I Made a Choice

"I'll let you know. I still have some thinking to do. Goodbye Page."

It was Wednesday when I finally went home. I had come to some conclusions but I needed to talk with Page and hear her side of it. I wanted the truth from her and I needed to know why she did it and why she didn't tell me about it. I wanted her to explain to me why, when her resistance was low, she couldn't say no, and tell me in a way that I could understand. I had to have her tell me and convince me that it shouldn't matter. I needed to be convinced that she hadn't destroyed our marriage. Finally, I had to know how she expected me to accept her when every time I looked at Penny, I would know. That's what I wanted.

I walked into our home that evening just past dinnertime. I had eaten at the hotel restaurant before leaving just so I would not have to spend an hour or more sitting across from Page, trying to eat a meal. It may have been petty but it suited my mood. I was still angry and I hadn't found any way to make it go away. Page was cleaning up the kitchen and I looked for Penny and found her in her playpen. I lifted her out and played with her for some time while Page finished whatever she was doing. I enjoyed the time with Penny so I had no problem waiting.

It was about 8:30 when she put Penny down for the night and came back into the family room where I was waiting. She seemed tired and sad. I guess she had a lot to handle what with me being gone and having to take care of Penny without any break. Maybe, but I really wasn't much moved by it. I just waited for her to begin. She knew what I was waiting for and I wasn't going to bring it up again.

"What do you want to know? I guess you already know about Harry and me. I guess Harry told you or told someone else who told you. I don't know how you found out but you did. It was just one time, just a single mistake that we both regretted immediately. It happened one night when we were so tired we didn't even know what we were doing and with some wine, it just happened. It has been a bad time for both of us and we haven't been able to be together since without shame."

"You wanted to know about the phone call. Harry wanted to tell me that he is leaving the area. Denver I think he said. He knew he couldn't stay here and work with me again and that's why I didn't want to go back to work. Every time we saw each other, the shame and the embarrassment was too much. Harry was ashamed of himself for taking advantage of me when I was tired and drinking and he never wanted to hurt you. That really tore him up. I just had the guilt to deal with. That was enough, but I thought it was almost over since you had never found out. I still don't know how you did. We were so careful to avoid it."

OK, so now that I had the answers I was looking for, it all came back to me. I wasn't sure that Page knew that I wasn't Penny's biological father and I wasn't sure whether to tell her. It might make no difference and then again, it might make all the difference. I had to think about that some more.

"So, what do we do now? My wife had been unfaithful to me and she says she's sorry. Well, how do I accept that? What do I do to make the memory go away? It's not a simple matter to say, 'I forgive you'and move on and I don't know whether I can. I've been thinking about this. I thought that I would have you give me a reason to keep our marriage together and let me forget about this but then I decided that wasn't your job. If I forgive you, it will have to be my decision and I need to convince myself that it is the right thing to do. I'm trying."

Page seemed to think that I was leaning away from her and she started in on the'sorry', 'mistake', 'it will never happen again'routines but I didn't want to hear them. I still had to understand how it could have happened in the first place. I never cheated on her. I had been drunk and in compromising positions but I had never cheated on her. I finally asked her to explain to me how it happened.

"You know that Harry and I have been together as reporter/cameraman for more than three years. When we traveled, we often slept in the same room or in the same tent. We did this without an issue for all that time. He never tried anything with me and I never encouraged him at all. We were friends and colleagues and we worked together. That was all. Then, we had been working for almost two days straight on a story that was important to me with the new program coming up. I was panicked and Harry stayed with me to help get it done on time. We finished it up late one night and we were both exhausted but euphoric. We had done it and we had done it together."

Page had tears in her eyes as she told me this story. I could tell it was hard for her and very emotional. I thought maybe I was beginning to see where this was going. I let her finish without comment.

"It was after 2:00 in the morning when we finished and it was too late for me to go home so I was just going to crash at the apartment. Harry had a long drive home and he was as beat as I was so I suggested he stay at the apartment too. He agreed gratefully and we went there. Before we went to sleep, we decided to have some wine to help calm us down and bring us off the high we were on. We relaxed on the couch and shared a bottle of wine.

After that, things are not so clear except that we woke up together in bed and I knew we had sex. So did Harry and he was absolutely a mess. He was out of bed, dressed and out of the apartment without a word. We didn't actually talk to each other for several weeks after that. He avoided me and I avoided him. All I could think of to do at that time was to make sure you never found out."

