All Comments on 'Flight of the Raven Pt. 02'

Darn you and your cliff hangers

Although I am loving the story, I only like ones that can grab my attention and this is one of those rare ones. But that brings me to the parts that break that attention, like the switching of names of the person having sex with Sophie, the random grammatical errors and the whole double negative thing "couldn't not". So because of those i shall give you a 4 star, get an editor mate if you don't already have one, and if you do, get a better one.

For publishing the next part. We all want to know what is that damn letter. And I agree with the previous commenter. Please get an editor.

Good story, I don't think my brain can handle waiting as long for the next part, very interesting story really want more. And also don't take the comment about the editor to hardly, there's a reason that authors have other people read their stuff to check for errors and consistency. I write a lot of papers and no matter how hard you read something to check for mistakes your going to miss something, its just how it works, so I do recommend finding someone who can edit your stuff.

That being said, I want more of this story damnit >.

At the end of the first chapter, I was kind of afraid the story would only last the length of the eclipse. I'm extremely glad it didn't. Also, your writing has improved from chapter one (or maybe I just liked chapter 2 a lot more?)

Okay, anyways, here is some feedback if you want it (if not, just skip the following):

Well like the posters before me said, there are some slight grammar mistakes, but frankly they didn't really bother me that much (still fixable though). Also, I would advise you using italics, bold, apostrophes, or something different for the "mental speech" from the "green-eyed being" to Luke to make it stand out from normal conversation.

Lastly, there are some relatively "unbelievable" scenes (yes, I'm aware of the irony in saying that for a sci-fi story)

For example:

"So I did the only thing I could do in the situation -- I stuck my arm down its throat. I didn't exactly expect to get the Nobel Prize for brilliant ideas award, but I was under a lot of pressure."

Although this was a catalyst for the power use, it doesn't make (in-plot) sense why Luke would stick his hand down the hellhound's throat. Maybe having Luke punch the hellhound down the throat instead? Also, I would advise you to not use such a long adjective chain for the (Nobel Prize for brilliant ideas) award because it tends to disrupt the reader's focus on the story.

A possible rewrite:

"So I did the only thing I could do in the situation -- I rammed my fist down* its throat. Okay, maybe I wouldn't be winning any Nobel Prizes for my no-so brilliant idea, but hey, I was under a lot of pressure.

*maybe italicize the "down"

keep them coming. The story is so pacey and action filled. Not being one for complete perfection in my own efforts I would ask also that the next chapter is not too far away. Accept the advice/comments from others if you must about an editor but not at the expense of time. These are great story telling as they stand. Thanks D

Between the great fighting character development and incredible story line im checking lit every day waiting on the next post. Keep'em coming

Hey guys and gals :)

I'm glad you enjoyed part 2 ^^ I'm feverishly writing away on the next part and will post an update when I'm about 2/3 of the way through and can make an educated guess as to the time-frame.

Anon - Thanks for the feedback! I've never even attempted to write an erotic scene in my entire life. Ever, so any feedback from anyone about that scene is greatly appreciated. Also, a 4-way was maybe not the easiest scene to debut with xD.

Occulus - Sorry to burst your bubble matey, but it hasn't yet been 24 hours after the eclipse so who knows.... Although, perhaps the story will go on for more than 24 hours after all. You'll just have to wait and see :P

Yes I always want and read the feedback! Thank you :) I agree with you with italics and stuff, I had originally used them for the 'mental speech' parts but they seem to have reverted when I changed the format to submit to Lit. I'll have to check that next time :)

Right, the hand down the throat of a huge dog bit. This might be hard to explain (Because I suck at explanations) but I'll give it a go. Luke, in that situation, really isn't thinking clearly (if at all) and so i wanted to convey his complete lack of logical processing by doing something that would seem to the reader as a little insane. I mean sure in that position you might punch or kick the thing, but stick your arm down its throat? who in their right mind would do that... But that's just the thing. He's not in his right mind, he thinks he's about to die and he doesn't even think about what he's doing, he just does something. Anything. I don't know if this makes any sense at all :/ Maybe imagine a guy who suffers from severe arachnophobia and come face to face with a huge spider (I'm imagining the one from Harry Potter if that helps at all xD) if he was pinned down by that spider, the smart thing to do would probably be to lash out and try to make a break for it. We as the reader can all see that, but he can't. He just wants the spider away from him but he's not thinking about the logical way to do it, so instead he does something that might seem a little insane to us: like close his eyes and stick his arms out. We all know how retarded that it, but he might not in that situation. I dunno if this makes any sense at all :/ Anyway thanks for the feedback :) I'm not annoyed with you or anything! I hope it doesn't sound like i am :(

Daflinger + Aswordinthemist - Thanks guys, glad you both enjoyed it :)

A few general things: If anyone could point out any major grammatical mistakes that would be really appreciated. but you don't have to if you don't want to! Maybe send them to me in a PM so we don't clutter up the comments with really foolish errors showing how I can't write for toffee! xD

Editor - I'd like an editor, I really would :( Unfortunately my search for an editor didn't go great when I looked for one the first time - Long story short, three of them didn't ever get back to me and one polite-fully declined. Anyway this would have been fine except by the time the fourth one got back to me (I'd contacted them one after the other not at the same time) I'd finished Pt 1 and half of Pt 2 so I just couldn't be arsed to wait anymore. I posted the first one and spent so much of my free time finishing the 2nd that I kind of forgot to look for an editor again! xD That said, I now have a lot to write for Pt 3 and I can't just blitz it like i did this one, so I'll try and find an editor again. Anyone who could help with this it would be much appreciated, just send me a PM or post on here, whatever you prefer :)

Anyway thanks to everyone for reading this story, it's really heartwarming :)

Demonnox

If this doesn't make the top ten I dont know what will

You know, like " Luke, I am your father" ??

