Hello Father Ch. 03

After a couple of months, I became pregnant again. The partying came to a quick halt with the pregnancy. Tim was delivered nine months later. At the time, I still assumed that your father had been responsible for all three of you. You all resembled him with dark hair and easy smiles. Your father wanted to name him after his father, but by this time, I had lost my respect for him and would not give him the satisfaction. I took the name Timothy from the latest James Bond actor that I had a crush on.

After Tim delivered, I went back to the partying ways. Susan and her friends kept me from being alone. A few months later, I was pregnant again. Your father was over the moon. He had three sons and was hoping for a daughter. I didn't care.

When my fourth son was delivered I knew I was in trouble. I could tell that Michael was not your father's son. He looked different, acted different, and grew up with different skills. I prayed and hoped that nobody would ever find out. With Michael, your father and I decided that I should get my tubes tied. He was happy with four sons and I was dreading the fact that Michael might not be his.

We continued on for a couple of years. I didn't go back to the insurance job after Michael was born. I stayed home and took care of you boys. I became the mother that I wanted to be. By this time, I had lost a lot of respect for your father. He never discovered my affairs and in my mind, that meant he did care. It meant he was not worthy of my love or yours.

One thing that I need to clarify, I fully understood his work. I searched his briefcase every night and got jealous. I listened to his dinner conversations. Although he didn't realize it, I remembered all the stuff he was saying. I knew more than he gave me credit for. I knew about the secret airplane design and other secret stuff. He was doing great things and I was stuck here. I was envious. He was a great designer and helped prepare our country for the future and I was an adulteress.

Robert, when you were about five, I began the cycle again. I began to volunteer at a couple of non-profit organizations in our neighborhood. We had a few meetings and had a couple of cocktails after. I began to use the meetings to avoid being alone again. Whenever I was alone the insecurities grew. I saw Uncle Charlie around every corner coming back to claim me. One night as I was walking back to my car, a person approached me. I instinctively turned and swung my purse. I felt the fear release as the purse connected with her face. But by the time I got my wits back I saw a young girl laying in the parking lot. She was just walking back to her car and I had broken her jaw. That incident shocked me. I then came to the realization that I needed help.

A woman at my organization guided me to a psychologist. My friend led me to Dr. Shannon McKenzie. Dr. McKenzie began to explore my issues and it was soon evident that I was suffering from a form of Rape Trauma Syndrome. We began to work through Uncle Charlie and issues dealing with that. As we progressed to the last five years, Robert and my affairs, depression set in. She helped me break from the hold that Uncle Charlie and Robert had. I soon came to realize the damage that I had done to our family. She got me to focus on my husband and our sons.

After a few months Dr. McKenzie became Shannon. Shannon brought me back from the edge. She helped me see that my past behavior had almost destroyed our family. Shannon got me to realize the blame I was putting on your father. She made me see that even if I tried to block your relationships with him. He was there, every game lesson recital, graduation. Even with his work.

She got me to admit that I was trying to drive a wedge between my husband and his sons. She trapped me using the same terms against me that I used against my husband. I soon realized that he was nothing but a loving husband and father. My guilt and anger had been wrongly misplaced to him. Shannon helped me fall back in love with that man.

Shannon evolved into a true friend. She dealt with the ethical issues and got advice from her peers so that we could allow that friendship to grow. She became such a mentor. Shannon saved me more than once.

As a friend, Shannon came over to the house often. Sometimes it was to give me some advice. Other times it was to view the family and interactions, almost undercover, to see the natural love and affection of the family. With that information she would lead new discussions and offer additional suggestions to help.

She cried when I related that I didn't think that Michael was my husband's son. I hoped that that secret would never come out. Shannon kept trying to convince me to bring the past out in the open, but I could not. Your father was a principled man. He would not accept any psycho – babble diagnosis. He believed that all people must be responsible for their own actions and we cannot blame our current actions on someone long gone. I knew how he would react if he ever found out that Michael was not his child.

It turned out that I was right. Somehow, he must have discovered the truth. The note he left said it all. "I Know."

Robert, you remember that days right after he left. You were so strong. I was never more proud of you than I was those days and every day since then. You have become the man I had always hoped you would be.

On the third day after he left, I called Shannon and she came right over. She got me out of bed and convinced me that our sons needed their mother. She forced me back to the land of the living.

We began anew as a single mother with four sons. We carried on and survived. Through all the trials and tests, we held together as a family. You and your brothers share much of the credit. But, your father also deserves credit. Through passing his knowledge and wisdom to his sons, they carried it on and have always made good decisions. His guidance and support, in absentia, helped all of us.

I attempted to find him on more than one occasion. My first attempt was through all our friends, families, and work. Nobody had seen or heard from him. It was like he fell off the earth.

I knew someone at his work must know something. He was too important to just let go away. A few months after your father left, the FBI contacted me. The Special Agent interviewed me. We sat down and he grilled me for over an hour. I told him the reason was that I had cheated on my husband and that he found out. I tried to convince the FBI that your father was an honest and trustworthy man. I told him that your father would never do anything to betray a trust. He left with that.

A few months later, I called his work again to inquire. They still didn't know anything, but they let it slip that the FBI found him in Atlanta. From then on I was sure that the FBI was keeping tabs on him. I have asked a couple of times, but they would never tell me.

After two years, I hired a private investigator. We didn't have a lot of money to spend, but he did do some comprehensive searches. He found nothing.

