All Comments on 'Game Time Pt. 01'

Well-written with enough intrigue to hold the reader's interest. Hopefully the author won't make us wait too long for successive chapters. Five stars so far.

the wife is damaged goods, one child one on the way, ran away on her own accord, to damned bad divorce her and get full custody of the prior child and let the whore find her own way. End of story.

I found this story boring!

This is a perfect yawn inducer! Unbelievably boring. I mean how boring can a story really be?

I'll withhold voting until I read more. Then you will get my final score for all the parts. So far it seems like a build-up and not really a self contained story. As such you should probably not have posted it by itself. Had you made it longer and included some of the meat which I hope is in part 2, you might have hooked more readers with your first instalment.

A lot of words with ideals as to what is going on but boring . This site needs

more action faster than what you are doing. you lost the readers .

But at least its not yet another cuck story (I hope!)

Excellent story so far. Well written with good character development.

This chapter could, with the help of an editor, been compressed to a handfull paragraphs. The idea is great, the execution hopeless.

I'm hoping for good things and a short wait for chapter two. I didn't have any problem with the intro...it was well-constructed and interesting, and I'm more than happy to appreciate a long build if the story is engaging. So far, this one is.

Getting interesting. Waiting for more.

The concept is very interesting, but parts of it were just so bogged down. I figure Flavian spent 700-800 words on the approvals for his new house, and several other more important things were also too verbose.

BUt, you have my interest and I am looking forward to part 2.

very interesting story here looks like it. sure makes you wonder what exactly is going on and just how much he can actually do without causing lots of problems for his family. hope the next chapter comes soon cause this is really interesting.

I try not to jump the gun and comment before the story is complete but felt I should chime in early for a single observation.

I like the setup and the idea. I confess that I don't care for multipart 'mystery' stories since the tension really dies waiting for the next installment. Hopefully, the pieces will be close enough together that the impact isn't diminished.

Looking forward to the next part.

I'll rate it in the end...I believe it'll be a long story....

go to congressman and watch on tv.

I look forward to seeing how it plays out.

Im so board had to restart 3times done with it

Description of putting in a septic field for gods sake. I am engaged but hope this is not a RAAC story. Even if she was off doing something heroic for her family or the country he still warned her that she was in over her pay grade and anything that happened after that would be due to be hubris thinking she could handle it.

Was this a story about loving wives or a documentary about the FBI, Boring, Boring, Boring.

Nothing really happened to move the story along. It started out well enough but this whole chapter should have been done in the first page. I feel we did not get far along enough in the story with this chapter meaning I really don't know shit about Lana or their marriage or what the point of showing up a the door was. I assume we will find out in the next chapter but this chapter should have told us a little more about this story. 4*

Who cares about his septic tank? I kept waiting for the story to start and it never did. I fail to see how this story scores above a 4.

i thought it was great, you have built suspense and i can't wait to see the next chapter. good job!

mind you thanks for the tips about the sewers and geolology lesson. can you tell me how much dynamite is needed for a 3000ltr tank?

i liked all the info about the I phone apps. Are you planning selling this to geeks weekly?

cuck or btb? realistic consequences, or dreamy fantasy of perfection? Erotic and sexy, or thought provoking? Appropriate for the category, or a buffet of several different categories tied together by a marriage between characters?

missuse of capitalization, quotation marks, and the dreaded "they're/their/there" grammar/spell checked Nazi imperative?

Well, then there is this:

Some people like complicated stories, while others want you to keep it simple.

Complicated stories have a lot going on, so it is easy to get mired with "frivolous(?)" details. Simple flash flood vignettes often never go beyond a stereotype, and even the best ones usually stay light on emotion. Quick stroke fantasies are hard to remember, often discarded quickly like an exhausted porno mag. Yet drawn out love affairs, and the trials of life, work, and kids, fail unless these people are TRULY AMAZING AND UNIQUE philosophers who somehow have learned all the secrets to life.

At the end of the day, NO ONE Author, can provide the same level of entertainment value that will hit EVERYBODY across the board equally. Can you believe that SOME people didn't like Star Wars either?

As for me, I REALLY like complicated stories. I wish you luck and success. Don't let some people telling you are a bit wordy stifle off your creative use of words. Keep these chapters coming. With HDK as an editor, I'm sure you'll end up with a story that at least HE wants to read. And if HDK likes it, well Flavian, then that sure as hell is good enough for me!

Great start for chapter one....can't wait for more! and THANKS!

Great way with words but... over explained & therefore ... waffle. But also this could well be the start of a great story... hope so.

Although the story had a possibly interesting base plot, I found the first part filled with a large abundance of useless information that does nothing to further the story. An example of this useless filler would be the in depth information about the septic tank and building the house. Sometimes more is not better it is just more.

