All Comments on 'I Lied'

Boring, unemotional, horribly written - overused plot, but I guess not bad for a 1st try.

to contest the divorce.

Of course, if she finds out about the relationship between hubby and the immigration official, Denise could lose her job, the deportation could be derailed, and Aiesha might be around to cause him trouble for years.

I loved it.

Bravo! I enjoyed every minute.

Plus you left some room for improvement. Your choice of marital consequence allows for some quiet approval and tolerance for future growth (it was a bit extremish tho wasn't it). Well you made your point and mark.<P>

Thanks writer - grow with some of the comments and discard those without constructive thought.

there use to be a lot of good writers on this site,that wrote stories like this one.somewhere they chicken out or stop writing.

We really enjoyed this one!

The only cliche you left out was winning the $100 million dollar lottery. Other than that - good effort.

Don't waste your time on this piss-poor excuse for a story.

wow this story is a bad cliche filled tub of bullshit

<br></br>

The opening scene is a killer....it is SOOOOOO bad. Lets review...

<br></br>

Over the past <b> 4 months </b> his whore wife has been dating Other men. A LOT fo them.

<br></br>

She has never said "I love you" to him.

<br></br>

She tells him that he hates HIS kids....calls them bastards...

<br></br>

she says her lover is a better fuck and has a bigger cock

<br></br>

AND tells him she married ONLY for the green card and to become a US Citizen

<br></br>

and he is Just now getting around to saying to this bitch "I want you to move out...?"

<br></br>

and of course this guy just happens to be a Karate master

<br></br>

whatever...

That story was a very good start and i will be looking

for your name in future stories.What a lot of new authors

do not think about,once you submit a couple stories you

have sealed your reputation and i for one will skip over

stories or read them based on stories i have read.

Awful prose. For example, "I want to sue Sam Bennett for alienation of affection or intentional infliction of emotional distress or something." I like the <I>or something</I> option. Terrible dialog, unbelievable characters, uninteresting plot with all the narrative drive of a caterpillar. The story does have an impact character and, if Aiesha wasn't from another planet, she might be believeable. I liked it when the author made Ben a martial artist. Yeah, that always works for me. Best of all is the happy trails ending. Our hero kicks the bad guy's ass, just like in the westerns, then gallops off into the sunset with his new squeeze, having foiled their evil plot, preserving Truth, Justice and the 'Merican Way! Please.

<P>

Here's the Dreaded Double Egg of Egregious Excrement for a badly done story. I can't believe I've agreed with Harry twice in as many days. Surely, this is a sign of the Apocalypse.

Get your young ass back to school English 101 is just starting. Run don't walk but get your dumb ass back in school or join the Army!!!! The story was a good idea the English piss poor!

That means all the wimps and man haters on this site will roast you over this story but please write more. :)

not bad at all.

This is not the best I have ever read, but it is far from the worst. A crdible and decent firt effort. Good luck, I will read your next one.

Good first effort. Do work on your style. Keep writing! Most of the detractors are anonymous as all cowards should be. As far as the cliche's - true there were a few BUT at least the story didn't start with "a dark and stormy night" Keep writing you'll get better.

FINALLY a writer that knows how to write cheating ife stories. A husband with a peir of balls. It don't get any better than that. Look forward to more of your stories.

Some people get off on critisising others.They are a bunch of twats. I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It was a very good first effort regardless of what the twats say. I look forward to reading more from you, well done.

Great first effort spiderman. Please continue writing.

I like certain part of the story of him standing up to the second wife finally taking matters in hand instead of taking it lying down like all other wimp stories.

What I didn't like was the way you describe him jumping from one woman immediately to another Denise Saunders. It just didn't jive. I mean, he wasn't even out of a bad relationship and then he was already trying to hook up with another? Guess, something never change. Also, your story has no proper punctuation. It was hard to follow honestly. And I wish you had downplay his overly smug confidences of taking Sam down. You also never told us how he managed to tape their liaison. One could only try guessing that he hired a P.I.

