Lights, Camera, Action Part 02

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He had mentioned it to the receptionist as he went to pay his bill and was told the following day the hotel staff would also be dressed up and an intergalactic ball was being held that evening. He declined tickets, picked up his case and suit carrier from his room and headed for home. Maybe being a boring accountant wasn't a bad thing after all.

It was dark and quite chilly by the time Yanik drew into his road. The streetlight shone down, casting a circle of light on his driveway, and he pulled up onto the gravel, glad to be home and done with being polite for at least a week. As he made his way towards his front door he saw a shadow being cast across the grass and warily called out.

"Who's there?"

"It's me. I ... I didn't want to call."

"Nathan?" He moved closer and saw the young man sitting on top of a suitcase. He was dressed in only jeans and a t-shirt and was shivering.

"What are you doing here?"

"I need you, Yan, if only to explain things to. Don't send me away."

"Baby, you're freezing." The endearment slipped from his tongue easily and he saw Nathan look up at him in surprise. "Just come inside, I'll make you a coffee." His voice was unnecessarily curt and Nathan nodded; disappointment now etched on his face, and did as he was told. He had so much to say, but all his words seemed to have deserted him and so, heading for the living room, he curled up on the sofa and tried to get warm.

"Here, put this round you and drink up." Nathan realized he must have nodded off as a cup of steaming coffee appeared in front of him and a duvet was wrapped round him. "You're not wet or damp are you?"

"N ... no, just cccold."

Yanik's heart was in freefall. It hadn't been easy to let go of what he'd had when he couldn't see Nathan, but now, with the younger man right there in front of him, all he wanted to do was sweep him up in his arms, tell him nothing mattered but them, and then kiss his tears away. The problem was other things did matter, and Yan knew they always would.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"Letting me in, the drink, making me warm again."

"I'm not heartless, Nate, you can even stay the night, it's too late for you to go home anyway."

"Will you let me explain things?"

Yan nodded. He moved away from Nathan and made himself comfortable in one of the big reclining leather armchairs opposite from the sofa. He watched as Nate drank down most of his coffee and then saw him composing himself. Finally, with a deep breath, the younger man began.

"I used to be a child model. Mail order catalogues, fashion shows, I even did some work as an extra in a few films. I was getting older though, and there was a glut of models who did what I was doing. I wasn't getting enough work to pay the mortgage and feed myself. Thin maybe in but I was getting emaciated and ill. My brother works for the company who makes my films. He suggested I audition to be in one of their movies when I was about to turn nineteen. I freaked out. There was no way I could have sex with a woman, I wouldn't be able to get it up, couldn't kiss her, it would be a disaster.

"Harry said that wasn't a problem. They did threesome, bi, films, the other guy would deal with the woman, and I'd just concentrate on him. I still wasn't convinced and put off giving him an answer. I didn't work for almost two months though, nothing, not even PR work, and so I called him. He got me an audition the next day, by the end of the week I was filming in a chilly bed-sit in Streatham. I hated it but even if the location wasn't a big deal the company was. I got a basic fee and a two-year contract; I also got a small percentage of the profits. When that movie was a hit I got a bigger percentage from the next one. By the forth one I'd paid off my mortgage and bought a car. I couldn't believe my luck."

Nathan stopped talking; he finished his drink and, for the first time since he'd begun, looked across at Yanik. If he wanted encouragement to continue he got none. Yan was listening intently, there was no doubt of that, but his feelings were carefully hidden and Nate knew he had to carry on, whatever the older man was feeling.

"For the first year or so I didn't have a partner, I was too knackered for one thing. It's hard work, whatever you might think. We may get help keeping it hard but we still have to cum, still have to put our heart and soul into it otherwise it doesn't look real. I didn't want to have to come home and have sex with someone else, for whatever reason.

"I got lonely though, an empty house isn't what I'm used to. When I lived at home Harry was always around, or my mum and dad. Even when I moved out, when I was eighteen, there were always people at my place. Somehow though, I didn't want the other actors and actresses to come home with me and I didn't know how I'd react if someone recognized me, so I tended to stay in, watch TV and have early nights. It wasn't really a playboy lifestyle was it?"

