All Comments on 'Karma Served Cold'

That was a long confusing read. I'm pretty sure I liked it, but I'll read it again to be certain. You won't have to worry about the anon trolls though. None of them have the attention span to get through ten pages.

PLZ MAKE A SECOND PART!

You had a decent start, but introduced too many characters too quickly. The back story served no real purpose and cost you readers. Once it became apparent that the good guy was going to be banging every woman in the family, the neighborhood, and the state, I had to bail. You used a lot of words incorrectly, like "Flip" the bill getting back from Hawaii. You are bound to make a few errors when you add an extra seven pages to your story. Keep posting, but listen to a good editor to eliminate the mistakes and to tighten your story.

All over the place. Too neat a story for him to have sister and gloria in love with him.

Just couldn’t generate any for a story about screwed up billionaires. Spent most of the story wishing a couple characters died

A bit rambling and so on early, but i persevered and enjoyed ut. Thanks for writing.

I enjoyed it, but for a story this long that covered such a lengthy time period, it deserved a much better epilogue. You threw in the niece at the end, but as we never even met Mike's sister, I couldn't really care less about her daughter (didn't the niece have a name?). As it was, you ended the story just when the epilogue should have started, leaving it strangely anti-climactic.

You teased Mike and Gloria's relationship through 10 pages and they never even had sex! Did you get bored and just want to end it?

What about Mike and Gloria's first time together? What about him sleeping with Nancy for the first time? Their first threesome? Did he get both women pregnant at the same time like the twins in the courthouse? How many kids did they eventually have? How did Beth and Maurine react when they found out that Mike, Gloria, and Nancy were in a polyamorous relationship? How did Diane react when she saw her younger sister and friend having lots of Mike's kids?

You also went into a lot of unnecessary detail about the charity earlier in the story. It was interesting to find out that Mike and Gloria started an emotional affair back then, but all the rest about the random people working for the charity felt a bit like filler. Instead of getting sidetracked by that, it would have been better to stay more tightly focused on the main story.

I don't care how good the story is, and from the comments it's not great, but for a first story in the category, maybe a shorter one for us to get to know you.

I don't know if this will continue, but 10 pages is too much of a commitment on an unknown, especially looking at your Sci-Fi story. Seven long chapters, starting 9/28/17. the last 6/29/18, and apparently not done yet!

But your protagonist was too perfect, which makes him unrelatable to the average reader. Certain events were dropped around at various portions of the story that completely invalidated your previous character building.

The father becoming an evil Mastermind came out of left field and he was terrible at it. Dave was supposed to be a good friend of the protagonist, but he was a known wife beater and your protagonist (as described) would never consider a man like that a friend. The mom was the secret founder of the company but she allowed the father to fix her daughter's trust fund. Dad was a supposed good accountant and had founded multiple businesses, but he somehow had been trying to manipulate a security fraud for years. Then he was supposed to be dumb enough to not realize that his knowledge of the impending divorce would instantly make any stock moves insider trading, I mean that is about as blatant as you can get. Gloria is the protagonist's soulmate, but INSTANTLY loses faith in him even after being warned. Mike just as quickly forgives her, while still recovering from his wife's betrayal and later the distrust of her entire family. I could go on, but you get the point.

Another thing I would like to bring up is, despite the fact that it is a fucking trope lately (even from some of the most popular authors here), it's incredibly rare that a guy just slam dunks a poly marriage. One of the least likely things a woman is going to be willing to share is a spouse; hell, try to get them to share their favorite clothes and watch a fight break out. Obviously it does happen, but the significant bulk of those are from insular groups that have been ingrained with the concept throughout adolescence.

This could have been epic if it had been trimmed to about half the length and some of the inconsistencies tidied up. As it stands I can't rate it higher than 3 stars, one of which is simply because it WAS so long and that is hard to pull off even if one is rambling.

Like reading a Jack Reacher story. Fabricated and totally unbelievable.

Hindus believe karma is the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences. Or as most of us think of karma, it is destiny or fate, following as effect from cause. An editor would not only crop the story down drastically, but would also help you break your comma addiction. Even your lead-in contains an unneeded comma. "Betrayed man, helps Karma decide the fate of his wife". A good editor would really make a difference in your work.

Our hero was a rare triple major: math, computer engineering, and computer science, but he went on to make billions as an instant business and management genius, and everyone (apart from his wife) loved him.

He convinced his professor to give him half of the new company on the promise of a competence he neither had, earned, nor demonstrated.