All in all it wasn't really a good story nor was it really a bad story. Just that some parts were a bit far-fetched and really you should watch your punctuation.

Remember to make use of an ed, so good luck in your future work.

<p>This melodramatic piece of fluff reads like the daydream of a 14-year old boy, dreaming about what he should have done after his first girl friend dumped him.</p>

</p>Sorry, dude. You need to educate yourself into the basics of punctuation and grammar. After that, take some classes to learn how to develop characters from one to at least two dimensions. Then you'll be ready to learn how to construct believable dialogue.</p>

<p>Ron123XYZ@foreveranonymous.naturally</p>

I enjoyed your story although there were way too many cliches. The husband being a martial arts expert. The helpful woman at immigration being drop dead gorgeous and not being aware of the fact. The immigration woman accepting a date with a man turning his wife in for immigration fraud and falling for him. The husband exacting revenge on his wife and her lover and apparently living happily ever after. Don't listen to the idiots trashing your story. I hope to read more from you. I think you have a lot of potential.

Keep writing. Use the free resource here of an editor. Above all keep writing and don't give much weight to Annon. or any of his cousins.

Spiderman:

<p>Your story had a credible germ of an idea. However, its execution was terribly awkward. At times it was painful to read.</p>

<p>Your protagonist exhibits inconsistent behavior. He tolerates his wife's infidelity and then decides to get tough when she announces she is leaving him. After a now-failed second marriage, he is ready to jump into a new relationship with a woman he has just met. Perhaps he hasn't yet realized that he has difficulty in assessing the prospects of marital partners.</p>

<p>I was uncomfortable with the dialog you wrote. Firstly, your quotation marks indicating someone's speaking were erratic. I wasn't sure whether one person was through speaking or another was starting. Secondly, the dialog just didn't ring true. It seemed more an extension of the narrative than a credible conversation between characters.</p>

<p>Your protagonist's expertise in marital arts has already been addressed. Suffice to write that when in doubt, make your leading male character accomplished in meting out physical punishment. The dinner scene and its romantic implications were too great a leap of faith to be believable.</p>

<p>Take solace in that a number of people enjoyed your story. However, don't be misled by suggestions that you ignore those comments which panned it. Many gave you good and valuable advice on how you might improve. There are some readers here whose only criterion is that they be thrown a bone. There are others who want meat on that bone. It's up to you to decide what kind of a story you want to submit. I suggest that in any ensuing submissions you avail yourself the services of an editor.</p>

<p>Good luck in future efforts.</p>

Keep writing and you will improve with more attention to details. Not bad at all for a first effort

PT

<p>I liked the premise of the story, just not some of the execution of it.</p>

<p><b>Self respect</b>. I for one liked that you had him stand up for himself, but I didn't like that it took him so long to do it according to the story. Specially with kids involved. I think you tried to explain it was because he was desperate for the love she was failing to return, or that he thought that if he stood by long enough she would come back, but again like a few commented, it was through too long a period. Most men would have found their self respect long before this. Making him wait so long to find it after so many men makes him look desperate and weak regardless of what you were intending. And with her disrespecting the kids it makes him look like he was willing to sacrifice his kids happiness if she would pay him some small attention or have sex with him. That she was so good in bed he was willing to put up with her boyfriends if she would eventually stop.</p>

<p><b>Martial Arts training</b>. Let me say this. There are actually more people that have Martial Arts training in some form or another than people give credit or realize. I myself was up to 2nd degree Brown back a few years (10 years ago), I won quite a few mens underbelt division contest and was pretty good at Forms and weapon demos (chucks, sword, and bow staff). But if I had to try and use what I learned years ago I'd get my butt handed to me on a dirty plate, because most wouldn't bother to spring for a clean one. I tried to show my kids how to use a pair of chucks and almost insured that there would be no more born of my line ever again, though years ago I could do it in the dark or blindfolded without worry.</p>

