Hawaii

"Since when are you a drama queen?"

Arms cross against his chest and Tony sighs loudly. "Look, Victoria, you preach all this shit about being honest and being a better person. But you're totally full of shit because the second anyone is honest with you, you can't handle it. You shut off."

"Why is Joel here?"

Tony laughs loudly at this and flicks a large insect out of his palm and off the ledge of the balcony. It will probably rain bug guts down onto some unsuspecting tourist. No doubt a tourist who is enjoying Hawaii much more than I right now. "I don't think it fucking matters why Joel is here."

"Why is he here?" I repeat. I want to know. Knowledge is power or so they say.

Tony turns his attention to the white wall toward left. "I gave him a call the other day and told him that Benji was flying in. They were going to arrive together, but Joel got laid up with some shit at home and had to book a different flight." That didn't answer the question. But he paused and continued. "I wanted to see you with twins," he randomly concluded. "This trip was supposed to be about indulging fantasies."

"Maybe fantasies are overrated," I pondered aloud and allowed my flip flops to fall to the ground. "Maybe fantasies are bullshit and reality is-"

"I think you're bullshit," Tony turned his gaze on me full blast. "I think you're bullshit because you can't handle reality or the truth. That's bullshit, Victoria."

"Who says I can't-"

"You're in love with a man that you can't have. How does it feel?" he spat poisonously. "How does it fucking feel, Victoria?"

"Like shit," I admitted.

"Good," Tony laughed as he stood up and kicked his chair backward, crashing it into the sliding glass door and alerting anyone within a five room span that he was upset. More tears brewed from his blue eyes as he stood above me and leered downward. "I hope you feel like shit, Victoria. Because you know what? I feel the worst I've ever felt and this vacation was supposed to be the best fucking time of my life!"

* * *

I woke up to the sound of voices: several familiar male voices and several unknown female voices. Laughter. Loud laughter. Beer bottles clinking together and the sounds of Lil Jon, Ludacris and Usher on the stereo system.

"To having fun in Hawaii," Tony pledged as he held his Corona bottle aloft.

"To having fun in Hawaii," a petite blonde girl with silicone cleavage giggled. Another girl who could have been her twin added her beer bottle to the circle and giggled too.

Joel nodded. "To indulging our wildest fantasies."

"And to no more bitches," Paul added as he passed the joint that was between his lips to a tall brunette woman that stood beside him.

She winked. "No more bitches."

"What's your fantasy?" Tony challenged this woman, and she shrugged coquettishly as she allowed Paul to gesture her onto the sofa beside him. "Don't be fucking shy," he laughed as he chided her and placed the two blondes onto the sofa across from her. "Come on, April. Don't be fucking shy now!"

The girl, April, shrugged again and took a sip from her beer bottle. "I'm not shy, Tony. I just don't know what you want me to say."

"What's your fantasy?" Paul questioned her, as she took a long hit off the joint. "We all have fantasies, you don't have to be shy about it."

"I want to have sex with my English teacher," one of the blondes giggled. The other giggled hysterically at that. The pair continued to giggle, but received only the focus of Joel's attentions as he set to refilling their plastic cups with a thick black liquid.

"Be honest," Tony chided.

April bit her bottom lip and considered his challenge. "My fantasy is having sex on a balcony where anyone can see me and my lover. The fear of being caught mingled with the hope that we will be watched."

"There's a balcony right over there," Paul gestured with his chipmunk grin.

Tony nodded. "Does your partner have a name?"

April laughed and placed her beer onto the coffee table. "You two are too funny."

"Why's that?" Paul raised an eyebrow.

"I don't fantasize about any specific man," she smirked.

"Then what else do you fantasize about?" Tony inquired, taking a seat on empty space beside her.

"Size," April licked her lips hungrily. "I want to fuck the biggest cock in this room."

Paul glanced at Tony, who glanced across the room to their third friend who was already kissing the neck of one of the blondes. He cleared his throat and then spoke softly. "Well, April, what if it's a tie?"

"Then I'll have to fuck both of you," the brunette spoke boldly as she stood, stretched and dropped her skirt to the floor. It was hardly a surprise that she wore no underwear, and her blouse shortly followed. "I will wait on the balcony," she practically cooed.

Tony glanced at his best friend, who watched the woman step out into the darkness. "Who gets her?"

Paul shrugged. "I don't know."