His flaw was that he was too good, but he was also colder and more ruthless than the baddest villain out there. The villain's nefarious plan? To sell the company he owned and to take the proceeds and live a fantasy life. Oh, wicked. What tripped up the villain's plan? The stock price kept going up! (Wait, so he could sell off chunks for larger and larger gains as time went on, and not change the plan at all....oh, well.)

Thanks for demonstrating that not all silly, unbelievable Mary Sue characters are female.

...and thought I'd stop and make a comment. While I'm generally enjoying it, I'm also ticking off the cliches about the protagonist. Tall and handsome? Check. Martial arts expert? Check. Genius? Check. Computer/programming expert? Check. Making lots of money? Check. Writes own prenup to take worry away from father in law? Check. Learns to run a huge business on the side in just a few months? Check. Cheated on but falls immediately into his next relationship, that same night? Check. With the more beautiful sister? Check. No wait, two more beautiful sisters? Check. I can only assume he also rescues homeless animals, volunteers at the homeless shelter, and mentors troubled urban youth in his spare time.

He has absolutely no faults whatsoever. It makes it a little difficult for the suspension of disbelief. I'm focusing more on the events of the story rather than his accomplishments, but you're not making it easy.

...too rambling. Flashbacks are all very well but you kept cutting the drama out of the story.

You have a horrible case of 'me'. 'Me and Gloria' etc, again and again and again.

Do you say "Me went...'? Of course not, the word is 'I' and if there are several names it usually comes last.

If you had a good editor and tightened up the stories I'd like to read more of them.

the best on can hope for is to tolerate its actions, TK U MLJ LV NV

First, ditto HDK's comment. In addition, in terms of plot, wife was written well - it Is all everybody else's fault. Erotic to end up with two lovely ladies who happen to be bisexual lovers.

This is my first attempt at writing a Loving Wives story. I was experimenting with some writing styles so maybe it did seem kind of rambling, so I agree with most of the criticisms. I wished I had more time to make this story better and I did try to get some proof readers but no one was interested in proofing such a long story. Like I said in the intro I have 5 other stories I'm working on and this was one I felt I could finish off good or bad.

As to the guy that said Mike gets all the women in his family and didn't bother reading more, I get it, but if you'd have read more he actually doesn't and no where in the story does he have sex with anyone other than his wife. That being said, Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent, yeah he was written with a comic bookish character feel about him. He was extremely ideal with a few character flaws... but it is a fantasy, fictional story so what do you expect?

The main aspect of the story was, this man was an ideal man in every way, good looking, smart and successful, and he married a woman for love that was still so insecure and flawed that she cheated on him.

The whole thing with Mike's niece at the end, and the fact that he didn't have sex with Gloria, if you read the story you'd know that even though the characters feel one way at one point, they often change their minds over time just like in real life. Although he does ride off into the sunset, and both he and Gloria are happy, you can see that there are cracks there. I wanted to leave a little wiggle room for a sequel so some ideas where left in limbo just for that reason. However, I did give it an ending for those of you that want to stop here. Besides, I have a ton of other stories to finish first so it definitely won't be anytime soon.

Someone sent some feedback on guns details, I'll try to integrate those into the story but I'm NOT a gun expert. I did a little research and I have actually went to some gun ranges and fired a few but I don't own a gun and I don't have a deep fascination for them so any extra details about that kind of thing will have to come from you that do, so please provide feedback and I'll try to improve this story.

Thanks

MaximusTheMad

I agree with HDK.

This is a story with a lot of potential that needs to be severely edited and while you’re at it make Mike a more believable character.

So, kudos for a Herculean effort as your first LW story. I agree with the comments. Just too long, too rambling, perfect hero, perfectly flawed wife, unbelievable circumstances, too clean destruction and revenge... hero gets all the women to love him (even without sex) and emasculated all the men..

All of that bad stuff was mixed in with a lot of great stuff, too. Unfortunately, the bad outweighed the good for me.

I would also point out that you incorrectly used the word "mute", but doing so would be moot

KB

I balked at the length, but then, when I got into it the story sort of flowed. I liked the flashbacks, it explained what was going on. Being British I didn't understand some of the legal processes, but that is not your fault. I thought it was a good story, with a happy ending (I like those).

A great story. A few errors and wrong names, but very enjoyable.

I know the modern corruption of spoken English uses expressions like 'Me and Jim went for a drink' instead of the normal 'Jim and I went etc'. Seeing this abomination in writing lost what little attention I had for this rambling tale. Mr Perfection was always going to triumph over the nasty people and ride off into the sunset with his trophies.