<p>But having him have such "secret" training, that even his wife didn't know about, gives most of us readers the impression that he didn't practice it often or rarely. If he wasn't practicing it then more than likely he was going to get rusty not be the killing machine you made him out to be. If he was routinely practicing enough to be that deadly then she would be aware and would have warned her new boyfriend and he wouldn't have been caught flat footed like this. The only reason that looks bad is because it looks like your trying to re-establish his manhood after letting his wife walk all over it. That almost never works for most readers it appears more savage than redeeming.</p>

<p><b>Proof</b>. I liked that he was taping the conversation, but like someone said, where and how did he do it. And why didn't she notice? Little details like that detract from the story because you spend your time wondering how that happened and before you realize it you have to go back and re-read a part because your mind wandered.</p>

<p>Last point, <b>" "</b> 's. Without them it made it hard to tell who was talking, when he was thinking to himself, and when he was speaking to someone else. At some points I just had to <i>guess</i> at what you were trying to say. I wish I was more sure, but I'm really not.</p>

<p>For your first attempt it was pretty good, but it had a few over used elements. I'm not saying it couldn't work, but it needed reasons for the elements to be there. Like the wife knew he was a martial artist, but the other guy was too and he thought was better than her husband, but he was <i>wrong</i>, or someway to explains why he had the training through out most of the story so that it doesn't look like it was introduced for the sole purpose of being a way to assert the main characters manhood so that other women would be impressed at the manly display, but kept hidden somehow until that moment. Another neat trick would be having him fight, but get a few lucky shots that the other guy never saw coming. That does the trick too without being "too" over the top, and coming back down the other side. Or one story I read where the other guy was a boxer, but never raised his hand to his wife's lovers once. He found a more "creative" way for revenge. Just a few suggestions.</p>

<p>Keep writing and we'll check out your next story</p>

-Risq

liked the story.There were no lingering feelings of remorse,just good old fashioned revenge.

This story is a good example of what is more a 'Revenge is Sweet' tale than 'Loving Wives'. The reader is left wondering why Aeisha chose him from the beginning though. A high school teacher with 2 kids is not exactly the ideal choice for a beautiful but manipulative green card hunting whore. Perhaps more back story is needed? Still the main thrust is revenge, and it is nicely done.

I read some of the comments I agree with some (e.g. 4 years is too long to put with her abuse especially with young kids around) and disageee with others(e.g., his wife knew about his martial arts training so it was no secret). I did not get you the highest score because the story seemed rushed given the wealth of tidbits disclosed.____________

I thought you could have developed how Aiesha's father and Ben came to the kind of relationship where Ben made that promise (not typical). You could have written how Aiesha became the bitch. What about how the boys were thrusted upon Ben and Aiesha? Ben seems to have poor skill in picking a loving wife so he just stumbles on Denise?_____

Lastly, the fraud case against Aiesha was weak. Aiesha and Ben were married for 4 years not 6 months. Any good lawyer would claim that her statements were made in angry over a failed relationship which Ben was happy with for 2+ years. So what if she got someone new that is no different than 50% of the divorced couples. Most of the iNS fraud cases surround people would pretend to be married in order to get U.S. citizenship.________________________________________

Thanks for an excellent story!___________________________

SleeplessinMD

Very nice, indeed! It was much better than a mjority of the stories of this nature. If I had not read it, I would not have suspected this was a first effort. Best wishes with your subsequent efforts.

well spiderman you have spun a great story i loved how you won the heart of denise and set the ass hole frank straight and the martial arts was a nice touch i hope you will continue with more of the same writing spiderman keep up the great writing.

Atlanta,Ga

I applaud your effort and hope to see more from you. However, I must be honest and tell you that this story was a mess. From the first, you misspelled Aiesha's name multiple times. How do you misspell the name of your female antagonist? And how do you misspell her name repeatedly?

The story also lacked a coherent flow. In some cases you had a single paragraph when two should have been written. In those cases your paragraph expressed too many themes.

You also misused the ellipse. They are written as 3 spaced periods not 8. I could forgive the first mistake, but you kept repeating it. A good editor would have caught those errors.

In addition, you need work on your dialogue. In real speach people do not repeat themselves the way in which your characters did. You violated so many rules of dialogue that that too was distracting.

