Judge Not 01

Shelby paused, as if trying to figure out exactly what to say next. "But I was in public school, with lots of nonbelievers. Some of my teachers were Jewish, some were atheists. Few of them were Christians, and of those that were, few were truly believers. And my schoolmates were the same. I was, when I was little, teased for being what I was. So, I decided to hide it, pretend not to care."

She paused again before continuing. "And when you pretend as long as I did, and when you are exposed to doubts and doubters, anyone with half a brain is going to question, and I did. My parents tried, but peer pressure is powerful. They worked during the day, and I wasn't supervised. I started to drink, use some drugs—nothing serious, just some pot—"

Nathan's eyes widened, "Really?"

"Yeah. Everyone was doing it. Which is no excuse, but yeah. So, anyway, I discovered boys. And I realized I liked them. I began to do things—"

"What—" Nathan interjected, but Shelby put her finger to his lips to quiet him, and he stopped.

"It really isn't any of your business," she said sternly, but then her expression softened. "But more than we have done. Not much more, but more. And I thought that I was ready to, you know, go all the way. Everything felt so good, and my boyfriend was encouraging me, and I didn't understand why not. So, one day after school, we were at my apartment, and we were naked and in my room, and we were a little high, and things were moving toward, you know, when my mother burst into the room. She had a headache and left work early, and she walked in on us."

"Oh God," Nathan blasphemed, losing his control, as he understood Shelby's embarrassment, but also being more than a little aroused by the thought of Shelby's nakedness.

She chuckled. "It is funny now, the look on her face, seeing me naked, seeing David naked with a condom on, and seeing the joints we had smoked, but at the time, I was horrified." She shook her head. "As you can imagine, there was a great deal of praying after that, and talks, with my parents and with our minister. And I realized that I was headed down a dangerous track. But I also realized that what we had done felt good, and I wondered why the church was so adamant that I shouldn't do it, and even more."

Nathan's cock was hard, and it embarrassed him. He shifted his weight to try to cover his state, and Shelby saw it and smiled at him, which didn't help the situation. She looked at her phone and turned to Nathan, saying, "Time for our meeting."

Just thinking about having to discuss sex with Pastor Cullum deflated Nathan almost immediately and he stood up and walked with Shelby toward the church offices, in a white building separate from, but attached to the school. As they walked, Nathan wondered whether this was where all the good will he had built up over the years at the church and school over the years would be gone, and that he would be considered dangerous, the way people talked about Shelby behind her back. Who, he was still surprised to know, had used drugs and been naked with a boy. And who had actually been taught by Jews and atheists. But he looked at her as he walked next to her and he couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Nathan had been coming to that building his whole life, and could smell its mustiness in his mind even before he and Shelby opened the door and entered the waiting area.

"Nice to see you again, Nathan, Shelby," said the white haired woman sitting behind the desk. Nathan remembered when Mrs. Proctor had blonde hair, before her husband, Deacon Proctor, had passed away, and had a typewriter, rather than a computer on her desk. The pace of change at Harmony was slow, but it did happen. Nathan wasn't sure whether it was going to change fast enough for Shelby, but as always, he was impressed and aroused by her willingness to push against the limits that had been set for them.

"Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Proctor," Nathan replied, smiling, and Shelby made some sort of agreeable noise that passed for a response. "We have an appointment with Pastor Cullum," Nathan stated, trying to sound as if he stopped by every day with his girlfriend for a chat with a clergyman.

"Yes, I see that on the calendar," Mrs. Proctor responded. "I'm always happy to see our best young people meeting with the pastors. Everything is alright?" she asked, displaying the concern that came from having watched Nathan grow up. And, Nathan thought, maybe she assumed that Shelby, a known "troublemaker" had somehow caused him problems.

"Everything is fine, Mrs. Proctor," Nathan replied a little unsteadily, "we just have some things to discuss with him." The church secretary smiled and Nathan felt that she had some inkling of what was going on.

"Go on in, kids," she said, "he's expecting you."

They walked down the hall past other rooms and offices until they came to Pastor Cullum's, a relatively small room next to the much larger and more fearsome office that Pastor Stephens used. Nathan had gone years between visits to that place, but he knew that Shelby had been summoned there at least 5 times in the short time that she had lived in town.