"We started the show and I worked more with Jim, my producer, and Harry was usually just sent out to get some shots and I never had to go with him. We started, things began to get back to normal and then you and I took that time together. That's when I found out I had gotten pregnant and then things were just wild for a while. But for you and me, life was really good and I was happy. I've been happy since. Penny was a blessing for both of us and I finally relaxed. I thought it was all over and we could grow old together and you would never know how I betrayed you. Now, it's back."

Now I really believed that Page didn't know about Penny. She thought that she became pregnant on our vacation time. Since I had figured it out, Page must have deliberately repressed it because she certainly would have known the truth if she had thought about it. Could she have convinced herself that I was the father or did she really know and was making sure that I didn't suspect? There was no choice. I had to tell her and take the consequences.

"There is one thing that you asked me. How did I know about you and Harry. Do you really have no idea of how I knew?"

"Honestly John, I don't have a clue. We were so careful and we never discussed it at all afterwards. We told no one and we have tried to avoid each other as much as possible. I don't know how you found out. Will you tell me, please?"

"This is going to take some time, but try to follow me. OK? First, when you told me you were pregnant, I assumed it was when we took that time off and got our lives back on track. You went to the doctor to have your checkup and you and she decided that you were six weeks pregnant. I thought about that later when I was trying to go back and see what wonderful time it was that Penny was conceived. I knew your cycle and I checked. Guess what? You couldn't have gotten pregnant with me on our vacation. You could only have gotten pregnant during the time I was home with my dad and you were in the city working and staying at the apartment."

I stopped there to see how she was taking it. She was sitting there staring at me with her eyes wide and her mouth open. I could see her mind working. She was confused and uncertain and she hadn't gotten to the truth yet. Well, I would push her over the edge.

"When the doubts began, I did something to help me find the truth once and for all. I took DNA samples from Penny, myself, Harry and Jim. I got theirs from that little party we had to celebrate your pregnancy and your taking time off. I got the results."

I saw the sudden understanding on her face. I watched her face go from curiosity and anticipation to total disbelief and pure panic. She began to shake her head back and forth, saying, "No, no, no, no," over and over. She squeezed her eyes shut as the tears began to flow down her cheeks. She knew. Surely and completely, she knew, but I had to deliver the final blow.

"The results conclusively show Harry Palmer to be Penny's biological father."

Page was now moaning continuously as she sobbed into her hands. It was clear now that she never let herself know the truth. She had repressed it so completely that now she was devastated. I could do nothing for her since my pain was as great as hers. I watched as she fell apart in front of me. I was paralyzed by my grief, made more real now that I had said it out loud and to someone else. She got up and ran upstairs. I heard the door slam and all was quiet again.

At this point, this story can go either way. I have written many stories of this type, enough to know that whichever way I go will leave many unhappy. So, I decided to try something else. Below are two endings. Both are consistent with the story and you can choose your favorite. You can decide just by looking at the title.

Ending 1 - My Angel

I walked into Penny's room and watched her as she lay there sleeping. She was on her back, with her thumb in her mouth and her feet planted on the mattress. She had one arm around her 'bunny' and she looked every bit the angel God had given us. As I watched her sleep, I looked inside my heart and could find only love and acceptance for my little girl. Regardless of the test results, she was my daughter and always would be. I pulled the chair up to the crib and sat there, watching her until morning light began to peek through the blinds.

When the light told me that the day had begun, I left Penny to sleep for another hour. I had things to do. I took a shower in the spare bathroom and got dressed for the day ahead. I fixed the coffee and decided on buttered toast with cinnamon and sugar. I fixed two slices and set one on a plate with my coffee. I put the other on a second plate and set it in front of Page's chair. I had heard her upstairs and now she was coming down. She was not very communicative until she had her first cup of coffee in the morning. I bit into my toast and waited.

Page walked into the kitchen, saw me and the coffee and moved to her regular seat. She sat, took a large gulp of the coffee and set the cup down. She looked up at me with eyes red and haunted. She had obviously had a hard night. I sipped my coffee and waited for her to speak. I was not going to attack her and I wanted her to know that. She swallowed hard and spoke.

"I've explained what happened. You have to know that it was a mistake and it had nothing to do with Harry or sex or anything else other than exhaustion and wine to the point that reason simply didn't exist. We didn't even know what we were doing and we both regretted it the next morning. The guilt and remorse were so incredible that it almost destroyed both of us. Our friendship is over, we can't work together anymore and we both lost something that we shared and we treasured; a long time working relationship. Harry is leaving the area and I haven't been back to work since it happened. I don't know what else to say. I guess it is up to you."