As for the story, well it was sort of dull. The wife was pure evil, the husband a dolt with martial arts training (of the Phillipine variety no less), and you threw in 2 children for sympathy.

As for Denise, you rushed that relationship so fast it's no wonder the husband ended up married to Aiesha. You gave the impression that this man falls for women VERY quickly without investigating them first.

By the way, why was it necessary to have Aiesha be from Turkey? And if so, why not give her a turkish name. In that regard you need more research for some of the fundamental elements of your story and I would recommend reading some papers on how to write dialogue and some on the rules of grammar.

I won't kid you like some other commentators. You story needed work. Please take the time to proofread it first and to let another pair of eyes review it before submitting it for public consumption.

<p>I did make one comment, where I didn't say what I meant correctly</p>

<p>I didn't mean that he's wife didn't know he did martial arts, I meant that she had no idea of "what" he could do with them. Like she may have thought that he was playing at being a martial artist as some form of hobby that he might not be any good at or because she had no real intrest in finding out what he could do, then "BAM" one day when it all goes wrong for her she finds out that he's far better than any one she may have ever heard or seen before. I just didn't feel it was explained well enough to do anything other than serve as a way to reassert this manhood. And when you added that another woman was impressed enough to give him her number after the beat down the guy his wife was sleeping with, that kinda reaffirmed that too me. </p>

<p>Someone able to drop someone that fast and quick isn't a casual martial artist. And someone that proficent has something to show for it somewhere. But it sorta, kinda, got down played alot and so when he exploded into action to me it seemed out of place. All I meant to suggest was to add something to the story to suggest that he was good but maybe she thought allow her to do this because he was a wimp. Maybe a dangerous wimp, but she thought of him as a wimp no the less. But it seemed to be missing something to give an idea of why he had this ability and why she kept her boyfriends in the dark about it. (^_^)</p>

-Risq

I appreciate all of the comments on my story that I have read so far. I have to say I am truly embarrassed by the errors. I will use an editor for my next piece. For those of you who could over look the errors and liked my story, I love you.

You seem to have a web in your brain, man. That story was pathetic. It seems that if a writer can somehow put some words down and have a cheating wife suffer some sort of drastic revenge, many readers will praise the story, regardless of how poorly written and conceived. You suck technically, but worse yet is your stupidity. Keep the day job

Loved it...ignore the negative feedbakers sons-of-bitches....

Ask them to write a story or two if they have any guts...

Thanks for the post...please keep continue...

Thank You...

What ever happened with denise and you did you ever start to date or get married will you be continue with this story and what ever happened with the kids ?

Pat M.

Atlanta,Ga

What a great response.

Regards, Jack

Give up writing. You're pathetic

Write more, I enjoyed this story. Thank You.

the over-all story plot was good but the dialogues and actions ----- they were too silly. <p>

a devoted, loving, mild-mannered, patient man ---- like this man is portrayed ---- don't just walk into an office of Immigration and Naturalization and wink at the officer and says, "You know, you look more beautiful than I thought! (I was thinking before coming in that you was some fat, balding white guy)." <p>

and then proceeded to make more compliments and then make some date, while the business at hand was really to deal with a green-card seeking woman/wife. <p>

SLOW man like this guy wouldn't UNLIKELY have done that stunt at Sammy office, either..... and, oh, all those girls wanting to give me cards/phone numbers,,,,, dear author, cut the CRAP from your story.... focus on one or two things at a time...... a guy as slow as this guy won't be able to split his visual and mental acuities into that many angles to observe all those pompom waving girls........ <p>

In reality, all his little high school brain would be totally focused on not stuttering, so as to allow him to tell a complete story as to why his green card seeking wife was fucking in his room; why he's been sleeping in the guest room for over a year; why he kept on asking her whether she really loved him OR STILL LOVED him, even even after HEARING from her that she and her Sammy boyfriend (who is supposedly driving his rich girlfriend's Lexus), with arms linked, were going out as usual but NOT before he smilingly said "Aieshia and I fuck in your bed, dude, and her but hole's tight, thanks to your small dick which never went in there in the first place...", etc., ad nauseam...

