Hindsite

The one thing I must insist on though is a clean break. I don't want to send you a check each month or anything to that end. Our lawyers can work out a one-time payment or other suitable financial arrangements. It would be nice if you could spend Saturday out with Patti or your friends so I could come and get the rest of my things. I'd really like it if we could do that at least without involving the lawyers. I'll come by Saturday after nine in the morning. If you're still there I won't stop.

Always remember that I loved you with all of my heart and my fondest wish was to grow old and watch our grandkids with you. Since this probably won't happen, I'd like for us to wrap this up with all due haste and a minimum of unpleasantness. My lawyer assures me that most divorces don't actually end up in court. We have no custody or child support issues to work out so all we need to do is make financial arrangements, sign the papers and move on.

I really enjoyed the past twenty-five years, but that was probably just me being selfish. It's your turn to enjoy the next twenty-five. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Love always, Allen."

When I read that letter, the thing that went through my mind first, was relief. Patti had told me several times about how acrimonious her divorce had been. She and Greg had argued over every insignificant detail for months dragging their divorce out until it seemed like it took years for them to be free of each other. Even after it was over, he constantly stiffed her over her alimony payments until they ran out. They'd been divorced for over ten years and the two of them still couldn't run into each other without a fight happening.

The weirdest things about their divorce though, only I knew about. Greg dated a lot of women and Patti also dated, but neither of them had settled down with anyone else. More often than not Greg was dating sluts and Patti complained long and loud about the types of men she met. They were both unhappy. And secretly they'd gotten together on several occasions just to fuck. There were no strings attached and they didn't sleep with each other or spend the night. They just hooked up fucked and left without saying anything. I wondered if I'd ever be that desperate.

But at least Allen's letter let me know that he intended to be fair with me during the divorce. For the next few weeks I woke up whenever I felt like it. I worked in my garden though I didn't know why. The house was on the market and that made me want to cry but there was nothing I could do about it.

I hadn't held a job in over twenty years. There was no way I'd be able to afford the house. If I wanted it I would have to pay Allen half of the value of the house. And besides that there was simply no way I needed a place this big alone.

More than likely I'd end up in an apartment like Patti's. Maybe I'd end up in an apartment in Patti's building. That was an idea because then I'd have a friend nearby. Patti could be my guide to the carefree single life.

A few weeks later, Patti suggested that we share an apartment. I told her I liked the idea but I was worried about cramping her style. I didn't want to have her hesitant to bring home men after her dates. She just looked at me like I was crazy and said that it was worth it to save fifty percent on her rent and expenses. Plus, since I didn't work there's be someone at the apartment during the day to get her packages and make sure the super wasn't going through her things.

Less than three months later my divorce was final. Patti and I decided to go out to celebrate. Most nights we stayed in and drank and watched movies. This would be my first time going out as a single woman. We arranged all kinds of signals so one of us would know if the other was going to let a guy get lucky.

We sat at the bar for most of the night alone. The only difference between what we did that night was that instead of making the drinks ourselves, the bartender made them for us and they cost us a hell of a lot more.

Patti blamed it on the bar. She said we should have gone to a livelier place. I tried to remind her that there had been a lot of men there and I did see them hooking up with some of the women there. It was just a case where none of them had tried to pick us up. Maybe we were giving off a lesbian vibe. Or maybe we just weren't dressed slutty enough.

I'd had a feeling for the past few weeks that maybe I really hadn't treated Allen well. I was sure that yesterday had been hell on him. I imagined him sitting in some shitty little apartment alone last night, drinking himself to death. I felt bad for him.

I called Joy and Ted answered the phone. As soon as he found out who it was, he handed the phone to Joy without saying another word.

"Yeah, Mother," said Joy.

"How's your father?" I asked. "I know that yesterday was probably rough on him. Maybe I should call him and try to cheer him up."

"Mom, Dad is on a cruise," she said. "For months now he's withdrawn into a shell. He bought a nice little house in a really nice community. He's been fixing his house up and it's really nice. It's very plush. He has a small pool, a nice deck the whole nine yards. It sits on two acres and he hasn't even begun to landscape it. That was always your thing. He just did all of that crap to please you."

