Is Enough Really Enough?

Things slowly returned to "normal", whatever that was. Denise functioned well. She went through the motions at least. She had returned to work and seemed to enjoy what she was doing. Their time at home settled into a routine similar to what they had before Dee's depression. But it really wasn't the same. Something was missing, something difficult to put a finger on, something difficult to define. Outwardly, Dee seemed fine. Everyone commented about how she was her old self, but Arch could feel the difference. The facade she had built was fragile but strong enough so that she could function, but there was a sadness the he could feel. A sadness that wouldn't go away. Her joie de vivre was gone.

The years seemed to almost fly by. Their relationship stabilized, things settled down. Denise seemed to have gotten through that terrible period and was her old self - at least outwardly. Arch really didn't want to rock the boat, he was grateful that Dee had managed to overcome the demons that had possessed her, but Arch also recognized that things seemed to have gone downhill for the past few years. Denise seemed to have drawn into herself again. Oh, not like the time of her illness, but she had become a bit remote, more stoic.

Arch remembered the "conversation" they had when he had suggested a party to celebrate her 40th birthday. She had flushed and almost screamed: "Goddamn it, Arch. I don't want any fucking party. You can be so stupid sometimes," she shrieked at him and then stalked off.

Arch just stood there, dumbfounded. Dee's outburst was so unlike her and she rarely if ever used the "f" word. He never again brought the subject up and he followed her lead by just ignoring her birthday, for which she seemed grateful.

Arch now wondered, was that the beginning of the slow but steady slide into what now seemed a cold and distant relationship? Was Dee's outburst that evening a signal that their marriage was headed for the inevitable? He recognized that she wasn't the only one to blame for where they now were. He had slowly become impatient with her moodiness, her coolness and he had reacted by becoming indifferent. It seemed that he had given all that he had throughout the years, perhaps there was nothing left in him to give. So he wondered, was there any love left?

*******************

Arch was awakened from his reverie by the sound of the front door closing. Denise had left. He rose wearily and walked into the kitchen, seeing a note lying on the table.

Dear Arch

I'm really sorry about having to schedule a meeting this evening. I left your dinner in the warming oven. Please don't forget to eat. I should be back early.

Love Dee

Arch shook his head guiltily, knowing that he had acted foolishly and vowed to apologize to Dee when she got back. He also realized that this little incident was symptomatic of a much deeper problem, of the deterioration of what had first brought them together, of the love that they had shared.

The next few days went by with Arch trying to make a renewed effort to bring some life into their marriage. He was solicitous and caring. He made efforts to talk about interesting things that had occurred during the day and he tried to elicit comments from Dee about her work. It wasn't as if things were cold or angry; what agonized him was the lack of real warmth, the lack of that emotional bond that they once had. He wondered if he should suggest counseling, but was fearful of another outburst. In the end he just began to accept what was; perhaps one day soon he would reach a decision about where he really wanted his life to go.

It happened on the day that spring turned into summer. Arch sat at his desk fighting the feeling of nausea. He had broken out in a sweat and he knew that something was wrong. He wasn't feeling well and he suspected that he had come down with some kind of bug. He finally accepted the inevitable, rose, grabbed his briefcase and told his secretary that he wasn't feeling well and was going home.

Driving home the feeling of illness seemed to intensify a bit. It was with a sigh of relief that he pulled into his street. He was surprised to see Dee's car in the drive along with another car that he didn't recognize. Parking at the curb and forgetting his briefcase, he walked up to the front door, unlocked it and entered his house. Everything seemed quiet. He now recognized that his back was hurting, sharp pains between his shoulders. He almost staggered up the stairs, stumbling to his bedroom when he passed the guest room. He heard sounds, turned and saw Denise, naked on the bed with a guy between her legs, pumping away.

Arch stood frozen for a moment. He then felt an agonizing pain in his chest, like a vise tightening, crushing him. He reached out to steady himself, finding nothing to grasp. He managed to moan before he collapsed to the floor, sinking into a black pool of darkness.