I actually enjoyed the length and detail of the story. One of the best stories I’ve read in a while. 5*

The flashbacks could have been reduced in length, but it was a damn good read, in general.

I correct myself. Your first Loving Wives story.

LONG, FUCKING CONFUSING AND BORRRRIIIINNNGGGGG‼️🙆🏻..... It had potential but it just dragged on and on and it kinda felt--ehhh, nothing I'd read agin nor recommend. It just felt lukewarm and flat. I expected more--especially after finding out his wife has been banging her in law / his best friend for what seemed like years. I expected more emotions. It was just blah. 10 pages?! Geesh, this shit could've been wrapped up in 5/6pages without the story dragging on and on and on and on.. Didn't really hear too much about the whore wife. I really didn't like he went back to Gloria or whatever her name was, After her lack of faith in him. The story just didn't keep my attention. I read it cause I was bored. Still ended up being bored though. It was still better than the shitty stories that has been posting for a few years now. All the awesome writers seemed to have vanished and we're stuck with cuck stories, wife sharing stories--pile of dog shit stories. Yours might've been boring, but it didn't make me gag/vomit, so that's great.

You decided to jump 4.

It isn't a bad story but

1). Why would Mike be close to Criminal Dad? This did not pass the sniff test.

2). Why would Mike be vacationing with Wife Beater Dave? This did not pass the sniff test.

3). Mike is a scumbag messing with his SIL WAY before his actions were excusable. This did not pass the sniff test.

4). A guy who can become a master jeweler, an uncredentialed MBA, a genius programmer, an MMA expert, AND a master HR leader with an eidetic memory owes it to the world to take a weekend off and cure cancer, solve the Mideast Peace Process, save Venezuelas economy and discover Cold Fusion.

Okay, it MIGHT take him a week.

Oh...and he has a big cock too.

Do you think this is a relatable character despite the 'orphan poor guy' paint job?

Back off on the 'archetype' throttle and give them more flaws than zero.

But you REALLY need an editor. Starting with your James Bond type hero that was going to school at Stanfurd (I went to Cal - they don't call it "the Farm" for nothing) and suddenly was going to an Ivy league school the mistakes just rolled off the page. You brought in too many people in a rush and then proceeded to jump around in time. I think a good editor would have helped a lot. I didn't particularly like your foray into "poly" but that's just a personal preference. And your wrap up at the end felt rushed. Like I said, good first attempt. Just a little helter-skelter. Thanks for the effort.

Cut down on ramblings and follow the plot line. Too much cliche as well so the excitement of reading something original is not strong enough to avoid skimming .

He suddenly had 2 women begging to be his "co-wives." This kind of unbelievable nonsense really dragged down the score.

Let me see if I have this right...the future ex wife turns down his marriage proposal. even though SHE is the one that was talking marriage

She Refuses to explain WHY ..and doesn't understand why the husband-to-be is upset over the rejection

And even worse and doesn't even understand why he might have reason to be upset over the lack of explanation!!!!

And when he goes to their Thanksgiving dinner he finds out that nobody In the wife's family knew they were even dating.

And he marries his cunt?

Frankly men that are this ol fucking stupid deserve to be screwed and hurt...that way they can kill themselves and take the stupid out of the gene pool

Yeah, it was long, but you had a good story line, and credible characters. I do think the father went through some dramatic character shifts, from suspicious and over protective, to the “Dad” he never knew, to the #1 man on the SEC’s most wanted list. But I still.liked it, and will happily read your second offering as soon as it is posted.

Good story, needs a polish though. I enjoyed what was presented, 4*.

too much going back just dragging it out but good story

1. If he is going to have a triad relationship with Gloria and Nancy, why get married to Gloria and make Nancy a lesser wife in the relationship? They can have a contractual agreement amongst themselves and make both "wives" equal in the relationship, without one superior to the other by having an official standing. The only reason to do that would have been if he planned on having children only with Gloria and none with Nancy, but that wasn't the case. They could have even had a triad, unofficial, wedding ceremony.

2. He initiates the actions against Ted right after starting the divorce, which means that he would have had to know about what Ted was doing all along. In fact, he says that he was the one that was involved in the finances of the company so he had to know what Ted was doing. So why was he covering for Ted all along? The only justification would be revenge against Ted for trying to screw him over and not out of altruism towards the family.

3. One minute Dave is super rich and grew up rich. After all he owned an estate in BelAir a few houses down from Ted and Maurine. Yet later it states that he was merely a manager of Ted's furniture store.

