Hanging Perverts by Their Bollocks

"And?" Miss Ash added.

"The queers." I added, "And pay the workers more."

"What about Immigrants?" Stan asked.

"Oh yes, and them." I agreed.

"Mr Althwaite seventy per cent of our active members are lesbian or homosexual!" Miss Ash exclaimed.

"Right, I got nothing against Lesbians," I said, "Al's got some good videos of."

"Mr Althwaite, please!" Miss Ash exclaimed as she blushed crimson,

"Look Im not saying I want to watch you," I reassured her.

"Ugh you horrible, horrible man," she says losing her marbles.

"Mr Althwaite," Stan Greening suggested, "I suggest you try the BNP if you wish to become a councillor, now please leave." I bet he regretted saying that, dopy bugger.

"Right, thanks," I said, "For nowt!" and I stormed off out, fucking BNP for christs sake, load of morons, spiky haired thugs, I knew they met in the Flying Pig on Rosamund street so I went straight round.

"You right Johnno?" someone asked, it wereNorman Biggins from the Butchers, dressed all in black like a pregnant SS officer he was, see we played footie for the school under 13 team before he got too breathless from the fags.

"Yeah, you?" I asked.

"All right, what you drinking," he asked.

"Rm and cyanide," I said, "sodding Lib Dems told me to sod off."

"And me," he said, "Just because I battered that Simpkins bastard when he touched me cock."

"Christ," I said.

"Sodding wimps," he said, "What you want, they got Stella." (Artois)

"Pims and Lemon," I said, he thought I was serious, "No Stella is ok,"

We got chatting, "Trouble is as soon we goes out canvassing some bastard attacks us and makes out its us what started it when they comes off worst," Norman says.

"They throw stuff and all," Billy Hillman added, "I went down town hall to a meeting and got smacked with a rotten egg."

"Christ," I said

"And I broke two fingers when I smacked the bastard what chucked it," he added.

"I fancy being a Councillor," I said, and I had a few more jars and I must have signed something because next thing I knew this bloody letter arrived at home saying I was the official BNP candidate for the Warmsby ward of Wetherfield Council.

It's all very well thinking about being a councillor but when you see nine grand a year up for grabs for just sitting around doing sod all it gets serious.

See I wasn't born stupid it took nineteen years practice, but there was this "Meet the Candidate" night at the Subscription Rooms so I went down there with Al and a few others, turned out he was standing for Whetherby Ingleside ward so well we went in together and they thought I was a Lib Dem.

I quite liked it, talking bollocks to about twenty bored fuckers what couldn't give a toss, "And what do you think should be done about Perverts?" someone asked.

"Hang them from a lampost by their bollocks," Al said.

"Oh no!" I said, of course I was going to say if you do that their bollocks come off, but you know.

"Oh," this old cow said, "I thought BNP supported violent retribution."

"Yes but hanging Perverts by the bollocks don't work." I said.

"Quite right!" the old cow said so I shut up.

Turned out she was reporter from the Mercury, and it was headlines in Tuesdays chip paper, "BNP rejects Lib Dem call for violence."

Norman was straight round the depot, "What the hell did you mean, 'not hang Perverts up by the bollocks?"

"It don't work," I said, "Their bollocks tear off," I told him. "They need a hook up their ass."

"You ent wrong mate," he said thoughtfully, "If our lads know you wants a hook up the Pervert's ass and the other cunts think we gone soft you could do all right on Thursday."

"Thursday?" I asked.

"Polling day you pillock." he said.

===================================================

"Sandra," I says she got home from college around half three, "You know I joined the BNP." she looked shocked, "They think I got a chance of becoming a councillor."

"Oh Johnno, can you wangle me a council house without me having a kid." she asked.

"No, I can't" I said and grabbed her.

"Mind my knickers they're," she said as I ripped them off her, "My good ones or they were."

We fucked there and then, the sunlight glistened on her brown hair as I pounded her, at least until I saw old Doris from number thirty two watching us and I closed the front door with me foot, "Do you love me Johnno?" she says in mid fuck.

"What's not to love," I says, "I reckon I do, it's like you always been here."

"Oh Johnno!"she says and gave my prick an extra squeeze that sent cum bursting up my shaft to flood her insides, "I love you too!" she said, "Now what about that teachery little Pervert you got to sort out."

"Bloody hell Sandra!" I said, "That's Al's problem," but it weren't because Billy came round with a load of old meat hooks which were rusty or bent or blunt.

Billy had hardly gone before the coppers called, Tony Mulholland and Sergeant Fforbes, "I'd like you to come down the Station," Fforbes says, "And no cracks about fucking trains, I'm the comedian."

"I can tell," I said, "The funny hat's a dead give away."

"Shut it Johnno," Tony adds, "Did Billy bring the hooks?"

He could see them so he grabbed them and shoved them in a bag, "You can come too miss," he said to Sandra, and then we found Al waiting in the Police van, and a couple of the Perverts from the pictures.

"Lads, meet Arthur Mellis and Sebastian Groom," Tony says, "Arthur likes dressing up in short skirts and high heels and Sebastian likes dressing up like a Nazi and screwing blokes up the ass."

"That is defamatory officer," Sebastian announces, "I shall instruct my solicitor."

"What through Tarot cards?" Sgt Fforbes suggested, "Because there's no solicitors where you're going, not live ones."