"Oh, and one last thing. I said this to you last night but you were so angry I don't think you heard me. I said that I was so very sorry that I betrayed you. I will regret it for the rest of my life and I promise you that Harry will never know that he is Penny's biological father. Regardless of what happens between you and me, he will never be a part of my life or Penny's life."

I watched as she finished what she had to say. It was obvious that she had thought about it all last night. She said it with conviction and with feeling. She was being honest with me now that everything was out in the open. Actually, I had more time to deal with the fact of Penny's biology than she had so I had already dealt with it. Not so with Page. She had to deal with all of it just last night.

I had made my decision last night as I watched my angel sleeping. I couldn't leave her and I wouldn't share her part time. I was going to make this marriage work as best I could, mainly for my daughter's sake but also for mine. I still loved Page and her mistake, while a major one, was just that. A mistake. I would try to forgive her and make our marriage a strong one. We had things to work out but we would try. I knew I wanted to and I believed she did as well.

"I promise you this Page. I will try with everything I have to make this marriage work. I love you and I love our daughter. I want to make a home for her and I want you to be a part of her life and mine. I don't know how you feel but if you are willing, so am I."

Her sob was one of happiness, not pain. The smile she gave me was sincere and the tears were falling freely now. She rose from her chair to come to me and bury her face against my chest. I could feel the heat of her tears and I could feel the strength in her arms as she clung to me. I knew we would make it. We only had to give it what we could: our best.

Ending 2 – The Devil Inside

I walked into Penny's room and watched her as she lay there sleeping. She was on her back, with her thumb in her mouth and her feet planted on the mattress. She had one arm around her 'bunny' and she looked every bit the angel God had given us. As I watched her sleep however, the only thing I could see was the vision of Page and Harry entangled in the sheets and rutting in lust. The test results didn't lie: she was not my daughter and never would be. I pulled the chair up to the crib and sat there, hoping that somehow I could accept this little bundle and go forward. As the morning light came in through the blinds of her room, I knew that I couldn't.

When the light told me that the day had begun, I left Penny to sleep for another hour. I had things to do. I took a shower in the spare bathroom and got dressed for the day ahead. I fixed the coffee and decided on buttered toast with cinnamon and sugar. I fixed two slices and set one on a plate with my coffee. I put the other on a second plate and set it in front of Page's chair. I had heard her upstairs and now she was coming down. She was not very communicative until she had her first cup of coffee in the morning. I bit into my toast and waited.

Page walked into the kitchen, saw me and the coffee and moved to her regular seat. She sat, took a large gulp of the coffee and set the cup down. She looked up at me with eyes red and haunted. She had obviously had a hard night. I sipped my coffee and waited for her to speak. I was not going to attack her and I wanted her to know that. She swallowed hard and spoke.

"I've explained what happened. You have to know that it was a mistake and it had nothing to do with Harry or sex or anything else other than exhaustion and wine to the point that reason simply didn't exist. We didn't even know what we were doing and we both regretted it the next morning. The guilt and remorse were so incredible that it almost destroyed both of us. Our friendship is over, we can't work together any more and we both lost something that we shared and we treasured; a long time working relationship. Harry is leaving the area and I haven't been back to work since it happened. I don't know what else to say. I guess it's up to you."

I looked at Page, seeing the woman I had married, the woman whose face had become a recognized icon of local journalism and the woman who had destroyed my world. I saw the betrayal and the lies: the betrayal that resulted in a child not of love but of lust. I saw the end of our marriage and a future without either her or Penny. I knew I had to end it here. The pain I felt when I first found out about her betrayal was growing inside me and it had begun to eat away at me. Try as I might, I couldn't stop it. I knew that if I stayed, I would become bitter and hard. I wouldn't be a father to Penny and I couldn't be a husband to Page.

I said all of this to Page as she sat there in our kitchen at our table. Penny was still sleeping and I thought it best if I left before she awoke. I knew that Page was going to have a hard time dealing with this, but I had no choice. I had to leave.

Before I came downstairs with my suitcases, I looked in Penny's room one last time. Page was there, stroking her sleeping face and singing softly to her. She looked up at me standing there watching and smiled a sad little smile.

"She'll know that you are her father. I'll make sure she only knows the good parts of our marriage. If she knows of the bad, it will be from you. Never from me. You will have to decide what you want to be. You can live with your hate and bitterness and be no part of her life, or you can choose to enjoy what God has given us. The choice is yours."

She turned back to look with love at her child. I watched for another minute and walked out of their lives. I chose anger and emptiness over love.