tagHow ToHow to Survive a Gargauntuan

How to Survive a Gargauntuan

bySean Renaud©

I hope that you are reading this for purely comedic purposes. I hope that you haven't found yourself in yet another situation where my expertise in surviving the extreme going to be of some use to you but if you are reading this for your own survival my prayers are with you and I'll skip the morality tale until the end of this guide because you need to know the basis of how to survive a gargantuan. I'm going to start by defining gargantuan and then their most common types.

The gargantuan are Earth's way of punishing us for mistreating the planet that we live on. They are usually born of toxic sludge or nuclear radiation. This information is only of minor use, it might tell you how the creature was made and in certain cases how to defeat the monster though I highly recommend that you simply run for the duration of the attack and then ready yourself to rebuild afterwards. Only in the most extreme of cases should the monster be confronted. In fact right now we should review the first rule of surviving a gargantuan. I want you to say this part out loud.

Run, run or I'll be well done.

That's very important, particularly for the kinds that are capable of breathing any kind of fire or radiation. You'd be amazed how common it is that these giant monsters that can knock over buildings without trying and could easily kill us without being able to set the world on fire can in fact set the world on fire. I know it's not really fair but that's just the way that these things work. So if it can breathe fire/sludge/electricity/radiation you should get the fuck out as fast as possible.

Okay now we should take a moment to identify the monster. What are its origins? Is it a toxic monster that might be attracted to waste dumps? Is it born of nuclear radiation where it will be drawn to your power plants? Is it made of trash so you should get as far away from dumps or was it a military experiment? If you know what the creature's home or goals are you should make certain that you are not at the goal or equally important between the monster and its goal.

Is the monster intelligent, usually this boils down to if it looks like it's a giant mammal or a giant. . .well anything else. You can't reason with a giant lizard, it doesn't care what your name is or why you should be allowed to live. Giant insects have been known to respond well to singing midget women, if you can't supply any of these I suspect that a full collection of Bratz dolls and a recording of the Spice Girls "Tell me what you want" may suffice to sooth the beasts. Giant mammals, most often apes, are a bit of a problem. They can often reason out any traps that you've set for them and worse than that they will actively hunt down their goal, most often the sexiest blonde around. Normally I would say that you should fight for Nicole Kidman with all your might, but seriously King Kong will knock you straight the fuck out and there is no real point in you dying.

The final kind of giant monster that you can be having an issue with is called a Mecha. There are advantages and disadvantages to fucking with a Mecha. One on side is that a mecha has a human controller. The human being might be inside the mecha or might be controlling it remotely but there is somebody that can be reasoned with. More than that if the goal of this beast isn't to destroy everything you can just stay out of the way and you'll be just fine.

The best bet in general when caught in this circumstance is to find a place as far out of the beast's way and just ride it out. However since that is common sense and if you couldn't figure that out with out a guide there really isn't much point in expecting that you can read anyway. So instead of wasting any more time on that subject I'm going to instead explain to you what your best combat methods are if you find yourself forced defend yourself against a gargantuan. \

The option that has shown the most success over the years is to hire your own monster. If you're city is known for being destroyed by a certain monster find it and wake it up. It's true that you run the risk of increasing the collateral damage to real estate but what do you care? There will be one less monster in the world and if you're extraordinarily lucky they might both die. Realistically though only the invading monster will die, the reason is simple. Home court advantage, works for sports teams, works for professional wrestlers, works for gargantuan, as a general rule gargantuan are extremely territorial and will never allow another be in their territory unchallenged.

People want to call out the military; if there is nothing else that we have shown it's that small arms are useless against these creatures. Generally it takes nothing shy of a missile to even get the creature's attention, which makes senses based on their size. The point that I'm making is that if you are calling military strikes you are wasting time, bullets and lives. The only exception is if you are Japanese. The reason is that I know for a fact that Power Rangers, Gundam Wing and the Big O aren't just entertainment; they are instructional videos on how to properly pilot mecha. If you have a four hundred foot tall robot that might, just might be enough to combat the threat.

Your military is much better used setting traps wherever you can accomplish. Pits lined with explosives have shown some success in battling these creatures as well. If you cannot set a trap, you cannot summon another monster and you do not come from a country that has produced bipedal tanks capable of traveling on any terrain without difficulty your options are severely limited. There are two things left and honestly both of them are long shots. The first what the military minds are going to be suggesting from the get go. Nuclear weapons. Now I want you to remember, the reason why this snapping turtle went from two feet across to two hundred feet across and capable of flying like a rocket by pulling its legs into its shell and firing radiation beams out is because it had a run in with nuclear power. I think you run a significant risk of just making things worse if you nuke the creature. The other is hope that science has a sudden break through. Considering that science is what got us into this problem in the first place it can often help us get out of the same situation. One time there was a pollution monster and we erected fifty foot speakers and played the "Safety Dance" until the creature died of boredom.

There is one last thing that I should tell you before I cut you loose into the world and that the all too common event that the monster you meat is something that is unprecedented. Such as bout two years ago when some monster ravaged New York, it sent out small hunters into the sewers. Basically you had all the problems of a gargantuan and a zombie infestation and since the strategies for surviving them are so different it lead to a great deal of confusion. When you come upon those situations I can only say to you that I hope you survive long enough to write your own addendums to this guide so that if I find myself in your situation that I can survive.

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bySean Renaud© 1 comments/ 11704 views/ 0 favorites

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