All the signals of the beginning of a good story. Not very erotic, especially the instructions on the septic tank, unless that's where the body is buried. One question. Would he really have asked for 'Special Agent Fife' in a public restaurant? Surely 'Mr Fife'.

you have a good plot going, but wasted 3 pages and never touched the reasons for her leaving. guess we will just have to wait till the next chapter. how you spin the next one will most likely make or break you

Sure getting a lot of well founded criticism on the inane subject of septic tanks. Who cares? It fills a hole (pun intended). Starting out looking like an intriguing pins and needles suspense story. I like it thus far. Good writing as well as reading. Cheers!

I'm ready to dump the bitch now, but I'll allow the author to convince me otherwise.

I like the intrigue so far. Also, having run into a finger of Stone Mountain myself while digging, I could really feel his pain! And the story so I heard it was they built Peachtree City to keep all the Yankee pilots from moving into Fayetteville. I don't normally rate a story until it's finished but I'm giving this one 5*. Keep up the good writing.

For the read.

A very interesting and tight thriller. No kidding this reads like one of the very best kind of crime thriller so far. If it were expanded into a full length book I could easily see a best seller with a movie deal attached possibly.

The Opening page really sets you back on your heels. My first question would be "Dear, were you a mole before we were married or afterwards".

I admit that I am paranoica but that phrase where Barney asks the big boss if he will continue his chase, considering that she was married to (pause). Has me thinking that she is married to the Russian boss! I admit I would then ask why they were bringing her to my house since I would have all ready divorced her for abandonment.

so far he is proving to us why he is JUST a contractor. He takes the information he has to the people who need to be investigated and expects - what?

I'm hooked. Moar!

I apologize for pointing out a grammar error, but can't help being pedantic:

THOSE WHO HATE GRAMMAR NAZIS, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER

During Maddux's and Svetlana's argument, Maddux considered using Svetlana's full Russian name, Svetlana Alexeivich Savina, which translates to Svetlana, Son of Alexei, of the Savin family. It should be Svetlana Alexeievna Savina, which changes her name to Daughter of Alexei. Remember patronymics must also agree with gender. Normally I'm forgiving of grammatical missteps, but I believe it's critically important to be accurate when referencing foreign languages or cultures.

That being said, an overage of detail can either a) educate the reader (maybe) or b) bore them to death. This is a risk.

Characterization takes word count, but a lot of it seemed to be applied to minutia. That being said, I hope you have chapter done NOW with more already in the pipeline. If you are doing to do one of these 'detail' stories, you CANNOT let it stray over weeks (trust me, I still have chew marks on my ass over Reconciliation)

it was a very slow build up. I hope you have about 8 more pages of prose to wrap this up. But one of the things I liked about this was the 'what if' for myself.

What would I do if my wife disappeared doing something she thought was critically important and she came back...pregnant? Would you, fair reader, toss out such a woman? It is, given the circumstances, very unlikely that she WILLINGLY got pregnant (though how willing her fucking was is up to question). Still, I doubt very much that fucking around is part of her PWS (whatever the hell THAT is. If you are going to use jargon, define it please!)

A murky moral mess. Though the villains seem pretty clear cut.

I guess you know what you're writing about with all this FBI info & whilst it would be ideal in a full length novel I think it's a bit of overkill here. Sure provide background to help explain the beginning of the plot but not so much that it becomes the story which I guess is about Lana & her disappearance 3 years ago. I think you have a good beginning for an excellent story, now it's up to you to deliver .... .... .... . 3 ***

She has been gone for over three years, assuming the under two year old toddler is hers that means two children by another man or men.

It would take a lot to convince me that she was an innocent victim, and Special Agent Fife would have an uphill climb to be believed.

Gone for over three years?

The Russian Mafiya is typical of Asia, life has little worth, she would be killed if they had her, just a woman and there are millions of women.

So where was she?

Can you people please open a Dick Tracy category for the guys who write comic books?

But not sure what to make of this one. Look forward to the next installment.

I sure as hell hope the septic tank plays into the story at some point, otherwise it had to be one of the strangest asides I've read.

A bit indulgent, but then riveting by turns. As FD45 said Flavian has done a lot of research and he's not focusing strictly on if the wife is straying. Hardcore LW fans will grow weary waiting for scarlet A to be tattooed on wifey's neck. To me, this is an author presenting an absorbing premise that with a skilled and sympathetic editor could go pro.

Kudos for Flavian's ambition and over the top work ethic, that easily makes up for a few swollen paragraphs

Good so far , I just hope it doesn't turn out she is married to another mobster and disappears in his life as a undercover agent. Then she is freed after he is done in. Then this story rings a bell in my head.

