Forever Alone's Guide

I made a mistake by not "ignoring" but just straight out being mad at Shannon for being, how should I but it "one that can't keep legs shut". If ignoring her made her interested, my morals and emotions kept me from actually banging her. I just ended up ignoring her for real and then wondering why she isn't sucking my dick like she did to Freddy.

13) Know your worth. Sometimes it's better to walk away and look somewhere else then settling for a clearly loosing situation. Use with entry 16 to keep a nice balance of morals vs. hormones. This debatable between men, as some will sell out their own kind just for a chance of sweet pussy, while others will stand strong by their morals and standards awaiting their maiden in the sea of whores.

Another one of my so called "friends" Liam went through so many sell outs just to get laid. He joined a band to score with the rocker chicks. He joined the treehugers club to score with the hippie chicks. He got braids to score with some black girls, almost joined the army for, you guessed it, the uniform and chicks. He even "tried" to be gay and made girls into friends and THEN fucked them (This actually pissed me off the most). Now he is rocking the hardcore vampire scene claiming to love metal (poser metal, and screamo bullshit) while wearing impossibly tight pants and keeping that god awful emo hairstyle. God I think he is a dumber bitch then Erin.

He sold literally everything about him for some kind of pussy, he let it control who he was. He had no morals and standards and while there was sex there was no substance. While I too have claimed horrific things in the name of the great V, (Claiming Kesha was a good artist was one of them) I refuse to sell out my morals for something that will be gone tomorrow (of course there are expectations). Sometimes it's better to walk away, hell, it's better to pay for a hooker, as she will take your money rather than your dignity.

This doesn't mean, be picky as hell and if the girl doesn't meet your checklist don't even bother, but sometimes we know we can do better, and sometimes the head on our shoulders wins. I couldn't stand Erin any longer even if she had massive tits and was willing to do anal. Just like I couldn't see myself with Brittany who is pasting herself at my feet, and to be honest, I wouldn't be caught dead with her in my arms anyways.

14) Never bring up a question like "How come your single" that only refreshes their own options and self worth. Yeah that one is always a killer. You remember that friend that can walk up to you in middle school, damn-well knowing you are talking to a Julia, the girl you've had a chance with and with no remorse tell you "You guys seem like a good couple" or "You guys should be boyfriend and girlfriend". Needless to say it kills the mood and the bastards clears the scene before you can even try explain it as a joke or get her to play along. Hate that bastard. Think of this as you cock-blocking yourself, and even though it can be used as a lighthearted jab to raise and humor one's self esteem, in most cases it will backfire and you will appear like the desperate one and the one that cares more ( see entry 10).

In a group of friends it's much more casual and that's where the real easy going conversations happen, but it is important to lead her away from the fray when it comes to making your moves, as your asshole friend (we all got one, and if you don't know who it is, then you ARE the asshole friend) can and WILL ruin it for you. I remember when Kenny and I had our eyes out for the same girl, who was in our same friend circle. He made the mistake of being too pushy even in the group atmosphere, while I took her aside or made an excuse to leave the group while she and I touched base. He rushed it and got blown off, and I causally came in and took her to dinner. However that bastard wouldn't let up even after he clearly lost and at every chance tried to make me look bad. I mean, get over it man, you lost.

15) Keep the conversations going, there is a certain minimum amount of words that must be shared before tits or GTFO conversation can be initiated. You are using each other's time, so use it wisely. I still can't believe that this even a problem, but in today's cyber lifestyle I guess it should be addressed, as I have jumped the gun so many times even WITH a fast passed lifestyle and debaucher levels of drunken club rats.

