From Jenny to Mei Ch. 03

"Like you did for Steven?"

"Was that his name?"

"Why did you do that?"

"I'm not sure. I got confused because he seemed to be treating me nice and said nice things and it was a way to say 'fuck you' to you and the guy fucking me and slapping my ass. That, and I enjoyed it. I never let a guy abuse me like that and I'm so fucked up right now I confused it for kindness."

She played with the collar some more.

"I told you, up is down and down is up. Can you explain any of this?"

"But you don't like giving head. At least that's what you wrote to your friends."

"I only did it when I needed extra leverage. Explain what's happening to me."

"Do you need an orgasm?"

"Really!" she squealed.

"You deserve it. You've come a long way in just a couple of days." He repositioned and sat up straight, buttocks on the edge of the couch.

She got up, moved over to him, spread her thighs and straddled his knees and sat her thighs on his. Her pussy spread, the thick lips parting.

"Don't fuck with my head please." She held his hands, looking fragile. "I don't think I can take it."

He didn't mention that that was the whole point. She was ready for the next break and he'd give her what she needed and endure the crying. Despite his aversion to inflicting pain.

She put her arms around his neck and felt his cool fingers gently press on her pussy.

"Don't come until I tell you."

"I can't control that. I just come when I come. You might as well tell me not to sneeze and then blow pepper in my face."

"You'll learn to control it or you won't get any. It's part of your training. I'll teach you."

"Whatever, just start rubbing," she said gyrating her hips.

"Don't get pushy."

"Yes master." She looked into those damn eyes of his.

"Mei Chun."

"Mmmm... I like hearing it again."

"Your going to be so good when we're done." He left his right hand, upturned on her crotch, letting her glaze his fingers.

"Mmmm."

"You'll be like a new flower, fresh and clean."

"All new," she echoed. But he might as well have said he'd teach her to breathe underwater. Still, it sounded nice.

"Yes." His left hand was on her right hip, thumb pressed against the bone. She slowly began to rock her pelvis forward and back, coating the whole length of his fingers and the top of his motionless palm.

"All the shit that covers you now will be gone. All your sins forgiven, the filth forgotten." His touch was very light against her, hardly any pressure at all.

'His fucking eyes were so... '

"You'll be light as a feather."

'... devilish and deep.'

"Happy and carefree."

'He's got a nice voice too, firm and sure.'

"You'll earn salvation."

The word salvation rang in her head. 'Christ, it was exactly the word.'

"You'll know your purpose."

'Then I won't feel like such a whore.'

"You'll have a reason for living."

"Give me a reason," she whispered.

"I will."

"Fill me for god's sake. I feel so fucking empty." The tears were just ahead like curtain of rain frozen under a cloud. "Like a hole in the dirt."

Her tempo began to accelerate.

"Mei Chun?"

"Just call me Mei when you're fucking me, ok?"

"Right."

"It's more personal." She brought his forehead to her shoulder, her tit brushing his face. "Or call me whore."

Her supple breast was too perfect to ignore. He needed to stay strong, but its power over him strengthened in direct proportion to the cube root of its distance from his nose. He wanted to maneuver her body over him and have her feed it to him. He wanted to hear her moans and encouragement; to hear her mind say, "Here is my breast, nuzzle, take from me. Give me your lust and I will make love out of it and feed it back to you." He wanted to adulate it for eternity. To be blessed by this perfect breast.

"You like my tits, don't you Philip?"

He tore his eyes away, "Never mind. You can come tonight but you have to let me drive."

"Yeah... right, ok."

He began moving his hand with her hips and put the pad of his middle finger on her anus. "Slow down," he ordered

"Mmmm." Once again he was breaking new ground for her. Her asshole was completely off limits. Never had she allowed a finger or a tongue to even explore there. A couple of guys fucking begged her but it didn't do anything for her, and that was that. 'But with Philip... who knew?'

The idea of submission started to have a real charm for her. 'Fuck, life isn't going anywhere anyway. Might as well take six months to see what this has to offer.' And, she remembered, she didn't have a choice.

He pressed his palm up very slightly, her clit brushing the heel. It was like a rock hitting a windshield, a spiderweb of electric fissures radiated from the epicenter. The pad of his finger pressed gently.

"Talk," he commanded.

"Huh?"

"Tell me what your thinking. Describe the sensations. All truth and don't hold back." He wetted his finger with the viscous syrup seeping from her.