I missed your story when posted, but I really liked your first effort. You have received some good advice and most without any rancor. Please keep writing, as from what I have seen, it is a long road to being really good. You have talent so don’t give up.<p>Thank you for the entertainment.<p>PT

Your story is bullshit. Exagerated facts. The wife being an absolute MONSTER.I mean who can treat 4yr old kids like crap? and other things like the husband constantly remembering his stupid oath. The public beating of the lover.Very hurried up unclear emotions.Why should the existence of the previous wife's kids effect the second wife so majorly, if she only married the dude for a green card? It was supposed to be a carefully laid out plan right? Try reading the non-wimp-husband stories of authors like Harddaysnight or Ohio.

The shift in the husband's character from the begining to the end is almost unimaginable -but at least he evolves in the right direction, namely: "I am sick and tired and I won't take it any more". The rest I enjoyed and can't understand what is it that upset the other commentators. I wish you continued with more submissions...

He did satisfy the revenge on both parties for the destruction of his marriage. I liked it, slow by the husband but it was well done.

I enjoyed the story but he lived to long with trash. You dont keep trash you throw it away. To expose the young kids to that type of woman borders on child abuse at the best.

to high heaven. Thank you for writing a story where the American cn get back at the camel jockies from other countries that want what we have.

the green card, etc were things not to come to her, and

sam had his consequences too. i'd like to meet such a federal employee as denise. all good and he's free and with a bit of cash.

I'm not too sure about the realism, but it sure was fun.

I suggest annulment of marriage. It was based on fraud so it should be granted. Division of assets is pretty much what you brought into the marriage I think... Less messy than divorce

an annulment would possibly have allowed her to save face back in her homeland of Turkey.

A divorce based on adultery would follow her for the rest of her life, and probably any chance at social climbing she still had.

as a divorced adulteress in a Muslim majority country, her chances of anything upper class are pretty much toasted.

Her punishment will indeed fit the crime.

Nice little tale

Stoning would be too good for her.

So typical--Husband is a Navy Seal or some skind of trained fighter and puts the other man in the hospital and makes his wife suffer. Might as well just copy and paste.

If the story was not so common, I could have given it much higher rating. The one good quality is the story is well written. Therefore, I believe the author can write good stories.

What kind of moron makes an acct to comment "I voted 1*" on every story? Only a pathetic loser that needs to get a life.

and now HOMEWARD BOUND. TK U MLJ LV NV

Don't title your piece with your 'gottcha' line in the end.

It does a heart good to see someone who manipulates and uses others, who hides a callous heart behind a facade of civility, and is a general pitiful excuse for a human being get it stuck up their nether shaft and get it broke off. Reading about the fall of the ice queen and her snide boy toy gave me a great deal of pleasure.

That, combined with the fact that Dwornock hated it, demanded that I give it four stars.

Sort of a light-hearted romp through spousal retaliation...nice.

True to my nature, I should really kill your uninspired writing. But then,I am sure, you know yours failings and may improve. Or maybe not. And I have time.

"Killer".

that someone may take affront at their cheating and lying, TK U MLJ LV NV

Now that's good revenge on a cheating slut wife. Have her deported.

HA HA HA HA HA

OH YEAH

pumping his tiny cock, he rimmed the dirty cornhole, betrayed!

I consider this one of the best short revenge stories I have ever read. Pay no attention to the negative comments, you and I both know that we know better than they do. Thank you for writing.

Sex, betrayal, revenge, romance, combat, etc..... All in a shorty.

5*

Thx!

This was really entertaining stuff. A skank manipulating cunt user needed a stepping stone to get her way in to the streets paved with gold. After her use of the man she married, she jettisoned him to further her perceived sophisticated ass for richer more powerful men. Typical premise nevertheless interesting in its presentation. The revenge was masterful and extremely well done. The scene in the office at the end while serving legal papers was very reminiscent of a Stephen Seagal movie. The very last scene where the wife gets her divorce papers and prospective deportation is exemplary as revenge can go. Nice story extremely well written. I think the papers and photos should precede her return to her family back to her mud hut.

that's the way to do it I bet her fathers proud of her lol ---5 stars

If he were my son I'd beat his ass for being an SOB. Divorce her and move on. All this revenge shit is pointless. Can't you BTB guys write a story where the guy really is the better person and not some self-righteousness ass.

