In the Name of Desire

I know I should just go home, go to bed, and wait for Brad to come home in the morning. But, then again, he is still out having fun, and I am sure there are many other young "groupie" types that will party with his band. Even though part of me knows it's a bad idea, I decide to go with it.

"Well, Brad won't be home till later on this morning, around eleven or twelve he said. So, I guess I could stop over for a while to hang out."

"Cool, let me give you directions to our place." I can't believe what I am doing, I even slip off my ring and lock it in the glove compartment, so I don't lose it there.

I arrive at their place a little after two a.m., my hands start to shake as I step out of my car. He comes out onto the porch when he sees me pull in. "Thanks for coming over." He smiles and brings me inside, handing me a beer.

His friends are at a game of foosball, we watch as one of them wins. We smile at each other, and he offers me a seat. His hand brushes my arm as he points me to the open seat on the couch.

I get a rush as I feel his hand on me briefly. He sits next to me, not too close really, but he is there. I cross my legs slightly, a bit nervous, he tugs at the his pants. The sparks between us are so hot, I wonder if we could start the house on fire.

His friends sense the tension in the air, and try to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood. Finally, one friends fiends tiredness, leaving only Eric. Ryan then challenges him to one round to end the games.

Ryan wins, and by then his friend was quite drunk and drops to the couch next to me. I stand up as Eric soon passes out on the couch. I start to walk towards the stairs, seeming to leave.

"Wait, I didn't get to play you yet Amy." He challenges. "

"You know I am bad at this game, and you are really good."

"I'll play one handed." You offer.

"That still might not be fair."

"Alright we can play that way, I think that would make it fairer. Two out of three for the win?" I ask.

"Mmm, just one round I think tonight." We play the round, its close. In the end you still win one handed.

"Well look at that, you won the game." I say smiling. He walks over to me, grabs my left hand.

"Um, aren't you missing something, a certain accessory?" He questions.

"I didn't want to lose it or anything, you rough housing boys and all."

"I see, but there are no rough housing boys in the bars?" He is almost mocking me now, half a smile smirking on his face. I then realized he still held the hand missing the ring, and I pulled it from him.

"Why did you come here tonight Amy?"

"What do you mean? You invited me here, I came over to hang out, to catch up with you a little."

"Is that so. Hmm, well I'm guessing you will be leaving then, party has kind of died down here, right?" You continue your sly questions.

"I guess I will then" I agree, and don't bite on the attempt. I turn and head for the door, you follow me shutting off a light as you go. Once I reach the doorway, you catch my elbow. "Well goodnight Amy."

"Good night Ryan, thanks for inviting me over." I turn to go out the door. You catch my arm again.

"You sure you want to go home right now?" You ask looking at me. I nod, but you aren't convinced. Instead, you pull me by the shoulders, and put your arms around my waist. "You still sure you want to leave?" I only half nod, then shake my head no.

Instantly your lips find mine, pressing there for a moment, savoring, and then you start to move your lips against mine. I put my hands to your shoulders, trying to stop this insanity, but instead my arms slide up and around your neck, and I slide my tongue into your mouth and return your kisses.

We stand there in the doorway, just kissing for several minutes, exploring each other's mouths once again. It has been almost two years since we have even kissed. It feels somewhat bittersweet. Every inch of your mouth is just as I remember it though. Your kisses feel just as good, if not even better than before. I feel shivers going throughout my body as we continue to kiss passionately.

My knees feel week, I press myself closer to your strong body, and you hold me against you hard. Finally, after endless minutes of kissing, our lips separate. You look into my eyes, and I look into yours, I can't believe this is happening. This is completely wrong, I am engaged! But it feels so damn right to be here with you tonight!

You loosen your hold on me, but still keep your arms around me. I start to speak to protest, but your finger comes to my lips to stop me. Then it traces my lips softly, and your thumb grazes my chin.

You pull my face up to yours and we kiss again, deeper this time if it's at all possible. You pull my body closer to you once more, so almost every inch of my body is touching yours. I slightly moan into your mouth, and your breath catches, then you moan in response to me.

