Grief

No one needed to bring up Marilyn's and Ray's situation. That had been cemented by their sixth Friday night date. When Ray told her that all his roommates were gone for the weekend to follow the football team on an away game, Marilyn suggested they take advantage of the situation.

"Are you sure about this, Marilyn?" Ray asked as they stared at one another in the quiet dorm room. The significance of the portending event was overwhelming. Marilyn nervously was almost ready to rescind her offer when Ray continued to speak.

"I want to let you know that I have never done this before. I mean, I know how from listening to other guys talking, but I need this to be perfect for you, Marilyn. I love you, Marilyn. I've been in love with you from the first time I saw you. And I'll always be in love with you. Whether you decide, yes or no, I'll still love you and want you forever."

The sincerity of Ray's expression was all that was needed to melt the lingering doubts from Marilyn. She had listened to so many horror stories from her roommates about guys professing their love and once they got a piece of ass, dumping them. Marilyn was resolved that would never happen to her.

Now, her boyfriend had not only said the "L" word first, but he was giving her an out. All she had to do was back down and life would continue as it had. Suddenly, Marilyn knew what she wanted. She didn't want to look back later in life and see this as a "what if" moment. Ray announced his commitment to her and she had felt the same for him. It was time.

She leaned forward and softly kissed him and began to undress. Ray nervously watched for a few seconds and then clumsily began to shed his clothes. When they were stripped to their underwear, Marilyn crawled into the small bed. Ray turned out the light and followed Marilyn.

Kissing and blindly groping one another escalated the passion. Soon the underwear was discarded as the fire continued to grow. Blindly on top of Marilyn, Ray moved into position. He reached down, desperately hoping to find his way into Marilyn. Marilyn wondered if she should guide him when by happenstance the penis found her vagina.

Her gasp gave proof to Ray that finally he was doing something right. Marilyn held her breath as the engorged penis slid into her. The discomfort...the pain...why did she agree to this. In a moment, the pressure on her hymen disappeared and the pain and discomfort eased. Marilyn realized that her virginity was gone as the penis slid deeper and deeper into her.

Ray was continuing to whisper his love for her as her tears stopped from falling unnoticed by Ray. As Ray inexpertly continued on, they clumsily fell into a rhythm. Ray was excited by the warm moist sensation of being inside Marilyn. Finally, he was finding out what this mystery was about. Due to his excitement he couldn't last long. A mere five minutes and he was climaxing.

Then it was a matter of declaring his love to Marilyn over and over in the darkness. Thanks to the gift of youth, Ray was able to get an erection three more times during the night and Marilyn accommodated his needs. When the sun rose, Ray was softly caressing Marilyn as she slumbered. When she woke, the smile on her face rewarded Ray and alleviated his concerns.

After that weekend, Ray and Marilyn's priority were to one another as they fleshed out their relationship. What puzzled their friends was the couple were not cookie cutting identical twins. They argued politics; they debated art; they had different musical tastes. One friend summed it up best, "The only thing the two of you have in common is each other!"

That was enough. Ray invited Marilyn to go home with him during the Thanksgiving break and endured all the jibes at his expense as Marilyn charmed his family. At Christmas, he flew out with Marilyn to her parent's house and endured their inspection. They continued to alternate holidays and breaks throughout their college careers and were welcomed fixtures in both households. It was no surprise that after graduation Ray asked Marilyn to wait on him as he entered law school.

She followed him and moved in with him as Ray delved into the Socratic legal education. When he passed the bar, both families were joined in a celebration party when he went down on one knee to ask her to marry him. Marilyn's father smiled at his daughter's excited acceptance. While he was old fashioned enough not to be 100% on board when his daughter began living with Ray. Ray still respected him enough to ask for her hand in marriage before he proposed. His daughter could have done a lot worse.

********************************

For better or worse, that is what I vowed when I married Ray, Marilyn thought as they waited for another stoplight. I was so ready to accept the better, but when it came time for the worst I certainly showed my true colors. Well, it is too late to turn back the clock, she thought miserably, I lost him and I have nobody to blame but myself.

