All Comments on 'Glittering Green, Glowing Gold'

Very realistic... you caught the feeling of Chicago exactly. Can't wait to read more.

Thanks

I just love to read storys from people who are this great with words!!

I wish I could give 4.9! (Although that makes it sound like an ice-skating competition doesn't it?!)

I have to say from this first submission, I think you might well be a brilliant writer. The way you play with words is poetic and beautiful. The way that you wrote most of this story was very inspiring to me. Your descritions are beautiful - eg reading about Parker heading off early morning to the lake shore and sitting at the lake side and composing was so well done. I felt bowled over by so much of this story (including the song lyrics and the spoken word), but then right at the end, to me it became much more jarring (I am being very picky here, however!)

I'm not going to say it's not real that Diana suddenly says, finish off in my mouth, and then goes and spits it out because she can't stand the taste. Or that Parker, leaves saying, well I'm not playing tonight, so not quite sure when I'll see you next, but hopefully soon (paraphrasing here, but that's what if felt like, reading it after reading the rest of the story before this). It just felt a bit of a stark ending, after your beautiful writing and the caring feelings they'd been having for each other before. Why didn't they arrange to meet again after all that?

That is reality, but it felt like the end of the story. If you have more to write, I'll be over the moon - REALLY can't wait to read more of your writing. I think you're great!

it was a nice story but you almost ruined it with a black guy talking dialect. the only reference to race was for the attacker. it would of been better just to say it was a big guy and let the reader furnish the details.

for your impossible measurements for the two men. It would have been worth a five if the people involved were normal, not monstrosities. For that, I have to give you a three, which is too bad because the story was good.

So good, interesting style that was falling nicely into place but... I wish you wouldn't have made the stereotypical mistakes of: 'big black rapist' (and little blond victim), cops that couldn't be bothered (you beat someone into a coma and they don't get your address or statement or taken to the station and the ER yourself); I'd also think that if she just was nearly raped and it included forced oral sex, she might not be initiating the act, especially being college aged. (Maybe I'm overanalyzing due to professional experience that isn't something most people have.)

You gave us Chicago and a good picture of the main characters. Other than what some may consider my pet peeves, very well done.

You can tell a story well, and with a good feeling for locale. The rape scene is clichéd, the race angle was trite (I know you can do better), and the measurements are overdone. You also have some mechanical lapses, but I was enjoying the Parker and Diana characters and the Chicago background too much to quibble. Awaiting your next. Strong debut.

I gave this a give, because I think your writing is quite good -- few if any technical errors. There were little things, like constant references to "the young man" at the start. I admit I rolled my eyes at the big black rapist, as well as the size of his equipment. However, I think overall it worked, so good job. :)

Sorry -- I gave it a Five. :) It's late, hence the typo.

Thanks for all your comments, everyone! This is my first experience writing erotica, and I'm excited beyond belief at all the positive feedback (six people have marked this as one of their favorite stories...WHAT????). What excites me even more, perhaps, is that the negative feedback is so specific and consistent. You've given me specific things to fix in my next submission, and that's what a writer like me needs in order to make himself better. Thanks again to everyone who's given my story a read, and especially everyone who's commented. My next submission is forthcoming!

You captured Chicago in words, and you did a great job of it.

I enjoyed the story and am looking forward to the next one.