When she said that, something went through me. I don't know what it was. I just started to feel funny.

"Joy, why don't you just give me his phone number and when he gets back I'll give him a call," I said.

"Mom, I can't," she said. "I'm not sure he'd want you to have his number. You know that he hurt for months over what you said and the way things ended between you. For you, this is all just a big adventure. You wanted your freedom and you got it. You never went through any emotional upheavals, Mom. For you, it was just a change in your life. You've even started dating again. Ted and I spent weeks trying to comfort Dad. And even more weeks after that trying to get him to go out and do something. I think the only reason we got him to go on the cruise was because he didn't want to be anywhere around here on the date your divorce was final. It kills him for me to see him crying over you."

That last statement of hers made me feel even funnier. She was right, I'd walked away from the man I'd married with no more concern than if a gold fish had died.

"You know what they say, Mom," she said. "Freedom isn't always free. You got to be free from a man who worshipped you. And all it cost was breaking his heart."

Now I was sure that something was funny. "When your father returns from his cruise, why don't you ask him to call me," I said.

For the next few weeks, Patti and I went out three or sometimes four nights a week. Patti often hooked up with guys and went home with them which left to me come back to our apartment alone. She was so used to it that she had a big purse with all of the things she needed for her late night walk of shame. I asked her why she didn't just stay overnight.

She gave me a lot of reasons. She hated waking up in a strange place. She didn't want to worry about being late for work. She could trust a guy for sex but who knew what they might try to do to her during the night. Their wives might not like it. And her number one reason...They never asked her to.

She said that most of the guys she hooked up with described eternity as the period of time between when they came and she left.

One night Patti and I were in a bar and two guys came over to us. One of them was obviously after Patti and the other one spent a lot of time trying to talk to me. I pretty much ignored him until Patti dragged me into the ladies room.

"God damn it Carmen, this guy wants you badly," she said.

"So," I told her. "I'm not attracted to him at all."

"Why not?" she asked. "I know he isn't Allen, but he's not that bad and you haven't gotten laid since before your divorce. Shit, it's been at least eight months. Can you at least pretend to be interested so I can get laid?"

We went back out and I at least spoke to the guy. Truthfully he didn't interest me at all. When he put his hand on my leg, nothing happened. That should have told me something. I didn't get a tingle or anything. We ended up going back to one of the guy's place.

"Your wife has good taste," I said.

"Uhm, I'm divorced," he spat more to Patti than to me.

"Bullshit," I said. "I was looking for a towel and found all sorts of feminine things in your laundry closet.

"Uhm, I'm separated," he said.

"Look I don't care," I said. "It's no skin off my ass either way." Patti glared at me. A few minutes later she and the guy were headed up the stairs leaving me alone with his friend.

He scooted over to sit near me. He started rubbing on my leg and I told him to stop.

"Come on babe, you'll enjoy it. Lighten up a little bit and have some fun," he whined.

Actually I was wondering too. So I looked at my watch. "It's ten thirty," I said. "Leno comes on at eleven thirty. "I need fifteen minutes to drive home, ten minutes to change into my sleep wear and five minutes to make a drink and some popcorn. That gives you thirty minutes to get me interested enough to think about staying. Go to it."

He started rubbing me again and I thought about it. I remembered back when I was younger and having a man just touch me, even if I wasn't attracted to him caused a reaction in my body. For a second I thought about Allen and I felt a spark, but this guy was giving me nothing.

While I was thinking about it he ran his hand under my skirt and started to rub my vagina through my panties. He kept rubbing me the same way and it started to get boring. Allen used to do little things while he was down there. It wasn't just that this guy didn't rub like Allen. It was that I just wasn't getting anything.

One of his hands got busy on my breasts. I leaned back and looked at my watch. He noticed this and got a worried look on his face.

"How much time do I have left?" he asked.

"Six minutes," I said.

"Do you want me to suck your pussy?" he asked.

"Not unless you're talking about the cat back in my apartment," I said. I pulled my skirt back down and went to find Patti.

