tagReviews & EssaysI Want It All

I Want It All

byBOSTONFICTIONWRITER©

I ain't settlin'.

I read a quote the other day from of all people, Sharon Stone, the actress, best known for her movies Basic Instinct and Casino, just to name two of dozens. Sharon doesn't strike me as a deep thinker, but we all have our moments. Her quote appears below.

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship."

For some reason, perhaps, guilt and in the way that it hit so close to home, I agreed with her that too many men are insincere and don't work on relationships in the way that women do. The quote stayed with me and my brain percolated it, while I slept that night. At the time, I didn't know why I thought the quote interesting enough to dwell on it, but I did. It haunted my thoughts throughout the next day enough that I wrote this story.

We all imagine erotic fantasies or experience sexual dreams filled with hot women and/or cool men but, in reality, what happens after she or he leaves your bed and you're temporarily sexually satisfied but permanently alone? Do you hear that? That's the sound of loneliness. Yeah, that's what it sounds like...nothing.

So, what do you do now? Do you just go out and find someone else and continue the dating cycle? How's that working for you? Doesn't that lifestyle feel a bit tired and empty? No one ever gets to know you and every time you meet someone new, you must put yourself through the stress of walking the dating tightrope with a total stranger all over again. How many times can you do that, saying the same things and doing the same things, albeit with someone new, before you start talking to yourself and they lock you away in the funny farm?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the cool guy you screwed last night wants to stay to help you clean your house and do your laundry with you today or the hot woman who rocked your world last night wants to stay to go with you to buy beer and watch the ballgame with you later. It appears all you had in common, after all, was a moment in time and some casual sex. Do you think years from now you'll even remember her or his name or what she or he even looks like?

Yeah, sex is fun but, in the words of the great singer, Peggy Lee.

"Is that all there is?"

Think about that. I mean, don't just read it and gloss over it, but really ponder the question. Is that all there is? If that's all there is, then that's not much and, certainly not enough for anyone to do anything with other than to continue the process of going from person to person. It's sort of like eating the cherry off the top of the sundae but never consuming the ice cream. I'd never feel full if I went through life only eating cherries and neither would my hunger for life be satisfied. Bored and feeling a bit restless just thinking about going through life only experiencing cherries, there's so much more to life than just cherries. Less we forget the pits, there's also the bowl, of course.

My attitude is, has always been, and coincides with the philosophical statement that the late, great Freddie Mercury of the rock group Queen made in his title song, "I Want It All."

"I want it all."

Certainly, it's a simple enough answer when someone asks me a direct question. What do you want in a woman and a relationship?

"I want it all."

I want it all and is wanting it all too much to want and too much to expect to get? I want the sex, the love, the romance, and the relationship. I want it all. I don't want one without the other. I want it all.

Just as it's nothing, certainly not enough, when you only have one of those parts, namely, sex, it's equally as empty when one of those four pieces, love, romance, relationship, and, of course, sex, are missing and you're left longing for more. When you're left longing for more, when you know there's something missing, you feel restless, lonely, and incomplete. I know, I've been there, just as, we've all been there. Except, when experiencing that emptiness, when one of those pieces are missing, is when people stray looking for that perfect someone, who they think can give them all of what they want and all of what they need to finally have all the pieces, especially the piece or pieces they're missing in place.

If it was only that simple. Here we go again. Stuck in, yet, another relationship and faking, yet, another relationship, how long will it take before this one sours? What you found with one you gave up something with the other. When will we learn? A relative term and a common wish, why can't we be happy?

"You want it all? How dare you want it all? That's so greedy of you, after all, to want it all. Who do you think you are to want it all? What makes you think that you can have it all or even deserve to have it all? What makes you so special? No one gets it all, not even you, especially not you." Maybe, we can't have it all.

Whether he knew it or not what Charles Dickens wrote about in Oliver Twist and by using his character to forward his sentiments, applies today. Of course, he was writing about the very poor and the very rich but his famous phrase, appearing below, is appropriate here, too, when writing about faking relationships.

"Please Sir (or Madam), can I have some more?"

If there is a God in Heaven, then I beseech you, I want more. I want to experience it all. I don't want to be shortchanged in my one life to live. I want the unedited, unabridged, hardcore, X rated, long lasting fairytale, love story that so many of us long to have and dream about experiencing, but don't get. Most of us get the abbreviated and fast forwarded version never saying all that we feel and feeling all that we want. Yet, I don't want to settle for watching it happen between two actors on the silver screen or read about it in a book; I want to experience it myself, so that when it's my time to die, I will go quietly in the night without any regrets.

"I got it all. I did. Not only that, but I did it all, too. Now, I can die peacefully."

When you think about it, we all settle for less. I know I did. Accepting parts from one, while wishing for parts from another. I don't want to settle. I'm tired of settling and having to take less than all that I wanted. I want the moon, the sun, and the stars. I want my heart to skip a beat when I see her and my thoughts to be consumed with her when she's not with me. Is that too much to ask and too much to expect?

