Hindsite

"I'm very calm," I said. "And I remember all of that. I'm the bad guy. I just threw your dad away like an old piece of shit. Now can we get to the point?"

"Anyway, a few weeks after dad started, Selena showed up at one of the meetings. She drives one of those new Camaros. Her husband bought it. He was a Camaro nut like Dad is a Mustang guy. Her husband had died fighting in the war in Iraq. Her uncle was a member of the club and dragged her out just to get her to leave her house too. It took a while but she and Dad started hanging out. She has a son who's about six or seven years old. Whenever they go anywhere they take him with them. I guess it started out completely non-romantic. They just did things together. They took a dance class together and they did car stuff and picnics. Dad helps out with her son's baseball team. She's really nice Mom and she's invited to the wedding. She helped out a lot with the planning. If you give her a chance Mom, I think the two of you could be friends. After all, you don't have anything to argue over. You didn't want Dad and although she won't admit it, I think she does."

I didn't know how to tell Joy that without ever having seen her, I was already upset at Selena.

Over the next two days, the doctors and staff of the hospital ran all kinds of tests on me. I'd had a very mild stroke. In a very few days I'd be as right as rain. But they'd also discovered that I had high blood pressure. In addition to that, I had a very severe hormone imbalance. For the high blood pressure initially I'd be on medication. But if I changed my diet and exercised more I might be able to give up the medication. If I didn't, I'd have to be on the drugs for the rest of my life.

They also started hormone therapy on me while I was in the hospital. It only took three days on the hormones before my body started to react. I was horny as hell and I wanted my husband back.

I was scheduled to leave the hospital the day before Joy's final wedding rehearsal. My seamstress had come to the hospital and fitted my dress. After a week in hospital on hospital food and a low fat, low sodium diet I'd already lost a few pounds.

I asked Joy why her father hadn't visited me in the hospital and she looked at me like I was crazy. "Mom, you do remember how badly you hurt him don't you?" she asked. "We're just lucky he's coming to the wedding. For a long time I thought it was going to be an either or thing."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I thought that either you'd be there or he would," she said. "But I was sure that there was no way for me to have both of you."

"Joy, I was never angry at your father," I said. "In fact, I never stopped loving him. I'd have no problem with both of us attending your wedding."

"I know that Mom," she said. "Well I know most of it. It was him. The things you said about not loving him anymore and how he didn't turn you on hurt him badly. He'd have been too embarrassed to come anywhere near you."

"Well I was wrong," I said.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Joy, I still love your father and I want him back. I can't wait to see him and tell him," I told her.

"Mom don't try to start any shit at my wedding," she snapped. "If I have to I'll have them haul your ass out of there. Unlike some of the women in this family, I'm only going to do this once. I met the man I want to spend the rest of my life making miserable."

"Don't you understand?" I said.

"Yeah Mom," she said. "I get it. I've spent a lot of time talking to Aunt Patti. She told me all about your lives. You wanted to be free. You got it. Now you're bored with that too, like you got bored with Daddy. So you've decided to try to get him back when he's finally gotten over you and found his own happiness."

"No, silly," I smiled. "I had a hormone imbalance. My system was all out of whack. It slowly moved up over time to the point where I simply had no type of sexual or romantic desire at all. I was like a robot. Patti and I would go out and guys would feel all over me and it didn't affect me at all. They could stick their fingers in my pussy, feel my tits or do anything they wanted to and I just didn't react. Even the ones who got to fuck me didn't get a reaction out of me. I just felt nothing."

"But now that I'm on hormone replacement therapy it's all coming back," I said.

"Well Mom, I'm glad it's coming back for you. And this one is better than reading it on the internet and deciding that you didn't love Daddy, but remember my warning. If you bother Daddy, or you bother Selena, if you fuck up my wedding in any way, shape or form, I'll have you thrown out and never speak to you again."

She just shook her head as she left. I had the decided opinion that my own daughter didn't believe me. I really believe that she thought I was running some kind of con game on her and I'd just gotten bored of the single life and wanted my husband back for the comfort and security he could offer.

