Glimpses

"You shop here too, huh?"

Yes, Aaron, he shops here too. What else would he be doing here? Idiot. Aaron hadn't meant to sound that stupid.

"Yeah." Andrew gave a hesitant smile.

"Well, it was nice seeing you Aaron. I guess I'll see you around."

Andrew turned around and practically ran away. He left his Fish Oil behind.

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September 9, 2006

It was a month before they saw each other again.

"Annnnddddrrrreeeeeewwwwww! I have someone I want you to meet!"

God, Gaby was annoying sometimes. She'd been trying to set Andrew up with her never-ending stream of gay friends ever since she'd found out Andrew's sexual orientation a couple of weeks into working at the office. She'd dragged him to the gallery opening today in Santa Monica. It wasn't really his scene, and now she was trying to set him up with someone, again. Andrew reminded himself that she was only doing it to be nice.

"Okay, Gaby, but seriously, if this one doesn't work out I should probably be one of your lost causes."

Andrew really hoped Gaby would agree.

"Oh please, like I could ever give up on you! You're just too picky. I guess you can afford to be though, you're so adorable."

How could Andrew think Gaby was annoying when she said things like that?

"Now, this one's special, alright? I met him through a friend a couple of weeks ago. He's a total hottie – I'm still trying to attract him to the fairer sex. But anyway, I'll go and get him!" she squealed.

Oh yeah, that's how.

Andrew turned to look at the art on the wall. He wasn't picky, he was just...guarded. That was the word. He pretended to be interested in the canvas in front of him. It was blank with a red dot in the corner. Andrew looked at the title. "Abstractions of Death." Oh, please.

Gaby tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around.

"Andrew, meet Aaron!"

You have got to be fucking joking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron had recognized the cowlick when Gaby had started dragging him over. When she started talking Andrew up he knew it was definitely him. He didn't feel like stopping her though. Now he was standing there, hands in his pockets, staring at Andrew.

"Yeah, actually...we know each other, Gaby," Andrew said.

"Oh, well, then, perfect! I'll leave you two to it."

Gaby was really dense sometimes.

Aaron walked up and stood next to Andrew. He stared at the painting in front of them.

"'Abstractions of Death,' huh?"

Andrew gave a tenuous smile.

"Yeah, pretty ridiculous, right?"

"Yeah."

Aaron looked over at Andrew.

All he wanted to do was kiss him. He missed him so much.

"You wanna get out of here, maybe get some coffee or something?" Andrew asked. "I'm not really one for the art here."

Well, that was unexpected.

Aaron smiled.

"You don't drink coffee, remember? You're too hyper already."

"I can get hot chocolate," Andrew smiled back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were lying on top of Aaron's bed, fully clothed.

They'd left the gallery right after Andrew had suggested coffee. Gaby could barely contain the glee on her face.

Catching up had been easy. They had both laughed, a lot. They'd each forgotten how much they missed each other. Or maybe they were just letting themselves remember for the first time in a while. Now that they were alone together, though, there was still the underlying tension – the memory of how they'd last left things. They were silent.

Andrew was staring at the ceiling. Aaron was propped up on his elbow, staring at Andrew and tracing patterns in the comforter.

"Andrew, I – "

Andrew tried to interrupt him. Andrew didn't know how he'd let himself get here, again. He'd been kicking himself all night. A louder, larger part had kicked back though. This night had made him happy – for the first time in a long time, he was really happy.

"No, no. Let me finish, please?"

Andrew nodded.

"I just wanted to tell you...for the past months, ever since that night, I kept on replaying our fight over and over in our mind. I thought I'd get over you eventually but, I just...can't. I don't have an excuse for what I did or how I acted. I was drunk, and stupid and jealous for no reason. And scared, scared of what we were becoming, I guess. None of those are excuses though. I'm so sorry."

Andrew had stopped looking at the ceiling and was staring at Aaron now. Aaron was looking down at the blanket. He looked up.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?"

Andrew was startled. He hadn't really expected that to be the main question on Aaron's mind.

"I don't know, I mean...I guess I didn't want you to think I was pathetic, or something. Twenty-two is a little late, you know? I didn't want you to feel bad for me. I didn't want..."

Andrew exhaled. Gave up trying to explain. He turned on his side to face Aaron. Aaron replied,

"If you had told me I would have tried, I would have made it special, better...different."