"You still want V?"

"Yeah," Paul nodded and lit a cigarette as he stood and stretched his arms into the air. "I'll always want V, Tony. Always."

"Me too," Tony confessed with a sigh and lit his own cigarette.

"Do you want the slut on the balcony?" Paul laughed as he realized the truth to their conundrum.

Tony shook his head. "Do you?"

"Send Joel out there," Paul mused with a laugh. Their friend was clearly otherwise engrossed in the two blonde girls that had still remained entirely nameless. Strippers. All of the girls were strippers from some local, hole-in-the-wall bar that had seemed like a good idea at the time. For now, Joel was the only man enjoying himself and getting his dick licked. Twice over.

* * *

"Things have changed," Tony confessed as he and Paul entered the room and took up seats on either side of the bed. I nodded. "I think we agree that we don't need an answer right now- or even tomorrow- but we need one soon. Eventually."

"And I'm- I mean, we're- not wanting this trip to be totally fucked up the ass," Paul continued, his voice hoarse. "So basically-"

"Please choose to be with both of us for now," Tony pleaded with words and heavy eyes. "For now. For the trip. You can break someone's heart later. But for now-"

"That's not fair," I had to interrupt. "I don't want to break anyone's heart, Anthony." Because I didn't want to. I didn't want to be responsible. I didn't want any of it.

Paul took a deep breath. "Victoria, I think what Tony means is that right now we would both rather have only half of your attention than none at all. I would rather wake up to you half the time than to not wake up to you at all."

"But I-"

Tony looked frantic as he interjected, "Please, Victoria? Let's let things be the way they used to be. Please?"

It was beyond stupid to agree to move backward in time. It felt like I had been reading the pages of a mystery novel and with only five pages left to go before the killer was disclosed, I had shut the book on the story and forgotten. Bad metaphor. Bad. But still. This was not the best chess move to play, and yet I heard myself agreeing. I watched the two men sigh and exhale pent up anxiety. I wanted their faces become friendly again.

"I love you," Tony whispered as he pulled me into a tight embrace. "Victoria, you may never believe a word I speak to you but I love you."

* * *

"Sometimes, every thing has to fall apart before it can be put back together," was the insightful observation from beside me in bed. He had been philosophizing for the past hour. "That's just life, Victoria. Sometimes you have to take a step back to take three steps forward."

"And what does that mean for us?"

"That means," he hugged me tighter to his warm body, "that I love you and you love me. We both love each other. But Tony loves you too. And you may not want to admit it, but you love Tony enough that you don't want to hurt him. So you agreed to this so that you and I could move forward together without leaving Tony behind to hurt."

"Is that so?"

Paul nodded. "Because you have the faith that I have, that we can overcome this hurtle together and be that much stronger for it."

"Sounds like a lot of bullshit reverse psychology," I laughed. The response was a solid silence. "Right? I mean, you're basically saying that we're fucked but in more flowery terms."

"No," he frowned. "That's not what I was saying at all."

"But that is what you're saying," I observed, rolling onto my side to stare into his beautiful brown eyes. "You're saying that I subconsciously love Tony; and therefore, I subconsciously chose to agree to his terms because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. That I don't, in essence, love you enough to ‘leave' Tony."

Paul shook his head vigorously. "No. I am telling you that I know that you love me now."

"And you didn't know before?" I could not withhold the hurt from my tone.

Paul's response was to sit up in bed and allow his legs to swing off the right side of the bed. He sat up and stared out the large glass door onto the balcony. He sighed and began to set about lighting a cigarette. After the scent of burning nicotine filled the air, he was somehow able to breathe again. He frowned. "What I am saying is that I love you, Victoria. I know you love me. But I'm not sure it's enough."

Dumbfounded, I sat up and slid beside him. Joining his vigorous search of the balcony with my own eyes. "What does that mean, Paul?"

He exhaled. Once. Twice. Three times. "It means that I'm not sure it's enough for this to work. You chose to include Tony, and that means that somehow, someway you don't love me enough."

"But-"

He raised a quick finger to my lips and grinned. "Let me finish. Somehow, someway you don't love me enough to want just me, Victoria. And somehow, someway, I don't love you enough to want just you."

"So this is doomed," I exhaled and suddenly I needed a cigarette too.

Paul simply shrugged.