********************

Denise Meader lay quietly, her mind wandering. This, her first fling into extra-marital sex, wasn't turning out as she had thought. She had hoped that taking a lover would banish self doubts about her desirability, and her fears of entering middle-age. She had hoped that a lover would make her feel youthful and sensual. It wasn't working. She almost smiled; it had been so easy to seduce Hal Wallin, another senior account executive. He was in his early fifties and had been divorced for over a year now. All it took was a smile and a lunch. He was so eager to get into her pants that he almost swallowed his tongue when she suggested a drink after lunch at her place. From there into bed was a short hop.

Now she lay there, waiting for him to climax and finish. She knew that this was a mistake, a futile effort to bring some excitement and change into her life - a life which had become dull and empty. As she lay there waiting, she wondered why it had all come to this. She loved her husband, or lat least she thought she did. She knew that her bouts with depression and lack of self-confidence were trying for him. She wondered if he had had affairs and she realized that if he had she couldn't really blame him. She didn't even remember when the last time they made love.

A moan and then a thud woke her from her musing. Turning her head she saw a figure crumpled in the doorway to the room. Fear burst into her heart and she pushed Hall away from her, ignoring his protest. Scrambling to her feet she ran to Arch and turned him on his back. She was shocked at his pallor and she knew that something was terribly wrong.

"Arch, Arch, don't you dare die on me. Hold on, I'm getting help." Moving to the bed she grabbed a pillow and propped it under his head.

"Hal, you had better get out. This was a stupid mistake, it won't happen again. Now move."

Denise then grabbed the phone and called 911. She quickly dressed and cradled Arch in her arms until the medics ran up the stairs and attended to him.

********************

Arch came awake slowly, the noises of his environment filtering into his consciousness. Voices, movement - suddenly aware of a soft beeping behind him. With a soft gasp he became aware of pain, a stabbing sensation in his chest. He opened his eyes and saw the nurse's station not far from him. A woman in scrubs was sitting there, working on a folder. Arch knew where he was - he had been here before, but not as a patient.

He turned his head and saw Denise sitting there, her eyes closed. Her face look drawn and wan. A sudden feeling of deep sadness and loss came over him. He knew that his marriage was over, irrevocably over and tears came to his eyes. He closed them and slept.

Arch awoke again and saw Denise looking at him. She rose and came to him, taking his hand in hers. "Arch, thank goodness. You had a heart attack and they did a triple bypass. They said that you're going to be fine, as good as new. There wasn't too much damage.............." Denise had to stop, she had choked up, tears were flowing down her cheeks and she couldn't continue.

Arch nodded, he understood. Turning his head, he said softly, "Denise, I want you to go home now. Do you understand? I want you to leave now and please, don't visit again. Please do that for me. I need to think and I can't do that now. I want you to go home and please, do not come back here again."

Denise had turned ashen and she had to steady herself. "My God, Arch. Please don't do this - not now. Please, Arch......"

Arch was shaking his head. "Please do as I say. I don't want you here. Just do as I say. Go home. Stay home. Don't come here.........." His voice faltered, grew weak. He closed his eyes and slept.

The next few days went by slowly. Arch gained strength; he walked the hallways with a nurse, wearing a heart monitor which hung from a strap around his neck. A steady progression of visitors, colleagues from all over the hospital, drifted in to pay their respects and wish him well. Denise never returned. Five days after the surgery, his cardiologist sat down with him.

"Arch, I'm discharging you today. You've made excellent progress and you should be fine. I'll want to see you in my office a week from today and I've left instructions for you with the nurse. Don't overdo it. You're to stay home and do light exercise like walking short distances. You can lengthen the walks as you gain more strength - it's all spelled out in the instructions. Now listen, Arch. Don't be a horses ass and try to return to work before you should. Get your strength back, ok? All right, any questions?"

Arch sat and thought a moment. "Teddy, I guess I really owe you for saving my life. No, no, don't shake your head. I want you to know that I appreciate your skills as well as the surgical skills of Jack, my surgeon. I'll thank him also when I see him later on. I have to tell you though - I'm not going to be going home. I've made arrangements for a room at Pineview, the rehab center. I'll spend a week or so there until I'm ready to return to work. When I leave there I'll be living at a furnished condo that I just leased a couple of blocks from the hospital. I'll leave my change of address with Alice, your nurse."

