All Comments on 'Frozen in Love Ch. 01'

This has potential. Perhaps. But will need significant work ir you want it to shine. Look for a volunteer editor to get rid of the distracting errors in the writing mechanics. And wait until you have something of substance to post before you post. Your story isn't even half-baked yet. If you really, really want to continue it, then by gosh and by golly continue it to a point where it can stand on its own. To close on a positive note, though, parts of it did catch my interest. Enough that I read it to the bottom.

p.s. I am writing this anonymously as I don't want to draw attention to my own stories, but for what it's worth, this is advice from a posted author with all my postings having recieved the coveted red "H".

I agree with the previous comment in that this has potential. You have the start of a good story with interesting characters. However there is a definite need for improvement with grammar and the fact that you switched from 3rd person to 1st person was a bad choice. Unless you are switching between characters in the story, it doesnt work and just confuses people.

This could be a great chain story if you keep working on it. You really have potential with it and i hope you keep going. But try to avoid the switch from 3rd to 1st person again.

P.S. also try to get CH. 2 out quickly or else people will forget the original story and lose interest.

please continue it quickly! it would be nice if the brother and sister stay somewhat loyal to each other.

…………………………………………………. __ . __……………………

……………………………………………….../’`: : `\,---`.„…………………

………………………………………………../|,-‘`¯¯`\(o)_\,----,,,_………..

………………„~*¯¯`”\,………... _„_………( `\(o),,_/` ¯ : o : : :o `-, …...

……………../ : · :(“,.~;*’¯¯¯”\, (_,-- ``”~,….\ : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : `\…..

………….....| : · :,/`,-*~;~··-„,/ (‘` ``)/· ,…\.,/` : : :_„„,: : : : : : : : : : : \…

…………….| : · / ,/`,--\ \’`c\,---„1 ‹’`--(_ ,/ / : : :,/` · · ): : : : : : : : : : : |…

……………..) : µ’` .\ (c) `¯ . . ·`), . ,-~`.. \ : : :| · · '”\, : : : : : : : : : : :/…

……………/` ,/_~-, .`;;`„-„,__,./, ```/……. `\: :\ · · · · `*-.,_ : : : : : :,-‘ ….

……………`-/¨;--;~’ `”*-=,=-_`” ,) ,/`……….`› : `\, · · · · · · ¯”~---,--`…….

…„„………__\, · ‘, · . . . `\„_,/ ,/;-;_ ……. /` ` | ./ · · · · · · · · „-“…………

.( :·`\,-~*`¯ · · ·`¯` `~--~*~---~;/`,-~*```*--, `1` / : | · · · ,---~*”`……………

. \·:··:”*~-,,„„____„„,.-~”`¯¯¯¯/ / · · · · · ‘\,) , / : :| · · · ·\………………….

…`”’~-,„„„„„„,,~‘`` . ( · · · ,.__| | · · · ·, `\„„/ ,/`: : / · · · · ·| ………………..

…………………….\`”””` · · ·`’~;-,„,,_)”`_-‘ : : / · · · · · · | ………………..

……… (`*”-,„,-”¯¯”`-;„· · · · · · , /'``,-~”`¯: : : :/ · · · · · · |.………………..

………. | : :(,;-===-„, `\,· · · ,-`| · ·/ : : : | :,/` · · · · · · ·| ………………..

……… . \ : :\, · · · · \\ · `\. ·)· / · / : :\ : :`~,_ · · · · · ./ …………………

………… \\,_`~.,_„,.-*\\, `/,/„/` ,/ : : :`’;-.„_ : ¯-, · · · /,…………………..

…………..`\,,`”| : :`-,„_„))’`"` ·,/`_„,~*’` · · ( · , ,`)· ·,-; `’\,………………..

……………..`*-\ : : : `~----~*` / · · · · · · · · “”~”` ·/` ·( _ :)………………

…………. ,.¬-,--\ : : : : : : : : / · · · · · · · · · ·,,-“`…..’-„,-‘……………….

…………..| |: :*:\ : : : : : : :_/ „____„„„„,---~*`……………………………

…………./ / : : : `~-„„„„„,.;;`,,.--`………………………………………….

…………| | : : : :|¯ : ,/ ¯ ………………………………………………….

………….\,\,_,„./---~`………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………

…and show them to a literate friend.

Thanks.

Jane

Nice setup! Some editing/grammer problems. But overall it was a nice read and set up the next chapter well! Looking forward to it.

Thanks for writing!

Sexmate

Real potential here, in several possible directions.

But, "Deal with it"? Not very courteous to your readership, hawk. Good grammar makes the reading experience more erotic for all.

Frump sez dont be intimate with women of the night!

LUNARHAWK! ZOAMG. LONG TIME NO C! KEKEKE! COME BACK TO LUE YOU CRAZY FELLOW! KTHNKZBIE

ZOMAGE TEH LUNARHAWK!!! LUESHI NEED J00R HELP!

I think that your writing grasps the reader's attention. It starts off great and leads the audience on and leaves them hanging. Kepp up the good work.

Come on man! where is chapter 2? This is the only story I keep coming back to check on... Please continue!

Metinks a haxxor getted onto yours accountz end maked teh fird persin go away, bicuz hims cahngd ento deh ferst persin... *cough* sorry. It was quite childish of you.

good start I like it keep going

Nice hot start, but we sure need to hear more of this sibling love story in the making.

stupid story a guy that is that shy around his sister sure wouldn't have two girls as friends and when he got to her house and found that her parents weren't home he would have left especially with her in just a robe keep it atleast sounding realistic

Sure hope you'll continue this. A bit rough around the edges but a great storyline developing here. I'll be watching for the continuation. Thanks

the best thing you can do is delete this so called story and throw away your computer so you aren't tempted to try again . DELETE DELTE DELETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And badly-spelled tripe, at that. Nothing here but the smell of tripe...

when does ch.2 come?

lame

18years, I don't know why I get sucker into reading these stories that go nowhere