I Love You More

I was still wide awake, having slept in and napped during the day so I went out to sit on the steps. I made the kissing noise, Rhoda and her pup came running from somewhere down in the yard. Rhoda lay on my left side and the pup climbed into my lap and settled down as I leaned back on the big post at the end of the railing.

My mind drifted back to continue the story of my life; I was trying to determine if I had done anything wrong.

Shortly after the episode with Jimmy Schmidt, I turned 16 and got my license. That summer I applied for and got a job at the Burger Barn out on the edge of town.

One day after I got off work in the afternoon I was approached by Tom, my now boss, he asked; "How many hours do they give you here each week?"

"I usually get about 10 to 12."

"I have been watching the way you work; you are always busy while the others stand around a lot. I have been looking for a person to work part time so I can get out and find more customers. If you are interested call me and we can talk. I can work your hours around this job and school if you like."

I took the business card and put it in my shirt pocket and forgot about it. I had a date with Janice and didn't want to be late.

The card was still in my pocket when Mom did the laundry. She always checked to be sure there was nothing in the pockets before washing. She put the card on the dryer and loaded the washer. When she brought everything she had removed from the pockets up a few days later it was placed in the little basket on the kitchen counter.

The next day Dad asked where the card came from. I told him about the man who stopped me and offered me the job.

"Tom is a real fine man" he told me. "He started out working for me, just out of school. It turned out that carpentry was not his idea of a long term job and he left after giving me time to find a replacement. He was a good learner and an eager worker. If he asked to work for me again I would hire him in an instant. If he offered you the job, I bet it is yours to accept. You could do a lot worse than working for him."

I put the card on my dresser and looked at it off and on for a couple of days. Finally I called. The phone was busy so I left a message. He called back just after supper that evening. He invited me to come in to see what he did and talk.

I stopped by on my way to work the next morning. I left about an hour later with a second job. When school started the burger barn job would end. I would work for Tom 2 hours each day as soon as I could get there and 4 hours on Saturday mornings. If he was aware of who my father was he never let on. He did come to the funeral for Dad, but the casket was closed. He spoke to Mom for a while and left.

The first rays of the sun were beginning to light up the valley, the roosters began to call. The farm slowly woke up. Both pups were still with me, neither had moved during the night.

Mammy looked out the screen door and sighed. "There you are, I didn't hear you come in last night and your bed was unused. ...was afraid I would need to send Pappy out to look for ya. Coffee will be ready in about 10 minutes."

A few minutes later Pappy was at the door. "Ya been thinkin' boy? Guess as much as you slept yesterday ya weren't tired."

I nodded.

"...see ya got a couple of friends there. Come on in when you're ready, coffee is self serve around here. Mammy will have breakfast in a bit, after I go and get the eggs."

Soon I heard the back door close and he was out to begin his daily chores.

I was up and following him as he went about his chores. In no time I was helping him. We were collecting the eggs for breakfast when I blurted out "Why does love have to hurt like this?"

We both stopped and looked at each other. It had been no more than a thought that came out. He just stood there for a minute and finally said "Guess if it didn't you would know it wasn't love."

We said nothing else; Mammy was waiting on the eggs. The sausage and toast smelled good as we came into the house.

My jaw was still sore, but the food tasted too wonderful to stop eating because of the pain.

We didn't talk much about my problems for the rest of my stay. Occasionally I would have an epiphany and make a comment; sometimes they answered back. We spent most of the time repairing and painting the outside of the barns and house. My idle time was spent with the dogs; they seemed to give me all the answers. Who knew?

As I got ready to leave on the final day there were hugs and kisses all around. I looked around for the little pup; she was nowhere to be found. I sat in the car and heard a slight noise from behind. There she was with a bag of food, 2 bowls and some other things. Before I could tell them I was not allowed to have a dog where I lived Mammy spoke, "Take her to your Mom's they will watch over each other until you get settled in a place where you can have her. We already talked."

