All Comments on 'Him'

Niyah2 ...

First read of any of your writings. More precisely, your story is one of very few I've read since joining Literotica last week. And I'm glad to have stumbled upon it.

Not (yet) having read any of your other pieces I don't have the benefit of the context offered by the readers familiar with your writings.

I enjoy the level of character development you are able to achieve in such a short piece. The stream of consciousness you've woven in, generously, captivated my attention, stirred my imagination. Admittedly, shamelessly, the "extent" of my arousal is the immediate tell-tale measure of my primal enjoyment of an erotic writing. Portions of "Him" stays with me, even though my arousal has faded.

From a disected view ... the sparse use of punctuation in what was still my favorite passages in your story made a difficult read. At the risk of sounding authoritative beyond what I can and do claim ... my judgement is that you are a more accomplished writer than a technical review of your story would suggest, or that you are at the threshhold of a new level.

Was my deepest excitement over "Him" or over my imagination of the woman who wrote it? Honestly, I'm not sure.

SouthSkyEyes

"The orgasm is great - but I'd be disappointed to go to the 4th of July fireworks and only see a grand finale."

The story's voice is strong. There is dark passion and strong psychological currents throughout. But the writing destroys some of the flow. POV changes, tense changes, ambiguous exchanges (who asked permission for the bathroom?), certain awkward descriptions -- generally sloppy writing. A good edit might improve it substantially.

Generally your writing is exceptional. You clearly convey the desire of your characters. The change in voice and tense severly detract from the overall quality of the story though. This story would be Extremely Hot with a small amount of editing.