Arch saw the look of concern on Teddy's face. "Shit happens, Ted. That's all I can say now. Don't ask me any questions, ok?"

As soon as Arch moved into his room at the rehab center he called Sean Riley, his attorney and friend for many years. Sean and his wife Susan had come to see him while he was still in the hospital. Everyone now seemed to know that Denise was staying away, but no one brought that subject up with Arch. It seemed that everyone was perceptive enough to avoid that subject.

"Arch, how are you feeling? You sound better, are you home yet?"

"I'm feeling much better, Sean. Thanks for asking. The reason I'm calling is to ask you to draw up divorce papers. Denise and I are separating. Look, Sean," Arch continued. "Please, don't ask me any questions right now. Just cite irreconcilable differences, that seems to be the phrase de jure these days. I'll talk to you in a few days and give you more details. Do me a big favor and just do as I ask."

********************

The weeks passed, Arch was back to work and now living in a rented two bedroom condo. He had had no contact with Denise and firmly insisted, when speaking with Sean, that he would not speak with her or deal with her. All contact would be through their attorneys. He proposed that all assets be divided equally except for the house. He wanted nothing from the house but his clothing, computer and various personal effects and papers. Denise could keep the house. He had no interest in it.

It was approximately four weeks after returning to work that Arch looked up from his desk and saw Dr. Bernie Green standing in his doorway. "It looks like your secretary took her lunch hour, Arch," he rumbled. "You know the old adage, 'if Mohammed won't come to the mountain, etc. etc......," he continued as he moved to a chair in from of Arch's desk.

Arch sighed and put down his pen. "Sorry, Bernie. I did get your message but it's really been crazy here. I just haven't had time to get back to you." Arch then hesitated when he saw the look on Bernie's face. "Okay, Bernie. Enough bullshit. I just really didn't want to hear what you were going to say to me. I'm pretty sure that Denise has spoken to you, but it makes no difference. I have had enough, Bernie. I want out. Do you understand?"

Bernie sighed heavily and nodded. "Okay, Arch. I understand, but it was incumbent upon me to try to speak with you. Denise is distraught and on the verge of a breakdown. I know, I know, you don't want to hear it........."

Arch interrupted him. "Goddamnit, Bernie. I've been through all of that. She always on the verge of a breakdown. She's a natural depressive and has been since she discovered that she couldn't have children. Living with her since that time has been an ordeal - she's very good at feeling sorry for herself. Well, now she really has something to feel sorry about. You know, Bernie - in a way I'm glad that she betrayed our marriage, glad that she screwed another man. It gave me the boost to finally do something about my life, although to tell the truth I could have done without the heart attack and bypass surgery," he stated wryly. "Look, Bernie. Enough is enough," he concluded.

"Okay, Arch, okay. I surrender. I just thought that I would give it a shot. Sometimes the end is really just the end. I'll continue to see Denise, I'll help her all I can. She is a very confused and bewildered woman. She is at a complete loss as to why she did what she did. Oh, she knows the superficial reasons, crossing over to middle-age, a sense of loss of her youth, etc. etc. What she doesn't understand is why that should have made her act in such a stupid manner. She feels that she must have been 'brain dead', her words. Okay, Arch. Enough. Keep in touch though, please?"

Arch rose, shook Bernie's hand and escorted him out of the office. He returned to his desk and sat, unable now to get his mind back on his work. "Brain dead," he thought. "Perhaps Dee had been brain dead for quite awhile. He shook his head and picked up his pen, getting back to the monthly reports.

********************

Denise didn't contest the divorce and it didn't take long for it to become final. She received the papers in the mail one morning and sat at the kitchen table, allowing the flimsies to flutter to the floor. Dee was filled with a sense of emptiness, recognizing that a good portion of her life had now ended. She didn't think that the impact would be as devastating, didn't realize how deep her sorrow would be. It wasn't until the final papers were in her hand did she come to the realization of what she had lost. It was now, now that she was totally severed from Arch, did she realize how much she loved him. The old adage crept into her thoughts, 'you never know what you have until you've lost it'. She lowered her head to the table and wept.