Patti came by later and took me home. She grumbled a bit about having to go and pick up all of my various prescriptions. Most of the drugs I had to get were temporary. I'd only be on them for a month or so. After that there would only be the hormones and the high blood pressure medications.

We also had to go shopping for the foods that I needed for my diet. I asked her what she was so upset about and she told me. She hadn't been able to find a suitable date for the wedding yet and it was really bothering her. To Patti, Joy was the closest thing she would ever have to a daughter. She held a very important position in the wedding and was getting her hair done and having her makeup done by a professional stylist for the occasion.

"Why not take one of your bar hook-ups?" I asked.

"Carmen, those guys don't want to be anywhere near a wedding. Guys our age and older are already married, divorced, or never going to marry. In any of those cases none of them wants to go to a wedding. The guys that don't want to get married think that asking them to go to a wedding is like giving them a hint that they don't want. The guys who are already married have no interest in weddings and are probably worried about someone who knows their wife seeing them there with another woman. I may have to go with an escort. That will be embarrassing, because even if no one finds out, I'll know that I just couldn't get a date," she said.

"But Patti, we get dates all the time," I said. "We could probably get more if we wanted but we don't go out every night."

She looked at me again and tilted her head to the side.

"Carmen, do you know what a date is?" she asked me.

I was beginning to get pissed with everyone treating me like I was touched in the head. "Of course I do," I snapped. "We went on one last week, remember?"

"Carmen," she said gently. "We don't go on dates, Honey, we never have. A date is when a guy who wants to get to know you better, takes you out so he can spend time with you and learn more about you. Sometimes it's dinner or a movie or anything else. On a date the guy is trying to impress you so you'll become interested in him. We don't do dates Carmen, we do hook-ups."

I looked back at her and she continued. "When a guy asks you out on a date, the main activity is the date. Of course, most guys are hoping that you'll give them something extra afterward if you like them and had a good time, but the date is the main thing," she said.

"We meet guys in bars or clubs. They don't pick us up or bring us to them. They don't spend any money on us and if we leave the bar or party with them, the understanding is that there's going to be sex. In short, they're not interested in getting to know us, Carmen. They just want to get laid. Remember when we were young and pretty and guys used to fight over us? Remember the way we looked at those women who hung out in the bars and pretty much fucked anything that came through the door? Well, we're only one step above them now. We're not so desperate that we'll fuck anything, but we're to the point where we're giving any guy who's reasonable a shot."

"Maybe you are," I said. "But I'm getting my husband back."

Patti started shaking her head. "I wish you luck, Honey. Maybe it's possible because that man loved you like there was no tomorrow. But Carmen, you hurt him badly with what you said. If he's still carrying that memory around, I don't think your chances are good. You haven't seen him lately have you?"

I shook my head. "Carmen, he's as shiny as a new penny. He's probably running even more because he's dropped a few pounds and he moves like a younger guy. He's always been fit so maybe it's just that we move slower because we're not. He dresses better too. And he smiles. That day that I saw him in the supermarket, he was smiling the whole time."

"But I know Allen," I said. "As soon as he finds out that I want him back and explain things to him, we'll talk and put all of this behind us. Tomorrow night at the wedding rehearsal will be the start of our second phase of life together."

"So what's he going to say about the guys you went home with or the ones you fucked?" she asked.

"It'll probably be better if we don't mention that," I said.

"Well sooner or later it's going to come up," she said. "And I'm thinking that you're wrong about that too. If you don't mention it and he finds out from someone else, it could ruin everything for you. You're hoping that eventually the two of you will get married again right?"

"We'll duh," I said. "We never should have been divorced in the first place."

"Then you really need to tell him because if someone else does it'll seem like we're a couple of old whores who are so desperate to get fucked that we go out looking for it. Actually we're worse than whores because we do it for free," she said. "Loneliness can be a terrible thing."

Patti and I got dressed up for the wedding rehearsal the next day. We went over to the church and learned where we'd stand and what we'd do for both the wedding itself and during the reception. Several people arrived late and we had to either repeat parts or tell them what they'd do on the date of the event.