The funny thing is I never saw it coming. First, came the little pep talks in John's office. Then, it escalated to going out to lunch with him. Then, every now and then they would go have an after work drink. Oh, it was all innocuous. Other people were included on most of the get togethers and John never tried to say or do anything in private.

He still remained as a sounding board while I vented. He never tried to belittle Ray while I vented my pain and frustration over Rachel. He always gave me good advice to keep communicating with Ray. But that was easier said than done as time went on.

Then came that lunch where it was just the two of us. I was having a particular bad day and was close to losing it. John took me to a quiet restaurant and sat and listened while I vented for an entire afternoon. He reached and held my hand as I explained the pain I was undergoing. When it came time to leave, he gave me a hug, as a sign of empathy before I drove home. I was happy that I had a friend I could talk to.

Marilyn got home and steeled herself to start caring for Rachel. Ray and she were in agreement that Rachel came first. Whatever else was bothering them would end when they set foot in the house. They would tend and care for their daughter and deal with the minor stuff later.

That night Ray didn't come home till midnight. She began worrying after it got to seven p.m. It was his practice that he would call if he was working late. When Rachel asked where her daddy was she told her daughter he was working late, but he would look in on her after she went to sleep. She began calling him and the phone went to voice mail. She kept leaving messages, but she didn't get a call back.

When he arrived home from his taxi ride, Marilyn was seething. His suit was disheveled and he was reeking of whiskey. She started to light in on him, all the while trying to keep the noise level down not to disturb Rachel's sleep.

He tried to stand erect, but the liquor was making that impossible when he point blanked asked if she was having an affair with John Tullos. Without waiting for an answer he staggered upstairs and spent a moment just watching Rachel sleep. Then he went to the guest bedroom and shut the door behind him.

The next morning, Marilyn was busy preparing breakfast when a hungover Ray stumbled into the kitchen. By way of greeting him, she dropped his plate of food haphazardly in front of him. When he realized that no fork, knife, or spoon would be forthcoming; not to mention a cup of coffee he sighed and got up to tend to those matters. Finally as he sat down, he watched as Marilyn made no sign of noticing him as she furiously chewed her food.

She wolfed down her breakfast and got up and noisily dropped her plate into the sink. Then she began to walk out of the kitchen. Right when she got to the doorway, she spun around and said, "You want to tell me what the hell brought that on?"

Ray wasn't sure if the accusatory treatment was any better than the silent treatment. Still he replied, "Yesterday, while you were getting all comfy with your boss at lunch, one of the senior partners at the firm spotted the two of you. He thought I would like to see what my wife was up to. Imagine my surprise when I saw my wife holding hands with another man on the photos he took with his smart phone. Not to mention the really good shot of the two of you hugging. Yeah, that really made my day!"

Dropping the sarcasm, Ray continued, "It was bad enough knowing that the jackass would take the photos to every single partner in the firm and use it as ammo to keep me from being made partner. But, the real icing on the cake was getting sick to my stomach at the very idea that the woman that I have loved from the moment I first set eyes on her looking at another man like you used to look at me."

The soul wrenching despair in Ray's voice tore at Marilyn's heart as he continued.

"So, I spent the rest of the afternoon sheltered in my office; not taking any calls, not doing any work. I just sat there with my whole world being turned upside down...again."

"Ray, I'm sorry! I was having a bad day and John suggested we have lunch. All he is to me is being my friend. All the body contact was just a way of showing empathy from him. I was upset and he kept telling me that I needed to talk to you.

Believe it or not, John has gone out of his way telling me that I needed to understand how all this is hurting you as well. Every time we talk he is asking me how you are doing. You don't have to be afraid of him, Ray! Most of the times he takes your side about every argument we have!"

With that Ray stiffened, "Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that you've been telling this guy what has been going on in our family? You won't talk to me, but the first chance you get you go and run to your boss and talk to him? What the hell do you talk about Marilyn? Do you talk about me? Do you talk about us?"