********************

The weeks turned into months and it was now close to a year since the Meader's divorce. Arch had purchased the condo he had leased and had had it redone: painted, new carpeting and new furniture. He even had new appliances installed in the kitchen and had turned into a fairly decent cook. He had immersed himself in his work and really had no desire to become more social or date. He was content, or at least he thought he was.

His few really close friends from the hospital had kept in touch and he was invited to dinner at their houses occasionally. He knew that they were concerned about him, but were smart enough to never bring up Denise or the divorce. They did try to encourage him to begin seeing a few women in their social circle who were available and had evidenced some interest, but for some reason he really didn't have any desire to begin any kind of relationship with any women.

One morning, as Arch was working at his desk, his secretary buzzed to inform him that Dr. Green was on the line. Arch frowned, hesitated and then told Gail to put him through.

"Hello there, Arch. Have you been avoiding me?" rumbled Bernie. "Just because I was your wife's shrink shouldn't put obstacles between us."

Arch had to smile. "Not really, Bernie. It has been some time since I've seen you, but believe me, it's not been intentional. We're friends, and we have been for years."

"Good, Arch. I'm glad to remembered that. Then you won't mind meeting me for a couple of beers at Clancy's after work. I don't keep beer at home, I would be guzzling it all the time. So I make it out every week or so for a couple of brews. I want you to join me, I need the company. How about it, Arch?" Bernie asked.

"Bernie, you aren't trying to sandbag me, are you?"

"Huh? What sandbag? Ohhhhhh, I see what you're saying. Nah, Arch. You know I'm not devious. All I want is someone to drink with, and you're the unlucky guy I chose this time."

"Ok, Bernie. I'll meet you at Clancy's around 6.

After that call Arch sat back, put his feet up on his desk and laced his fingers behind his head. "Was Bernie being honest with him," he thought. "Did he have an ulterior motive for this meeting?" he wondered. His thoughts once again returned to his ex-wife. He tried to examine his feelings. He thought that he had put her out of his mind, but his thoughts kept returning to Denise and the early years of their marriage. He had finally come to the conclusion that he was far from "over" Dee. He knew that he still had feelings for her. He also knew that that would eventually pass. He knew that he couldn't put himself through that emotional wringer again. Could he? "Nah," he thought. "Never again, enough is enough."

Bernie was waiting in a booth when Arch entered the saloon. The place had an almost old fashioned feeling. Dark woods, red upholstered bar stools and a long, polished oak bar that seemed to stretch forever. Mike Clancy waved from behind the bar as he made his way to where Bernie was seated. Arch seated himself across from Bernie and breathed a sigh.

"It's good to relax, Bernie. Thanks for the invite, I could use a couple of brews."

"Coming up, Arch. Jackie is headed our way right now," he commented as the bar girl placed two frosted Pilsner glasses before them as well as two bottle of ice cold beer. "Okay, gents. Enjoy but don't get plastered," she laughed as she moved away.

The two friends chatted and sippled their beers. When the glasses were empty they motioned for refills and went through them also. Their conversation ranged from the local sports teams, some funny tales from the medical center, but as always, Bernie never commented upon his patients or incidents thereof. Finally Arch noted that Bernie was struggling to contain himself. He had been fidgeting for some time now and a loopy smile would come over his face every once in awhile.

Arch looked askance at him and finally asked the question. "Okay, Bernie. What's biting your behind. You look like the cat that caught the mouse.:

Bernie finally broke down and laughed, again with that idiotic smile. "Arch, I'm seeing a wonderful gal and I wanted you to know. I think it's serious, at least it is on my part."

Arch was delighted. "Damn, that's great, Bernie. I'm really glad for you. You deserve someone nice; it's been too long alone for you. You need someone in your life. Okay, now tell me about her."

Bernie had stopped grinning like the Cheshire Cat and had a small smile on his face. "You know her, Arch. It's Debra, Denise's sister. We've been seeing each other and I think we're going to get married. I'm steeling myself to ask her."

Arch sat there dumbfounded, his mouth agape. He didn't know what to say - this was a complete shock to him. He knew that Bernie had met Debra, in fact that had happened at their house at a dinner party. Gathering himself together, Arch smiled in return and extended his hand to Bernie.