I arch my body against you, and one hand moves to stroke up and down my back, while the other moves farther down to caress my butt. This makes me grow wet, as your hands splay about my body. I feel need and desire building inside of me. Our lips not separated, we continue our intense kissing, almost literally breathing solely each other's air.

I am starting to feel overwhelmed with passion for you, but still stricken with guilt in the back of my mind. I am completely torn between what I want right now, and what I know is the right thing to do. I know I need to stop this insanity right now. But this insanity, is something I don't have with Brad and never have.

It's not that the initial passion died down between Brad and me. I just never truly felt this intense passion with him, as I feel with Ryan. I know in some ways, this missing feeling of intense passion is going to eat at me.

Ryan senses my withdrawal from the present, and pulls his lips away from mine. "What is it?"

"I think you know what it is Ryan. I want this so much, but it is so completely wrong."

"In theory, yes, but in reality, in this here right now, it feels right."

"I know.. it does but, will it feel so right when I wake up tomorrow morning?" You hug me close and tuck my head under your chin sighing.

"I want you, so much Amy. But if this isn't right for you, then we will have to let it go."

"I'm so sorry Ryan, I want this so much too. I just don't think I can do it. I'm sorry." I pull out of your arms and open the door, then leave. I walk out to my car, feeling empty and longing for Ryan. I sit in my car, without starting the engine for a while. I start to turn the key, then stop.

I get out of my car, and walk again to the back door, hoping you are still up. I just stand there for a minute, afraid to knock, when the door opens. You must have been watching me out the window. You look at me, then move aside to let me in, neither of us knowing what to say.

"I, um, I couldn't leave Ryan." I barely got the words out of my mouth when you kiss me again, pulling me against your body immediately. I pull away to your dismay, only to walk further into the house.

You see what I am heading for, and grab my hand, leading to your room. I still feel guilty in the back of my mind, but I cannot stop myself from being with you tonight, I have to be with you. If only for this one night tonight.

You lead me into the bedroom. You switch on a lamp and I stand next to your bed, looking deep into your eyes. You take off your shirt over your head, then take off your pants, leaving only boxers. You pull me in your arms again and kiss me softly this time, taking more time. After a few minutes, I slip out of your arms for a second and take my shirt off tossing it to the floor.

Your hands play with the waist of my pants, then slowly unbutton them for me. You slip them down my slightly shaky legs, I step out of them. I slide onto your bed and pull you with me, you lie next to me for a moment, running your hand up and down my arm.

Then we kiss again, the intensity building once more. Our bodies move closer, my leg slides between yours and your arms wrap around me. We kiss so intensely, our mouths merging as one mouth, one breath, than another breath. My hands play with your hair as we kiss, your tongue hungrily explores my mouth. Then you roll on top of me, not breaking our kiss for a second.

I moan as I feel your hardness pressing against me, and arch my body closer to yours. You start to kiss my neck, then my right ear, softly licking the inside of my ear. This sends chills down my spine, you kiss my neck again, running your tongue in slow circles up and down my neck.

I surrender to my desire as you continue your perusal of my body with your lips and tongue. You trace along the edges of the lace bra with your tongue, and between my breasts. Then your mouth moves back along to my other breast. You reach behind me to undo my bra strap, letting the lace slowly fall from my breasts. Your fingertips graze my breasts, without yet touching my nipples. You roll your thumb around one, then to its tip, making it hard. You do the same to the other breast, and tease me with your fingers.

Finally, you bring your lips to one nipple, lightly taking in into your mouth and softly flicking your tongue across it, then around it in circles. You then suck the nipple fully into your mouth, causing an ache of desire to go throughout my entire body. I moan and grab your hair with the pleasure you are bringing to me. You repeatedly do this to one breast, and then another, driving me fully insane.

My moans become more frequent as you do wonderful things to my body, making me a prisoner to my own desires. I couldn't stop you now if Brad were to appear right in this room. A feeling of guilt comes over me again, but I push it aside and focus on the pleasure you give me. Your tongue continues to trail over my upper body, circling, sliding across my hot skin.

I am so wet now, it must be soaking my lace panties. I say your name as I moan again, pulling more at your dark wavy hair, as my passion continues to mount. Your mouth licks and sucks its way down to my stomach, kissing every inch of my belly as you go back and forth. Your warm wet tongue swirling in tiny circles over my hot flesh.