Yanik shook his head slightly. It all sounded so clinical. There was no emotions mentioned except embarrassment and maybe feelings of isolation, neither of which he'd expected Nathan to suffer from.

"I had my hair shaved down real short to help me look different too. The hair in the movies is always a wig. They liked me to change the way I looked each time. I ... I never thought about you recognizing the tat because I didn't think you'd ever see me ... see me perform. I am so sorry."

"Go on." Yanik didn't move, he spoke abruptly because if he did otherwise his feelings would betray him.

"I met a couple of guys at the hotel over the next few months, once I started to go out again. I told both of them what I did, one left almost immediately but the other ..." Again Nathan stopped, and this time Yan knew they were both struggling to keep things together.

"Nate?" His voice was full of emotion and for a moment Nathan looked up.

"He ... he didn't exactly rape me, but it came pretty close." Tears fell now and Nathan's shoulders heaved. "He ... he did it in the back of his car in a lane about ten minutes from the hotel. When ... when he dropped me back off in the car park ... he ... he threw twenty quid at me before driving off. Oh, God, Yan, I didn't want you to do that." He could no longer speak. His words turned into sobs and then, suddenly, Yanik was there, his arms round him holding him tight.

"Shhh, baby, it's ok, no one's going to do that to you any more. Shhh. Come on, precious, it's finished. No more words tonight, no more." Nathan felt the soft lips touch the top of his head as Yan kissed him gently. All the emotions of the past month welled up inside him, spilling out as wave after wave of moans and sobs engulfed him. He held onto Yanik tightly, his body heaving, his tears soaking the shirt he leant against, until, finally, unable to cry any longer, he fell into a fitful sleep in his lover's arms, remembering only vaguely being laid on the sofa and covered properly with the duvet.

The sun was just beginning to find its way in through the blinds when Nathan stirred. He was totally unaware of where he was for a moment, fumbling with the covers as he looked around with sleep clouded eyes before recognizing the home of his lover, and remembering immediately all that had happened. Stifling a gasp Nate looked across at the chair where Yan had been sitting only to see him still there, covered by another duvet on the recliner that had obviously been his bed for the night.

For a few minutes Nathan lay where he was. He was warm, comfortable and at peace. He didn't know how long that would last and he didn't want to change anything. After a while though he knew he would have to get up, if only to go to the toilet. As quietly as possible he slid from under the covers, tiptoed out of the room and made his way towards the bathroom. Yanik stirred slightly but didn't awaken and, with a sigh of relief, Nathan did what was necessary, then washed his face and hands before heading for the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.

Yanik woke to the smell of a good strong Java under his nose. He stretched stiffly and looked up, a smile splitting his face instantly.

"Did you sleep well, baby?"

Nathan, still not believing he was being called that, just nodded.

"Good. I ... I didn't want you to be alone. I hope you don't mind."

"No, it was nice to wake up with you again. I've missed it."

"Go and have a shower, we can talk again after breakfast if you want to."

"I will, and I do. I have to finish, if you can't accept me then, well, I'll know I've given it my best shot."

"I want to, baby, so badly. Go, I'll treat you to a full English."

Yan turned and went into the kitchen, he heard the sound of the water in the bathroom as he cooked and tried not to imagine Nathan naked just two rooms from where he stood. Finally the sounds stopped and he began to put the breakfast onto plates. By the time Nathan came into the kitchen in a clean shirt and jeans two servings of eggs, sunny side up, bacon, fried bread, sausage and mushrooms were waiting to be devoured.

For the most part the men ate in silence. Each had two cups of tea as well as their meal and when both were satisfied they sat back in their chairs and smiled.

"You can cook that for me any time. Thank you, Yan."

"No problem. I have to admit, it was tasty wasn't it?"

"Oh yeah. It's a good job I quit, I'd never keep my boyish figure eating that every day."

Yan laughed and then stopped, he looked across at his companion.

"What did you say?"

"About what?"

"You quit? Nathan?"

"I did some serious thinking after you left on Wednesday. I spoke to Harry, he agreed with me. Yanik, you are more important to me than any job. I'll just have to find something in the normal world. I had to choose between the two and there was no contest."

