tagHumor & SatireKristie Goes on a Diet

Kristie Goes on a Diet

bytripleflip©

Okay, so like when I started junior college, I had been kinda sorta wild that summer, like not skating or dancing. I hung out at the lake and ate burgers and fries, and the only exercise I was getting was Kung Fu and going to the pistol range with dad, so I had gotten kinda heavy.

Now, I'm like 5'1, and I was like, 110, which isn't exactly tubby, even on me. I kinda liked it, because a lot of it was in my boobs, which are pretty small. I almost got to a 30B bra, instead of those little preteen numbers I usually wear. The rest of it was on my ass, which made it kinda curvy, instead of flat like it is usually. I mean, in my bikini, at the lake, it was pretty spectacular. It was an old bikini, like from 9th grade, because I was real poor and couldn't afford stuff. So anyway, I was almost spilling out of the top, I mean I almost had CLEAVAGE!

The only thing was, when I started skating again, those ten pounds--I skated into his double toe and wound up flat on my newly-fat little ass. I hadn't missed a double toe since I made Juniors. I was like, "Ohmygod!" I'm pretty compulsive, so I was like, "Diet, Kristie, NOW!"

Okay, so there are all these diets, low carb, high carb, low protein, high protein. There's Herbalife and Metabolite and Collagen Plus and the Zone and Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig and Eat Right for your Type. There are these pills you take and you "Burn fat While you Sleep." Okay, the one thing all diets all have in common is that they ignore the First Law of Thermodynamics. This says, roughly speaking, that every calorie you eat either gets burned in exercise (or your Basal Metabolic Rate), or else gets made into fat. It's perfectly simple: "Calories Eaten minus Calories Expended equals Weight Gained(Lost)." So that's Kristie's First Law of Dieting: Cake or cabbage, if you don't eat it, it won't make you fat.

Okay, MY favorite diet is "Kristie's Liquid Protein Diet." Actually, Jill, this geeky girl I knew in high school, thought it up. She was into biology big time, and she was like, TOTALLY popular with the guys, which was really strange for a geek-girl. Then I found out why. She had this science fair project where she was analyzing cum! Of course, the school wouldn't let her do it, but she did it anyway, on her own.

I mean, I was so innocent. I was like, "God, Jill! Where do you get all this cum?" She was like, "From guys." I mean she had all these jars, with these guy's names on them. She had this big notebook, where she analyzed everything, like specific gravity, pH, un-ionized free fatty acids, free protein, carbohydrate, viscosity. She even analyzed the TASTE! Okay, so I had been sucking guys since Brenda showed me how at drug camp in (censored)th grade, but Jill, she wasn't sucking them, she was just milking it out of them into these jars! I was like, "Do they LET you DO that?" Jill just looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Ya THINK?" she said.

The OTHER thing I learned from Jill's research was that cum is low in calories, high in protein, and really very good for you. I thought it would be the perfect diet for a Kristie-person trying to cut down. The only thing was, I didn't want to drink cold cum from a jar--UGH! Okay, okay, I know this turns some people on, and I don't want to gore anyone's ox, but it's not me, okay? I don't really like the taste of cum, unless it's hot and fresh, and I'm sucking it out of a hard, throbbing cock.

Well, I did the math, and I worked out that I would have to suck about six guys a day in order to get enough. Protein, I mean. You know, okay, I know you won't believe this, but it was really hard finding enough guys! My boyfriend, he was real uptight. He wouldn't LET me suck him. I'd jerk him off, he liked that. I'm really a very good cock-sucker. I mean when I was in (censored) school I was the only (censored)th grader who went to the prom with a Senior (over eighteen), wonder why? The buzz: "Kristie won't fuck but she'll BLOW your MIND!"

Anyway, so my boyfriend was out, but there was this other girl at skating, her BF was always coming on to me, because Jennie wouldn't suck, and he had heard I was the second-best on campus. So that was easy, I mean, I just wore my bra-top and short-shorts to skating. His eyes got big and he was like, "Hey, Kristie" and I was like, "Hey Brad," and ten minutes later we were out in his truck smoking this joint.