I recall one particular instance with Daisy, a girl I met at a local club. It was my first time at the club and even though it wasn't my scene my good friend Jack Daniels made it that much bearable. My co-worker and buddy Jeff who taught me a great deal of playing the field, was there trying to help me score when I stumbled upon her. She wasn't bad looking and with that seductive look we clicked and my half drunk ass decided to dance. We exchanged maybe three lines of dialog and one of the lines was her asking "how old are you again?"This however didn't stop me from sticking my tongue down her throat and then her taking control and nearly eating my face off. Needless to say it was hot. She even did that thing where you run up her neck with your tongue and play and nibble on the earlobe after I introduced it. She then one-upped me and played around with my ear, and then eventually tongue fucked my ear. Needless to say it was hot! As this debauchery was going and as I was fingering her, the music stopped and some douchebag named Randy had his bachelor party on stage. Totally killed the mood, and then I tried to salvage the situation. I asked if she wanted to head over somewhere else, but she without a doubt in her voice she blew me off and said she was with her friend. That redhead sure got the fire to let you finger her one minute and completely blow you off the next. Whose fault was it? Randy's? Yes, but we exchanged four lines of dialog and my finger in her snatch. It wasn't enough to seal the deal (apparently), and it was my fault in a way.

16) Don't let up. I'm NOT saying "No" equals to "Yes", that's called rape, but while the girl says no, alcohol and you are saying "are you sure?" Keep fighting till the last breath, against all odds. Again, I can't believe this even has to be explained but in this day and age the nice guy doesn't get jack because the bro douchebag kept trying and eventual succeeded at talking to the girl and if doesn't fuck her, he will fuck her best friend. Fucking Arthur, I mean come on! I had my eye on her for a month, and I actually know her hobbies and interest unlike your fake "jeans with a tie" wearing ass. And that tattoo look stupid as fuck.....like you.

I do not support rape, but normal nice guys, like I used to be, lost a lot of their balls in the last few years while the tan muscle-head douchebags still reign supreme, and then that bitch Lola complains "Why can't I get a nice guy?" it's because you shoot him down with you horrible attitude and only a true veteran jerk that is sex-craved enough is willing to put up with your shit. And yes, I still find you hot, but I stopped trying not because I chickened out but because your bitch ass wouldn't respond to me and would reject me at every corner and then wonder, "why didn't he try harder, I guess he didn't want it". I wanted it (I still do), but I'm not driving to East LA to pick your and your date's drunken ass up so you maybe can go with me to dinner that I had to pay for. The dinner sucked by the way, she was on her phone the whole time and then asked me the next day why I didn't talk to her. Dumb bitch, at least she took me home after that, and conveniently forgot her brother was still out of town.

17) Don't be picky when going out. Your friends Granma's birthday party or drunken debauchery party the office slut invited you personally, go to both (unless they are the same day, then fuck that shit and get wasted and score with Samantha and avoid making eye contact with her for the rest of the month at work).

Yes we all want that party we see in the movies, where the girls are hot, the booze is plenty and the levels of morality and perversion border that of the Hair Metal era (or a Def Leppard concert). The cold fact is, every party is NOT like that. Hanging with my current company, it's even safer to say that those kinds of parties happen less and less after 28. This however shouldn't discourage anyone, because the times I had with those guys I wouldn't trade for the world, and maybe one day I can even credit some of those guys for teaching me how to be a working member of society. Probably AFTER my massive ego lets me, my hair grows thin, and I sell my Gibson Les Paul to pay for my kid's massive traffic ticket.

I recall going to concerts for bands I never even heard of, and heading over to clubs with women that I secretly wanted dead (after I'm done fucking them that is) but at least I tried. Rather than being Oleg who sat behind his computer playing WoW, damming everything that was happing to him, I did something about it. Maybe it wasn't perfect, maybe I didn't have that much fun, maybe I WAS too drunk to diver and should have let her do it and avoid that fine and half a year trying to avoid being pulled over (because I sure as hell will still drive even with a suspended license). The point is, I tried (see entry 6) and now have a story to share rather that "my main is on eredar" or "that y2k shaman is so broken!" Go get laid you bulgy bastard, and stop whining about how women are evil just because they have ears and don't want to hear your bullshit spewing for hours upon hours.

18) Booze does NOT make you a fun person if inside you are just as dull as you are outside. Drinking is a wonderful past time and we all know you are finally legally doing what you've been doing for the past 6 years, but some people can't drink, while others just shouldn't.

