Glimpses

God, he was so angry.

But, over the weeks when Andrew ignored him, he was given time to think. Once he got past the anger, he was just overcome with an overwhelming sadness. And guilt. He was the reason Andrew had left. He was the one who had ignored him – let stupid, meaningless things become more important than him. He was the one who let his priorities go. It had just become so easy, so routine. He'd lost Andrew somewhere in that routine. They'd lost each other.

He had to get him back.

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March 20, 2012

Lauren finally returned his calls – three weeks to the day after Andrew left. Aaron wondered if she had planned that. She was always one for theatrics. Aaron hoped he hadn't ruined the friendship he had formed with her over the years of dating Andrew. He would need it if this was going to work.

Aaron picked up on the second ring. "Lauren!" He almost shouted.

"Hey, Aaron."

She sounded cold. Flat.

"Hey – "

Aaron didn't really know where to begin.

"Andrew just left to get groceries. He's been staying with me. He'd kill me if he knew I was talking to you right now. I just can't see him like this anymore. He needs closure from you, Aaron."

"Closure?" What the fuck was that supposed to mean? That they were over? That there was no hope? How does a person even get 'closure?' Aaron tried not to get mad.

"I've been trying to contact him, Lauren. Every, single day. He's been ignoring me." Aaron couldn't help but sound bitter.

Lauren sighed.

"I know, Aaron. Look – I don't think you were ever good for him. Ever good enough for him. I think he needs to move on. I think he just needs to see you one last time, maybe realize that you aren't the knight in shining armor he keeps remembering you as."

Aaron couldn't help but wonder if Lauren had played a part in Andrew ignoring him this far. Who the fuck was she to decide what Andrew needed, what he deserved? That was up to Andrew. And Aaron. He wasn't giving up without a fight.

He steeled his voice.

"Okay. What's your idea, then?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lauren didn't feel good about ambushing Andrew like this, especially at a club. He would have never agreed to meet Aaron if she had suggested it though. How did he expect to get over him if he wouldn't even talk to him? What did he think, that he could just leave a note and run away? At least this way, even if Andrew was pissed at her afterwards, he'd have some sense of closure. She hated using that word, but what else was she supposed to call it? She'd just sit with him at the club, maybe take her leave if some hot guy came and hit on Andrew, and wait for Aaron to show up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrew wondered again why he'd let himself get dragged here. He was 27-years-old and he felt like he was ancient. Who was passing out fake IDs like candy these days? He swore he just saw a 16-year-old walk by. And where the fuck was Lauren? He fiddled with the lime on his drink. She had told him he needed to get out, needed to start moving on.

He didn't want to move on. He couldn't imagine his life without Aaron. He just couldn't stand being second in his life anymore. Second to everything else, his job, his fucking iPhone, second to the random sex Aaron was so desperate to have that he would actually suggest an open relationship. Andrew was still pissed about that one.

He remembered one time when they had argued about it – towards the end. Aaron had asked Andrew if Andrew was content having only ever really been with one guy. Andrew told him he was. Aaron had scoffed at him, like it was the most absurd thing in the world. "Right, so that's why we haven't fucked in a week, right?" Aaron had asked. Andrew had to give him that, at least. They hadn't. Andrew just couldn't really get his sex drive back up. Not after everything that had happened. Not after they had started disintegrating. He couldn't tell which had come first – the sadness, the tumult in their relationship – or the lack of sex, but it didn't matter now, they were so entwined it was pointless trying to figure it out. He went back to fiddling with the lime.

He just wanted things to go back – back to the way they were. They had been so happy. Why did life have to get in the way? Why couldn't they just freeze a moment and live in it forever? Andrew thought about when they went to the zoo – when a giraffe had leaned its neck over the railing, tried to eat some of Aaron's hair when they were posing for a picture. Andrew called him 'hayhead' for the whole day after that. "Hey, hayhead!" They had made out in the car like teenagers in the parking lot afterwards. They had still had cotton candy on their faces.

Why couldn't they just pick a time and stay that way – never get angry or mean or sad? He knew he was being childish. He let himself ask why anyway.

Lauren was finally walking back to the table. She had a mischievous look in her eye.

"So, I made a special request for you, and hottie DJ over there thinks you're fiiiiineeeeeeeeee!"

She pointed in the direction of the DJ booth. A guy gave him a thumbs up. He was hot. Not really Andrew's type, though.

Andrew shrugged.

"Oh, come on! Just wait till you hear what I requested!"

The song that had been playing was ending. "Bounce" by Calvin Harris came on. Andrew loved this song, back when its lyrics weren't so close to home.

I can't believe it, every day and every night

It's gettin' better with you outta my life

It's like I flicked a switch and now I'm feeling good

No way to stop it, now you wish that you could

When the weekend comes I know I'll feel alive

You will be the last thing on my mind

No regrets, do you know what that means?

