It Was Something in Her Voice

"So you say! And what about that Sunday a couple of months ago, maybe a bit more, in June?"

"I don't know what you are talking about, but I can promise you it was not what you seem to be thinking."

"It was a Sunday, and I had a flat tyre on my way to Church. So I hoped you'd come back from golf and rescue me. Well I know you never have your phone on you on a Sunday. So I phoned the Club. The Steward said you were definitely not there, he had seen your foursome go off as a threesome without you."

"Well, if we're talking about the same Sunday, then he might well have done. I was late, but I caught the guys up on the first tee. I'd stopped by at Phil Tremit's house for a quiet word. I knew that Phil wanted Tom Gould to take over sooner rather than later, but I knew the rest of the Board were reluctant to let me go. So, I happened to drop by for a quiet word, when I told him that I was only fifty and I had plenty of enthusiasm to go on for as long as the Board wanted me to. He didn't like that, but it took him longer than I expected. In fact, it took him three months, but I was right, eventually Phil did get the support he needed to let me to take that part time retirement on good terms, just like we both wanted. And I didn't tell you because I didn't want to give you false hope. I thought it better to leave Phil to do his dastardly work in peace."

"Oh. God! I'm so sorry Greg. This just makes my mistake with David all the worse."

"Yes, I guess it does. But while we're talking about it, why don't you explain what was so wonderful about him."

"Well there is no real reason. I was lonely and bored. And I was angry at you that you still hadn't retired like you promised. And I was sure you had wandered in your time, even as recently as last July. So, when I got into a close rapport with an attractive younger man, who seemed to find me attractive which was very flattering, it was easy to let it go too far. It was never serious. Oh, I'm so sorry." And Susan crumpled into a new bout of tears.

Greg passed her his handkerchief. He had nothing to say. He was stunned. For twenty years, his wife, his soul mate, his partner in everything, thought he was a cheating bastard. That was the depth of her understanding of him. He was hurt, insulted and angry. He already had doubts as to whether he could really forget what she had done with Shiner. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to stay married someone who treated their marriage so cheaply as Susan had done. But now he realised that she thought so badly of him. For over twenty years she had thought him a cheat, on a regular basis apparently, and she had so little respect for herself that she'd accepted it.

"Well, Susan. If you're telling me that your excuse for all of this is that you misjudged me, that you haven't talked honestly about your worries and fears over twenty years, then I'm sorry, but however sad it makes me, I think I'm better off out of it."

Susan looked at him, through her tears, "Please, Greg, let's try counselling. So that we can understand each other better. I'm so sorry. I do love you and I want you back."

"No Susan, you love a cheating bastard. Maybe you are noble for being able to do that, or maybe you have so little self-respect that you could put up with it, but you don't love me. Instead, you misjudge me and cheat on me."

As he spoke, Greg stood up. "Goodbye Susan, and the best of luck in your future life."

And Greg walked away from Susan, his home and a very large part of his life. Greg was a very sad man when he returned to his hotel. Somewhere, deep inside him he had been harbouring the hope that Susan did have a real excuse, that she would say something that would drag him back from the brink. Instead she'd insulted him and seemed to think that going to bed with another man was just an unfortunate hiccup, not the betrayal he felt it to be.

As he sat on his bar stool, George glanced at him, "Looks like you need me to phone Chantelle again, just to cheer you up."

Greg looked up, "I saw my wife tonight, and I told her I was going to go through with the divorce. I guess I should be happy, this is the first night of my second bachelorhood. And I've got so much to do, and so much to decide. I guess I'll need somewhere to live, I can't go on living here."

"Why don't you have a word with management, if you want somewhere a bit more independent, they've got a couple of self-contained apartments outside. They use them for self-catering holidays in the season, but they'll be closed up until next summer now. I reckon that they might be interested in doing you a deal for a few months, and you could use the dining room and this bar whenever you wanted. A sort of halfway house to your new life, Sir, how about it?"

"That sounds a good idea, George. I might well have a word. Somewhere to take the ladies as I enjoy my freedom, eh?" Greg smiled weakly, but he felt empty inside.

He spent Christmas in Thailand, a non-Christian country where he thought he might take refuge from too many reminders of the family life he had lost. And it made it easier for Melissa and Jude to stay with their mother, without torn loyalties.