I got back out and kissed and hugged them again and just said "Thanks for everything."

On the way home I decided to name her Snowball. She was lying in the other front seat, having moved from the back. She wagged her tail when I told her.

When I was close to town I called Tom and told him "...the old me is not coming back. How would you like to try out the new me?"

He sounded intrigued. "Will I see you on Monday morning?"

"You might see me before then if you drop in the office."

He came in about 3:30 on Saturday afternoon. All the furniture was pulled away from the walls; I was halfway through painting them. The furniture was all in the secretary's area except for the big desk. It sat in the middle of the room covered in paper. As he stood there gawking he jumped, a cold nose was pressed into the back of his hand. I looked over and smiled. "Meet the new love of my life, this is Snowball." At my silent command she held a paw out to him.

Janice's story

BANG

"Court is adjourned".

I had what I wanted, a divorce. Why did I suddenly feel like my world was closing in on me? He gave me everything I asked for. I was allowed to stay in the house his father built for us, well for me. He put everything into it that I asked for; the layout was what I wanted. It was my dream house.

I watched as he left the court room with his lawyer. Why did Bill look so defeated? He almost dragged his feet like he was hoping it was all a big joke and someone would yell "Surprise!"

Until it was over I had no idea how much he was hurting. I had no idea how much I was going to hurt! I left the room long after he did, I saw him as he slowly walked around the park. I waited on the bench to speak to him. As he came back around he saw me there. He put on the biggest smile he could, held his head high and walked past me never looking my way. I saw the tears in his eyes as he went by. I was frozen in place; not daring to move as he went past, the lump in my throat mocked me and I could not speak if my life depended on it.

I watched him drive away after a while. Almost 2 hours later it began a light shower. I still sat on the bench. Between the tears and feeling absolutely numb I was almost soaked before I got up to go to my car and head home. I walked into the house and everything was exactly as I had left it that morning, but everything seemed wrong. I had no appetite, I munched on some grapes and a few crackers then went to bed. It was only 6:00.

I woke the next morning and reached over to hold Bill; it took a moment to realize why he wasn't there. I needed to use the bathroom very badly. When I tried to stand my head spun, I dropped back to sit on the bed. Despite having slept for more than 12 hours I was still tired; I actually felt worse than when I went to bed. As I made my way to the bath the tears started to flood my face. I cried until I had nothing left to give. I washed my face, as I looked in the mirror I did not recognize the puffy face looking back at me.

In the kitchen I made some coffee, it just sat there until it was cold. Then I made the first of hundreds of calls to try fixing the damage I had done. It went straight to his answering machine. Why was I not surprised?

Every other day I called and left the same message, toward the end of a month the machine responded with "This recorder is full please try again later." For the next week I called every day to get the same message. I tried calling him at work to be told he was not accepting phone calls or messages at this time. I tried to ambush him when he got off work but his car was not there. I waited; if he was there he slipped out another way.

I called his mother; she was not sympathetic to my plight. I called Mammy and Pappy each week, they were polite but always said he wasn't there. Seven months after the divorce I was desperate; I called him in the middle of the night. When he heard my voice he simply, forcefully said "NO!" and hung up.

13 months after the divorce I agreed to meet an old friend from school. I guess Bill told you about Jimmy Schmidt. I agreed to meet him for lunch. We met at The Old Saloon; they were nice, had good food and were moderately priced. We met on the parking lot and walked in together. I didn't notice the foursome dining in the corner. After we were seated I saw Bill's boss Tom sitting there looking at me. There were 2 older ladies facing away from us. I didn't recognize the other man sitting there. He was tall and thin, but quite muscular, with a full, nicely shaped beard. Tom looked like he nudged the man and spoke to him. The man looked my way, his eyes burned into mine and never blinked. I knew those eyes instantly, it was Bill. I inhaled deeply and heard myself say "Oh God, NO!"

I could not look away.

I heard my voice saying "This was a big mistake! I need to leave!"