4. This one is a biggie. He accuses Diane of hiding things and trying to screw him out of the marriage assets, yet he kept Diane in the dark for years about the value of his software company. She was totally willing to give it up, because she had no clue what it was worth. He obviously never let her know. EVEN if she never asked, which I'm sure what the author would contend that Diane didn't take any interest in his stuff. But why would he not say hey my company is worth this much, after all Diane let him know everything about the valuation of her assets and let him control and direct it.

5. Why would Diane rescind the prenup? I know this was key to the story, but need to come up with a better reason than she wanted him to be a stay at home husband. Especially, since she was involved with Dave, was in love with him. Even if the opportunity never came up to divorce her husband and be with Dave in the future, he finding out about her infidelity might make him divorce her.

6. It says until the the software company sold they didn't know how much it's worth. Not true. A business has valuation based on revenue, profits and potential future growth. So even a privately held company has their own or outside accountants that do valuation. Even if you don't take that action every owner of a decent size company has an idea how much the business is worth. Now when it comes time to sell it the market may decide it's worth more or less and maybe a lot more or a lot less, but a business that is worth a couple of billion dollars is not a surprise how much it's worth. It makes it sound like in the story they did not know how much it was worth until it sold, and it sort of gives this as justification why Diane was in the dark about how much the company was worth.

7. If he was spending so much time advising Diane, doing r&d where he built technology that he patented for Diane's company, why didn't he have the time to work at his own software company, which had a lot more potential than a solar panel company. Plus this could have been given as the reason why he gave up working. It could be that Diane asked him to be her unofficial adviser and because he loved her he gave up his business to help her out. LW stories love to make the husband all loving saints, this could have been done and it would have made the rescinding of the prenup more logical.

7. If he and Gloria were soulmates and things with Diane hadn't been going well for a couple of years then why the fuck stay in the relationship? Even if Diane never cheated. He says they had nothing in common, while he and Gloria were best friends and spend every day together. You don't give up on a marriage because another person may be slightly better for you or is prettier or whatever. But there seemed to be a huge gulf between how compatible he and Diane were and how compatible he and Gloria were. I know these LW stories make the wife a horrible human being and the men saints, but this takes it to a whole new level.

8. He and Gloria were having a love affair way before his discovery of Diane's cheating. He spending every day with Gloria, being in love with her (and she with him) is actually worse to me than a short term purely sexual affair with no emotions involved, because that is much more treatening to a relationship than a sexual affair.

9. Police watching David because he had hooked Diane on drugs and to catch him they set up a sting where he initiated the same thing with an underaged girl. Umm, police are wayyyyyyyy too busy to keep track of anyone that introduces drugs to his wife. They don't even have the time to follow or keep track of most drug dealers. Most drug dealers they are not following or investigating too heavily, much less someone who introduced drugs to his wife.

10. This isn't really a weak point in the story (IMHO weak point of course), but more about the moral take on a great deal of these LW stories. Diane cheated on our protaganist, not Dave. She had made the promises towards her husband and not Dave. While in most cases I do not promote BTB, but why does the other man need to get worse than the wife? Is it for hurting the protaganist's ego? So why does the author have Dave go to prison, while Diane goes to therapy? Honestly, he should have gone to Diane and Dave thanked him for easing his way out of a marriage he wasn't happy in and allowing him to move on with Gloria and Nancy. If they Diane and Dave wanted to end up together (unlikely as Dave didn't seem to be that into Diane) then good on them. They don't they don't. Knowing what he knows about he being in love with Gloria and Nancy, and they with him, upon discovering Dave fucking Diane he should have smiled, gone in that room shook Dave's hand (which hopefully wasn't sticky), kissed Diane on the cheek, told them thank you, to not stop on his behalf, walk out, divorce, triad, good life.

I liked the story. It was interesting. Just needs some tightening up with some of the storyline to make it better.

Niiice happy ending.... most of the gold, the bodacious big boobs sister ... yeehaa

Too long and really cheesy...the way it ended was dumb....this guy is half female with his emotional sensitivity. You write very well, but this could have been so much better.

I think Harryin VA, described Mike's character flaws to a tee. I mean, he hated the story because of it, but at least he got it.

True I did build a character that seemed to have everything, and yet he wears his heart on his sleeve, he makes bad choices in women, and if you read the story you'd know that he was kind of a dick to women before he met Diane. Both Diane AND Gloria were bad choices. Gloria is a bisexual woman who admits shes polyamorous and yet he wants her to be faithful? Anyway, if I do write a second act to this I definitely will explore the problems that are inevitable with Gloria and Mike, but I have some more twisted stories to tell first so stay tuned.