Another thing that bothered me was when the wedding planner said things like, "Okay and after the bride and groom dance together, their parents have the next dance." Joy would tell her, "We're not doing that."

"Why?" asked the wedding planner. "It's traditional, it's nice and it's kind of fun. When you've been married for fifty years and you look back at your wedding video, you'll look more like your mother and father than you look the way you look now."

"Because there's no way my dad would dance with my mom," said Joy. "And I wouldn't try to force him to for all of the tea in China."

"I wouldn't do it either," said her fiancé Ted.

"You'll never have to worry about it, babe," she said stroking his face. "I'd never treat you like that." I think for a second they forgot that I was standing right there.

"Okay, scratch the parent's dance," said the wedding planner to her assistant.

Later on I got the chance to corner Joy and talk to her. "Joy, where's your father?" I asked. "Shouldn't he be at the rehearsal too?"

"Don't worry, Mom," she smiled. "Daddy and I practiced him walking me down the aisle about a hundred times already and Selena knows her parts too. They went to a car show in Texas."

"What do you mean she knows her parts too?" I asked. "What's she doing? I don't think I've been to a wedding that had parts for the date du jour of the father of the bride."

"Mom, I've already warned you about starting any shit," said Joy. "The wedding is all about the bride. This is my day not yours. You had your turn. Selena is helping out with a lot of the behind the scenes things. She's helping me to attach my veil to the headdress and to the dress and a lot of other things too. She's going to let them know when I'm ready for Daddy to walk me down the aisle and start the ceremony. She's just doing a lot of the running around stuff that you can't do."

"So in other words she's doing a lot of the stuff that the mother of the bride would normally do?" I snapped.

"No mom," she said exasperatedly. "You're doing all of the showy stuff and being introduced as the mother of the bride. She's just doing all of the stuff that after your stroke, you can't do. You know the behind the scenes thankless things that no one ever thinks about, but the wedding wouldn't go off smoothly without. Selena is not one of those people that just wants to be seen and tries to upstage the bride. She just wants to help. Of course, I'm sure everyone will notice her anyway."

"Did you speak to your father about the dances and the seating arrangements?" I asked. "I think that taking out the parent's dance was a mistake. And I really don't see a problem sitting next to your father at the ceremony. I mean it's only a couple of dances and a few moments of sitting near each other. Surely your father wouldn't object to that?"

"Well Mom, it's not your wedding," she spat. "And while I value your opinion, it's my decision. Daddy told me to do whatever I wanted and he'd do it my way. I love him too much to make him do something that he wouldn't be comfortable with, so this is the way we're doing it."

While we were at the rehearsal, Patti had spotted a few guys that she liked. She decided that the best possible plan would be to meet them at the wedding and she could perhaps even dance and sit with one of them. She wanted to look her best and unlike the bridesmaids she could wear anything she wanted. She went with a bright yellow dress that I didn't see on her until the day of the wedding. I thought that it was kind of short for someone our age, but I liked the color.

I decided to go all out too. If I was going to win my husband back from this Selena woman, I'd need too. I was sure that Selena was no more attractive than I was. I'd used my TEDometer to determine that. I asked Ted how I looked. He screwed up his face and said I looked fine for a woman my age. Then I asked him how Selena looked and he looked like someone had punched him in the gut. He said she looked...Uhm okay. I could tell he was trying to be diplomatic. So I was sure that I was at least as attractive as she was and possibly more attractive.

That got me to thinking about it. She'd had a child so maybe her hips had spread a bit and her boobs sagged. She was also obviously a tom boy type since Allen met her in his car club. No one had described her as being anything other than nice. So once Allen got a look at me all dolled up, I didn't think I'd have very much trouble getting him back.

I went to Patti's stylist and got my hair done the day before the wedding. I made an appointment to get my makeup done when Patti got hers done too and I went out and bought myself a very nice dress. It wasn't as short as Patti's but it was a bright pink. That way it would stand out but without being as garish or as loud as Patti's yellow one.