There was some delay in the divorce as Susan's lawyers tried to earn their fees by arguing about the proposed settlement. But when that began to drag on, Greg had a word with Melissa and Jude, and they had a word with their mother, and the settlement was agreed quickly after that.

At Easter Greg found his new home, a week after his divorce was finalised. A country house hotel in a little village just outside town had gone broke, and a developer had bought it to turn into luxury apartments, but keeping the hotel swimming pool and tennis courts and pleasing grounds for the benefit of the new residents. Greg took a very pleasant two bedroom apartment on the second floor.

Having moved in there, Greg started to use the local shops in the village. And he literally bumped into a rather attractive looking woman in the local post office one day. The following week he joined the queue at the check out of the local grocer immediately behind her, and they exchanged pleasantries. Pleasantries led to having a coffee in the local coffee shop. Her name was Mary, and she was a widow with twin sons, and she was forty two years old. Her sons had left home to be in their first year at University, and she now had more time on her hands. Friendship grew into a tentative relationship, but it took over a month before they went to bed together. Then they tried a long weekend in Prague, and they both enjoyed it. So they tried a whole week in Madeira, and that was a very happy time for them both.

In July, Jude graduated. And he and Greg went off to drive across America in a five week trip. Greg had invited Mary rather than Jude, but she wanted to be at home for her two sons returning from University. So it became a boy's trip. And they had a good time, getting closer than ever before. Jude would just squeeze Greg's arm or hand when Greg went quiet having observed that some sight would have interested or pleased Susan. But, on the nights when Jude took a break from his father, and went off to find younger company in bars and nightclubs, Greg found himself thinking of Mary as much as he did of Susan. But he also knew that, as far as Mary was concerned, he came a poor second to her sons.

Almost as soon as he got back from America, Greg was planning his next trip. He had found an organised hill walking trip to the Andes in Peru, to walk some of the Inca trails to some of the ancient sites, including Machu Picchu. It involved some hard walking, and sleeping in tents and he thought it sounded quite exciting, but Mary was not impressed. Greg was beginning to feel that not only were her two sons more important to her than he was, but now he began to suspect that she was a five star luxury hotel type of tourist. He could understand that a single mother would be very committed to her children, but nevertheless, coming second bruised his tender ego. And his doubts about Mary weren't helped by knowing that Susan really enjoyed both walking and roughing it a bit. Like him she thought that doing something completely different to their safe comfortable lives added something exciting. For the thousandth time he wondered if he had done the right thing in divorcing Susan.

In the end, after a long and expensive dinner, he got Mary to promise to at least think about coming to Peru with him.

Then Melissa and Carl announced their engagement. To celebrate, Greg decided to give a small party in his new apartment, with Mary acting as hostess, and her twin sons coming along for the first time, to meet Jude and Melissa. And, after some nagging from Mary, Greg agreed to invite Susan.

As the day of the party approached Greg found himself getting more and more nervous about seeing Susan again. His relationship with Mary was good, but she wasn't Susan, and he was doubtful whether she would ever become as important. With Mary everything was new, exciting but not easy. And he really didn't want to have to play father to two young men he hardly knew. And he knew that she wasn't nearly as adventurous as he. The whole thing didn't give him the security, the comfort that twenty five years of marriage had given him. But, if she agreed to come to Peru, well that would help.

What didn't help was Jude: Over a pint in the pub one evening, he had been quite clear that he hoped that Greg would drop Mary and find his way back to Susan. "She still loves you Dad, I've told her to really fight for you, so give her a chance when she does."

Greg and Mary's party was the first time Greg had seen Susan since the fateful conversation that had decided him on divorce. He was shocked when he saw her, she had put on a considerable amount of weight, her hair was grey and lank, and her new dress was cheap and didn't tailor her new figure at all well.

Greg was the busy host. Carl's parents and his married sister and her husband had come along and the room was full. Whenever he could, Greg watched Susan, but she had hardly spoken to him all day, and she seemed to be hitting the bottle a bit harder than he liked to see.

Late in the day, Mel took him on one side to say that Susan was crying, having taken refuge in the bedroom. And then Jude joined the conversation, and both he and Mel thought it was time for his father to at least talk to their mother.