I'm a kinky bugger! Dianne could have been a foursome.... add Mom and He's got a full house...I really enjoyed the story Thanks!...5 Stars★★★★★ WOOF !

I enjoyed reading your story, keep writing and don't pay attention to those bitter writers in this category. Thank you.

The flashbacks stop the flow of the tale. The old "hook em with the first paragraph then go back to the start" is a overused tool. Only the masters use it well. SS06 et al. If you must use it, try to make the attention catcher brief...one sentence... then make the rest of the timeline linear.

Hey .... good story though. 5* for the good plotline. Keep doing it!

Chapters 1 & 2 were horrible, seemed like you were throwing words in there to give you word-count 🚱. After that the story was pretty good 👍.

Give it 4. . . . .

The first 5 pages were 4 or 5 star quality. The last 5 pages were 1 or 2 star. The early part built on a solid (if somewhat overused) theme. It then became contrived, a rickety Rube Goldberg contraption. Please check your grammar for your next story, and I do hope you write more.

Sorry, but all the flashbacks detracted from the main story line. Too many. Too long. Too intrusive.The main part of the story was fine, but the jumping back to the past all the time was a flop. I just skimmed most of it to get to the meat of the story. Could have been a ***** story, but because of the jumping back and forth ***.

It was hard at first to get used to the flipping back and forth to the past, but once i kept reading i got used to it and actually enjoyed it. Great story.

You just walked through unicorns and starbursts and ended farting rainbows. Interesting story but could see the end a mile away. Too bad this is not an O Henry genera. I applaud your persistence with the writing length but the main character is now being put up for Sainthood. Nice you could share your fantasy. Oh well, maybe next time. In the mean time, keep trying.

The truth is that I see no reason why the tale could not have been told in a linear manner except perhaps the back tale on the Nancy and Gloria's deal to try tó

tie the knot with him.

And take moderate excursions from there. This is fiction, but too many suspensions of belief irritate the reader. I was with you through page 3.5, where I gave up. It was too illogical, I kept wondering why are they doing that? WTF, no way

We learn by doing

Chilleywilley

As the flashbacks molded nicely in the of story from present to past

You got good imagination, and can spin a yarn OK, please keep going.

... it was definitely long enough.

I enjoyed it. Sure, there was a bit of disbelief, it dragged on a bit long sometimes...but overall it was an entertaining tale and I'd definitely read it again. Thank you for sharing.

While I agree with some [but not all] of the former complaints, and had trouble with wrong names in places, only one thing stood out enough to make me complain, The Incredicoaster did not open until June 23, 2018. California Screamin' closed on January 8th, so the little byplay with the nieces could not have happened. As a longtime Passholder and Disney fan[atic] these things bother me. Otherwise, I liked the story.

I loved the story but the flashbacks killed it. There were to many and it got confusing. Maybe in a movie edition it would work better. The story was fantastic but the format turned me off. There were way too many flashbacks.

The main story was a 5, however, the multitude of unnecessary flashbacks just caused the story to drag on. Because of those flashbacks, I found myself losing interest and even contemplated not finishing the story. That is why in the end I gave the story a 3.

"Don't get me wrong, I was no player", he tells us. But before he wrote that, he had told Gloria that he had been a player.

Thank you for the story. Many of your commenters are people who can actually do some writing and are being helpful. Maybe one of your later stories will cause

anon to call you a cuck, but please write more.

But please make your next protagonist a real human being. Watching a perfect man come out smelling like a rose isn't that interesting. Also, I didn't care about the PI finding the niece. Watching a rich man fix his life using money alone isn't as good as him doing it through his own effort.

Particularly with regard to the Marty Stu issue.

Look, we, as readers, don't mind highly competent characters. Luke was a magic pilot. Han Solo could fly and shoot. Leia had incredible common sense.

But when you cram the 'he can do EVERYTHING' into one character in the wrong way, they are not aspirational and instead become obnoxious douchenozzles like 'Our Man Flint'.

Additionally, the quick changes to the core established facts (Dave was nice, Dad was a rich stand up guy) makes your readers distrust you. Foreshadowing is a 'thing'. All it required was a few lines: Mom speaking very intelligently about the company; 'Our Man Flint' refusing to invest in Dad's company or be on the board; Nancy NOT acting like a love besotted bimbo over the man who HIT HER. Little things.

I liked it. It went too far.

Flow! XD

The flow was less a flow and more a torrent of ideas that occasionally threatened to capsize the story at times. Other than that my only comment is my usual one which is,you really need to hang around more women for how they talk.

Grand story like ,but not your best honey.

loved it , whens the next chapter?

Keep it going.