Shelby knocked on the door, and they heard Pastor Cullum say, "Come in." She pushed open the door, and they could see his worn desk covered with papers, and two mismatched wood guest chairs. Nathan had never been to this office, which was, he believed, a storage closet before Pastor Cullum had joined their church. He was not surprised to see a large metal cross on the wall, but he was surprised to see a red electric guitar and amp, an acoustic guitar and a poster on the wall for a band that while not expressly forbidden to church members was certainly not a Christian band.

"Do you like them?" Pastor Cullum asked.

Nathan wondered if it was a trick, but figured that was unlikely. But he decided to hedge his bets with the new minister. "I've heard them, they're pretty good," he said.

"I'm a big fan," Pastor Cullum said, motioning to them to sit down, and they followed.

"So, what did I do to get a couple of our school's leading seniors to visit me on this beautiful day?" he asked, smiling. He was pretty young for a preacher, Nathan thought, and seemed friendly.

Nathan looked at Shelby, and he saw that look in her blue eyes, and realized that things were about to get interesting.

Shelby looked at him, then turned to face Pastor Cullum. "Um, Pastor Cullum," she began unsteadily. Nathan was surprised that she seemed to be flustered a little. "Um," she continued, "Nathan and I have been dating for a while now-"

"About 9 months," Nathan interjected. Hearing that number, Pastor Cullum's head whipped to face him, then to Shelby's trim midsection.

Shelby noticed his look, and said, "No, no, no, it isn't that, no." The minister's face relaxed. "But," Shelby continued, "I guess you are on sort of the right track." Pastor Cullum leaned forward, his chin on the top of a pyramid formed by his pale hands, listening. "What I want to ask you, is, I guess, what is wrong with sex?"

Nathan almost fell off his chair at the directness of the question. The young minister tried to maintain his composure. He had, in his relatively short career, dealt with questions about love and sex, but never from someone so young, and so directly. Not to mention so attractive.

Pastor Cullum took a deep breath, leaned back in his chair and started, "Nothing is wrong with sex, Shelby. I'm not going to quote Scripture to you—I know you have been hearing it forever and are smart young adults, so I'm going to speak to you that way. The truth is just that there is a time and a place for everything, and we believe that the time and place for sex is in a loving marriage."

Shelby thought for a few seconds. "So, Pastor Cullum," she ventured a bit unsteadily, "if the marriage isn't loving, then they shouldn't have sex?"

The young minister smiled. As he expected, based on her reputation, this one wasn't going to swallow the party line so easily. "Of course, that would be an issue for the couple to work out themselves," he replied.

Nathan saw that Shelby's face flashed a look of disapproval at that response, or what Nathan realized was a non-response. He waited for her to speak.

"But what if a couple is in love, really in love, but aren't married for some reason?"

"Then we believe it isn't appropriate. We believe that Scripture requires that a couple be married and show each other the appropriate respect for their bodies, and that sex outside of marriage does not show that sort of respect."

Shelby weighed that comment before responding, "But sex, which was created by God, feels good, doesn't it?"

Nathan was again shocked that Shelby was willing to be so frank with a member of the clergy. It excited him, and scared him at the same time.

Pastor Cullum replied, "Yes, it may feel good, but that is no excuse. Just because something feels good, doesn't mean that we should do it without thinking of the consequences."

Nathan noticed Shelby smile. He expected her to simply ask "why not?" but instead, she said, "I realize that maybe this was a mistake," she said, but not apologetically. She continued, "I mean, how can you give us advice about sex when you haven't had sex? You haven't, right?"

Nathan's mouth opened in shock. His girlfriend just asked Pastor Cullum if he had ever had sex. Then, he looked at the minister, and saw that his face was turning red. Nathan waited for the expected denial, but instead, Pastor Cullum played with a pen that was on his desk.

"That is really none of your business, Shelby," he finally responded in a voice that was no longer friendly.

"So you have? And you aren't married, right?" Shelby shot back, with a look of triumph on her beautiful face.

"I think this meeting is over," he finally whispered. "I will be discussing this with Pastor Stephens. You will not discuss this with anyone, understand?" he said, increasingly sternly, but his attempt to intimidate Nathan and Shelby seemed forced.