"All this is so fucking new. I feel abused. I feel idolized. And I hate you. I really fucking hate you. Uhh," a moan popped out of her as his finger returned and pressed hard and she realized he wanted in.

"Yes. You might as well fuck my dirtiest hole. I'm four-fifths to street walking anal fuck whore anyway." She bounced against his finger.

"You're really wet."

"Do you like it?" She instantly sounded cheerful like she was asking if he liked a new sun dress.

"Tell me more."

"I'm so confused. I can't know what's true."

"Explain."

"That massage, you were so goddamn tender. That kissing we did. It was so... really Philip it was... I never... And you kept visiting me at my job. Kept coming back, making an ass of yourself and you didn't mind. When you looked at me today, in the bar... I feel so beneath you. I don't feel like a whore unless I think about you thinking about me."

Another push.

"Oh... Jesus, that's weird." She wasn't the type to explore new experiences. Once she found a shampoo that would do, she didn't look further.

"Do you like it? Being beneath me?"

"It's just what it is."

Another groan and she pulled back and looked in his eyes.

"Your going to stick that fucking thing in me aren't you?"

"In your dirtiest hole."

"Well get on with it."

It was tight but it fit and he left the tip just inside the ring of muscles that kept her anus closed.

"Fucking hell!... Jesus that's weird."

"Keep talking."

"Now I'm worried."

"Yeah?"

"Fuck. I'm going to like that. I know it." She looked back into his eyes. "You're supposed to be cleaning me up, not making me more of a slut. Remember?"

"Yes. However, you are a slut and I have to deal with you as you are. If I were to just dress you up like a nun you wouldn't magically become one. So I have to treat you like the dirty fucking slut you are for a while. When you deserve it."

"That my motivation?"

"Yes and pleasing me."

She wiggled her ass, trying to find a natural home for his finger.

"Talk."

"God that really feels good. What have I been missing? Suck my tit and I'll tell you more."

"Ah... no negotiating. I'll suck your tit when it's ready. Tell me how you hate me."

"I. I," she tried to make a start but feeling his finger burrow slowly inside her took her mind other places. "Well. It's not who you are so much as what you're doing to me."

"I've got you moaning, wiggling your ass on my finger and my palm is pooling with the juice that's practically pouring out of your cunt."

"Yeah, that's not what I mean. You know what I mean. Your either going to destroy me or your going to destroy me... right. Either way I am fucked. That's why I hate you."

He pushed firmly but slowly to the second knuckle.

"That's why you love me."

"I don't love you."

He started cycling his finger, up and back, fucking her ass.

"Talk about it... think it through."

She recognized that she'd been wrong about nearly all the definitive statements she'd made in her own defense over the last few days and he'd always been right.

"I don't do love."

"Uh huh."

"I don't do love. I don't love anyone except my mama. I never have."

"Uh huh."

"I can't feel it, ok? It just doesn't exist within me. I wouldn't know what it was."

"Right. Ever have a dog?"

"No."

"Of course not."

"Love is for assholes. It's just a trick nature uses to get us to have kids."

"Right. You're not going to fall for it."

"Geez... God that's really different. Wow... I never thought I would like a finger up my ass but it's like burning up my pussy." She rocked her hips into his palm, trying to get more pressure on her clit.

"Stop deflecting."

"Kind of hurt going in, but not in a bad way."

"One more evasion and I twist your nipple till you scream."

'Hmm? An option at least.'

"I don't love you. Oh... wow. I don't love you and I'm not going to. You might be able to beat the bitch out of me but you can't beat love into me."

He was silent, waiting.

"I've never loved a man. That way they couldn't use me. I'm the one that uses men and I like it like that. No complications. Just sex for performance, just a simple transaction. A relationship that can be terminated without any hard feelings."

Talking like this made her feel bad. It was Jenny talking, Mei Chun was absent.

"You don't want me to love you anyway, if you know what's good for you. I eat men like you for breakfast."

"Not men like me," he said, green ice forming in his eyes. "Ever had a date tie your hands a watch you get fucked by three of his pals?"

"Good point."

"Anyway, you're right. You've no idea what love is."

She took offense, realizing at the same moment she didn't know where the anger was coming from.

"Yeah.. ok... well I'm not fucking happy about it ok. Not now."

"You want to feel what it's like?"

"What?"

"What being in love is like?"

'Now that was an interesting question. What would it feel like?' She'd been around the myth of love her whole life... everyone had. Talk of love permeated the culture. Mothers bought brand X and not brand Y fabric softener because they loved their babies. She had friends who claimed to be under the magic spell, they were the ones that cried a lot.

