funny, creative, clever, relatable, and a breath of fresh hair in a swarm of other stories. Not only did you show us where the opening line took you, you showed us EVERYWHERE the line took you. Great job and good luck.