Yan didn't know what to say. It had never occurred to him to ask Nathan to stop doing what he did and, now he had chosen him over his career, he was speechless.

"I didn't work for about six weeks after that jerk treated me like a whore and I didn't date for over two years. I knew I'd go back to it though, I needed the money, I didn't think I could do anything else, and I didn't want to let Harry down."

"But don't you still need the money? And Harry wasn't that enamoured of me, I could tell."

"You spotted that, huh? No, he took some persuading but in the end he agreed I was doing the right thing. I didn't give up last time because I wasn't in love with anyone. This time there was no other choice. I want to be with you, Yan, if you'll have me, and I know I don't stand a chance of having that happen if I'm still working in ... in films. Those movies will always be out there, you are still gonna have problems with what I did, but this is worth fighting for, and I just don't know any other way of going about it."

Yan shook his head. He stood up and walked away from the table. His head was reeling, and he knew anything he said would be wrong.

"I ... I need to think for a while; I'll go get a newspaper. You stay here." He didn't wait for an answer; instead he grabbed his coat from the back of the chair and headed for the front door. Without turning back to look at Nathan he left and the young man dropped his head to the table. He had no idea if he'd made things better or ten times worse.

Yan walked, thought and seethed. The images of Nathan being taken forcefully were seared to his brain even though he hadn't been there himself. Yanik had been so hurt, so devastated, by what he'd seen on the DVD and he hadn't gone any deeper into his pain than the fact that he'd been lied to before confronting his lover. He hadn't thought about Nathan and his feelings at all. It hadn't been until after the confrontation that he'd felt everyone was laughing at him, but it had always been about him and no one else. The realization shamed Yan and he knew it would be almost impossible for him to make amends.

He nearly walked right past the newsagents so deep in thought was he but even when he had bought his paper he didn't turn for home. He needed to work things out a little more, be in control of his thoughts and feelings, and the ten minutes he'd been out of the house wasn't long enough for that. In the end it was the ringing of his phone which slowed him down and he answered it slightly out of breath and not at all sure where he was.

"Fitzgerald."

"Yan? Are you alright?"

"What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I ... I'll come back now." Yanik looked around, hoping he could remember the roads he had travelled to get to his current location.

"I can come and get you, if you want." Yan could hear Nate was still upset and, not wanting to be away from him any longer than he had to, he agreed; gave the younger man the name of the road he was in and then, leaning against the nearest lamppost, began to read the headlines as he waited.

Nate knew Yanik should have been back in about fifteen minutes and he'd rinsed off the breakfast things and loaded the dishwasher before making his way back to the lounge and sitting down in the chair where Yan had spent the night. He had never told anyone about the rape, and it had been rape, he just hadn't wanted to make Yan any angrier than he'd appeared as he spoke the previous evening so he'd downplayed it a little. The relief was palpable, but it left him so emotional that tears still stung his eyes and as he sat alone, in his lover's house, they fell again. There was no loss of control but Nate knew one discussion wasn't going to be enough. He needed to talk it through again, if Yanik would listen, then maybe he could begin to put it to rest and move on. Nathan was hopeful the relationship he had shared with Yan could be salvaged. Just the feeling of the older man holding him in his arms was enough to brighten his day and his life, but already his body wanted more, needed more. He knew there was no way he could make the first move; it would all be up to Yan, it had to be.

It was when the hall clock chimed ten that Nathan realized he should no longer be alone. He was sure Yan hadn't walked out on him, it was his house after all, but he had a feeling the older man might have got so caught up in his thoughts and emotions that he'd just kept going rather than stopping for the paper as he'd said he would. A quick phone call confirmed some of his suspicions and, after he'd checked the location on 'map quest', Nathan got in his car and drove off, not wanting to keep Yanik waiting any longer than he had to.

For a while after they returned home Nathan and Yanik did nothing more strenuous than sit on the sofa and read the paper. As usual on a Saturday there were plenty of supplements to go round and it was over an hour before either man had finished reading the main articles that caught their interest. Yan had grabbed the financial section while Nate read through the reviews and literacy sections first. Both reached for the sports paper at the same time, Nathan backing off and taking the magazine instead.

Finally, after they had drunk a large cup of coffee each and put the paper back into some sort of order, Yan looked up.