So he starts trying to kiss me and feel me up. Now, normally I like that, but he was Jennie's guy, and I didn't want to be like, betraying my best friend. I just wanted his cum. So like, we're wrestling, he's trying to get his hands under my top and I'm trying to get in his pants. I mean I can FEEL it in there, all hard and stiff, my mouth is watering. So he's got his hands up under my top. I can feel his fingers on the front of my thin little bra, sliding around over my stiff little nipples--God! that turns me on so much! I was thinking, "God, what a slut, Kristie. You could take Jennie's boyfriend, he's all hot for you, take off your short-shorts, let him get his fingers in that smooth, shaved pussy..."

Then I was like, "Eyes on the prize, Kristie!" so I got him unzipped. He wasn't like, huge, but he was sort of long and totally stiff, I mean I had to WORK to get it out of his pants. So I sort of cradled the head in one hand and tickled the underside, right under the head. THAT got his attention!

He stopped trying to paw me after that, especially when I bent down. He sort of went limp, and he was like, "God, Kristie! God, Kristie!" even before I got it in my mouth. Oh man! I could feel him arch his back as my tongue slithered over him. In about thirty seconds he was groaning and rocking his hips so bad I had to really move to keep him in my mouth. I knew he had had the hots for me since that day Jennie brought him to skating. She didn't TALK to me for two weeks after that, and Jamie told me it was because her BF spent all the time watching ME. So now he has his cock in my silky little mouth.

Okay, okay, now NORMALLY I like to take my time, you know, I don't care if you haven't gotten off for two weeks and your balls are positively BLUE, I can keep you writhing in agony as long as I want. Jill told me, though, that her studies show that more than about two minutes doesn't actually increase the cum output much. I still had five guys to go. I mean, after I really drain a guy, he's just useless for at least three or four hours. So I just got the tip of my little butterfly tongue right on his spot, fluttering away, and poor Brad, he just lost it instantly. I tasted his precum, and pulled back just a little so I could swallow it.

Mmmmmmm! What a LOAD! I hope poor Jennie didn't have "plans," because I was like, massaging his balls and sucking like mad, I mean I didn't stop 'til I tasted PISS! Ugh! Okay, okay, I know, that turn some folks on, and it's okay, but it isn't me. I only like it 'cause I know I've gotten all the GOOD stuff.

Well, afterward we went out for burgers and fries, so I don't know if I could have been satisfied with a few mouthfuls of cum or not. It felt really fulfilling at the time. So after Brad dropped me off, I was like, "Ohmygod! I'm going to wake up REALLY hungry, and who's going to want a BJ at like, 6am?"

Actually, that was EASY: Mom's new stud. Her LAST stud was in her "young" phase, you know, where their age, collar-size, and IQ are all in the low twenties. THIS guy, he was like, 50. He was pretty gross, like a week after he moved in he was standing there in his cum-stained undershirt, cigarette in one hand, Martini in the other, lecturing ME how I better not smoke or drink or screw around. I'm like, "God! I'm just going to skating!"

It was pretty clear that "screwing around" didn't include HIM, 'cause he was always getting drunk and telling me how pretty I was. He was easy. I just slept in and came down. He was asleep on the couch, like he did when he and mom had a fight, which was, like, all the time. I mean, I don't know what mom saw in him. He was wrinkled, fat, I mean, Jesus God! Okay, okay, I didn't care, I was like, really hungry, I just wanted some cum. I just kind of slipped his shorts down and there it was! He was limp when he went in my mouth, but he got hard fast!

It was neat feeling him get hard in my mouth. Usually, they are already hard. So he wakes up, and I guess he has a hangover, because it's like two minutes before he's firing on all cylinders, and by then it was way too late. He didn't even move much, just sort of moaned, and his cock got stiff and hot, like it was going to explode. Then he did, like I got about three good mouthfuls, but it was like, really sour, and I could taste whiskey and cigarettes. Ugh!