* * *

Tony was all smiles as he sauntered across the bathroom and pressed his pierced lips to the glass of the shower stall. "Excuse me, but I heard a lady in this room needs some servicing?"

I attempted to force a smile and forget the conversation with Paul that took place early this morning. The sun was still merely a dream of the horizon when he confessed and I listened. It all boiled down to the problem being Tony, and yet I would never see Anthony Lovato as a problem. Yes, he was a pain in the ass and no, I did not see myself marrying him. But somehow and someway, I shared more with Tony that I had ever shared with Paul. And Paul's words stung deep and painfully.

That did not stop Tony from making kissy-faces on the glass door. "V, open up!"

I opened the glass door and grinned. Because how can you not grin at a moron? "You could have opened the door yourself."

"Aha!" he waved a finger into my face and jumped into the stall, slamming the door loudly. "But by opening the door, you invited me in, V. And now I know that you want to play."

"You do realize that you're still wearing your shorts, right?" I ignored his speech and gestured toward his Bahaman-themed board shorts. "And those are quite possibly the ugliest shorts I have ever seen."

He shrugged this statement off and positioned me against the cold tiles, bringing us both into direct contact with the overhead spray. Wet. Wet Tony. Wet Tony grinned. "Who cares? They're coming off soon anyway."

"Says who?" I played coy.

"Says Tony," he smirked and traced the tip of his tongue up the line of my jaw. "And he knows that V wants it."

"Does she?"

"She wants him to place soft kisses onto her neck," he cooed as he mimicked his words in physicality. "And she wants him to taste the sweetness of her skin." A large drop of water seemed to cascade perfectly down onto his tongue. His blue eyes gleamed upward. "And she wants him to suck softly at her nipples. Then she'll beg him to dominate her."

"Mmmmaybe," was the only possible answer. Maybe.

* * *

Somewhere between maybe and now, things had gone down. Things. Namely myself. I had obliged Tony on my knees. But that was then, and currently he was holding me in his arms and pressing my back into the tile as he forced himself upward into my waiting warmth. This is a game that I love to play.

"I want you, V," Tony growls as he thrusts upward and I see stars appear before my eyes. "I want you now."

"You have me," I met his next thrust with a soft moan.

His eyes scanned my chest and then met my gaze. He grinned. "In the bedroom."

I shook my head. "Here, Tony. Keep fucking me."

Tony leaned his head down onto my shoulder and placed his lips inches from the shell of my ear. His breathing was ragged and labored, his movements were uncoordinated but rough. He breathed heavy. "I love you, V. I heard everything this morning and I want you to know that…" He pushed his hips upward and grinned. "I love you."

I might have said something if I could speak. But in truth, I didn't know what to say to Tony. I loved him- I loved having sex with him; but I was not certain that I was in love with him. And to be in love with Tony, meant to lose Paul. Just as to be in love with Paul meant to lose Tony. It was a tragic position to be in and here I was stuck between two men that I loved dearly. Not literally between them, but I had a feeling that that could be arranged.

* * *

"I know what you're thinking," Tony grinned as we lay side by side on the beach. He had been grinning all day since the whole sex in the shower bit. Tony apparently preferred sex wet. The wetter the better.

"What am I thinking?"

"You are thinking about how you want to sit on my face right now, but you can't because we're on a crowded beach in midday," he winked as he raised his sunglasses up onto the top of his head. "I know how badly you want me, V. You can barely keep your hands off of me."

I laughed and he laughed. Paul grimaced. "Well, if you two can keep your hands off each other long enough, I would like to know what we plan to do with ourselves tonight for dinner?"

"Must you always think of food?" Tony rolled his eyes in clear and obvious annoyance.

Paul scowled. "I meant the invitation, you fuckface. Joel wants us to come to his cabana tonight for dinner."

"That means he wants to fuck V," Tony pouted like a little child. "And I'm not sharing my Victoria with that pervert." Paul made a noise and stood up, brushing sand off the front of his shorts. He stomped unhappily back toward the hotel as Tony watched with wide blue eyes. "Was it something I said?"

"Probably," I grinned. "Or maybe it was something that I didn't say."

"What does that mean?" he raised an eyebrow.

"It's a puzzle," I winked as I stood up and pulled my shorts on over my bikini. "You solve it while I chase after Grumpy Bear."