Aaron felt so guilty. Not only had he taken Andrew's virginity and probably lasted about 15 minutes shorter than he would have liked, but he'd been a total asshole to him afterwards. He swallowed back the lump in his throat.

"It was special. It was special to me." Andrew reached out and touched Aaron's cheek. Andrew was crying now. Not the ugly type of crying, just a couple of tears trickling down his cheek and landing on the bed below.

Aaron reached out, tentatively wrapped an arm around Andrew's waist and dragged him across the bed towards him. He put his arms around him, tucked Andrew's head beneath his chin.

"I missed you so much, Andrew."

Andrew just clutched Aaron, pulled them even closer together.

They fell asleep like that, on top of the bed with all their clothes still on. They didn't even brush their teeth. They always joked about their morning breath after that.

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June 13, 2007

They'd been dating for nine months now. Well, re-dating for 9 months. Andrew had joked that it was just enough time for them to give birth to the demonic baby that was their relationship.

Aaron thought it was time. They were lying on Aaron's couch. The credits to Beauty and the Beast were rolling by. Aaron shut off the TV, sat up so Andrew wasn't lying on his chest anymore, more like sitting in his lap.

"Hey, babe?"

Andrew smiled at him. He always loved when Aaron called him that, even though he'd sworn he hated pet names before.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you ever talk about who you were with before me? I mean, I feel like I've given you my whole sordid history. And it's pretty sordid. Why can't you tell me about yours?"

Andrew grimaced, gave a half smile.

He sighed. He knew this moment would come eventually. He was pretty proud of himself for managing to put it off for nine months.

"Well, hmm, where to begin." Andrew looked for something in the room to fixate on, so he could focus on that while he got the story out. He felt like it always helped.

"I guess there's really only one story to tell.

"I was a sophomore. I was at a frat party, Lauren dragged me to it. Anyway, I was pretty drunk by the end of the night. Even though I hated to admit it at the time it was pretty fun. I was walking towards the bathrooms when this guy came up behind me and put his arm around me. He started going into this weird rant at me...about how I thought I was too cool for him.

"Apparently he had been in my hall freshman year, in the dorms. I remembered him then. I remember thinking how hot he was those first couple of weeks of school."

Aaron winced. He didn't really like hearing that part of the story, but, whatever.

"Anyway, he kept on going on and on about how I never spent any time in the dorms back then. I was surprised he even remembered me. Little did he know I was trying to escape my freshman year roommate, the asshole. But, anyway, he wheedled me into the bathroom, still talking. He shut the door and locked it, dragged me into a stall and just started making out with me. At this point I'd only ever been kissed a couple of times before, in high school, so I just tried to go with it. He kept on whispering things to me, cute things, about how he'd been watching me freshman year, how I was the cutest gay guy he'd ever seen, blah, blah, blah.

"I thought at the time that it'd just be a one time thing. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, so I figured, what the hell, he was probably just drunk right? Well, it turned out that Lauren had hooked up with someone that same night too. Someone she ended up really liking. Needless to say I was dragged back to the frat many times after that."

Andrew shifted his eyes back to Aaron, made brief eye contact. Aaron nodded. He went on.

"His name was Scotty. We kept on hooking up for the rest of that year. It was just drunken at first, but pretty soon he was sneaking me around, texting me when I'd be studying and he'd be coming home from a night out. Meanwhile, he was still hooking up with girls. At least, that's what Lauren told me. I was dumb, I liked the attention so I let him toy with me. Sometimes he could be so nice. I knew that he'd never come out, but, it was my first...anything. I wasn't really thinking clearly, I guess."

Andrew sighed.

"So, that continued for a while. Over the summer we didn't see each other since I went back home, but when we came back junior year we started right where we left off. I guess I had grown a backbone or something over the summer, because I started telling him that I wouldn't just sneak around with him all the time. Maybe being back at home, feeling free for a while had given me time to clear my head. I don't know.

"He was apologetic at first, said he'd make it up to me. But then he'd just start getting angry. Frustrated."

Andrew looked down at his lap. Started toying with the button on his shirt.