Okay, so it was off to class, only four to go, three really, because I aready had another date with Jennie's BF. So like, I KNEW my math teacher was a DOM. (That's "Dirty Old Man," not "Dom" like in B&D.) I was doing okay, so he never offered me his "extra credit" after class makeout, ah, I mean makeUP sessions, like Courtney. God, she was so little and cute, and he'd take her in his office and do god knows what to her, but she passed... Okay, I found out LATER he liked her to lie on his desk with her legs spread while he ate her through her panties. Never did anything else, just liked making her cum like that.

So I was like, "Dr. (censored), I know I have an 'A,' but can I cum for sextra, I mean EXtra credit anyway?" I thought he was going to say, "No, thanks, Kristie, I have a headache." He was really thinking it over, but finally he's like, "Well, I GUESS so, you know how it works, Kristie?" and I'm like, "Uh Huh." So there I am in his little office, with the door locked. I'm lying on his desk with my skirt up and my legs spread and he's kissing me through my panties. I mean, you'd think he'd take them off, but he just likes sucking girls through their panties, what can I say?

So I was getting all wet and turned on, but this wasn't getting me fed, but his big, wet tongue was sliding up and down. I could feel my panties sliding over my bare skin. I just let him make me cum. I LOVE getting sucked, and my stupid BF won't ever do it. The last really good suck I had was when I was (censored). So anyway, I was trying not to act like a total slut, but I came anyway because he was really good. He found my spot and he just kept the tip of his tongue there, sort of massaging gently. Oh man, I was grabbing my ankles, pulling my legs apart for him. I was trying not to wriggle and squirm too much, and I managed not to moan too loud, except when I came, I made this little squeaky noise. Even though I didn't squirm too much, I still felt like a total slut for enjoying that so much.

After that, I figured he'd be hard, right, an all ready to go. I mean I was after him, grabbing at his pants and he was like sort of pushing me away, and then he started sort of crying. He told me he couldn't get it up, that he hadn't had an erection since 1988. Oh, man! Poor guy! So here was a challenge. I'm real competitive, so don't ever challenge me.

Okay, so I know you all know all that "Make Your Penis Bigger" spam, you know, "SECRET TAOIST METHODS MAKE YOUR PENIS HARD AS A LENGTH OF STEEL PIPE" and all that shit. Well, this girl, Jenny Kim, she knows all about that, and she taught me. She's like, "Taoist methods? No secret. Take dick, lickey-lick, get hard like pipe." So the door was already locked, so I just started getting undressed. He was like, "Oh, Kristie, really, you shouldn't," so I just slipped my panties off. I moved his chair back a little and climbed on his lap. I put my arms aound his neck and gave him a big sloppy kiss. I had to kind of move his hand up to my bare breast.

Remember, I still had those extra pounds. My breasts were nice soft baby-fat, stiff little nipples. I was rubbing his hand over them, kissing him. It was like trying to start a wet fire, but he finally caught. He started kissing me and massaging my breasts. He was getting into it, kissing my shoulders and my neck. I was sort of sitting on his dick and I could feel him getting hard. That's when I sort of gently wriggled off his lap and went for his pants.

He was kind of puny, I guess, but I don't have this thing about penis size. Same with boob size. I mean, is a 44DD kept in a bra any better than a 32AA in your mouth? It's not what you HAVE, it's what you DO with it. Besides, some of these guys, they're hung like a HORSE, I can't even get the head in my mouth. Anyway, he was kinda small around, but pretty long. That's just the kind I like in my ass, but hey, I wasn't here for fun, I was HUNGRY! So anyway, for an impotence sufferer, he had a pretty good hard-on. He was just looking down at me with this look of disbelief on his face.

So there I was, in his tiny cluttered office, totally naked, kneeling between his legs. I was holding his cock in one hand and massaging his balls through his pants. I started by just kissing up and down the shaft. If he wasn't quite hard before, THAT did it. Then I sort of licked the underside of the head, the way I like to do, until I could see the precum seeping out. Then I took the whole thing in my mouth. That's when he started groaning and pumping his hips. He was grabbing at my hair, desperate to fuck my mouth, but I didn't want him to cum just yet, so I was moving my head, following his thrusts, so I could tease him with my tongue.