You pull back up and kiss me on the mouth once more, I let out a sigh of both contentment and frustration. I love the way you kiss me, but I want you between my legs so bad I think I will die if I don't feel your mouth there soon. I can taste my skin on your lips, as you kiss me again. I feel as though the world has ceased to exist and we are the only two beings left.

I run my tongue over your bottom lip and suck it into my mouth, then slide my tongue deep into the corners of your mouth, exploring the taste and feel. You groan as I suck on your tongue, chills running through your body. Once again, your mouth trails down my neck, slowly over my body, and finally teasing at the top of my panties.

I squirm in pleasure and urge you to continue, stroking and scratching my nails into your hair, pushing gently at your head. Your fingers trace the line at the top of my panties, then lightly slide down their sides and back to the top again. You play with the thin band teasingly, then finally pull them out of your way, and bend further down, dropping them to the floor.

My heart is beating faster as I anticipate how much pleasure you give me. My breath inhales as I feel your tongue start to tease me, still not touching all the way down. I moan and scratch my nails along your shoulders when your lips and tongue move over my most sensitive areas, leaving not a centimeter unpleasured. Your fingers splay over me, and you kiss me there as you would my mouth.

This wonderfully goes on forever, as you kiss, lick, and suck me into ecstasy. I cannot lie still, as my pleasure continues to build, my legs are writhing on the bed. Finally, the sweet torment ends in the ultimate ecstasy. You wipe your chin, smiling as you look intently into my eyes from between my thighs.

I pull you up beside me and I rub your shoulders and neck in appreciation. "Mmm. That was so incredible Ryan. Thank you." I am still breathing heavily from the orgasm you just gave me.

"Oh it was my pleasure, believe me." You brush my hair and kiss my lips, and I can taste myself on your lips.

I slide on top of you, again feeling your hardness. I kiss your neck, biting playfully here and there. My legs go around your thighs as I grind softly against you while I kiss your neck and collarbone. You moan from the sensations. I kiss along your chest, and lick at each of your nipples, causing you to gasp.

I kiss and lick your stomach, licking around your navel, then farther down. You groan as you feel my mouth over you, and I pull away the flap of your boxers. First, I start licking teasingly, then with more purpose. I pleasure you for a while, then move away, and start to rub against you through your boxer shorts, causing more moans to escape your lips.

I grind my pelvis teasingly, touching you, but not allowing you what you want so badly. You moan your frustrations. Hey, I can tease too. But you decide to outsmart me and roll me over onto my back, playfully pinning me beneath you, smiling as though you have claimed your prize. You start to kiss me again, and I revel in the feeling of our passionate kisses. I wrap my legs around you and we thoroughly kiss hard.

Regretfully you pull away, long enough to get a condom from your drawer. You ask me what you are all of a sudden afraid I will say no to. I smile at you and nod, you come back onto the bed and smile, sitting on your heals over my legs. I close my eyes briefly, and run my hands up and down your legs, urging you.

You get ready, and I wrap my legs around your hips as we finally come together once more. The feeling is incredible, unbelievable, but it's happening. We enthusiastically enjoy each other and when it finally ends, you collapse.

"Mmm.. my god, that was amazing." You say almost in disbelief to me. I kiss your lips.

"Mmm.. you were amazing, that was great, everything was." You smile at me, satisfied that you succeeded in pleasing me. You wrap your arms around me and pull me into your chest, which feels so inviting. I cuddle against you, kiss your chest, and close my eyes.

I don't want to wake up later and face what has happened, but for now, I will enjoy lying in your arms. Your fingers softly play with my hair, caressing my head, then you kiss my forehead.

I awake from my short but incredible sleep before nine, I try not to yet think about what has happened. Then I realize I have to get back soon, before Brad comes home. I look at you, one arm still wrapped around my waist, a leg in between mine. I carefully pull away trying not to wake you.

I step to pick up my strewn clothes, and I hear you rustling a bit, starting to wake. I try to leave without waking you, but you already have, realizing I was no longer next to you. You sit up and grab my wrist as I start to walk away.