I like the back ground detail it makes a story more interesting for me, there are plenty of fuck-fest stories to read on this site if that is all some people want, sure some descriptive sex is good but Flavian's writing is a cut above many that write here.

I hope you use HDK to edit your story because you need help. This story is about what happened to his wife. Everything else is irrelevant! No one is going to be buried on the grounds of the new house we don't need to learn about the geology. If I'm wrong, the character can bitch about the rocky ground while trying to dig a grave site.

I can understand the wife needing to keep some details from her husband about her work with the FBI but it makes no sense that he doesn't even have a work number to reach her. She works at a front for the FBI, that means that it looks like a real business. WTF was sent to him in the emailed message? You go into minute detail about stupid stuff but only talk about a pdf that was attached but nothing about what else was there. Why didn't he demand that the FBI contact connect him with his wife. He knew that something was wrong when he was already meeting with the suspected bad guy even before he was able to express his concerns.

My main beef is that you don't really convey that his wife is the love of his life before she goes missing. Her dismissal of his concerns is telling. She is a mother of a little boy who loves her. Why would she risk that relationship for the excitement of the undercover operation? You are a good writer but need help with focus. I hope to get your next chapter soon. Thanks for your work.

Don't keep us waiting for long. The setup loses it's impact if the next chapter doesn't appear soon after the setup.

I like the overall outline, but a lot of this first chapter is just boring detail and does not seem to be pertinent, much less readable. It still rates a 4.

A lot of detail revealed in ch.1. Now that the prelude is done time to get to the actual story, why the wife was away three years. Carry on...

Despite some truly unnecessary detail that I can't see advancing the story at ANY point. I recognize the value of a cliff-hanger, but I really wish you had at least gotten to the disappearance in this initial chapter. Still, excellent writing and good story-telling. Hope the next installment isn't far off.

A good if some very detailed start to the story.

I am not sure if so much geological information was required at the beginning and for there does not seem too much love coming from either the husband or the wife towards one another ! ?

Do they actually love one another or not !

Story could do with jist a little bit more descriptive sex !

Good lord, I could only get half way through this novel about everything except erotica. If you want to be John Grisham be it somewhere where people want to read ridiculous mysteries.

Change the spelling a little bit and one gets Et A Cow county

Too bad Laurel and the dickheads commenting don't want good quality authors on this site.

Cucks galore and nothing more.

5*

of a willingly happy cuck

It was easy to see trouble was on the way. Selfish woman who had no respect for her husband. Standing at your door with a bastard child and pregnant.....should have just slammed the door on them.

Fuck me, what a boring story!

IMHO

We all like different things -

An unusual tale and there is scope for developing the story and chararcters.

and you will need an umpire/referee to get a correct call san playback. TK U MLJ LV NV

who gives a shit about a septic tank? ( pun intended ) this is an amazingly convoluted story that mostly has nothing to do with anything except the authors belief that he knows someone that knows something about what might go on in someone's mind that used to work in a building that once was run by the EFF BEE EYE! Fuck what a waist of time!

I don't normally say so, but as a retired Federal Government employee, I can tell you that security protocol is NOT being followed at all. ALL email from ANY Fed agency must go through SPAM procedures.

ANY email where you do NOT know the sender, is NEVER opened up. It must be forwarded to "*SPAM". A department set aside to handle such emails.

While we are allowed to create personal folders, we do NOT have personal email accounts.

We are NEVER allowed to open attachments of this category.

Going to a manager is alright, but not necessary. The SPAM department will take it from here.

WRITER; please, even though this is a fantasy, if you are going to quote procedures, at least get them right.

Cant believe I sat to read about somebodys septic tank. I thought the story was about his missing wife? and then again if this is the way his conversation goes with her maybe she just took a vacation from him. this is to much farting and no poop to show and should have gone in the septic system.

If not for the beginning, I certainly wouldn't trust neither agent Fife or Zach Taylor, but who knows it's only a story. Yet, there are women who disappear and are never heard from again.

Love your work, but after telling the reader someone's title it is annoying to have it repeated every time the persons name is given.

Good beginning but a little to much detail on septic systems and FBI-Contractor relationships for the average person.

I really hope this doesn't turn out to be an RAAC. Sounds like there was suspicion of Lana's activities with her boss early. Not to mention being pregnant and already having a child. Deliberate choices and planned deception never deserves reconciliation because you can never trust them again. The person has already proven that vows, marriage, the spouse's feelings, and commitment means absolutely nothing.

in your face bitch and vicious attack dog. I don't see anything good coming from this as far as the husband is concerned. When you are so afraid of your wife's reaction to everything that you don't feel you can question her about anything you probably need to go on down the road. You and the wife both should decide to see other men.