Shelby stood and looked at the minister, smiling, "Thank you Pastor Cullum for helping to clear things up for me." She looked at Nathan, "C'mon Nathan, let's leave Pastor Cullum alone."

Nathan stood, looked at Pastor Cullum and realized he had nothing that he could say. He turned and followed Shelby out into the hallway.

Shelby was bouncing with delight, while Nathan was horrified. They hurried down the hall, out the door, waving goodbye to Mrs. Proctor and out into the sunshine.

"Let's go," Shelby said with glee and started running toward the school parking lot. Although he could have easily caught her, Nathan was satisfied to run behind her, and watch her long legs and cute butt. When they got to the lot, Shelby panted, "Get in my car." Nathan opened the passenger door and climbed in.

"Where are we going?" Nathan asked.

"Did you understand what Pastor Cullum just basically admitted?" she asked, her eyes flashing with excitement. Nathan couldn't help but notice that Shelby's nipples were poking through her shirt, and he felt himself getting hard.

"I'm not an idiot," Nathan responded, shifting in the seat to accommodate his growing erection.

"Then what?" Shelby pressed, as she drove.

Nathan shook his head. "I'm pretty sure that you got him to admit that he has had premarital sex."

Shelby laughed. "Fucking right."

Nathan's head spun to his left. He had never heard a woman in their community curse before, and again realized how far in above his head he was with Shelby. And yet, he was in what he certainly believed was love. And there was that breast, etched into his memory.

"Do you understand what that means?" Shelby asked, as the car pulled into the parking lot of the town park.

"I think so, but what are you getting at?" Nathan asked with some annoyance in his voice.

They got out of the car and Shelby started walking into the park, past the playground filled at that hour with little kids and their mothers, who sat on benches chatting. Nathan recognized some of the mothers from church, and they waved at him as he and Shelby walked further into the park. Finally, when they were away from the mothers, Shelby said, "Pastor Cullum has had sex, and not only isn't he dead, but he is a minister. A minister who does one thing and says another—"

Nathan interrupted, "we don't know the story. Maybe he was like you—"

Shelby's head snapped to face Nathan, and she did not look happy. Nathan continued—"I mean, maybe, he wasn't a Christian his whole life. Maybe he had sex when he was younger, and saw the error of his ways—"

Shelby stopped walking and grabbed Nathan's hand. "The error of his ways?" she mimicked. "Do you hear yourself spouting the doctrine that you've been fed your whole life?" She pressed his hand to her chest. "Does this feel like an error to you?" Leaning forward, she kissed Nathan on the lips, then pulled back. "Does that?"

Nathan's head was spinning. He realized that Shelby was right—he was simply parroting what he grew up hearing. He wanted to kiss her again, and do more, but was stuck between the two worlds, the world he knew and was comfortable in, and the world that was exciting and dangerous. Both felt good, and Nathan was aware that he was reaching a point where he had to decide which world he wanted to live in.

He sat down on the grass and looked around. Shelby had led them to a fairly secluded area of the park. The odds on anyone seeing them there were slim, and he wondered whether it was just luck, or whether Shelby had scouted the location. Nathan understood what Shelby was doing. She had exposed one of their church's ministers as a likely hypocrite. But that did not necessarily mean that what he said wasn't true. Maybe sex was something that was really supposed to be for married people. But why, then, did he want it so badly?

Turning to Shelby, Nathan asked, "Why?"

"Why what?" she replied.

"Why are you doing all of this?"

"To show you, and to confirm to me, that all of this bull that they have been selling us about sex it just that."

Nathan paused, recognizing that he was about to risk everything with Shelby. "Shelby, you are beautiful, smart, amazing. I'm sure that if you wanted to have sex, you could find someone to oblige you without all of my hesitation."

"Nathan, you're an idiot," Shelby responded, but without anger. Nathan waited for her to storm off, and he started to figure out how he was going to get back to his car. But she didn't leave. She took his hand and said, "I'm doing this because if I'm going to have sex, I want to have it with you."

