I Made a Choice

We had been back to having sex on a regular basis now for more than three months and it was actually better than before Penny. I wondered if it was because she was not working now and she was not so keyed up and stressed out. I mentioned this to her and she agreed, saying that she was not really sure if she wanted to go back to work. We discussed it but it was too soon to have to make that decision. In any event, she was happy not working and she was delighted to be a mother. I watched her and she seemed to thrive in her new role.

Page and I had just had a bout of afternoon sex on a Saturday afternoon and I was trying to forget it long enough to get the grass cut. I was sweating and it felt quite good but something was nagging at me. I couldn't figure out what it was until I remembered. Harry had called that afternoon and Page had talked to him on the phone for more than 20 minutes. She took the phone into the other room to talk to him and I couldn't hear what they discussed. When I asked her later, she just shrugged her shoulders and told me it was nothing. I didn't press her but it left me with an uneasy feeling. As I stopped to fill the tank with gas, the envelope with the results of the DNA testing popped into my mind. I hadn't thought about it for several months. I guess Harry was one of the test subjects and since his call, I had begun to remember. I worried it for a while but knew in the back of my mind that I was going to open it tonight.

When Page put Penny down for the night, she went in to take a long hot bath. This usually took her about 30 minutes so I felt this was enough time. I went into the den, shut the door and took out the envelope. I sat down at the desk and left it there on the blotter, asking myself if I really wanted to do this. Hadn't things been great since Penny was born? Hadn't Page and I been in a good place since then? Hadn't our sex life been better than ever? Yes to all. So, why did I want to do this. Because I had no choice.

I opened the envelope and read the results. The first report was comparing my swab and Penny's swab. The results were negative, indicating that I was not a parent. That much I had suspected. I had little reaction to that one, other than a small but growing pain in my gut. I knew it would get worse before it got better. I pulled out the second report: the one that generated the DNA profiles from Sample 2 and Sample 3. The results were positive for Sample 2 and negative for Sample 3. Sample two was a genetic match for Penny. I knew without looking what the key was. Sample two was Harry Palmer. Harry Palmer was Penny's biological father.

I slid the reports and graphs back into the envelope and locked it back in my desk drawer. I now had my answer and I had no idea how I felt. I had to think about this and I needed time. I didn't think I could do it here. I didn't think I could keep my cool with Page knowing what I knew now. I needed to be alone. I walked down to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of Jim Beam that I kept in the cupboard. I drank very rarely and kept it there mostly for company. I took down a tumbler and sloshed some whiskey into the glass and added a couple of ice cubes. I sat down at the table and tried to think of where I could go for some alone time: time enough to think.

I had started on my third drink when Page came into the kitchen. She stopped when she saw the bottle sitting in front of me. With hands on her hips, she asked me what the hell I was doing. Instead of answering her, I just got up and walked with the bottle down to the den and shut the door, locking it behind me. I went to the small couch and slouched down. I sipped my booze as Page knocked on the door, asking me what was wrong. I decided not to answer her and continued to drink. She finally gave up and I had another drink. It was sometime after midnight when I finally passed out. I slept, or rather, remained unconscious until the next morning.

With a hangover that was one of the worst of my life, I went upstairs to the bedroom and took a cold shower. The water began to shock me awake and I felt my senses returning. I stood under the blast as long as I could and then dried off and changed. While the night had gone with me passed out on the couch, my mind had been working in the booze soaked background. I had some ideas that I would consider now that I was sober. First, I wanted some time alone. I needed the time to think of my future and what I could and could not live with. Page: could I accept what she had done and could I forgive her? Was my life better with her or without her? Penny: what would this do to her if I couldn't forgive her mother? These were questions I needed to resolve in my own mind.

As I dressed, I thought of Harry. I needed to know the extent of their affair. How long had their affair been going on and how much did Harry know? I wanted to get his side of this before confronting Page. I didn't trust her now so I needed some basis for corroboration. Harry was the other guy, or at least I hoped he was the only other guy. Page wasn't a slut so it was likely Harry was the only one. Thus, a plan was born. Now for the first step: telling Page that I had to be by myself.

I went downstairs to see Page and Penny at breakfast, just as they did every morning. The fact that it was so routine made the pain in my gut worse. Would this all be gone soon? I got control of myself and smiled at Page and Penny as I got my cup of coffee. Page just looked at me but said nothing. She wouldn't make a scene in front of Penny, that much I knew. I sat down and watched as Penny ate her Cheerios, one at a time. I made happy noises at her and she grinned at me, making the world just a little more acceptable. If only.

Once Page put Penny into her playpen with some juice and a cookie, she returned and sat down across from me. She looked at me before asking me what was going on. She was angry and trying to control her temper but she was on the verge of yelling. I let her stew for a few minutes while I looked back at her. She was still beautiful. Her long blond hair was still soft and silky and shone like gold with the sun coming in the kitchen window. Her blue eyes were just a little dark at the moment due to her anger but they were still the eyes that I had fallen in love with. She had begun to go to the gym with Penny and she had been working out with a group of mothers with new children and she looked really great already. None of this was helping me to say what I had to say.

