All Comments on 'Jasper'

<p>Wow, being a "virgin" here I hoped to give you at least a 50% but your friend 'Rubella' just blew that away.</p>

<p>'Rueblla'? As in The Measels? The German Pox??</p>

<p>What about your other charges: Typhus, and Chlamydia?</p>

<p>OK for starters, get an editor. He/She will help your grammer alot and if you are lucky help you plot things out.</p>

<p>This is very disjointed, almost like you wrote a bit here and there between classes. You verse is also akward, to the point that I'd think English isn't your native tongue.</p>

<p>Your narrative is confusing to say the least.</p>

<p>Aside from the fact that there's no hook to make the potential reader actually read, you throw us straight into your diatribe and it is frankly quite boring.</p>

<p>Who are you and why sould we care? You don't bother to give that at all. In fact, you don't bother describing anything of importance. You just start.</p>

<p>Moving on, your ideas don't really make any sense.</p>

<p>For starters, I can't believe you didn't lose weight stuck on a deserted isle for two weeks. Jsper is one hell of a survivalist to keep your caloric intake that high.</p>

<p>Or the fact it took them two weeks to find you, and they weren't really looking when they did. What part of the world you have to be to have that happen? I'm also guessing they won't have internet eiher.</p>

<p>Maybe you college kids are so obscenely rich that you can all afford to vacation in Polynesia or some other untouched part of the world on a regular basis. You never bother giving us that background.</p>

<p>Oh well, keep trying. </p>

As the previous reader posted, this story seemed disjointed. When Adina and Jasper were stranded on the island, he had shaken her. Apparently she suffered from motion sickness and Jasper shaking her aggravated that. Yet she was on a boat where a huge wave washed them away. And prior to the wave, she appeared to be fine. I'm not saying that people with motion sickness can't get on a boat. But there was no indication in the beginning that she had taken medication or something to avoid a motion sickness attack whilest on the outing.

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Another situation was when she "forgot" she knew Taekwondo. Usually, if a person knows martial arts, when they are being attacked, instinct kicks in. Even if the attacker is bigger or stronger, a person trained in such arts doesn't just "forget". She hardly fought at all. I understand she was suffering from motion sickness at the time so she was in a weakend state and couldn't "kick his ass" as you put it. But what about all the other times she was being man-handled?

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Then later she went from a "stinking hippo" to some sort of knock-out ... from a goth girl to wearing pinks. And Jasper went from this popular guy to wearing kohl under his eyes.</p>

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And her argument with Stephan, what the heck really was that all about? I mean, she didn't tell him what happened on the island and then later she yelled at his friend in public. So just like that, their friendship was over. I could understand if Stephan was in love with her or something but *shrug* what really happened?

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Her name is Adina, her name is Tatsumi ... she was a Japanese girl schooling in the States. So that entire experience (befriending and losing Stephan, getting raped by Jasper, "The Leech") was all for her to realize that the true love of her life was back in Japan? The true love of her life who was perhaps only mentioned in a few sentences of the entire story?

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Please practice some more. It could help if you get an editor. Maybe your next story will be better. </p>

I could be wrong, but I don't believe anyone would put so much effort into writing something so weird. I think it was written in the author's native language and then computer translated into English words, but not quite into the English language. A lot of it almost makes sense, but just as much, makes no sense at all. Examples follow:

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Attempting to be unaware of the shape of my beefy legs exposed to naked eyes, I approached a clean big rock and lay my wet coat and jeans on it.

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"Where are we?"

"AH!" I shouted. I turned my back, glowered at Jasper, and stalked away. Oh, I so hated it when someone shocked me like this.

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Jasper was hacking a tree with his Swiss Army. From what I could see, he wasn't doing anything different at all. I approached a tree of my own choice, one with thinner branch, and searched for its weakness. Then, with a wave, I hacked it off. The moment it hit the ground, a grin flashed and I looked up at Jasper.

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These examples are all from thee first chapter, even if you go back and read them in context they still don't make any more sense.

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My Literotica USER ID is srgeek. If you KNOW I'm right or wrong, look me up in the member list, click on my user id and send me an email.

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<I>-- srgeek --</I>