Greg walked quietly and slowly into the bedroom. Susan was sitting on the edge of the bed, wiping her eyes, but Greg noted the glass of gin and tonic sitting on the cabinet. "I guess it's a bit of a rough day for you, Susan. But I'm glad you came."

Susan looked at him, Greg waited patiently for her to say something.

Eventually, she found her voice, "Yes. I knew I had to face it sometime, but it just reminds me of all we've lost. Don't you feel that too, Greg."

"Yes and No. Yes, we both lost a lot in what you did. But No, an engagement isn't a sad day, and Carl's a very nice guy and he does love our Mel a lot. And I think their engagement can mark how good life can be in the future for all of us, even after.. you know."

"Maybe for you. You seem to have quickly found my replacement."

"You sound so bitter....."

"Well, why not? I've got a lot to be bitter about. I devoted myself to a husband, brought up his children, and once, just once, I made a mistake and had a little relationship of my own, and what does my loving husband do? He doesn't try talking to me, he doesn't try to understand, he just walks out and divorces me. He goes off to travel the world, and lead the good life with his new little whore....."

"That's enough! I thought you were better than this. OK, life has dealt you a blow you didn't want or expect. The same is true for me. But it can still be a good life. And if you don't like your life, well it's up to you to put it right. But if you go on just being bitter and angry, and drinking too much, then there's a place at 43 Manvers Street that might suit you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"It's a place for people who don't help themselves when life goes wrong. Personally, I won't have anything to do with it." Greg looked at her solemnly, but then just walked back into the party.

Mary didn't go to Peru. She knew it was a critical decision, but she didn't want camping and hard work types of adventures. So Greg went alone. He met a woman called Brenda who was Australian and on the same trip. They had some good sex, from the second night onwards in fact, but there was no real relationship, and at the end of the trip she returned to Australia and Greg to the UK with only vague promises to meet again, promises that they both knew they wouldn't keep.

On his return, Greg took Mary out to dinner, but they both knew that their relationship was dead. At best, they would remain friends, but nothing else.

Without Susan or Mary, Greg was a lonely man. He put a brave face on it for the outside world, but there were too many nights of sitting alone at home, thinking about an empty and pointless future. His only hope was planning new trips, maybe he could entice Jude to come on another trip soon. Greg would be happy to pay, but Jude was a new boy in his job, and he didn't have a lot of holiday allowance.

It was a couple of months later that Jude came to stay for a weekend, and on the Saturday night Greg took Jude out for a good steak at the local pub. But however persuasive Greg had been, Jude had turned down the opportunity to spend a week in Iceland driving a route across frozen lakes with his Dad. They returned to Greg's apartment for a nightcap, which was followed by a second nightcap, and a third....

As Greg poured the fourth brandies, he asked "How's your mother?"

"Still going downhill. She looks awful and is definitely drinking too much. But I get fed up with lecturing her. She really needs you Dad. Are you sure that there is no way back? You've got no one, and she really did love you, you know that, and I think she still does..."

"So what happened to her fighting for me?"

"She was meant to. It was one of my lectures. If she loved you and wanted you, then why didn't she go out and fight for you? But she's just too busy being sorry for herself..."

Greg handed Jude his brandy and sat down. Jude stood up at the same time, "I must go to bed." And he took a gulp of brandy, and turned towards the door.

Greg ignored the fact that Jude was heading to bed, "At the time, I really did wonder if I should forgive her that stupid affair. But then she told me that she thought that I'd been an adulterer, having I don't know how many affairs, for the whole of our married life. I found that insulting, very insulting, it seemed to make our whole marriage a sham. But it also showed that she had no self-respect if she thought she was putting up with that for years. How could I love and respect someone who doesn't respect themselves?"

Jude took another sip of brandy as he turned to look at his father, "How's your self-respect, Dad, now that you've achieved your lonely life?"

"Oh, I'm OK. At least I can look myself in the eye in the shaving mirror every morning..."

Jude waved backwards at his father, and walked out towards his bed. He didn't hear Greg continue in a soft voice, "... but you're right. My life fucking stinks! I've done everything right, I've kept my self-respect, I've acted honourably.......and I've ended up as a lonely sad old man with no one to love or to love me..." Greg sat nursing his brandy and watching his tears drip into the glass.

END