Before I got to the top of the stairs I could hear the springs on the bed creaking. The guy sitting dejectedly on the couch could hear them too.

"Tell Patti, I left," I said to him as I got ready to leave.

"Tell her yourself you fucking dyke," he said. He was sitting on the sofa with his arms folded across his chest. He looked so angry that I just quietly left. I didn't want to do or say anything to start him thinking about hitting me.

"Thanks a lot," said Patti the next morning.

"When I left you were getting what you wanted," I said.

"Oh yeah attack of the three inch dick," she smirked. "That guy humped me for about an hour and I barely felt anything. I kept praying for him to cum. It got so bad I looked in the drawer to find some lube because he was just chaffing the shit out of me. I found more Viagra than a pharmacy. And to make matter worse, when he finally got done we came downstairs and saw that his friend was so pissed he was ready to chew nails. He called you every type of lesbian in the book."

"My guy felt so bad for him, that he asked me to give his friend some pussy just to make him feel better. That let me know right then and there how the guy felt about me. He acted like I was some kind of whore. He looked me right in the face. His voice sounded like Joe Piscopo. "Why don't ya give old Sam some pussy too?"

"When I said no, make that hell no, Sam spoke up and told me that I was as big a lesbian as you are. I had to call a cab to get home and I couldn't find my panties anywhere. I hope his fucking wife finds them."

"Patti, I was going to let you know when I left but when I heard the bed squeaking, I didn't want to disturb you," I said.

All through the fall we had a bunch of similar experiences. I had mercy sex with a couple of guys who made me feel really bad. I was forced into sex once. I swore that would never happen again. Patti told me he was a really good guy and I had just teased him all night by letting him feel on my ass, my breasts and even stick a finger in me. When I didn't get wet he got a tube of lube and covered his dick with it and then just forced it into me. I screamed like a banshee and it hurt really badly. When he was done he apologized for about an hour and I could tell he felt really bad about it.

When Patti and I talked about it the next morning, I could tell it was going to be hard for her until she just came out and asked. "Carmen, are you a lesbian?"

I had to honestly tell her that I didn't know. I'd been divorced for over a year I'd been out on dates with maybe twenty different guys. I'd had sex with three or four and not one of them had made me feel a thing. Maybe I was. I'd read stories about women who hadn't known that they were gay or bi until later in life.

"Well, let's find out," she said. Patti took off her clothes. We live together and we were both women so I'd seen her naked hundreds of times. She got down on the bed and spread her legs. "Come over here and lick my pussy," she said. "Let's see if that does anything for you."

I have to admit that as I looked at her I did feel a stirring. I smiled and got down closer to her and all of a sudden I just threw up when I got close enough to catch her scent. During my marriage, Allen had always told me that I gave the best oral he'd ever had. I didn't mind and actually like sucking him off and swallowing because it gave him so much pleasure. But there was no way I was going to stick my tongue in Patti's furry hole. It just didn't seem even possibly pleasurable.

"Thanks bitch," Patti said as she headed for the shower. "You barfed in my kitty. I'll clean myself up, you change my sheets."

That ended the question of whether or not I was into women.

A few weeks later Patti sat me down again. I'd been worried about the fact that spring was almost here and my daughter was finally going to be walking down the aisle. The wedding had been delayed a couple of times but now seemed to be ready to happen. I didn't want to show up dateless for my daughter's wedding. I hadn't spoken to my husband in close to a year and a half. I'd been considering asking Joy to sit me near her father at the wedding. I'd thought it was a great idea. It would solve two problems. The first was that I could finally apologize to him for the way that I'd handled things and thank him for his fairness to me during the divorce. And secondly it would avoid the awkwardness of neither of us having dates.

I'd also been thinking about him a lot lately. I missed him. Okay, it wasn't a sexual missing type of feeling, but I missed the friendship we shared. I also missed waking up with him and most of all I missed knowing that someone other than myself loved me.

Since I'd lived with Patti, I'd begun to realize all the things I'd taken for granted. Things like Allen sitting there by my bedside and taking the day off from work just because I had a cold or the flu. Shit, I was almost fifty years old, I could handle being sick. But he'd always shown me so much love.