The guilty look on Marilyn's face was all Ray needed to see. Without finishing breakfast, he got up and put his plate in the sink and began to wash the dishes. Marilyn, stood there trying to think of something to say that would not pour gasoline on the inferno raging between them.

Just as she was about to speak, Ray said, "I'm going to the office now. Don't forget we have a doctor's appointment at 3:30 for Rachel. I'll drop by and pick her up and we will meet you there."

With that statement the conversation was over. It was added to the long list of things that were festering into Marilyn and Ray's relationship. An uneasy truce was observed when they got to the doctor's office. The good news was that the new medication was having positive signs initially for Rachel.

When they got home, both tried to put on a show of normality. When it came bedtime, Marilyn asked Ray if he was coming to bed. Ray understood she was asking him to return to their bedroom. That night they had sex and for the first time in their marriage it felt to both of them as an obligation. When they finished, they mutually turned away from each other and both were deep in thoughts as the night passed by.

**********************

The light turned green and the vehicle accelerated through the intersection. I should have known Marilyn wouldn't have betrayed me, Ray thought. But I didn't give her much of a chance to explain. After that, it just got easier and easier to put distance between us. She begged me to listen to her and my foolish pride kept getting in the way and now I have lost her. I suppose now, John has a clean shot to replace me. He certainly made it easier to be the White Knight after this past Christmas.

After the altercation and the botched reconciliation, the sleeping arrangements became separate bedrooms despite Marilyn's insistence that Ray return to his bedroom. When Ray didn't immediately agree; Marilyn got upset and angry. By the time Ray was ready to come back to her, he was informed the current arrangement was fine by her.

So day by day they led different lives. Rachel never was aware of any problems between her parents. They continued to show a united front for her of unconditional love and support as the cancer would show signs of remission and her strength would build up. Away from Rachel, a frosty Berlin Wall was building and each grievance settled into another brick of hostility in the private war.

One morning, Ray went to breakfast to be confronted with an even angrier version of Marilyn. How dare he accuse her of having an affair when he was carrying on with that bitch he called his secretary. Before Ray could say anything, Marilyn informed him that she had information that Ray and Karen were sleeping together. Then she stormed out of the room.

Actually, all Marilyn had was a strand of blonde hair on Ray's suit jacket that brushed up when Karen gave Ray a supportive hug the morning before. Ironically, the same set of events now transpired to send Ray and Marilyn's marriage out of orbit and hurdling to the Sun.

Now suddenly the third parties of John Tullos and Karen Ferguson had an interest in the events. Slowly as the marriage began to disintegrate, both realized they had feelings developing with the person they were working with. Still, they made no outward effort to flame things; instead they continued to try to be a neutral bastion of support for their respective friend.

But the effort was getting tougher to maintain and control as they visualized replacing the erring spouse in their scenarios. Ultimately, both realized until Rachel's situation was resolved that neither Marilyn nor Ray would be willing or capable of dissolving the marriage. So the merry go round continued to grind away based on the whims of fate.

Another Christmas, another birthday; another disappointment by Rachel not to see a White Christmas. Again, the surrounding gifts assuaged Rachel's hurt not to experience snow. As Ray and Marilyn alternated handing gifts to Rachel to tear open and enjoy; Marilyn caught an ominous omen as Ray glanced at a gift and stiffened before he gave it to Rachel. Then he settled into a false mask of happiness for the remainder of the gifts openings.

After this long a period of time Marilyn was accustomed to Ray's mood swings and although no one else picked up on it, she knew something had upset him. At the first opportunity away from their family and friends she asked what was wrong.

"Your boyfriend," he hissed, "you let your boyfriend send a gift to my daughter?"

Without waiting for a response, he went back to Rachel's room and ohhed and ahhed over the gifts, even the one sent by John Tullos. After everyone left and the house settled down he went to his bedroom and desperately searched for a way to solve his problem. Marilyn remained in Rachel's room lying beside her in the bed watching her slumbering child wondering what the future would bring.