Good story, although flashbacks and some funny use of incorrect words made things difficult. For one learn how to use lay and lie, it is common mistake but a nuisancs reading.

Overall good reading, good pace, good btb without blood and gore.

I had stacked a whole lot of things to mention here, but FD45 took the words right out of my mouth.

This piece had a lot going for it, the blurb was interesting.

Then in the very first paragraphs the author managed to mention all of the common flags that signal that a marriage is in danger, the close friend Dave, Diane not watching her fav show to be with Dave, the worry about Diane not wanting kids, pointing out that he "trusted that her lawyer handled" the pre-nup cancellation (yeah, I know! trust a lawyer!), the petty argument and Diane wasn't to be found... you get it, all of it served up front.

What I especially choked on was the way almost all the characters were established as fairly decent people (why else would Dave be invited to join their vacations?), then later the author shits on all of them, except maybe "Mom", "Beth" and "Nancy". FD45 mentions some of that in his post. If that's where things are headed then we must be given clues to help us see it coming. To have a character portrayed one way, then near the end we're simply told that he/she is something totally different is not good writing.

I gnashed my teeth with frustration many times after learning of people acting badly, thinking "That's not what you just told as a moment ago!"

We also have to endure another of those omnipotent, omniscient supermen that are all too common on Lit. Reading how the smug bastard tells the story of all his economic and technical exploits and of his cunning is sickening, all that's lacking is to hear that he was the commander of Seal team six when they killed Osama bin Ladin.

Not fair to author?

I enjoyed story could it be better yes gave it 4 stars

Some of the comments matched my concerns

He was all in one

Mom didn't hint Ted?

Etc

But it is story and I enjoyed

I enjoyed the story a great deal. It was mostly plausible, with lots of detail.

That said, it needed a thorough proofreading before publishing. Many times the sentence structure stumbled, with extra instances of words. In some cases, entire clauses were redundant. It looked like cut and paste was used often, but fragments weren’t cleaned up.

Sorry, for Gloria to bail on him the first time the going got tough is a disqualifier. I think the author has an issue feeling dependent on women who don't respect him, so marrying Delilah just seems natural to him. He should have said sorry, we have no basis for a relationship. (I understand it was a romance story plot device to drag the action out to the next scene, but the undependability and disrespect are intolerable.)

...of the protagonist being too perfect. He was handsome, well-hung, a genius, generous, knew everything about business, an MMA fighter/gym owner, etc. Not one negative trait in the whole 10 pages.

That’s hilarious coming from biguy. His men are usually total cuck pussies.

For the life of Me. I have never seen so many Big Name Authors (Literotica Authors) run another Author down!....Sheesh I enjoy reading everyone of your stories "Yes all stories that are Interesting to Me"...So please cut a bit of slack to this Guy!..

Thanks PD55. WOOF!....Ps. I saw on You Tube a story about dead chickens and coconuts near railway crossings...VOODOO. ..Question. Is there any Loving Wives Stories about using Voodoo?.....Penneydog55...

And make for bad storytelling. You crammed your main character so full of perfectly positive traits that they literally could not fit in one person. A genius, martial arts master holding down multiple jobs AND tutoring AND finding time for a serious relationship. Then as an adult he has a business with a partner and simultaneously a MMA gym AND essentially runs his father in law's business through his wife and even squeezes a couple of parents out of the deal. He manages through all of this to be the perfect husband and perfect extended family member to boot. And with all of this he fell madly in love with an incompetent and selfish 6 when the rest of her family were 10s blessed with humility. Are you sure he didn't fight crime and rescue kittens at night instead of sleeping?

And while it's clear you understand that a story should peel back like an onion, revealing more with each layer, deeper layers should not contradict previous ones. Yeah, I know I said this guy had basically been my best friend all these years in the last paragraph, but this paragraph I'm going to describe all the ways he's a total piece of shit BEFORE I have even caught him with my wife. Yes, I love this woman with all my heart, but she's a pear shaped idiot who I had to hand walk through physical fitness, college and her career. You actually diluted the depth of betrayal that this story could have had.

Please go back a write a second draft. There is no way this was even proofread.

Still as moving and as emotionally charged as it was on the first reading.

The protagonist was a real man and Dave? Dave wasn't a man at all.

Like so many stories, this one oversimplifies things and makes the antagonists morons. Intellectual property and divorce are never as simple as this story makes them seem. It's hard to believe "Dad" had such bad lawyers. And the fact that everyone in the family thought that his partnership and patents were worthless is too much. Really good stories leverage and work through the challenges of worthy adversaries.