I was trying to guess how long two minutes was, but it didn't matter, because he groaned and started breathing real hard. God! He was kind of an old guy, I was afraid he might have a stroke or something. Anyway, when I felt the first burst of cum, I stopped moving around and let him hold my head and just fuck me as long as he wanted. Okay, I didn't really believe he hadn't cum since 1988, until now. Man! He kept cumming and cumming. He was holding my head, gently but firmly, and just sliding his cock in and out, over my warm, wet, silky cheeks, tongue and lips. He was gasping for breath, and I was really worried, but I was so busy swallowing cum I couldn't do anything about it. I think his was the tastiest cum I had so far. It had a rich, clear taste, more salty than bitter, and not at all like mom's stud.

I sort of lost count, there must have been at least six or seven mouthfuls. He was still hard when he went dry. He just sat there, slumped in his chair with his eyes closed, breathing hard like he couldn't catch his breath. I sort of figured I'd just split, so I got dressed and grabbed my backpack and just sort of slipped out. He was still slumped in his chair, his limp dick hanging out, when I closed the door. I hoped I wasn't going to hear "Junior College Professor Found Dead in his Office" on the news.

So I was fine on two loads of cum all day. I had lots of energy in dance class, and I was just flying at skating. My coach was amazed, and I told her I was losing a few pounds and she just smiled. She thinks I'm a "nice" girl. So anyway, after skating, I was getting pretty hungry. Brad was kind of disappointing. First, he kept trying to kiss me and grope me, even more than before, and when I finally got his cock in my mouth, it took him forever to cum, and then there wasn't even a good mouthful.

I was like, "Okay, I guess it's Landry's." So I put on my white short-shorts and my baby-T--the one that shows my smooth little tummy and my cute little belly-button, got my buss pass and headed for the train station. There's this tunnel on the way to the West End, and it used to be long enough for a quick BJ, but now there's a stop at City Center. Anyway, there was this hott black guy looking at me. He had quite a package and I was tempted, but I didn't want to just follow him, and when I got off at the West End, he was still sitting there watching me.

So I go to Landry's because they all know me since last year, during the Superbowl, me and April did this sort of table dance. I mean, we were both like totally stoned because Theresa's sister got this Thai Stick, it was like dope soaked in opium, and we smoked it, and April's dad is like this big beer distributor, so we drink brew like water. So anyway, we were just sitting at the bar trying to get the bartender to serve us a drink to go with our nachos, and this guy comes by and invites us to this sort of private party in the back. SO anyway, to make a long story short, April is in dance too, and we wound up doing this topless number on the table to Steve Miller's "The Stake." I mean, neither April nor I are really stacked, I'm an "A" and April is maybe a "B," but hey! We can shake what we got! Anyway, we wound up under the table, sucking one dick after another, and afterwards, this guy passed the hat and we split like, $600. So like, does that void my amateur status?

So anyway, it was a different bartender, but he sort of lights up when he sees me, so I guess he's seen the video. So I go out to finish off my joint, and I see him in there on the phone, so next thing you know, I'm under the table. It's a hungry girl's delight, there are seven dicks, more or less hard. Now, there's a strict protocol to be observed: the hardest dick gets sucked first. This is difficult to do under the table in the dark, you just have to feel them all until you find the hardest one. Well, when I finished off the last one, I was BURPING cum, I mean my tummy was all warm and full and I could barely stay awake on the train home. It goes all the way out to the George Bush Turnpike now, so I have to stay awake so I can get off.

So that was it. I kept up pretty much that same schedule, and what with my skating and dancing, I was losing about a pound a day, and I still had lotsa energy and stuff, so in about ten days, I was back under 100 Lbs and nailing my jumps. The only problem was, I had Jennie's BF and the professor, and one of the guys from Landry's in love with me, and I would have had mom's stud too, except he blabbed to her-what a LOSER!-and she threw him out. Never did say anything to ME about it, though...

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