It was a question a pusher would ask his cocaine customer. 'Want to feel what heroin is like?'

"No."

"Sure? Not even curious?"

"It's a lie. Love is a lie people tell themselves."

This turn in the conversation was killing her sex buzz.

"Can we talk about this after I come?"

"No."

"Get your finger wet again and tell me I'm a whore or something."

"It's all consuming."

"What is?" but she knew.

"It's a fire in your head."

"It's a lie."

"It's the only truth."

"It's a delusion to give stupid people a meaning to their lives."

"It makes all people equal."

"It makes all people fools."

"So," he said, withdrawing his finger, removing his hand, wiping it on his pants leg at the side of his knee, and laying back on the couch. "You've no need for it then?"

'Ok... now I've done it,' she realized. He called her. She sort of forgot who she was dealing with for a few moments.

"Oh shit. Please master. Please. I'm sorry."

He was impassive.

This was a fork in the road. She could turn left, Jenny's way, and resist, or she could turn right, Mei's way and see what was down there. One way was familiar but cold, lonely, unsatisfying, going nowhere, like going back to her apartment. The other way was dark, scary, unknown and had this aroma of tantalizing promise. If she continued asserting that love had no interest to her, a lie of course, who knew what he would do. No doubt he already saw through Jenny and the lie. If she let Mei talk then she'd look like a fool.

"Oh fuck. You really are a motherfucker aren't you?"

"Never fucked my mother."

"You're going to make me say it aren't you? You won't let me hide."

"You'll never hide anything from me Mei."

"Don't call me that without something of yours inside me."

He stroked her knee, loving the answer, a grin grew on his face.

"I might be curious," she said, adding without a pause, "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to say that?"

"Yes."

"You have no fucking idea."

"Ok... you're right."

"Are you going to spill your guts to me someday?"

"You'll have to scoop them up with a shovel."

"All right... This'd better be part of the therapy."

"It is. It's an important step."

"Ok," she straightened her spine, "I want to know."

He reached around and spanked her. "More."

"Ahhh," she yelped. "I want to know what love is all about. I've always wanted to know. I want to care about you."

It was a slip, a mistake, she knew. The truth never worked like it was supposed to. It just got you into trouble. But she hadn't even known it was the truth until after she said it.

In her defense her self control was nearly gone. The automatic filter that was supposed to catch embarrassing admissions wasn't engaging because she was so fucked up in the head. He didn't respond. He just sat there with no look on his face.

"I... I... shit," she'd said too much already.

"More!" he pushed her.

"I ... I want to love you god dammit!" She slapped him hard across the face.

She trusted him out of desperation. She felt as though she were jumping across a hole in a rope bridge stretched over a deep gorge in the Amazon Rain Forest. Trusting him to grab her and hold her and save her from falling to her death on the rocks below.

Still he was inactive.

She grabbed his head and leaned over fully onto him.

"I want you to love me and I want to love you and I want to feel all that fucking lie. I want to be buried in it, have it run through my veins like blood and I want that fire in my head and surrender. I don't want to be Jenny anymore. I want to be your Mei Chun."

She was crying.

"I want to be that lovely little girl who's heart belongs to a nice guy who loves her and brings her fucking flowers. I want to miss you when you're gone and get up early and fix your fucking breakfast you bastard. I want to hurt inside because you're looking at another girl. I want someone to see what a bitch I am inside and still think I'm worth something."

She pulled his hair to hurt him, pulled back, saw the joy in his eyes, then fell in to kiss him. When she was done, weak with the effort, she whispered, "So fuck me already."

"I love you Mei Chun."

She experienced another wrenching crack within her, like a femur snapping. 'Jesus it's just too fucking much.' She was past her limit and not forty gallons of tears would be enough.

"No... No don't say that!"

She sobbed on him, leaning on him between his legs.

He noticed his cock was rock hard. Her body shuddered with each sob. But what was pushing the blood into his cock was her honesty and her need. She was completely open. She was as vulnerable as a patient with their skull sawed off. She trusted him. He held her. He felt a desire to protect her which made the task of breaking her seem impossibly difficult.

He thought about next steps and was going to turn the screw but realized he would cause damage rather than liberation. There would be plenty of time for deconstruction later. She'd had enough.

He picked up her shaking body, took her to the bed room, undressed and cuddled with her until they fell asleep.