The day of the wedding came and I was excited. Patti and I got our makeup done and went to the church. Everyone was staring at us as we got out of the car and went into the church. I looked at the dresses that most of the guests were wearing and liked ours much better. They stood out as the mother of the bride should.

People kept smiling at me whenever they saw me. Some of them were dressed so dowdy and understatedly that you'd have thought they were going to a funeral.

There was one woman who was handing out programs or something as we entered the church. She was beautiful but she had no idea of how to dress for a wedding. She didn't even have a dress on. She wore a suit. It was fitted beautifully. The top and blouse showed that she had nice boobs but was completely closed so that no cleavage showed. The skirt was tight and showed off her curves and it went all the way down to mid-calf with just a hint of a split. It accented her long legs without showing anything. She had really nice smoky chestnut brown hair and big green eyes. She was about thirty or thirty five, so I figured she was probably one of the groom's relatives who'd helped out.

She handed me a program as I walked in and told me that she loved my dress. She said the same thing to Patti and we both smiled at each other.

"That was a nice girl," said Patti.

"She really is," I agreed.

As Patti and I walked into the church, it seemed like every head there turned to look at us. Patti was looking around for one of the guys she'd seen at the rehearsal. We sat together for a while until Patti jumped up and started waving when she spotted one of the guys she'd been waiting for. She stopped waving when she noticed that he wasn't alone. "That bastard is married," spat Patti.

I got up to get some water to take my medication with and noticed the woman on the door was still waiting there after everyone was seated. I smiled at her and asked her why she hadn't come in. She told me that she was waiting for her date, he was running late.

"Men," I said. "They're always either rushing us or keeping us waiting."

"Yeah but this one is definitely worth waiting for," she said. As she said this, her smile broadened just a smidgen more. I wondered if my face had been that smooth when I was her age. And I wondered if my emotions had been that clear and easily readable. This girl was in love, there was no doubting it.

Just as I walked back inside the church, an usher, a teenaged boy, came and got me. He had Patti with him too. He took us further back in the church to the room that Joy was dressing in. As we passed by I heard someone whispering about two old sluts dressed in clown dresses and heavy makeup. I was pissed. I just hoped I'd see them. I'd give them a piece of my mind. How dare they make a spectacle on my daughter's day?

As Joy came into the room, I was astounded. She looked radiant. Her headdress was already attached and her veil was up. All she'd have to do would be to lower it. Whoever Selena was she did really good work.

"Mother, what are you wearing?" spat Joy. "And you too Aunt Patti. Why would you do this?"

"What did we do?" I asked. Patti shrugged her shoulders. Somewhere in the back of my mind it started to penetrate. Joy was wearing a very soft white dress with highlights, trim and veil, done in a pale peach color. Her bridesmaids were also very tasteful. Their dresses were peach with white trim in a perfect contrast to Joy's dress. Patti and I had chosen colors that were so bright they were almost garish.

"Mother, just go sit somewhere in the back, please," said Joy. "Maybe between the wedding and the reception you can go home and change into something you can wear for the pictures."

Patti and I slunk back out into the church. Instead of going up front where we had been sitting we ended up taking seats in the very back row. Every row of people we passed had people looking at us out of the corners of their eyes. They were too polite to simply stare at us, but before we got to the back I felt like we were in a candy shop because there were so many snickers.

"It could have been worse," said Patti. "We could have been the two old sluts in clown dresses."

"Dammit, Patti," I said. "We ARE the two old sluts." Then things got worse. It was a warm spring day so they'd left the door to the church open. I suddenly realized what they'd been waiting for. I heard that raucous growl of Allen's Mustang's exhaust system. Shit you'd have thought he could find a way to turn that thing down for the wedding. I looked out the back door and saw him getting out of his car.

He really did look good. He looked incredible. His hair was cut shorter and he'd apparently stopped dying it. He was rocking a short salt and pepper close cropped hair cut. It looked really good.

"I told you," said Patti, when she noticed the way I watched him make his way to the church. I was smiling so much I got lipstick on my ears.