Anyway, things got interesting because Patti came home looking like she had the news of the decade. "Carmen, we're friends right?" she asked.

"Yes Patti," I said. "We have been since high school. We're almost like sisters."

"Good," she said. "...Because I have to ask you something. And I don't know how you're going to take it."

"We won't know until you ask," I said.

"On my way home tonight, I stopped off at a store to get us some wine because it's movie night and we're out," she said. "I heard this purring sound as I got out of my car. I looked up and saw Allen pulling into the parking lot in his Mustang. He's done a lot of stuff to it. I guess that's his hobby or something now. Anyway, I guess he's over his depression, because he looks really good. There wasn't a trace of sadness left in him."

"You know I always thought he was kind of cute. Anyway, I think he's dating some again because as he was shopping, I saw him getting two of most of the things he bought. So I was wondering how you'd feel about me going out with him?" she asked.

For the first time in months, I got a flash of emotion. I didn't say anything but the thought of Patti going out with my Allen filled me with anger. I imagined her with her legs spread and him sticking my dick in her furry pussy and I almost lost it and threw up again.

"I don't have any way of getting in contact with him," I said. "Sorry."

"Oh you don't have to worry about that," she said. "Joy's coming over to talk about the wedding with you later. She called earlier."

I ran the idea back and forth in my mind and the more I thought about it the more I decided that I didn't fucking like it at all. But Patti is my oldest friend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I didn't say anything.

My daughter did show up later. We talked about the final plans for her wedding and when rehearsals would start. I hadn't actually had very much to do with the planning and I felt bad about it. She told me that some of the things that happened at some weddings would be omitted from hers to avoid hurting mine and her father's feelings. Like she told me that I didn't have to worry about any awkwardness because I wouldn't have to sit next to her father. I also wouldn't have to dance with him.

"But I don't mind sitting with your father," I said. "And it would only be one dance. Your father isn't a very good dancer anyway."

She just looked at me and shook her head.

"Well he isn't," I said. "He's stepped on my feet so many times." She just continued to shake her head.

"Mom, that isn't it," she said. "It was Daddy who didn't want to dance with you. Daddy is a great dancer now. But he didn't want Selena to get jealous."

My head started to hurt then. "Who the fuck is Selena," I snapped. My mouth felt funny and I was hot all over. It seemed like I could only get one side of my mouth to move. I tried to stand up so Joy could tell me who this Selena was and the leg on my left side just gave out.

After that everything went blurry. Joy sat me down and called 911. The only thing going through my mind was who the fuck is Selena?

I woke up several hours later with my daughter and Patti sitting next to me. They called for a nurse when I regained consciousness. The nurse came in accompanied by a doctor. He looked in my eyes and checked my vitals. He asked me to hold my hands out to him and I did. He told me to slap his hands, one at a time. I tried to knock the shit out of him. He was treating me like I was a moron.

"Can you say something for me?" he asked. He was still talking really slow.

"Joy, who the fuck is Selena?" I asked.

"She's talking really clearly and really well," he said. "She has control of her motor skills and her speech."

"She also doesn't have any memory loss," said Joy. "She picked up right where we left off."

"Yeah, but her blood pressure is going right back up too," said the doctor. "Maybe you'd better talk her down." He went off to do whatever it is doctor's do and left me with Joy and Patti.

"Mom, do you remember the cruise that dad went on all the months ago right after your divorce?" asked Joy.

"Let me guess. He met some old whore there and fell in love with her?" I snapped. Neither, Patti or Joy could believe how angry I was.

"Mom, if you don't calm down, I'll have them sedate you," said Joy. I looked at her and she started talking again.

"Dad did meet some people on the cruise, but he didn't meet Selena there. He met the people from his car club there. They're a group of people of all ages who drive muscle cars like Dad's Mustang. He started doing things with them and going to car shows and taking trips. I liked it because it got him out of his house and more importantly out of his shell. I don't think you understand how painful it was to sit there and watch my father slowly dying before my eyes."