"Talk to me, precious, we can't leave it unfinished like this." Yan knew he too needed to open his heart but had a feeling if he took over the conversation Nathan would retreat.

"I don't know what else to say." All his courage had failed him. The drive in the car, the coffee and paper sharing, it had all been so normal, so how he wanted to spend his time with Yanik; he didn't want to spoil it.

"When that guy ... the one in the car, did you say no?"

"Yes, of course I did. Not that it made any difference."

"Then it was rape, you need to report it to the police."

"Oh, sure. I can just see the headlines. Porn star claims he was raped! Like they're going to believe me. It's like a prostitute crying the same thing."

"What you do for a living should have no relevance to how people treat you." Yan stopped speaking, and then tried to stifle a sob. "Nate, that's what I did, I'm so sorry. Please, please, darling, forgive me."

He moved so he was kneeling in front of his lover, tears on his cheeks, and then looked up. Nathan thought his heart would break, his dominant boyfriend, so submissive before him, and he nodded, unable to speak. Instead he took Yan's hands and pulled him up so they were sitting next to each other again. Nate leant in and tenderly, softly, kissed Yanik on the lips, holding him close as carefully, slowly, he explored his mouth, casting a spell that neither of them wanted to break.

"You've never called me darling before." Nathan looked shyly at his lover, he couldn't remember anyone ever calling him that and he already cherished the memory.

"I haven't done a lot of things I should have, but I plan to change." Yan took a deep breath and then made eye contact with Nate. "You don't have to give up your career, I'd already decided that before you came to collect me ... I don't know much about the porn industry but I have a pretty fair idea that you only have a few good years in you."

"Oh, thanks for that!" Nate smiled despite himself. "It's true though, another six or seven years, ten tops and I'd be wanting to move on anyway. Even in those films I was the submissive one. Unless you are into big hairy guys, which I am by the way," Nathan boldly ran a hand over Yan's chest, evoking a moan before speaking again, "about thirty is the limit. People forget, Yan, I promise they do. If we can get through the next decade no one will know who I am."

"You'll have to help me, Nate. I've always been faithful, I ... I don't know if I can stand the thought of sharing you with others. You ... you cum, for God's sake, that means you have to be aroused, doesn't it?"

"Yes, but, since we met, even though you always top, I pretended it was you I was taking, that way I always came when they wanted me to."

Yan felt as if he'd just received the biggest compliment of his life. He wasn't a handsome stud like the guys Nate worked with, sure he was tall and Nathan liked his cock, but some of those porn stars were hung, he wasn't hung.

"What are you thinking?"

"When ... when you made love with me," he looked away, unable to finish his sentence, unable to cast any more doubt on what Nathan did or didn't do.

"Lover, we have to clear this all up. Ask me, please, I'll answer anything, I promise." Nathan ran a hand into Yan's hair, pushing it back from his face. "So, beautiful, angel, so beautiful."

For a moment Yan was silent, the feel of Nate's skin against his was all he could concentrate on. He was getting aroused despite himself and he knew he had to focus.

"When ... did you use a script, Nate?"

"What?" Nathan looked confused.

"The words, when you were with me were they what you say in your films?"

"Oh, God, baby, no. Yanik no one has ever satisfied me the way you do. That cock of yours with its sexy curve, your voice, you dominate me but let me enjoy it all. I ... I love you, Yan, what I say to you, even if the words are sometimes the same, they only mean something when I'm with you."

"Ohhh." The sound came out as a groan of anguish. "I treated you so badly, Nate, and I don't know how I'll ever get you to forgive me for that. I love you too, and I've missed you so much."

"Shhh, there's nothing to forgive. You apologised, that's enough for me. This is going to take a lot of talking, of feeling our way, before you're comfortable with it, I know that." He paused, an idea suddenly occurring to him. "Yan, come with me, next time."

"Pardon? You mean when you ... when you film?"

"I do. It's not sexy, I want you to see, maybe then you'll understand a bit more."

Yan thought for a moment. He knew ordinary film actors had said sex scenes were embarrassing, not at all arousing and he guessed that could be true of porn films too. He nodded, deep in thought, and saw Nathan smile.