This became obvious when a drunken Irishman promised to protect me by pulling a knife on the other guy if he didn't want to pass me the Guinness. This however is specifically directed to my bassist Sean. He is a nice guy and but also suffers from "forever alone" syndrome and thinks that booze will help. It will because he himself is a nice guy inside, but it doesn't always work like that. The two most common things that drunken people say are "I love you" or "I hate you". Alcohol doesn't make you fun; it simply pushes the border that was held in by our won morals or by standards of society. We are given a bigger cage to play in, sort of speak.

I recall being hit on by a tranny and it was alright at the time being (mostly because she looked good and I found out LATER that she used to be a man). David sure got a nice laugh at me when I claimed to "like that hot read-head MILF". Yeah, laugh now because I would have banged that if given the chance (and don't you judge me at all). But alcohol didn't make me talk to Kristen, nor did it give me the thought "ehh she's got tits and a hole". Alcohol simply let me say that out loud and not be ashamed of it. If inside you are an uptight purist then you will just let more people know about it as you spew some racist comment about Barbra and her new boyfriend Jim. Yeah I'm talking to Al, keep that shit locked away with you white sheet. Alcohol needs to be used as a motivator. Maybe you can't talk to that girl across the bar, but Alcohol makes you do what you wanted to do from the first moment you spotted those huge puppies just waiting to get out. That's why I don't get drunk home alone; it will just capitalize on the situation and remind me further that my hand will be my lover tonight.

19) IGNORE the previous rule when buying a girl a drink. Nothing sounds like "I wanna fill you up and fuck you in the back of my civic because my parents are home" like "water and vodka with cranberry for the lady". As much as I love that civic, I don't think a can fit that wale along with my tall skinny ass in the back of that car again. It doesn't mean I won't try, but again, no matter how drunk you are, "No" is shorter then "Yes". Even when I was drinking with that bitch Erin, I knew I needed to get to work and even a nooner couldn't sober me up that quickly, so I just pretended to mix Jack into my cola, while filling her up and getting more and more of those amazing tits in my hands.

Getting a girl a vodka wile you order a cola just looks dumb. I had to do it at my old restaurant because they knew I was underage, and Monica was a mean drunk who wanted her wine even after 2am when it was illegal to have it out. The next day everyone was looking at me like I scored with her, and even though we are still friends, I wish that I would have met her at a different circumstance so I could have proudly looked back and let my eyes say "fuck yeah". Main point of the story, suck it up. Drink you bud light and get a Redbull when she's not looking and try to sober up to drive her home in an hour or so.

20) College and Highschool is for learning a fun skill, learning to talk to women, and making friends and connections that will last you WAY after you decide to drop out and be "an artist". God how I wish to go to the simpler days and do what really matters. If I could go back to highschool I would do nothing involving school and concentrate on playing guitar, talking to girls and finding a way to get Hugo from getting that chick pregnant (the first chick he got pregnant that is). Then I would have gone to college, not for the work or education, but to assemble my band, and have tons of barely consensual sex. I can't believe I even cared enough to want a Bachelors of computer science, or even waited that long to drop out of highschool. But the people I met and the times we had, I wouldn't trade for the world.

Time is never wasted but rather used, but dammit, sometimes you know you could have used that time better. My first job was 18 an hour without any fancy GED and my next didn't require any college degree (not to mention tons of loans). I'm not claiming that education is bad, or that the facilities provided are bullocks (maybe a little bit, but that's purely opinion), all I'm saying we all got a different route. Same applies to talking to women. Some can get a woman in bed with such famous techniques as "yo bitch" or "Your face, I like it". Other will have to slave away in ignorance praying for a glimpse of female affection. Luckily porn is there for just that occasion. But porn will be a whole different topic.

So that's my "Forever Alone's" guide to women, a collection of short stories. If you had a chuckle or got something useful out of this, then my work here is done. If you find this to be ridiculous amount of ego-boosting bullshit, it's your opinion, feel free to write it down, mail it to me, and I will make sure it ends up in that special circular cabinet along with my expired milk (I really got to drink that milk in time, or just not buy it at all).