I ran as fast as I could from the restaurant. I left half of my tires on the lot as I could not get out of there fast enough.

Shortly after no one noticed the bearded man as he slowly left.

All the way home I could feel the disappointment from those eyes, I was surprised it was not hate. I could have dealt with hate; the disappointment was more than I could bear.

The next week I got up the nerve to call one more time. I was told he was no longer at that facility, I asked to speak to Tom.

When Tom came on the line I identified myself; I expected to hear him hang up. Instead he asked "How can I help you?" Everything came bursting out in a flood of emotion, I knew he was still there because he occasionally made a noise like "uh huh, OK. Yes...." or the most promising "...keep going." I must have talked for 20 minutes, he listened to every word.

When I finished I was drained, I almost missed what he said next "If it helps he forgave you months ago and moved on. I will relay the message to him. Can I do anything else for you?"

I didn't know his phone was setup to record conversations so there would be no way someone could say he agreed to something on the phone that he didn't. Bill would hear the entire conversation.

In my shock I blurted out "No!" Then I thought and said "Please tell him I said thank you for the forgiveness, that might help me forgive myself. I still love him you know."

"I can tell. He will know."

"One more thing, I am sorry about breaking up your meeting the other day." Tom then indicated it was a business meeting that was almost over. He never did indicate where Bill had gone, I didn't ask.

It was almost 2 years later that the preacher asked for prayers for Bill's family as Mammy and Pappy had both died within days of each other.

I sent a sympathy card to his mother and another to Bill by way of Tom. About 2 weeks later I got a thank you card from Bill with a nice note enclosed, in Bill's handwriting, thanking me for my concern.

The postmark was from a small town about 50 miles from The Ranch, as Pappy always called it. I checked with information and found that his company had a facility there. I called the number and asked for Mr. William D Katt only to be told he was away on business that week. When asked if I would like to leave a message I declined and hung up. I knew where to find him if I needed him, that took a lot of weight off my mind.

Only 6 months after that I heard from a friend that Bill's mother was just received at the hospital after having a mild heart attack. By the afternoon I was told she would be fine.

Since the deaths of her parents we had been speaking occasionally after church. We were on much better terms than before. I picked up a card and some flowers and for some reason I do not understand I placed my first diary after our divorce in a large envelope. I wrote on the envelope what it was and indicated when she was better I would appreciate her reading it. If she did not want to read it she could send it back unopened with the preacher.

She was sleeping when I got there so I left the things on her table. The next day I had a phone call, the raspy voice indicated she would keep the diary to read later. "Thank you so much for the card and flowers!" Then she had to go.

I went back 2 days later to find Bill in her room. My heart jumped; but I kept walking past and down the stairs at the end of the hall. I couldn't believe how good he looked and there was nothing on his ring finger. My heart was filled with joy.

More from Bill

5 weeks after I returned from The Ranch, Tom went out of town for a week. I ran the entire facility while he was gone, just like always. I still missed Janice, but it was no longer the all consuming grief I had before. Snowball was staying with Mom for the time being. I went over most nights for supper and to do the chores that had been ignored since Dad died. She had a neighbor boy to mow the lawn and she weeded the gardens and such, but the house was starting to look a little shabby. I scraped, painted, caulked and fixed issues with the plumbing and electric. Soon the house was the showcase Dad always loved. I even moved some clothes in so I could spend the night if it got too late while I worked.

Snowball acclimated to her new live very quickly. She was always happy if I was there but Mom became an important person in her life too.

When Tom returned from his trip I was called into a meeting. He asked how I would like to return to the area near Mammy and Pappy. "I know how much you love it there; I have just finished negotiations to open a new facility in the area. I need you there to supervise the set up and get the ball rolling. I will continue to run this facility as always. Are you interested?"

This hit me from out of the blue, I decided I could use some time away from my home town and accepted. Mom would be fine now that the house was in good condition again. Tom called her and said "If an emergency comes up I will have him back in an instant. If something needs repair in a hurry I have a good maintenance man here at the plant that can do whatever you need."