I told Page that I needed a couple of days away by myself to deal with some problems that had come up. I didn't elaborate but told her that they were personal and I needed the time away from her and Penny to deal with them. She, of course, wanted to know why I excluded her from these problems but I told her I couldn't tell her that. I just needed time away by myself. She was becoming upset and I could see tears in her eyes but I had to be firm. I told her that the problems were serious but that I felt it was necessary to be alone to work them out.

She was raising her voice now and she was on the verge of exploding but because of Penny, she held back. She insisted that I tell her what they were but I refused. She got up and ran up the stairs to the bedroom and I heard the door slam shut. I heaved a sigh of relief because this was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I went in to watch Penny play while I picked up the phone and called for reservations at the Holiday Inn Express just off the freeway. It was about 20 minutes away, far enough to feel alone. If Page didn't know where I was, that was all I needed.

Page came back down about an hour later and went about her routine without comment. She seemed to have accepted my intended plans but not happily. She did some laundry and watched Penny take her mid morning juice. She was quiet until she had put Penny down for a nap. It was almost 11:30 and I still had about three hours before I could check in. Page must have decided to try again because she sat down across from me and started. I remember that morning as the first time I made a venture into telling her what I knew.

"What in the world are you doing Jonathan? What is so important that you have to go off by yourself? And what personal issues could you have that don't include me? Is there something you don't want to tell me or something you don't want me to find out about?"

I considered what I was going to say very carefully. I didn't want to really get into this for the reasons I've already mentioned, but why not just a little bump?

"There are some things that I need to decide how best to handle. They are issues that will concern you and Penny but I'm not ready to discuss them with you just yet."

"I don't know what would be so important that you need to wonder how to handle me. That's insulting. Why don't you just say it? Whatever it is? Are you having an affair Jonathan? Is that what this is about?"

"I've never been unfaithful to you in our marriage. I'm not the one that was gone half the time over the past two years. I'm not the one traveling with another man when I was here waiting for you? And I'm not the one that has an apartment in the city for sleepovers."

The look of shock on her face was priceless. This was the first time I had ever mentioned any of those things in a threatening way. This was not something she was prepared for and it caught her by surprise. The look was one of shock and embarrassment, not anger. She sat there, looking at me without saying anything. She was truly at a loss for words. Before she could find the words to rebut me, I walked out of the kitchen and upstairs to pack a bag with enough for about three days. As I closed the bag, she walked in.

"I have to ask you a question and I want a straight answer. Are you accusing me of having an affair with someone? Do you think Harry and I are sleeping together? Is that what this is about?"

"I don't remember accusing you of anything.Youaskedmeif I was having an affair. I just pointed out that you had more opportunity than I did. And what about that phone call from Harry? You talked to him in another room so I couldn't hear? You talked for more than 20 minutes but wouldn't tell me what it was about? If nothing is going on, why couldn't you tell me what it was about?"

"It was personal."

As she said this, the irony of her words came back to catch her. That was exactly what I told her why I had to leave. I watched her face go through the various stages of surprise, understanding and finally guilt. She chose the option of saying nothing. As a result, I grabbed my bag and walked out and down to the car. I loaded the bag in the back seat, checked to be sure I had my briefcase and sundries and got in. As I pulled out of the garage, Page opened the door from the kitchen and watched me leave.

I checked into the Holiday Inn and put my meager belongings into the small closet equipped with three hangers, an ironing board and an iron. Hopefully, the wrinkles would hang themselves out. I turned on the TV and sat down on the edge of the king-sized bed. Now that I was here, I had no clue. I had no idea of what to do next. I simply sat there for about an hour until I finally decided I had to take some action, even if it was wrong.

The first question I faced had to do with Penny. She was my daughter, in all respects except the biological. At this point, that was still important but not to me. I could see no way in which I could end up without being a part of her life. That was a given.

The second question was what to do with Page. If this were a one time thing, it's possible she didn't even know I wasn't the father. I put the odds of that at one in 100. More likely she did know and it wasn't a one time thing. I put the odds of that at one in 10. I thought the truth was somewhere in the middle, but the odds were good that she knew I wasn't the bio father. The rest was just speculation right now.

The third question was the rest of my life. With Page or without her? With Penny or without her? And finally, with Page and Penny or without either. Most of the choices sucked.

As I sat there, I had a brainstorm. Why not ask the source? Why not go to the root of the problem? Of course! I picked up the phone book and looked for the number of Harry Palmer. I found seven of them. All I knew what that he lived here in the city and on the west side. That narrowed it down to three. I could deal with that. I called the first one without success. I called the second and hit pay dirt. It was the right Harry. I told him who I was and that I would like to meet him about a surprise party for Page. I told him that it was important she not find out that he and I spoke and he agreed. I made an appointment to see him that evening.

When we met, I was surprised to find him to be an older man, about the same height as me but quite a bit heavier. Not very impressive but at a distance, we looked a lot alike. That's why Penny looked so much like me. So did Harry. Since we met at a restaurant, I told him to be my guest for dinner and he agreed. We ate and chatted like old friends. He seemed quite at ease with me but that didn't tell me anything. It was clear as he talked about Page that he liked and respected her and was sad that she had not come back to work. He just said that he was working with another reporter that he didn't much care for. Too bad.