"I must protest," Sebsatian whined so Tony nutted him with his truncheon, that shut him up.

"Right, lets get moving," Fforbes says so Tony hops in the drivers seat and we headed off down towards the canal wharf.

"What's on?" I asked as I saw a copper on duty at the gate and loads of Police tape.

"Crime scene," says Tony, "They're all yours," he adds and he hops out followed by Fforbes and stroll towards the gate.

"Christ," says Al, "Stuck in a van with a pair of Perverts."

"Look, I never hurt anyone." Arthur said stupidly, "It's harmless fun!"

"What, your cock up their jacksy?" Al asked all incredulous like.

"It fucking hurts, I should know," Sandra adds.

"Oh don't be ridiculous!" Arthur continued, "Then love it."

"Moron, you're seriously fucked up." Al says.

"Totally fucked, totally." Sandra agreed.

"Just need killing," Al added.

"Steady on Al," I said.

Sebastian looks really worried as he sat with his hands handcuffed behind him, he looked at Alf and Alf looked at him and then.

"Run!" Sebastian says and so we all legged it, just like that, we legged it, of course with that the coppers started coming back with that big daft German Shepherd dog Alf Grimsdale laughingly called a Police dog dragging behind because he was so over fed and never got a walk except round the garden when it fancied a shit, anyway they headed us off towards where the railway crossed the canal at an angle except Al climbed the wall up to the railway line and I gave Sandra a leg up and climbed up me self and the Perverts was so out of condition they was way behind and handcuffed anyway and they was left panicking, cause they couldn't climb the wall.

"Swim for it you daft sods," I said and they realised, it was their only hope, so they dived in. not too bright as they was handcuffed but it didn't matter as there was about nine inches water and seven foot of mud in the basin, so they went in head first up to their waists, not that I worried.

They looked real queer with their little legs waving in the air when I looked back, "Daft pillocks!" I shouted and we legged it before the coppers dragged them out.

It turned out health and safety rules wouldn't let the coppers into water without an inflatable raft so they got one from Morecambe, which took three hours by which time the Perverts was well and truly fucked, totally rigor mortis, stiff, stone dead.

We went along the tracks for a bit and climbed down by Armstrong street where we had fish and chips at the Chinese take away, like you do, couple of tins of Four X and then went home.

"Johnno," Sandra says, "What do you think will happen to those Perverts"

"Rot in fucking hell I guess," Al replied.

"Oh I do hope so!" she said like she fancied him or summat.

"Should have hung them by their bollocks," I said, and they nodded.

=========================================

I went round with some BNP leaflets next day, "BNP" I says knocking on the doors.

"What you going to do for us?" people asked.

"Sod all, I just want the nine grand a year for doing sod all," I said.

"Sodding hell an honest politician," or "Bollocks," or "Fuck off." was the replies.

Poor old Al was doing the Lib Dem ones, round the posh bit of town.

"You let the students down and the anti Tory lobby down and the Yackity Yackity Yack," the Lib Dem supporters banged on, "That Nick Clegg." Poor old Al thought they meant the old codger who cleaned the bogs outside the Town Hall, he never realised Nick Clegg was deputy Prime Minister, and if he did he thought he was a Tory.

I had me own troubles, "What about the Pakistanis?" someone asked.

"Well who else wants to sell fags at two in the morning, all the corner shops would have to close if they went home," I explained.

"What about the Chinese?" they said.

"Well who's going to run the chip shop?" I replied and they saw my point.

"What about the Muslims," they asked.

"Better than the fucking Jehovahs witnesses, and what about the fucking Moonies and Scientologists, most of them are Perverts." I told them, anyway by dinner time twenty people said they would vote for me and the rest said they wouldn't vote BNP even if there wasn't any other candidate, so reminded them voting was Friday, a day later than anywhere else because it was a day off for the Muslims.

"And if you don't like the BNP write summat nasty like "Fuck the BNP," across ballot paper," I suggested.

I don't remember the election, I had ten pints at dinner time and a few more after tea and we went down Town Hall, I sort of slumped in a chair and then after a lot of fuss the results were announced.

"Ah hem," some weasly little council git said and woke me up, "Mr Althwaite would you please come and check the spoiled ballot papers."

"Why?" I asked.

"There are rather a lot of them," he said, "Please!"

Christ was he right, this huge pile, "Most say something rude about the BNP," he said as he showed me them one by one.

"So?" I said,

"Two hundred and six out of one three hundred and eighteen ballot papers issued." he said, "Said Fuck the BNP or something similar."

"So they fucking hate me," I said "Big deal!"

"But of the unspoiled papers you had fifty two votes," he said, "The UK Independence Party candidate thirty eight and."

"You won!" Sandra said, "Johnno, you won!"

"Fucking hell!" I said and I fainted.

I woke up on a trolley in casualty with a TV blokes microphone in me face, "Congratulations Mr Allthwaite," he said, "What do you hope to achieve by this momentous victory."

"Clear the place of Perverts." I suggested.

"Hang them from lamp posts by their bollocks?" he asked.

"No that's Lib Dems," I said, "It don't work their bollocks come off, no stick a meat hook up their ass and let them swing from that!" I said. And he fainted.

"Must be a Pervert," Sandra said.

To be continued?