"Now we need to decide who to take your place and the best candidate to groom for floor manager here."

I gave my recommendations for both positions and the justifications for why. Tom picked up the phone and said "Send them both in."

John and Mary entered the room together with puzzled looks on their faces. After taking their seats Tom spoke "I need 2 persons who can keep a secret for about 2 weeks, if you don't feel that you can then you are excused from this meeting."

Both promised they would be able to do it.

Mary, you are the best operator we have. Will you be willing to become manufacturing supervisor at this plant? Before you answer, consider the fact that you most likely will need to relocate sometime in the future. Think on it for a minute before you answer."

He turned to John, "You were the third person we hired. Bill is being promoted and chose you to be his replacement. While he was gone a few weeks back you filled in and did an admirable job. The conditions would be the same as I explained to Mary. Do either of you need time to talk it over with family or to think about this promotion?"

They both looked at me. "Don't ask me. I just recommended you and Tom agreed. This is your life we are going to change, neither of us can nor will we make the decision for you. If you are not 100 percent sure let us know now."

John began "Well there is one possible problem here. We have been quietly dating for the last 2 years." Mary broke in and added "We have agreed to get married soon."

Tom asked "Can you both keep work at work and home at home? Can you both allow the other to do their job without interference? If there is no problem with these things I can't see a problem with this. If you like we can just supervise a little closer than we had planned."

"Well...." Began John and he paused. Mary spoke after a short pause "We have already been filling those rolls to some degree while dating. I don't see any problems so far. I think we can do it!" John was nodding in approval of her words.

"I think we can work out the minor details in a week or so. You both have the jobs, unless you change your minds. No one is to hear a word of this until a meeting on the 23rd of this month. Start working into your new jobs beginning tomorrow. We need to know by Friday if either one of you decides to back out."

I spoke to them "Congratulations on the engagement. We wish you well and will let you tell the others when the time is right for you. Your secret is safe with us." Tom nodded

The new space was soon ready, the equipment was ordered. Some of the equipment was to be replaced in the existing facility and the old was going to the new shop along with some of the new. Both facilities would have a mix of new and older, since they were computer programmed machines the programs would go with the machines. The work orders were to be split and 2 senior operators would be assigned temporarily for training at the new facility. I would do training as well. Job orders were to be faxed to the new facility.

The meeting was held on the 23rd. On the 24th I was on my way to the new facility.

I was going to be commuting from the ranch most days.

My first order of business was to hire a receptionist. I found a mature. recently widowed lady; she was rusty but promised she would be back up to speed quickly. As with all new jobs will be a period of adjustment, I thought the long break from the job market would work well for training her to do things our way. It turned out I was correct.

She had 1 daughter still in school. The school was only 3 blocks down the road. She had after school activities most days, would it be ok for her to wait in the car the last 15 minutes.

I told her as long as she was not a distraction she could come inside. The second week there Shannon was helping her mother Linda to get the place ready to close for the night. On the days she did not stay late at school she began to help with some of Linda's work. Linda always double checked her. Linda explained that with 2 people looking there was less of a chance for a mistake to slip through. There was a column on the right side of the work orders for the office to tally up the costs. Linda simply placed a blank sheet of paper over Shannon's work and added it again. After a few weeks we found there were no errors from them. I didn't think Shannon was old enough to be hired so I started to slip her $50 every week for her efforts. Imagine my surprise when I was invited to her graduation party. She only looked to be about 15, but she was 18 and a senior. I asked what her plans were after she got out of school. She shrugged, "I don't know. I want to go to college but since Daddy died we can't afford it."

"We don't have enough work for 2 people in the office, but there is too much for just one person. Would you consider working here on Monday, Wednesday and eventually Fridays?" If you plan things right you can find courses to take on Tuesday, Thursday and weekends and go to college part time. They were both crying as I finished my proposal, they were tears of joy.