Yes that was awesome but no matter how I read it ( 4 times ) you really didn’t need ten pages. If you cut the stuff out what was not needed ( was a bit confusing) it would probably have been 6 to 7 pages worth. You are a very talented writer and I know this was some early work of yours . But it was still fantastic and I know everything that you will write will get better and better . So keep that fantastic talent of yours writing and let’s see some more stories from you

The whole story seemed completely trite and then it was long.

I never finished because there were too many things fitting perfectly into place, which is neither how the world works or very interesting.

Five Stars!

I enjoyed the story, but there were too many times when the various players were suddenly out of character. Too many 180 degree flips in the middle of a situation. 4 stars.

Not a bad story.

But the plot, IMHO, went south when Gloria tells Mike she is Bi and is in love with Nancy and wants to share him with Nancy. She admits to emotional cheating and then wants to legitimise her cheating with Nancy literally with him. Have her cake and eat it two, the best of both worlds for her, no by your leave. They had it planned.

If that isn’t a gigantic red flag I do not know what is. He has just escaped a cheater and is entering another relationship with a woman who is emotionally attached to another woman.

Such a relationship based on sex is doomed to fail. How long before the Lesbians want each other exclusively and freeze him out.

It might take a while but it would happen.

I think Mike would give this future a big miss or be up front and tell Gloria it isn’t on.

THOUGH IT IS A LITTLE LONG IN THE TOOTH IT ALL COMES TOGETHER IN THE END. VERY GOOD. 5****

Gloria had no faith in him. He’d proven he was a good person, and told her that he wasn’t doing what it seemed like he was doing, but she didn’t trust him. That seems like something you’d need a lot more time to work through. I might be biased, jumping from one love to another like that had never seemed realistic, and when you add her freezing him out like that, it kills it for me.

I still don't know who you're mad at, but I read your story again and liked it more this time. It's still too long, but that keeps the LW riff raff away, so you got that going for you.

Even though the story is 10 pages or so the most of the writing and background was written well enough to keep t from “feeling” that long. I don’t think it was necessary that Gloria and Nancy were lovers or that they couple become a polyamorous threesome to restore his manhood, he pretty much did that living his life and being ready for fallout if or when it came. I was actually more disappointed with throwing the patriarch under the bus at the end. For me that was more nonsensical than the bisexual wives. It seems like you wanted to demonstrate your knowledge of business rather than contribute to the story’s natural course. This part of the plot is actually when the reading became long and tedious.

It was too long--as others have pointed out, it needed pruned. But then others have asked for a part 2 and the author jumps into the Comments and keeps explaining the story. Oh well, this IS an amateur site.

The story dragged for two pages, got interesting on 3, but I couldnt even finish page 5. He finds his wife cheating, begging her lover for a baby, pukes all over the carpet, and contemplates murder. However, that night he spends the night at her SMOKING HOT sister's house where she spoons him to sleep and they speak to each other with sexual innuendo's all morning. Seriously? The next morning? And on that very same morning they decide they will get married and, oh by the way Honey, she tells him she is bi-sexual. Woohoo!! Let me help you find that firing pin so you can put this story out of its misery. Total, absolute, nonsense ... -1 star

And MMA guy walks in on his wife and brother-in-law fucking and doesn't do squat.... [groan]. Probably only 99.999% of guys on the planet would EXPLODE on the spot, and the rest live in Literotica stories!

No reason for Gloria and Nancy to be bi-it doesn't help anyone's happiness in the end. No reason to give away the patents, which is most of his net worth, for $1. No reason to want Gloria by the end, when she was in love with another person, freezing him out and neither trusting him nor willing to even be civil with him in discussion. I'm happy to see Ted ruined after his deceit about the prenup, but the main character was awfully kind to some gray characters and could have done right by Maurine without signing over the bulk of his net worth to her.

5 stars, not bad despite some problems. Wasn't too sure about the 3 way marriage thing and Diane and Ted just seemed cartoonishly evil. Both seemed to love the MC at first despite some problems then went a full 180. Gloria not trusting him and blowing him off I think would have more then likely led to them splitting for good rather then a happy ending with how the MC said it would hurt him worse her betraying him, more then just sleeping around is a betrayal. Some minor complaints though, overall a pretty good story.

Sorry, stopped reading the storyline just got really stupid. He finds his wife having sex with an old boyfriend goes home with her older sister. Next day ne and the older sister confess that they love each other. They go back to her parents house and he tells the parents that he is going to marry the older sister as soon as he's divorce from the younger sister.