"Anyway, one night, he wanted to have sex. This was a pretty big step, for him and me. Before that, gay sex had always freaked him out. He told me he watched some porn and changed his mind. When we were in the moment though, in his bed, I just couldn't do it. We were both a little drunk. It wasn't really how I had envisioned losing my virginity. Not to him. Not to some guy that I was practically invisible to when I wasn't sucking his dick."

Andrew was taken aback by the bitterness he heard in his own voice. He kept staring at his lap.

"I told him I changed my mind. He freaked. He started getting angry, asking me why he wasn't good enough for me, why I always acted like such a slut before and now was getting prude."

Andrew felt his voice waver.

"I told him that we were over. That I couldn't take it anymore. That set him off. When he grabbed me I pushed him away. He punched me. Started calling me a fag. He kicked me in the stomach a couple of times. Then all of a sudden he just stopped hitting me – just sat on his bed. I took my chance and left. I ended up with a broken nose and a fractured rib."

Andrew tapped the bump on his nose.

"They told me they could fix it with plastic surgery. I said I would keep it. I kinda like how it looks anyway."

Andrew smiled a little. The button was barely attached to his shirt now.

"Luckily it was just a hairline fracture in my rib. I was lucky, too, that no one saw me limping out of the frat. I can't imagine what would have happened then.

"I told my parents I got mugged."

Andrew let out a watery sigh.

"After that I pretty much swore myself to celibacy. I was so scared. I couldn't even be alone in my room unless the door was locked. Pretty pathetic, huh?"

He was still looking at his lap. The button had fallen off. He settled for absentmindedly scratching his fingers together, rubbing the button in his palm.

"I guess that all changed when I met you. I really didn't think it would, but...it did."

He looked up at Aaron for a second. He was afraid he might lose it. Andrew hugged him tightly, looked at the blank wall beyond him.

Aaron didn't think he'd breathed once during the entire story. He finally let himself relax, clutching Andrew to his chest. He turned his head into Andrew's neck, resting it in the crook between his shoulder and chin.

"I love you," Aaron said.

Andrew cried then. He felt the tears spilling down his cheek. Why was he always crying? God, he was a baby. He let Aaron's words wash over him though. They hadn't said it to each other yet. Both of them knew it, but they just hadn't said it.

"I love you, too." Andrew smiled, shut his eyes, and let himself drift.

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October 17, 2007

"You look great."

Aaron straightened his collar again.

Andrew chuckled.

"No, seriously, you do. You look great."

"What if they don't like me?" Aaron whined.

Andrew had never seen him like this.

"Have you ever heard me on the phone with my mom? You listened to her reaction when I told her she was going to meet you. She practically tried to eat the phone she was so excited."

Alright, so that was true. She had sounded pretty excited.

"Well, what about your dad?"

"My dad will love you too. He doesn't show it very well, but he couldn't hate you if he tried. I love you, and they know that. And that's what's important."

They were pulling up to Andrew's house now. Andrew got out of the driver's seat. Aaron was still sitting in the car. Andrew smiled to himself.

"Seriously, Aaron? They're just my parents!"

"Yeah, just your parents. Easy for you to say," Aaron muttered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrew was right. They had loved him. After Andrew's mom ran out of the house and almost tackled Aaron, yelling something about finally getting to meet him after a whole YEAR (she yelled that in Andrew's direction), and Andrew's dad had shook his hand, smiling, before pulling Aaron into an awkward hug, everything had been easy. Almost too easy.

Aaron suddenly understood where Andrew got most of his personality traits. Besides the slight, residual insecurity that still lingered from his past, Andrew was a perfect amalgamation of his parents. He got his bouncing energy from his mom, his warm, caring compassion from his dad, and his sarcasm from them both.

They were sitting on the couch now. Andrew's mom was fiddling with her iPhone.

"Mom, can you please put that away? We're talking here!"

"Sorry, sorry honey, you know how I love to text now that you taught me."

Andrew rolled his eyes and smiled.

That was another thing Aaron admired about Andrew. When he was with you, he was with you. Aaron couldn't think of very many times when Andrew had so much as texted when they were together. Sure, when it was an emergency or when Aaron was in the bathroom. But when they were together, on dates? Just lying in bed? Never. Aaron felt a little guilty, thinking to how he was sometimes glued to his phone. People in high school used to call him 'one-track.' He wasn't very good at multitasking. He grabbed Andrew's hand. Squeezed it.