Lauren grinned at him expectantly. She meant well, she really did. She just didn't understand. Andrew half-smiled at her, waved at the DJ when he looked over again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron entered the club hesitantly. Almost like he didn't belong there. Jesus, he was either getting really old or the drinking age had just been lowered to 18. He tried to grapple his way through the sweating mass of people. A guy tried to dance with him. He practically shoved him off. He finally made it to the bar. He turned around and tried to scan the crowd. He still hadn't texted Lauren like he told her he would. He didn't want her fucking things up.

He saw Andrew, then. Sitting alone, playing with his drink. He looked so amazing. Aaron forgot how handsome Andrew really was. He had started taking it for granted, over the years, he guessed. Forgetting that the guys he was checking out at the gym and on the street were nothing compared to what he had at home. What he could have had forever. Aaron felt sadness overcome him. Overwhelming sadness. He ordered a beer. He had to plan this. He had to make this work.

He spotted Lauren, then. She was making her way back to the booth Andrew was in. She was grinning. She was going to be his biggest obstacle tonight, that was for sure. Besides convincing Andrew to take him back.

"Bounce" by Calvin Harris started playing. No, no, no. This song could not be playing right now. Aaron knew it was one of Andrew's favorite dance songs. He also knew that its lyrical message was not what he wanted Andrew to hear right now.

He made his way over to the DJ booth.

"Hey!"

The DJ was staring into the crowd in Andrew's direction.

"Hey!" Aaron repeated.

The DJ looked over at him.

"Can I make a request?"

The DJ didn't smile back.

"Sure," he replied.

"'Milkshake'?"

The DJ laughed at him.

"You've gotta be kidding, man. No way."

Aaron shook his head. "Fine. 'Waiting for Tonight'?"

The DJ laughed again. "What is this, the 90's? No way. Sorry, dude."

Aaron idly wondered if the DJ knew when "Milkshake" was even released. He also wondered how the DJ would have reacted if it had been Andrew making the requests.

Aaron thought on his feet. Okay. So the guy wanted contemporary. He could do that.

"Okay, whatever man. How about "Drowning" by Armin Van Buuren?"

The DJ nodded at him.

"I can do that."

"The Avicii Remix!" Aaron yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, I know the one." The DJ shrugged him off.

Aaron went back to the bar to finish his beer. He had to time this perfectly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrew noticed the guy checking him out. He looked kind of like Aaron. Blonde hair, blue eyes, strong jaw. Maybe that was the reason Andrew was returning his glances. He came over to the table, asked Lauren if he could sit next to her.

Lauren got a gleam in her eye. "No, no, I was just about to go to the ladies' room, here, take my seat."

The guy sat down. In the light Andrew could see he didn't look like Aaron at all. Not really. He was just some imitation. He tried to keep the pleasant look on his face.

"I love this song!" the guy shouted.

"Yeah, me too," Andrew replied.

Andrew went back to looking at his drink. He wasn't trying to be rude.

"I'm James." The guy held his hand out.

"Andrew."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, now his plan was fucking shot. Some blonde had swooped in on Andrew while Aaron was chugging his beer, waiting for the song to change. Shit, when was this fucking song gonna be over?

He looked over at the DJ booth. He waited some more.

He could finally tell the song was close to ending.

His request came on. At least the DJ had listened to him. It was now or never.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck, this song reminded him of Aaron.

Rush, pull me under

The world is at my feet and it's no wonder

Your eyes speak to me

They tell me be calm

They tell me be strong

Swimming out so deep

Now I can't breathe

And it's exactly where I belong

He remembered dancing with Aaron to this song. That had been a good night.

He looked up from his drink. He must have been seeing double. Pseudo-Aaron was standing next to a not so pseudo Aaron. Fuck. That was Aaron. The real Aaron.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron had timed it perfectly. He walked up to the table right when the chorus had started. It was probably the first thing that had gone his way over the past three weeks.

'Cause it feels like the ride of a lifetime

And nothing's gonna save us now

Let the waves come crashing down

'Cause it feels like I'm right for the first time

And every time I take you in

I feel my heart skip a beat again

I'm drowning in your love.

Andrew had looked up right at the perfect moment. Right when it said "take you in." Aaron thanked the fucking universe. He knew Andrew loved this romantic stuff. It was practically fate. This was going really, really well so far. Now all he had to do was get rid of blondie. And talk to Andrew. He hoped the universe liked him for a little while longer.

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Aaron was whispering something into what's-his-name's ear. What's-his-name got a weird look on his face, looked at Andrew and scampered away. Andrew didn't really want to know what Aaron had said to him.

Aaron sat down at the table across from him, put his elbows up and gave Andrew a tenuous smile.

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Lauren was standing at the bar, staring at Andrew and Aaron from across the club. She shrugged to herself. At least they were talking. She hadn't meant to be so harsh to Aaron on the phone, she just hated seeing Andrew unhappy. She just wanted to see the old him come back. She felt like she hadn't seen that Andrew in a while.

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Aaron decided it was his turn to ramble for once.

"Andrew, I love you. I love you so much."

What a way to start, right? When Andrew just kept staring at his drink, Aaron dove right in.