"Don't go, stay here with me longer."

"Ryan I can't, I have to go now." You tug at my hand, urging me to come back into bed with you. I almost concede, you look so inviting, but I come to my senses again, and pull away. "I'm sorry Ryan, I have to go. I had a great time, but I have to get home. I'm sorry."

You look so disappointed. Usually when I left you in the morning, you woke long enough to say goodbye. Today you get out of bed and follow me out the door, your hand grazing my back.

We walk down the stairs quietly, neither of us sure if anything should be said. You grasp my hand once more as we near the door. You lean in, just to kiss me on the cheek. I surprise you, turn your head, and kiss you on the lips. A goodbye kiss really. A soft sweet kiss, that ends almost as soon as it has begun. You just stare at me as I pull away, your mouth still open from the kiss. "Thank you for an amazing night Ryan."

"Thank you Amy, for last night. I wish it didn't have to end."

"I know, but it has to end here. Good bye."

"Bye Amy." You squeeze my hand one last time before letting it go. I turn and walk out the door and to my car. This time I drive away.

I can't believe what happened, I can't believe what I have done. I feel stricken with guilt, but already miss the feeling of being in Ryan's arms. I start to cry, as I drive through the city to go home. Can I tell Brad what has happened? I know I am a terrible liar, it won't be long before he sees I am hiding something from him.

And our engagement party tonight. Shit. Can we even have this party now? I feel like such a hypocrite. I just came from another man's bed, and now I am getting ready for an engagement party with my fiancé!

I realize my body is still somewhat aroused from all the passion I shared with Ryan last night. I can still feel his kisses, my lips slightly throbbing from the encounter. I arrive home, and jump in for a quick but vigorous shower, hoping to erase any evidence. It's now nearly eleven, and Brad ought to be home soon. I flop onto the bed and try to compose myself. Thankfully, he doesn't arrive home until after noon. He walks in to find me brushing my hair in the bathroom.

"Hi sweetie, I missed you last night." He smiles, puts his arms around me standing behind me, then kisses me on the head. I feel sick, horribly guilty. At least I remembered to put my ring back on my finger.

"How was everything?" I say, wondering if he can smell Ryan on me. "Did you stay up all night?"

"Not quite, I think I got to bed by five a.m." I imagine I was up past then with Ryan. "Got a few hours of sleep. What did you girls do last night?" I had already decided I would tell him, but not just yet. For now, I needed to come up with something until I know the best way to break it to him.

"Well we went out, then went to an after bar." True, but you are leaving something out here I think.

"I was wondering why you didn't answer when I tried the house before nine. I was going to let you know I would be on my way soon." My heart jumped into my throat. There was no way I could hide this for much longer. But for now, I turn in your arms to face you, and kiss you.

"I'm sorry I missed the call, I was asleep." My distraction was successful, you kiss me again in return, pushing me into the counter. Already I feel your hardness, and I try not to turn you on any further. "Hey we have a lot of work to get done for this big party you sprung on me." I chide him, hoping he won't mind the slight brush off.

He concedes, and first showers before we start to get ready for the party. I know I shouldn't even let this engagement party happen now, but I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if I want to end our relationship, although he would have every right to when he finds out what I have done.

I am not sure I could be with Ryan, even if things were to end with Brad. I think what Ryan and I have is the desire, fueled by knowing we shouldn't be together like last night. I am sure even if the situation was real, once the excitement of being forbidden was gone, the passion might be gone.

I can't let this party happen, I must tell him what I have done. It may mean losing him, but I feel too guilty. He steps out of the shower, and walks to the kitchen with a towel around his waist.

Smiling at me, he turns me away from what I am doing and grabs me, putting his arms around me. He leans in to kiss me and I let him, still not sure how to tell him. Maybe I can first tell him I am just not up to having the party tonight. Finally, I start to talk.

"Brad, there's something we need to talk about." You look at me intently. "I am having doubts about us." Your expression tightens, you aren't sure how to respond.

"What kind of doubts?" You look very concerned now.

"I really don't know how to explain it."

"Well try me, and I hope I can understand so we can work this out."