Any witch who disrespects her husband when he's SHOWING his love and concern for her and her safety is a piece of shit that he needs to wake up and scrape off of his shoe.

Number one: This guy is a fucking wimp to be putting up with her shit.

Number two: Knowing what he now knows, he should stalk and kill the slimy motherfucker that she thinks is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Judging by her attitude, she's probably already sucking his dick and fucking him.

Number three: The FBI is an agency that's infested with whores and pimps to begin with.

Excellent writing and detail work. Can't say that I enjoyed it but I respect good craftsmanship. Gave it four stars

fucked em all over

dumped her the first time she bitched about him protecting her.

Great start although the audio recording is a bit corny. Two FBI agent were unaware they might be recorded in a public place so they both went to reveal so much? OK, I'll buy that since the built-up suspense is a great start. Good writing as well.

To much Thriller And Not interestig enough to continue reading ...

A Federal Government contractor for over 25 years, including before and after the creation of the Department of Homeland Security I can attest to the fact that all of those inter-department rivalries still exist and the arrogance by a large percentage of those same Federal employees against contractors is exactly as described in this chapter. I can also state we are not anymore safe in this country by the creation of this agency due in part to these same issues. "I had always felt 'Anti-Contractor Bias' vibes coming off the Department of Defense Federal employees..." Flavian got his facts 100% correct on this point. Signed: BTW

wow: tension building from the get-go

Without reading thru all the comments, the only complaint I have is the pronunciation of Coweta. I live in that county and it is pronounced either cow-wet(hard on the wet)-a or cow-eatah.

He better not take that ho back...

I think that the Author has his facts right .. I would have made sure that everyone knows how unhappy I would be if anything happened to My Wife ..

Unbelievable! Everyone knows that if you want good BBQ in Laurel, you go to Red, Hot & Blue on Main St.

Should have just closed the damn door while saying fuck that whore.

Both problems solved, story over.

You're gonna make cuck boy take the whore back aren't you ?

RAAC trash

No, you can’t trust Fife, he’s compromised! Also, this guy is an idiot to even try bringing this up through ‘channels’. If you get evidence of corruption in government, you get a lawyer, and then go to the press, specifically media with an anti government bias so that they won’t bury it.

ZK

Looking back on the EFF-BEE-EYE since 2016, this piece is looks to be both factual and prescient. When I read, "Office of Professional Responsibility", I also hear a laugh track playing!

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My only quibble with this story is that while I appreciate the detailed writing, it is frustrating to have to dig through multiple lines of lengthy, detailed explanation between so many lines of dialogue. Or, when there is a point of action, such as the email he received, to be compelled to read a long detailed paragraph about email security. That level of over-explanation just... slowwwwwwwwsssss..... t..h...e floo...w. of th.... You get the idea. If it wasn't a good, compelling story, that would not be so frustrating. Another example was MC's mention of his awareness of computer scams, but then that had to be thoroughly explained, as if any reader could not infer that from the original statement.

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Overall, a solid piece of writing! 5/5!!

Sorry to get in a huff. A *.doc file is an MS Word. A *.wpd file is a WordPerfect file. A *.pdf file is an Acrobat file. One does not say a Doc file for a Word file. Thus why say a PDF file when its an Acrobat file. Just because other other programmes safe as an Acrobat there is no reason to call it a PDF file. (PDF stands for Portable Document Format made by Adobe.) Get on board. And yes I am autistic and thus pedantic.

This is just painful to get through, I'm going to read more and pray it gets better, you have good writing form and I'm sure you did research on it.

Hope he doesn't take her back,she wanted to go her own way.Looking at the state of her she has seen more cock than a street walker.How does a four year old lad,immediately recognise his mother three years later?

A very good painful start. I must continue reading the story and I hope it will all become clearer. Please do not disappoint me.

1 star - too much unbelievable spy crap

It always makes a story more interesting when you are familiar with the area the story is set in. I have eaten at the Famous Dave's mentioned in the story several times!

3 pages to explain what 1 page would do ? Thanks for the riveting explanation of your septic system as it ties in directly with Lana's missing 3 years.

A lot of amateur authors seem to think erotica is about world building.,,

Bored to fucking tears. 3 pages to sort out what could have been told in 1 1/2. Do you have an editor? You desperately need one.

Great story, great writing. Thank you.

This one has caught me. I am looking forward to the rest. I strongly believe you do not describe a rifle hanging on the wall unless you intend to shoot that rifle. Also looking forward to you shooting that septic system.