"I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I...I forgot what was important. I let all the bullshit get in the way...of us. I let it all get in the way of the most important thing in my life. You've always been the most important thing in my life – I just lost sight of that. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for being such an idiot. I'm so sorry for not doing more. You were always there for me and I didn't see that – I didn't understand how rare that is, to get to have someone like you in my life. "

Andrew paused, considered Aaron for a moment.

"Aaron – it's just...you're remembering this all wrong. You make it sound like you're the only one who's to blame. I'm to blame too. I was needy, whiny, dramatic. Maybe I just expected too much. But it was both of us. Don't make me sound perfect or something. I wasn't. I'm not."

"You were perfect .You are perfect. You're perfect to me."

Andrew looked back down at his drink. He couldn't hide the small smile though.

Aaron loved saying things like this to Andrew. He loved the look in Andrew's eyes. He was always jealous that Andrew was such a romantic – could let the world in so much that he could dream and swoon and feel. He'd never admit that though.

He realized, then, that he wasn't just saying it for Andrew's sake. He hadn't ever really been saying it just for Andrew's sake. He believed it too. Somewhere along the road, when Andrew had been lying on his shoulder, or sitting on his lap, or hogging all the popcorn in the movies, or taking Aaron's phone away when he wouldn't stop texting when they were together, or showing him funny videos of cats – somewhere along the way, in the everyday, the ordinary – in the midst of all those little events that he took for granted, that he thought didn't matter – he had become a romantic too.

All those days he had just thrown away, all those glimpses of their relationship that he would never get back – could never get back. How many days had he sat with Andrew by his side, not giving him all that he could? And now he was sitting with Andrew again, and he had lost him. And all he wanted was for him to be back. For them to have the everyday – the ordinary. He could live with that – he could live with routine because, for the first time, he wasn't looking at it as a routine anymore. Every day with Andrew was different – just like that fucking cowlick of his – every day was different because every day they were different. Every day together they grew a little more, became a little more like each other. Every day they were caught in the middle of this fantastic fucking relationship – this relationship that had lasted five years and made Aaron happier than he'd ever been. And he'd thrown it all away.

Well, fuck this. He wasn't throwing it away anymore.

He didn't know how to convey that all to Andrew though. Not with words, anyway. He never was the articulate one.

He reached across the table, grabbed the back of Andrew's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was gentle. Slow. He pulled away, rested his forehead against Andrew's.

"Do you wanna get out of here?" Aaron asked.

"Are you sure you won't get too bored?" Andrew replied. He couldn't help it. He knew it was immature, but he just needed more. More reassurance, he guessed. He felt like he was surrendering too easily. But, weren't they past that now? All the stupid games of who gives in to whom? He hoped so. The past three weeks had been torture for him. Moping around Lauren's in a daze.

Aaron felt another stab of guilt. How could he have ever said that to Andrew? That he was getting bored? Why had he chosen the most extreme route, suggesting an open relationship when, if he had just been paying attention, he wouldn't have been bored at all?

"How could I ever get bored with you?"

His voice trembled a little. He hoped Andrew heard how much he meant it.

"Besides, it's definitely not boring watching your face while I fuck you."

Aaron gave him a huge smile.

Andrew leaned back – pretended to be scandalized.

They ended up just cuddling that night.

The morning after was probably the best sex of Aaron's life, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They both agreed after that that they would start taking it one day at a time – going slow. Rekindling what was there before.

It was working. Gestures of affection, time to sit around and do nothing with each other, lots and lots and lots of sex. Everything they had before. One day at a time.

But Aaron had decided that they would always take it one day at a time – from now on, he was never going to let the days run together, not like he did before. He didn't tell Andrew that – Andrew already lived his life that way, he figured. Aaron took each day as a challenge. How could he make Andrew happy? How could he make him smile? Smile the way Andrew made Aaron smile?

Aaron loved a challenge.

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September 22, 2022

Andrew had stopped carrying around Aaron's note in his wallet, the one he had written him in that psychology class 16 years ago. He and Aaron had put it in a little frame, placed it on the nightstand. Aaron's note in front, and behind it, the note Andrew had written Aaron. The one when he had tried to say goodbye.

They knew they were being sentimental, but neither of them cared. It was good to have them there, right by the bed. They were glimpses, two small glimpses of their relationship, the one thing they would always have together, the one thing that had changed and shaped each of their lives so much.

They lied in bed that night, exhausted from moving all of the new furniture into the baby's room, testing the baby monitor by doing Darth Vader impressions back and forth to each other.

They laughed so hard they thought they might lose feeling in their stomachs. They paused. Aaron looked over at Andrew.

"I love you," he said. He must have said it hundreds of thousands of times by now. Each time he said it though, he tried to think about it. Think about what it really meant. Why he really meant it. He didn't have to think for very long.

Andrew smiled back at him.

"Eh, you're alright. Kinda boring though. You're nothing compared to this guy I once knew, anyway. I never did find out his name. I'll always remember him as Cocky Hot Guy, though."

Andrew's smile turned into a grin.