That warm feeling began to spread from Nathan's chest again, this time making it quickly to his groin. Shelby continued. "One thing I do agree with Pastor Cullum about, and that is that sex should be between people who love each other, and I love you. I was close once, like I told you, but that wasn't love, that was just lust and drugs and what I thought I wanted. You've been the best friend I've ever had. You are nice, smart, funny, loyal and frankly, I appreciate your morals and the fact that you are struggling about this. And I trust you and respect you, and I know you respect me. I suspect that you are right, that most guys would simply take me up on my offer without a second thought. But you are different. So, if I'm going to lose my 'precious virginity' to anyone, I don't want it to be some random guy. I want it to be you." She leaned over and kissed Nathan, and they kissed passionately for a few minutes, and their hands strayed, but still above the clothing and above the waist.

Nathan pulled away. "Wow," he said, smiling. "You know I feel the same way that you do, but, I don't know, maybe it's because I've only known this church and its ways my whole life, I still don't know. I understand what happened today, I really do, and your willingness to speak to him that way was one of the hottest things that I have ever seen, other than that cell phone picture that you sent me—"

"Which you erased—"

"Which I erased," he said, reaching into his pocket and tossing Shelby his phone. Without turning it on, she tossed it back.

"I said, I trusted you," she said, softly.

Nathan stood up and offered his hand to Shelby. She took his hand and stood up. Hand in hand, they started to walk back to the parking lot. "I need to think," he said.

"I know," Shelby responded. "But I'm ready, and I'll wait for you to let me know if and when you are ready." They kissed quickly, and before they got in sight of the playground, they disengaged their hands and walked to Shelby's car. When they got into the car, they held hands and listened to the radio, alone with their thoughts until they got back to school.

Nathan got out of the car and said goodbye before getting into his own car and driving home. He pulled into the driveway and noticed that his father's car was there, earlier than usual. He turned off the engine, walked to the front of the house and walked in.

His parents were waiting for him, and they looked furious.

"Nathan, what has that girl gotten you into?" Marcia asked.

"What do you mean, mother?" Nathan responded.

"Don't play dumb with us," James replied. "We spoke with Pastor Cullum this afternoon. And we know that you went to the park with that girl to do who knows what"

Nathan was furious. He thought that what they discussed with Pastor Cullum was private. Not to mention the nosy mothers in the park. And, if anything, Nathan thought, it was Pastor Cullum who had something to be embarrassed about, not him. "What did he tell you?"

"That you came in with that girl and asked about sex."

"That's true. Aren't we supposed to discuss questions of morality with our ministers?"

Nathan's parents looked at each other. His father responded, "Of course, but he told us that girl was rude and wanton."

Before Nathan could defend his girlfriend, his mother interjected, "He said that she was asking for permission to have sex, presumably with you."

Nathan shook his head in protest. "That is just not true. Shelby, and that is her name, you know, had questions about why the church is so hung up on sex, and wanted to understand why. She never asked for permission or anything like that. Did he tell you anything else about the conversation?"

"Don't you think that is enough?" James replied.

Nathan knew that it was going to be their word against Pastor Cullum's, but he was angry that the minister had betrayed what Nathan thought was a confidential conversation. "Did he tell you that Shelby asked him whether he had ever had sex?"

Shelby's mother looked horrified, "That girl asked a minister that question? You cannot see her anymore."

Nathan ignored the prohibition for the time being and said, "And did Cullum tell you that he didn't deny it?"

"So what?" James responded. "He doesn't have to answer questions like that from kids like you and that girl."

"Her name is Shelby, we are not kids, and you can't stop me from seeing her." As Nathan stormed away, and headed toward his room, he could hear his father yelling, "As long as you live under my roof........"

Nathan slammed the door, causing some of the books and trophies in his room to shake, and threw himself on the bed. What the heck was going on, he thought to himself. Before yesterday, he was a respected member of the senior class and of the church. He had a beautiful girlfriend, and although they were making out, they were pretty much behaving within the rules. Then, yesterday, there was the breast. And the picture of the breast. And today, his girlfriend asked direct questions about sex to a minister and basically got him to admit that he had premarital sex. And his girlfriend offered herself to him, and he hesitated. Then his parents yelled at him, took Cullum's side against him and Shelby and don't want him to see her anymore.