PS awesome story...

Awesome story! The action was riveting, but the way Sophie killed the guy while they were fucking was a bit confusing. Maybe it was supposed to be that way, but the perspective shift when the guy was climaxing to the others was a bit sudden. Still this story sounds epic and it's only at 2 chapters lol.

It's not the BEST story I've ever read, but it fits into my top 15. (And I don't read the generic crap on this site -- I read the good stuff.)

kinda scared when the intro said group sex but found the scene not so bad. Love the length too.More grease to your elbows!!!!

Ok so first off, this is probably one of my favorite stories on the site. It's right up there with Path of the Necromancer. I just wanted to offer some constructive criticism.

I found Cathy's character to be a little too much at times. I understand that shes scared and that Luke my die and then they would all be screwed, but the number of times that she said stuff like, "you better come back to me safe or i'm gonna hurt you," really got to be cringe worthy for me. I'm not saying that's a direct quote, but I'm referencing those sort of statements. I feel that you are a talented enough writer that you can portray her feelings and still ease up on the volume of those types of comments.

outstanding give me more i try to read the good stuff only and there is so few to choose from. again great stuff keep it coming. also let cathy and the tone get inyo the action more. can hardly wait for next installment. like a kid needing his comic fix!

The quality of the writing is solid and the pacing and world building are quite good. If I had bought an ebook online and was reading this I would not be unhappy to have paid for it. Take your time so that it comes out right.

-Ben

Anon1 - Thanks, but I think I have a lot of work to do to ever get this into the top ten ^^ (I'll try though!)

Anon2 - I don't think I'd ever stoop THAT low to include such an obvious famous quote xD

Anon3 - Thank, I'll have another look at that scene, see if I can rewrite it slightly as I agree with you that it's a bit jolting.

cittran - You read the good stuff? You read my stuff... Huehuehue victory is mine!

lucianlover - Sorry for scaring you! But I wanted to make sure people knew what they were getting into. Well, you may love the length but I sure don't :P 27,000 word submissions take so longggg :(

Anon4 - Wow, thanks man, I absolutely love that story ^^. I was wondering when someone would comment on this, as I had the same thoughts you had. Cathy is over the top, she was alright the first few times as she was basically hero worshiping Luke, but its getting ridiculous. I fell into a rut whenever I wrote about her and I didn't manage to get out of it. Will fix this next submission, hopefully in a way that won't be too noticeable (Hopefully).

Anon5 - I know what that feels like! Unfortunately, like almost all Literotica authors I don't do this full time :( as much as I wish I could. I have a crappy 9 till 5 and am currently letting my brother and his girlfriend live with me, (they are basically gypsies). Because of this writing has been slow :( pisses me off, but when they leave on the 14th of February I'll be able to pick up the pace again.

Ben - Thanks man :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD5k2QI4tjc

The 5v1 psychic scene could have been better (vague and corny), and there's a few grammar/spelling errors (get a beta).

Otherwise, just keep doing what you're doing.

Thanks for the read.

Amazing stuff dude..im actually feeling slightly depressed right now that the entire story isnt here....whatever you do just dont let luke lose his sarcasm and humor ok? And please write fsster and dnt make us wait.

Another question,, with all the hell thing going on is it possible that luke is short for lucifer?? Gives you something to think abt right?

My favorite character in this story is Sophie. I hope you don't kill her off. It would really make my day if you would include an incest scene of her and the main character somewhere down the road. :)

More please!!!

I would've preferred the rape scene with Sophie without the mind control element. In my opinion, it would have been better if Sophie was either awake during rape while resisting to the end or just fully unconscious throughout the ordeal. The mind control theme made the rape scene into more of an orgy that delivered less of an impact that a normal gang-rape would.

Where's the next chapter already im waiting impatiently......

can we hope for it?

When is the next one coming?

Good series but as soon as the mom got raped then begged for it I hated chapter 2. I just hate shit like that

I absolutely love this story, I am so sad you have not returned to continue it yet...

Hope you can give an update soon!

Good story, please update soon. Should you need an editor I'll be more than pleased to assist.

Well get the fuck over it. This has been an amasing ride. Don't ruin it by not finishing it.

Hey, anon, did you even read his Bio update?

In case you can't read between the lines, he tried to commit suicide. Severe depression.

You know, living hell?

Yeah, give him a break.

Looking forward to an update

I love this story. The plot line is great. I hope you update soon. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you get better soon. You have my deepest sympathies. I hope you live a long and fulfilled life.

-Straz

Great chapter man thanks for writing :)

Hey little buddy, did you fall off the face of the earth??IF you can, please finish the story..

AT LEAST COME BACK AND TELL US WHAT'S IN THE LETTER!

It is sad that you stopped writing, but I loved the story and wished I could have read it till the ending.

Please continue.

Damn, started 2o13, NOT FINISHED

Shame there's no more to this story.

Demonnox, if you still read these comments - please finish this story, it's so fucking good.