After we finished dessert, we left the restaurant and walked outside together. As we walked toward the parking lot, I decided to take my shot.

"Harry, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Just about work?

"Sure, John. Ask away."

"Great. Harry, how many times did you screw my wife?"

Harry stopped dead in his tracks and looked like he wished he could be anywhere but here. He turned to look at me and tried to say something but he was having trouble getting the words out. He finally mumbled something about "never," and, "have no idea of what you are asking," and, "how could you think that," and a bunch of other shit.

I finally took him by the shirt front with my two hands and put my face right up against his and repeated myself.

"I asked you a simple question. How many times have you fucked my wife? I know that you did so I just want to know how many times. And if you lie to me again, I'm going to beat the shit out of you until you tell me what I want to know. Do you have that straight now?"

I pushed him back against one of the cars and moved up close to him so he couldn't move away from me. He was scared now and he was shaking. I put one hand on his chest and held him there, glaring at him. He finally slumped back and gave up the fight.

"Just once. Just one time at her apartment here in town. We had been working for 26 hours straight on a story about a drug deal and we were both wiped out. She had just finished interviewing a real bad ass and we were both shaking in our boots. Rather than go back to the studio, we went to her apartment since it was closer. We had a few drinks, started to laugh about the whole thing and we ended up holding each other. Well, the next thing we knew we had done it. It shocked both of us. We had been together so long but nothing like that had ever happened and it scared us both. I couldn't get out fast enough and neither of us ever mentioned it again. I know that she was sorry because she couldn't stop crying. I couldn't help her since I didn't even want to be there so I just ran. That was the only time and it has really made things bad between us."

I had moved back to let him talk and now he seemed to be glad to spill it out. I could tell that the whole thing really caused him some grief. I actually believed what he told me since it came out without any attempt to try to hide what actually happened.

"I called her a few days ago to tell her I had taken a job with another station over in Denver. I'll be doing the same thing but we won't have to see each other anymore. It had to be done. That's why she hasn't come back to work and I haven't been to see her. We used to be friends. Now we're strangers who can't stand the sight of each other. I really miss her and I wish to God it had never happened. That's the God's own truth."

Harry stood there with his head hanging and his arms limp at his sides. That story was actually painful for him to tell me and I could see how much it hurt. I found myself feeling sorry for the guy. Not sorry enough to tell him about Penny but sorry nevertheless. That explained why Page couldn't tell me what the phone call was about. She couldn't tell me why he was leaving.

I had what I had come for and nothing more was to be gained by beating him up or ruining his career. I told him that I didn't want Page to hear about this conversation between us. He promised. I just walked away from him without another word. As far as I was concerned, he was nobody to me anymore. He could prosper in Denver or rot in hell. I didn't care any more about Harry Palmer. I drove back to the hotel with a slightly lighter heart.

As I lay in bed that night thinking about my conversation with Harry, I now had some of the answers I needed. It was a one time thing and it was over. It was clear that Harry did not know about Penny and would never find out if I had my way. So he wasn't going to take her away from me. Since he didn't know, there was no need for me to do anything legal. Page wouldn't tell anyone else since it would look bad for her. So, one down, a few more to go.

The next day was Monday and I went to work with reluctance. I was still confused and still not sure what to do. I checked my voicemail and found three calls from Page asking me to call her but I deleted them without response. I talked with my boss and made some arrangements to take the rest of this week off since I had five weeks of vacation scheduled for this year. He was happy with me since this was a quiet time of the year in our business. He would scream later on if I wanted time. I finished work for the day and went back to the hotel for the evening. I decided to call home to see how things were going. That should be interesting.

I stopped at a pizza joint on the way back and picked up a large with everything. That would be dinner and a late night snack. Since I had a small fridge in the room, I had all the cold drinks I wanted so I filled it with beer and soda. All the comforts of home.

Filled with pizza and beer, I decided this was the time. As I checked my watch, I decided that Penny would be down for her nap so I called. Page answered almost immediately. She sounded more angry than worried so I just asked her what she wanted. She wanted me home where I belonged and for me to stop with the nonsense. I politely told her that I was still working on some issues and that I still needed time. She again insisted that I come home and I finally lost my cool.

"I'll come home when you are ready to tell me the truth about a number of things. I don't want to have to tell you what they are either. If I do, that means you haven't told me of your own free will and that would mean you want to keep secrets from me. I won't accept that from my wife."

"I don't know what things you're talking about. Honest to God John, I don't know. Why can't you come home so we can talk this out. I would tell you what you want to know if I knew what it was. I just don't."

"Let me give you a clue. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Silence on the other end. No response. Just as I was about to hang up, she spoke.

"John, I won't discuss this with you over the phone. If you come home, we can talk."

"I think that's answer enough. Apparently you never intended to say anything about it to me did you?"

"No. I didn't and I won't unless it is face to face. That's up to you now. I'm here at home, where you should be. Penny misses you and so do I. Please, come home."