We continued on. You supported us any way you could and your brothers continued their schooling. I know the sacrifices you took. I know that you should be in college. I know that you got a job to support your family. For that I am forever grateful.

It was one month after you went to San Diego on your road trip that I discovered the next truth. I understand the reasons for your trip; Vanessa Brown was not the girl for you. She was a slut. I saw it and hoped that when you discovered the truth, you would not be too devastated. When you came back from San Diego, you were a changed person. You were more confident, more aware, and more helpful to your brothers and me.

Prior to your trip, I had been feeling a little different. Food didn't taste good anymore. I was having some cramping and my weight was dropping. It was during your trip to San Diego that I sought to see a doctor. After a few tests, it was determined that I had cancer. Apparently it started in the ovaries. By the time we discovered it the cancer had spread. The prognosis was not good. I could delay the inevitable. But it would still come all too soon.

It was then I made the second discovery. As I was searching through your father's desk for insurance papers, I discovered the DNA tests. I, like your father, discovered the true depth of my betrayal. I was devastated. Now I know why your father never returned. If the roles were reversed, I would have done the same. This information sealed my fate. I wanted to end my life early, but Shannon convinced me that arrangements must be made.

From that point on, I made it my work to ensure that you and your brothers were established and could live beyond me. I pushed Tim and Randy to go to San Diego State. Then I pushed Michael to go there to be with them. I knew that you would be forced to stay with them.

Robert, I did this for a couple of reasons. I did not want you to sit and watch me die. I had done too much to destroy this family to allow my death to become one more morbid event and I did not want to be celebrated as the hero in this tale. You all need to get a life away from me and live like your father wanted you to.

When Tim and Randy were accepted I was elated. Michael's relapse provided an opportunity to get him with his brothers. I knew you would be forced to support Michael. I hated to use you that way, but I thought it was for the best.

Robert, as I lay here in my deathbed, I look back to all the good that my life produced. You, Randy, Tim, and Michael are blessings to the world. You must keep them safe. I know that Michael has some issues, but maybe this truth will set him free.

I know the end is near. There is one last piece of information I wish to give you. Last year, one of my friends told me that she thinks she saw your father in San Diego. Robert, you must find him. The realization that you boys could meet and talk to your father sent my spirits soaring. I know the disease will take me probably sooner rather than later. The knowledge that your father could step in to support you boys will allow me to die in peace.

You must tell him my story. I know that he will never forgive me, but he must forgive himself. He must help re-build that which I destroyed. I never divorced him and he is the responsible party for Michael. He will take care of Michael regardless of who the sperm donor was.

The FBI Special Agent may be able to help. Call him.

As the days grow short and the pain increases, I know that the fault in this tragic comedy in mine. As I lay here alone dying, I realize that this is the only appropriate way for me. Alone. I loved one man and destroyed that same man. We built a family with lies and deceit. When that deceit was discovered, as it always will, our family crumbled like a house of cards. The only thing that held this family from crumbling completely was the character of your father. The love he imparted in you all got us through the toughest times. Your father, and I use that term with all respect, was not to blame for this mess. I know he is your father regardless of what any DNA test shows. He was there when it mattered. He is a good man. Find him. He will ask for your forgiveness. He will try to assume responsibility. Be his son, and accept the minor failings of a man and become a family again.

Robert, the cancer is close. I can feel it consuming me, but I don't want to dull the pain with the morphine. I know that you want to come home to see me, but I cannot allow that. This is the way it must be. I must be alone and you must be in the embrace of your family.

As I die, I have visions of you, and your brothers living with your father. I lay in bed each day hoping that you will find him. If you do find him, tell him I'm sorry and that I loved him.

Do this for me. In my memory.

Your Loving Mother

Sandy

PS: The second letter is for your father. I have given him my confession as I told you. If you ever find him, please give him the second letter.

Robert folded the now tear stained letter and placed it back in the envelope. In his hands he held the second letter to his father. With his loss and the added knowledge, Robert cried himself to sleep that night.

The next morning, all the brothers and their father shared the letters. Robert called and Shannon arrived soon after. Shannon began with her recollections of a troubled woman and her journey to recovery. Then she turned her attentions to healing this family anew. Shannon knew that this family would survive. The love and forgiveness was evident and her work would be short. She knew that these men would all support each other and thrive. Father and sons would be happy.

With Tim and Randy enrolled in San Diego State and Michael living with them, Robert and his father made arraignments to sell their mother's house. After a week in Colorado, Tim, Randy, Michael and their father got back on the company jet and flew home. Robert stayed behind to close up the sale of the house. Most of the furniture was given to the Goodwill and only their personnel stuff was packed and shipped to San Diego.

Robert took one last look at the home he grew up in. He remembered all the good times. The bad times didn't' come to mind. With that, he locked the door one last time, got in his car and began the drive west to his family.

Epilog

Five years had passed since their mother had died. In that time, the boys and their father flourished. Tim and Randy both graduated and had good jobs in the area. Robert got himself re-enrolled back in school and was on his way to a Master's degree.

Michael put his past troubles behind him. Under the guidance of his father, Michael excelled in school and was going to the University of California, San Diego. Another aspect of Michael that grew was his music. Michael played guitar for a semi-successful band. They had shows almost every weekend in the Gas lamp district.

Their father began to see a therapist recommended by Shannon. He and Margo are working through the past issues. There is hope for all of us.

Thanks to Barney R for the edits. If errors are found, I assume responsibility. I made a couple of changes after his reviews.