The older sister then confesses that she is bi-sexual and has had a relationship with the wife of the ex-boyfriend who was having sex with his wife. That's as far as I got other than picking up the hine that the ex-boyfriends desperately wants a baby and it looks like he's going to father it during a threesome.

Sadly, it's a well written story but what a stupid storyline.

Sorry, I never did like Superman stories on TV. He should have stayed in the comic books.

Ditto this story.

I loved the way this author wrote this story...from the start you wanted to know what was happening...and when it was finished... you were cheering for the good guy here...Mike the man....I would have liked to see the story about his nice...lol....

1 star - just too convoluted and too hard to follow all the sub-plots.

Way too many words to tell such a simple story. I kinda agree with the Superman comparison. This guy was just too good to be true and always the smartest person in the room. It got a bit boring after a while. Yeah, if this story had been told in 3 or 4 pages I could probably have given it a 5. But it wasn’t so I can’t.

Love the story. AAAAAA++++++

Superman, he is not. I don't care about the protagonist's convictions about fidelity. Apparently, such things do not matter if they apply to him. At least Superman is on the level. This "Mike" arbitrates his principles for only his benefit. Pass.

A little dry in some parts but not bad.

to recap in chronological order

01. Man married cheating whore

.

02. Man created million dollar idea

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03. Man leased idea to whores family at $1 a year, making no money off it while his wife's family made millions

.

04. Feeling bad for being a whore, the wife lies about and pretends to cancel pre nup, but doesn't really, so why even pretend?

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05. Man discovers whore is a whore

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06. Overnight whole asleep man falls irrevocably inn love with whore's sister

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07. Sister claims to be bi, offers to let man have a permanent three way with the only woman he has ever seen more beautiful than the woman he has been in love with for less than a day

.

08. Man is a dumbass who says no, because he doesn't want to hurt the feeling of - NOT the women offering and willing, but the women's parents

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09. Dumbass commit perjury to save lying FIL, because he is maneuvering to pull the million dollar idea, and is willing to give up millions to do so - never mind the fact that the original prenup terms that everyone seems to have forgotten would give him this anyway as well as half the money he just gave away

.

08a. And to spare his FILs feeling he is literally forcing the supposed love of his life to never enjoy sex with other women, even though he really really wants her to. He just cant let her for fear of him allowing it will offend the lying FIL looking to screw him over

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10. the woman who loves him and wants to marry him and planed to have her and her girlfriend live with him and off his money as neither of them work for a living is now upset that he isnt giving away all his earnings to her father?

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11. Dumbass wont tell the woman he loves her father is a financial felon to protect her, even though it doesnt, but he will tell her BIL, he sister, her best friend, and make all of them lie to her becuase . . . reasons

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12. So even though explaining how he saved her family Gloria still hated him, even though he had plans to sell his company on the open market for a net gain of over 500 million he gave all that up for a single dollar to rescue the failing family business that no one will touch with a ten foot pole when all is said and done due to corruption and mismanagement?

/

WHY THE STUPID?

/

with that amount of money he could have leveraged a buy out for less than 5% of his net worth, rebranded it and had a success on his hands.

Instead we have a company whos CEO and publicly recognized founder is going to prison for corruption, it is common knowledge his children have no business sense, and is now being run by his wife because no one else wants the job - who is going to buy from them?

.

on top of that with stock prices so low, him having no capital, the business now OWNING THE PATENTS, any vulture capital firm will swallow it whole within three months

.

But hey at least he will have his dollar

Another poorly written story drowning in descriptions of useless peripheral nonsense in an attempt to create intrigue and suspense. Fail.

I loved it! Very satisfying and fulfilling story! Thank you so much.

where's the 3sum with the ladies? hahaha

4/5

Aside from the Mary Sue protagonist (genius developer, perfect god body, expert martial artist) and flashbacks, which I don't like but that's just a personal preference, there's one big problem I have with this story. In the beginning, everyone is presented as one big happy family. Main character loves his in-laws, he and his wife hang out with friend and wife . . . they even go on vacations as a foursome. Then he, completely unsuspecting, discovers wife and best friend cheating together and they (along with father-in-law) just go straight to evil movie villain territory. AND THE MAIN GUY KNEW ALL ALONG.

well, you made me read it all, even the parts that should have never been written. Food pantry was not needed at all, who cares what Gloria did for work.

editor needed, too much superfluous information, jumping backwards and forwards in time can be a useful addition to the story, unfortunately not in this case

Terrible writing. Your time jumping throughout the story totally ruined it for the reader. I think about 2 or 3 pages of real-time narration were relevant and readable without confusion