They sat like that for a while longer, talking and drinking wine. Andrew made an exaggerated yawning motion.

"Looks like someone's ready for bed," Aaron said.

"Now, now, you two, no funny business." Andrew's mom winked at Aaron.

Later, at the end of the weekend, when they were lying in bed, dreading the long drive back down to Los Angeles the next day, Aaron just blurted it out.

"Will you move in with me?"

He paused.

"I know it's kind of early, you know, only a year, but I -"

Andrew squealed and jumped at him, pinning him to the bed. Andrew kissed him long and hard, gripping the back of Aaron's neck, pulling him close to him and straddling him with his thighs.

"Of course," he breathed.

Aaron bit his lip and smiled.

"We might have to find a new place though. I'm thinking," Andrew did an exaggerated pensive face, "two bedrooms, Santa Monica?"

"It sounds perfect," Aaron replied. "We can look at places once we get back to the city."

Andrew suddenly looked serious. "Does this mean we have keep that couch?"

Aaron smiled. "We definitely have to keep that couch. It's my lucky couch!"

"How can a couch even be lucky? It's awful."

"It was lucky for me. You slept on it, remember?"

"Corrrrrnnyyyyyy," Andrew replied. He was grinning.

************************************************************************************

December 05, 2011

Andrew was pissing him off again.

He was rambling, animatedly talking about something Aaron didn't even care about.

"- I mean, what is the peak time for PB&J's anyway? I think any time after 7:00 is way too late to eat one, by nature they're a daytime food, if you think about -"

Aaron looked up from his iPhone and interrupted him.

"Jesus, do you ever shut the fuck up?"

That was probably harsher than it needed to be.

Andrew smile disappeared. He shut his mouth and got a vacant expression on his face.

Aaron tried to make a joke out of it. He chuckled a little.

"Seriously, Andrew, what drove you to grace me with this particular rant?"

Andrew didn't get the joke.

"I don't know, Aaron, maybe if you talked to me once in a while."

Andrew looked away.

"Really?" Aaron replied.

Andrew didn't say anything.

Aaron looked back at his iPhone, pretended not to notice Andrew was getting misty eyed.

Andrew got up and walked into their bedroom.

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January 13, 2012

"I think we should have an open relationship."

Aaron was never very good at tact.

Andrew was turned on his side, facing away from Aaron.

He was silent.

Aaron continued.

"I mean, I just feel like we've gotten so routine, you know? I'd only want to do it if we both wanted to. I'm just...kinda bored. I don't know."

Andrew kept looking at the wall.

He was still silent.

"I guess bored isn't the right word, I've just been feeling like – "

Andrew cut him off.

"Okay," he said.

His voice was cold.

Aaron paused.

"Okay," he replied.

He turned on his side, facing the other direction.

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March 15, 2012

Aaron couldn't get anyone to tell him where Andrew was. Andrew's parents were cordial but firm. They told him repeatedly they hadn't spoken to Andrew since he'd called them, shaken about his and Aaron's relationship.

He thought about calling Jamie, but over the years she'd come to adore Andrew. She'd probably just yell at him. He felt alone.

Aaron kept feeling more and more lost. Lauren wouldn't even pick up his calls. He knew she was the key. Even though Andrew and her had stopped seeing as much of each other after college she was still his best friend - besides Aaron, at least. She would know, she had to.

But she wouldn't talk to him.

He wandered around in a daze for a couple of weeks. Andrew still hadn't come back to pick up the rest of his stuff. It had looked like he had packed in a hurry. Taken all the essentials. He'd left some things too, though. He had taken a framed picture of him and Aaron. Aaron remembered the picture. They were smiling, Aaron standing behind Andrew, arms wrapped around his chest. Andrew had kept it in his apartment before they had moved in together. At least he had taken that. That gave Aaron hope, as long as it wasn't sitting in a dumpster or an incinerator somewhere.

The more Aaron thought about it, the angrier he got. Andrew still hadn't responded to any of his messages or calls, he must have left him dozens of voicemails. He still hadn't even talked to Aaron about what to do with Bella. That got to him. The logistics of dealing with who got their dog – that made it so real. He remembered the first day they got her, a year and a half ago. Back when they'd been happy. No one had warned him that they might have to have a custody dispute over her someday.