Tony saluted me as I disappeared after Paul. Someone had been in a sour mood all day long, and I suspected that someone else was the reason for that sour mood. Or perhaps two others. I was clearly the most important portion of the equation.

"Paul!" I called as I entered our suite. "Paul, you're being an asshole."

He appeared from nowhere, wrenching the door out of my hand and slamming it loudly behind me. Quickly, he grabbed my waist and pushed me against the closed door. His expression was a mixture of heat and anger; hot and hotter. "I'm being an asshole?" he challenged. "I tell you that I love you and that I want it to be just us, and you go and fuck Tony in the shower and I'm the asshole?" his voice was deeper than usual and his tone was beyond serious. He glared down at me. "I want you, V. I want only you and only us."

"But Tony."

"No Tony," he groaned but it was not an amused or excited sound. His eyes were enraged. "I want you to send him home, V. I don't care what you say or do. Send him home."

"I can't."

"Then I'm leaving." His words were exact and calm. He stepped back to allow me some space and raised a hand to run through his hair. He took a deep breath and sighed. "If you don't send Tony home then I'm going home. It's your choice. The ball is in your court."

"How cliché."

"You can fucking joke all you fucking like," he growled, placing his body a step closer to mine. He wanted to appear threatening and in this moment, he was succeeding. He raised a fist. "You can fucking joke all you fucking like, V, but this is serious. It's Tony or me. You choose. I'm putting my heart on the line here."

"What if I don't want either of you?" I challenged. Meeting his anger with a growing rage of my own.

"Then we all lose," Paul smiled sadly. "Then we all lose and this story really had no point."

"You can't demand that I love you," I heard myself argue. I was no longer fully in control of my words, clearly. "You can't demand that I make decisions that I cannot make at this second."

"I can demand whatever the fuck I want," he spat back venomously. "I came here to get laid and for a good time. I didn't expect anything more than a good fuck and some good times with two of my best friends. I didn't expect to fall in love, Victoria. I didn't plan that. But now that my heart is involved and I'm not just thinking with my cock, it's a whole fucking new ballgame. And I want more than a cheap fuck."

"I don't know that I do."

"So you'd rather be a whore than to be my wife?" his attempted to understand. "You'd rather fuck Tony on the beach in front of hundreds of strangers than to go to bed with me at night, every night?"

I couldn't answer.

"If that's the case, then I don't even want you, V. Choose Tony. Do us both a favor and choose him. Because that's not the woman that I thought you were. I love the Victoria that-"

"What, Paul?" I crossed my arms over my chest and waited.

"I love you, V," he confessed, lowering his gaze to his feet. "Despite it all, I love you. And I know Tony loves you too. So please just stop this whole charade. We can't keep pretending like we're this happy threesome that's working great for all involved. We're not. I'm miserable every night that you're not with me, and Tony is miserable every night that you're not with him. Something has to change. We can't stay like this forever. Hawaii has to end."

* * *

I stood at the baggage claim, staring as my favorite hot pink luggage went around and around in circles. It would be all too easy to walk over and claim the bag. So instead, I stood staring. As he stepped up beside me, I took a deep breath and pointed. "That's mine."

"I know," he smiled as he walked over and grabbed the hot pink bag. He walked back to where I stood and grinned. "You ready to go?"

"I think so," I sighed with the weight of that last conversation lingering over my head. An offensively long plane ride and I still couldn't get those words out of my mind. ‘Hawaii has to end' he had said. And I had agreed. So here I was. I frowned.

"What's wrong?" he questioned as he guided me out of the airport and toward his waiting vehicle. "What happened in Hawaii?"

"Too much," I yawned.

"Well, tell me?" he grinned. "I want all the gossip and don't leave anything out."

"Should I start at the beginning?" I wondered aloud. Of course, where else would you start an obnoxiously long story about sex and drugs and drugs and sex.

"Sure," he nodded and opened the passenger side door. "That sounds good. And while you're at it, can you explain to me why Tony has called my cell phone at least twenty times in the past hour?"

"Maybe."

He nodded. "Are you alright, V?"

"I'll be alright," I promised him. "I don't know how long it'll take, but eventually, I'll be alright."

"So this must be some hot ass story," he laughed as he placed the keys into the ignition. "Linzi called me up all frantic and shit and told me that I had to come pick you up because you were leaving Hawaii in a hurry."

I nodded.

"So what happened down there, V?"