I want to go for long walks holding her hand and when I'm not holding her hand, I want my arm to rest on her body where her waist curves down and away to meet her hip. That's my favorite part of a woman's body, that sexy curve just above her hip. I want to talk about everything and laugh at nothing. I want her to miss me when I'm not there and cherish me when I am there.

I want to feel more than her lips and her tongue when I kiss her. I want to feel wonderment and amazement. I want her to blank my mind with her kisses and to give me goose bumps with her touch. I want to spoon with her every night and make love with her every morning.

"I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything," sings Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland in her song, "Settlin'" and I wholeheartedly agree with her sentiment. "I ain't settlin'. Hell, I'm tired of settlin', ain't you?"

When I was with my wife, my best friend, the best time of my day was in the morning and in the evening when we sat talking over a cup of coffee. Now, there are those who may say, that it was the coffee and the caffeine and not the company that I remember but, I can assure you that it was the dialogue, the relationship, and the bond of love that grew and blossomed between two people, in my instance, a man and a woman, and a husband and a wife. Yet, the same holds true for a couple in gay or lesbian relationship. People are people, no matter their sexual orientation. We all want love and to be loved.

In our particular case, the relationship was bigger than any individual part, the sex, the love, and the romance. Unfortunately, it was other factors that necessitated that we part and end our long marriage. We're still friends, but not lovers; we were never lovers.

Having had a long-term marriage in my life, I miss not having that kind of relationship with my prior and present girlfriend. It's sad to admit that I'll never have another relationship like I had with my wife. "Is that all there is?" At least, I had that. I was lucky to experience that. Some, many, most people, perhaps, never experience what I experienced with my ex-wife. The relationship that I have now with my girlfriend is different, yet still good, most times, when we aren't arguing and when we're speaking to one another. Only, I can see it ending soon. Already, we're growing apart. There's that indefinable thing that's missing. It's mutual. It's over.

There are so many who go through life alone and never experience the love of another. I don't envy those who run the fast life hanging out in bars, clubs, drinking, experimenting with drugs, and, suddenly, are in a panicked rush at midnight desperate to find someone, anyone, to take home for the night. No one wants to go home alone. No one wants to be alone. How sad, lonely, and empty is that, picking up a stranger rather than being with your bad self?

Those are the ones who hate to be alone but, in fact, even when they are in the company of others, are alone more than they realize. Those are the ones who can't open their hearts and reveal their true feelings for another. Those are the ones who keep their lovers at arm's length giving their partner's the perception that they are aloof and detached and are afraid to communicate how they truly feel. Those are the ones who aren't honest with their lover because they are unable to be honest with themselves. Those are the ones who cannot commit and truly believe they are happy in their solitary relationship with themselves. To me, unable to open up to and embrace your lover is a depressing state of being, a lonely existence, and something that people do when they're young and before they find that special someone or when they know it's over and are about to end the relationship to, hopefully, find it all with someone else.

Yet, so many never find that special someone. Speaking of which, how do you realize when someone is special? How do you know, when you see him or her, if she or he is that person? How do you know you've found them? You may think and hope you know, but you don't know, most times. It's those second thoughts that give you sleepless nights. Some know, immediately that she or he is the one. Others don't know, until it's too late and they've already let the one go, who they should have never allowed to disappear, within the darkness of night and the time passages of life.

Life is lonely without love. We all need someone to share our private thoughts, dreams, and hopes, while trusting them not to hurt us. We all need someone to hold onto when life's road gets bumpy. We all need someone to celebrate the good times and help us get through the bad times. Otherwise, it's all for naught.

Give me love over money, any day. Sure, we all need money to live. Yet, money is easy to get. A job will get you money, enough to survive and make do, at least. Yet, so few of us will find that special someone who satisfies us in every way, so that we'll never look at another or think about being with another. Be honest, how many of you can say that? Sure, you love the one you're with, but do you really love them, or are you just afraid to let them go and afraid to be alone? Surely, they may not be the right one for you, but they're someone and better than having no one.

Perhaps, you're just comfortable playing it safe. Yet, if you're thinking about someone else, do you love the one you're with now or are you biding your time and saving your love for someone else, someone better, later? Based on divorce statistics of those who have cheated in their marriages, we humans are a fickle lot and are not very faithful, honorable, or monogamous. Too many of us are depressed and unhappy relying on others and/or things to fill our needs, whether it's people, food, alcohol, drugs, job, career, education, money, power, influence, or shopping.

Take a moment to think about it. There's no one else here, just you, the reader, and me, the writer. No one, not even I can hear what you're saying or know what you're feeling and thinking. So, now that we're alone, let me ask you, again, are you faking the relationship you are in now? Are you totally immersed in your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other or are you just going through the motions, while daydreaming of someone else?