What it brought was indifference. People are mistaken when they think hate is the opposite of love. It isn't. The opposite of love is indifference. When you no longer care about the actions of another. At least with hate you still evoke a feeling from a person. But when someone is indifferent from you, when you no longer are affected by someone, that is the exact opposite of love.

Slowly, the indifference grew as the couple still tended to Rachel. John continued to grow closer to Marilyn and Karen grew closer to Ray. And while both participated in emotional adultery, neither were willing to cross the line into physical adultery. Both Ray and Marilyn still felt that last bond remained unless and until they legally severed that bond.

That would not happen around Rachel. Not to destroy her childhood, her life. Not after everything else that had happened to her. Marilyn and Ray were both resolved to go through life together unhappily as long as they could keep Rachel alive and happy.

Another year passed, another request for a White Christmas failed. More Christmas gifts, including one from John Tullos again. Ray caused no objection. Time continued to spiral downward. Every so often, Ray or Marilyn would approach one another in a effort to resolve their differences. But call it fate, or bad timing, or bruised egos but nothing rekindled their fire.

Now they lived as roommates sharing the common goal of nursing and caring for Rachel. Both treated the other politely and put on the veneer of a loving couple around Rachel or friends and family only to shed it off when they were alone.

Another Christmas and they waited to hear Rachel's annual request for a White Christmas. Then she surprised them. Her Christmas wish was to keep the Christmas lights burning. Tears sprung from Marilyn and Ray as they promised that the Christmas lights would continue to burn for Rachel. The smile from the emasculated child sealed the promise. That was how the Christmas lights began to burn 24/7 at the Thompson's residence.

Soon, Ray and Marilyn heard rumbling from disgruntled neighbors as the lights continued to remain on during late January. By February, the Home Owners Association mailed a notice to them to turn off and remove the Christmas lights. Ray promised Marilyn that he would take care of it as he pulled out the HOA regulations to reacquaint himself with the myriad bylaws.

Initially, he sent a letter appealing to them to grant his sick child's request. That was immediately rebuffed and now he was sent a demand letter from the HOA's legal counsel. He called and talked to the attorney, but the attorney was adamant that the Christmas lights be turned off and removed or legal action would commence.

Everyday, Ray would inform Marilyn of the situation and she began to get frustrated and turned on Ray for his failure not to resolve the problem. Still Ray persevered to grant his daughter her wish and the lights continued to burn at the Thompson's house 24/7.

A certified letter was sent to the Thompsons informing them of their breach of the HOA's regulations and a lawsuit had been filed. Marilyn still insisted that Ray wasn't doing his utmost as he filed motion after motion in the lawsuit. She voiced those frustrations to John during one of their daily lunches.

"He's not doing anything, John. All I hear is that he filed this motion or that motion or that this hearing is being rescheduled or this issue is being briefed. All I need to hear from him is that he got this taken care of and my daughter can enjoy her Christmas lights."

"Marilyn, I'm sure Ray is doing what he can to do this legally, but sometimes it may be better to go in a different direction. I have a friend at a local TV station. If you'd like, I'll see if I can get them interested in doing a human interest story on Rachel. Maybe we can shame them into giving up the lawsuit."

"Oh John, thank you!" Marilyn exclaimed and impulsively leaned over and kissed him. She broke the uneasy silence, "I'm sorry John. I shouldn't have done that...At least, as long as I'm married to Ray I am committed to being faithful..."

With her sentence trailing off, John pounced. "But after that Marilyn what are you going to do. You must know how I feel about you. You can't spend the rest of your life being chained to someone you don't care about. You owe it to yourself to be happy. I can make you happy and I'm willing to wait until you give me that chance."

Marilyn was startled by the declaration. True, she and John had danced around the subject but now it was in the open and it couldn't be ignored.

"John, this is too sudden and too fast. I do care about you and I do want to be happy but given my situation when will I ever be in a position to act. For now, let's focus on getting your friend to do the news story and take care of that problem" with that she hugged her friend and he relished the feel of her in his arms.

Across town, Karen was hugging Ray. "Congratulations, Ray! I knew you would find a solution to this!"