Sic 'em, Ben! Good writing and story. I enjoyed it. Cheers!

the 1st one isn't doing so well. TK U MLJ LV NV

Divorced for adultery and deported to a Muslim majority country.

Wonder if her family will take care of her with an honor killing?

Can't see her father holding it against him for repudiating the oath to protect her, after her betrayal of him.

She was going to abandon him anyway, did she expect him to continue to protect her after that?

Cheaters lose and non-cheater wins. What more can be said. Thanks for a very enjoyable story.

I got as far as the main character being a martial arts expert, and then meeting up with a beautiful replacement for his wife, at the Immigration office. No need to read any further.

While not great it was a fun read. Don't see a lot of those.

The problem with this one is that you immediately jumped into the husband rambling about how he felt without giving any context for why he was feeling that way. If you were trying to generate sympathy, you missed. It was actually annoying. Sorry, just the way I feel. I did enjoy your other tale, and you write well.

I like reading where the cheaters are on the losing end.

You did not finish the story, you left the story too open.

Actually, "no harm" really came to her, at least not yet while they're still married.😎

Yadda Yadda Yadda...same old shit...same old story. Can't keep a women because he is soooo busy working BUT....he has a black belt in some martial art!! In this asshole's case he couldn't keep two women from cheating on him. With his super powers you would think otherwise!

......interestingly enough I am not a particular fan of the plot, however I enjoyed the way in which the author tied it all together to present an enticing tale which I had to finish reading in order to know the final outcome which was JUSTICE. NICE

Thanks......

Glad that the bitch was going to be deported back to where she belongs. Also made me happy that the douche got a beating although the martial arts bull is laughable, ski mask and a baseball bat work just fine.

Nothing like a little revenge and gratuitous violence to make my day.

including domestic issues, TK U MLJ LV NV

nope, just another dipshit wth revenge fantasies

first story.

I didn't like this. For example, him begging Denise was painful to read. The outbursts to Aiesha were rather petty. He seemed passive-aggressive. The bad choices and reasons for getting with Aiesha were unfortunate but that was ok. It's just wrong that he uses the marshal arts in an aggressive way, while at another point using it to explain his control of his demeanor. It's not consistent with itself. There were good parts but the story uses bad parts as a foundation, which taints the lot of it all. And he did not fucking lie, it was a conditional promise where the other party failed to do their obligation, rendering it void. Maybe conditions were just implied, but I think that it goes without saying. Since it was implied.

I disagree with the story's progression curve. It starts out asymptotic but progresses exponentially. There wasn't even time for Aiesha to say more than one line after being served.

But please, get an editor. Way too many punctuation mistakes. And the wife’s name was spelled two different ways at least a dozen times. Hard to keep an interest in a story with all those kinds of problems in the writing.

Yeah the "Striking the nose and driving the cartilage into the brain" one is as high in the bullshit myth category as "My hands are registered as deadly weapons" lol.

I did enjoy your story and gave it 5 but had to get that out there... just a pet peeve.

Good.little revenge story. He got the cheating wife and the lover. Clean sweep for the husband.

His ex and her boyfriend both got their "just deserts". Now Ben and Denise can live happily ever after. The End! Fade Out. Great Story!!

While in no way ever plausible enough to suspend disbelief, it was fun enough that it didn't make any difference.

A good contribution in my favorite genre, BTB

4 stars from me

A really good BTB on a deserving bitch. Kicking Sam's ass made it perfect

If he has custody and she dissapeared why is he still writing child support checks?

Good story

Lol

Good story. Careful punctuation would have helped

Even with the lousy spelling and grammar.

This has to be one of the dumbest stories on literotica.

That is a different and strangely satisfying revenge story.