Are you thinking about someone else? Who are you thinking about? How are they different than the one you're with now? Do you think your life will be better with the one you're with now gone and the new one in your life? When you're out and about, do you look at others wondering what it would be like to be with them? If given the chance, the opportunity, and the wherewithal, would you choose another over the one you're with, now? Be honest.

There are women in my past who I wonder where they are now and, had I persevered and pursued them past the initial attraction, if we could have had a magical and mutually satisfying relationship together. Maybe I married the wrong one and let the right one go? Who's to know? It's all speculation and arbitrary. Besides, it's too late, now. Why even dwell over what was never meant to be? Right? Maybe, not. I don't know. Yet, the fact that I'm thinking about this all, now, makes me wonder if I'm presently faking a relationship. We all do what we have to do, sometimes, to survive. Sometimes, we take the easy way out or pick the one close by or settle for the one we know we can get or already have. She or he isn't so bad.

What about you? Did you settle? And if you did settle, what if you hadn't settled? What if you held out and waited? Who would you have been with instead? How different would your life be now, if making your way through life with another? Or would you have ended up alone and lonely having never taken the plunge and given someone a chance. Think about it. Be honest. No one but you will ever know the truth.

Maybe you could have been with that guy or gal who you recently met at the office, had you not already been committed to a relationship. Maybe you could have had a totally different life living in a different part of the country or world. Your children would certainly be different and look different, had you had them with someone else, that's for sure. Maybe you wouldn't have had children or you would have had more children.

We're only here the one time. Unless there's reincarnation, this is it and there are no second chances at living life all over again. It's a sad thing to waste your life with someone you don't love. Love is magical, electric, and orgasmic. Why would you not want to feel that?

Maybe some of us are incapable of feeling and/or wanting all of that. Maybe it's too much of an expectation to think that we can have all of it. Maybe it's good enough for them to settle for less. After all, you may not be happy but you're not sad. Are you? Everything is status quo. Isn't it?

You get to do your thing and he or she gets to do his or her thing. It works. It's all good. Sure, it works now, that is, until one of you questions what you have or don't have and discovers that you could have had a sleek, exciting machine, instead of the broken down jalopy you're motoring your life with now. Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Yes, I hear you and I understand your plight. Who wants a past-their-prime mother or father with two or three or more children? You have too much baggage to be searching for someone else, now that you're stuck in a relationship, now that you're faking the relationship you're in, and don't want it to end for fear of being alone and lonely with no one but your bad self. You never know, maybe your Heavenly match or soul mate is a past-their-prime mother or father with two or three or more children.

Besides, how do you find that special someone? You've already tried bars, Internet dating, and fate to find and/or settle for the one who you have, now. Yet, for those of you who are shaking your head convinced that you're happy in your present relationship, then, tell me, if you're so happy with your mate, why are you still sitting here reading this story? Why are you here? Think about that for a minute. Why are you still here reading? The fact that you're still here and still reading this essay is very telling, don't you think?

Yet, too many of us are defeated by the how, by the when, and by the where? It's easier just to say, it is what it is, until it isn't anymore, and I'll cross that bridge when forced to do so in divorce court. It's too late, too complicated, and not worth the effort now, to make that kind of committed change for the unknown on the chance that my life could be better. My life is too financial entangled with real estate and emotionally encumbered with children. It'd be too messy of a divorce, if we parted now.

Besides, my life isn't so bad. He's a good father or she's a good mother, I could have done worse for myself. Yet, if your biggest consideration in a partner is that of a caregiver for your children, then you could always hire a nanny and/or a babysitter.

Wouldn't you rather be happy? I mean, seriously, are you jumping up and down on the sofa like that idiot Tom Cruise did over Katie Holmes on Oprah. I wonder if he's still jumping up and down now or if he's thinking about someone else. Admittedly, if I had a woman who was as young, good looking, and rich as Katie Holmes, perhaps, I'd be jumping up on down on the couch, too, so long as I loved her and she loved me.

Tell me this, though, if you won the lottery, would you still be with the one you're with now? That's something to think about and that's so revealing in discovering if you've been faking your relationship all this time. Now, we're talking.

I realize there's much to think about now that I forced you to think about all of this by reading this piece. I know that if I had more choices, my life would certainly be different than it is now. I truly don't think that I'd be sitting here writing stories. Maybe, however, this is the best time of my life and I don't, yet, know it. Maybe years from now, while sitting in a nursing home and staring out the window at a squirrel, I'll be missing this time in my life.

Maybe we all need to live in the moment and be grateful for what we have, even if we must fake the relationship to believe we have more and are happily in love.

"I want it all and I will not settle for anything less than everything."

That's a great thought to think when you're young but, later in life, if you have someone who is pleasant and kind that may be enough.

"Honey, I'm home. What's for supper? I'm starved."

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