by Psurprise
Short, to the point and enjoyable... thanks for sharing this story!!
Total load of fucking rubbish by A Wanker
I agree with the other two who commented, as this story reads like a play-by-play. I recommend giving your characters some background and depth. As a reader, if I don't know a character, then I don't care what happens to them. These characters didn't even have names.
Keep working at it.
Read like a statistics report from a bank. Good thing it was short story or I would have dozed off
Pretty impersonal. Reads like a report....he did this then she did that ...sort of thing