tagHumor & SatireLiterotica: The Penalties

Literotica: The Penalties

byoggbashan©

Copyright Oggbashan December 2011

The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

This is a work of fiction. The events described here are imaginary; the settings and characters are fictitious and are not intended to represent specific places or living persons.


*************************************************

This Penalty Notice concerns YOU and has immediate effect.

There is no appeal against the provisions of this notice.

Dear Sir/Madam/Whatever,

You have been identified as a current or past subscriber to Literotica.

That is a breach of more UN resolutions than even Israel has managed and you are subject to the following penalties as set out below. You should read the whole document and be prepared for the actions detailed.

1. Question on sexual status.

Are you male? If yes, proceed to Section A.

Are you female? If yes, proceed to Section B.

Are you transsexual? If yes, proceed to Section C.

Do you not know which you are? If yes, proceed to Section D.

Are you unwilling to answer this question? Proceed to Section D.

Once you have read the appropriate Section A to D you must return to this point and answer the next question.

2. Question on Marital Status.

Are you married? If yes, proceed to Section E.

Are you single? If yes, proceed to Section F.

Are you divorced/separated? If yes, proceed to Section G.

Are you in a partnership that is not a marriage? If yes, proceed to Section H.

Don't you know? Proceed to Section I.

Once you have read the appropriate Section E to I you must return to this point and answer the next question.

3. Question on Religious Belief

Are you Christian? If yes, proceed to Section J for Jesus.

Are you Muslim? If yes, proceed to Section M for Mecca.

Do you belong to any other religion? If yes, proceed to Section K.

Are you a non-believer? If yes, proceed to Section L.

Section A.

You have said that you are male. The majority of Literotica subscribers are male. This does not exempt you from the penalties, just because you are in a majority. You should be ashamed of yourself. Return to answer the Question on Marital Status.

Section B.

You have said that you are female. A minority of Literotica subscribers are female. This does not exempt you from the penalties. There are no concessions for minorities. You should be ashamed of yourself. Return to answer the Question on Marital Status.

Section C.

You have said that you are transsexual.A minority of Literotica subscribers are transsexual. This does not exempt you from the penalties. There are no concessions for minorities. You should be ashamed of yourself. Return to answer the Question on Marital Status.

Section D.

You either do not know, or are unwilling to say, whether you are male, female or transsexual. A minority of Literotica subscribers are in these categories, and all of them are assholes. Being an asshole does not exempt you from the penalties. There are no concessions for assholes. You should be ashamed of yourself. Return to answer the Question on Marital Status.

Section E.

You have stated that you are married. Your married partner has been sent a notice informing them that you have been issued with a penalty notice for being a member of Literotica. Any penalties imposed by your partner are in addition to those set out in this notice and your partner's penalties, unless they include your demise, do not exempt you from the penalties herein. Your social security card, driving licence, passport and credit references will be endorsed with a statement that you have been convicted of being a member of Literotica. That statement is permanent and will remain on your records from now until death and beyond. Return to answer the Question on Religious Belief.

Section F.

You have stated that you are single. That does not exempt you from the penalties in this notice. Your social security card, driving licence, passport and credit references will be endorsed with a statement that you have been convicted of being a member of Literotica. That statement is permanent and will remain on your records from now until death and beyond. Return to answer the Question on Religious Belief.

Section G.

You have stated that you are divorced/separated. Your former or separated partner has been sent a notice informing them that you have been issued with a penalty notice for being a member of Literotica. They can use this notice to renegotiate or to negotiate the divorce settlement. Any penalties imposed by your partner are in addition to those set out in this notice and your partner's penalties, unless they include your demise, do not exempt you from the penalties herein. Your social security card, driving licence, passport and credit references will be endorsed with a statement that you have been convicted of being a member of Literotica. That statement is permanent and will remain on your records from now until death and beyond. Return to answer the Question on Religious Belief.

Section H

You have stated that you are in a partnership that is not a marriage. Your partner has been sent a notice informing them that you have been issued with a penalty notice for being a member of Literotica. Any penalties imposed by your partner are in addition to those set out in this notice and your partner's penalties, unless they include your demise, do not exempt you from the penalties herein. Your social security card, driving licence, passport and credit references will be endorsed with a statement that you have been convicted of being a member of Literotica. That statement is permanent and will remain on your records from now until death and beyond. Return to answer the Question on Religious Belief.

Section I

You have stated that you don't know whether you are in a relationship or not. You will be treated as if you are single. See Section F above and please note that any potential partner will be aware that you have been convicted of being a member of Literotica. If you are in fact married, formerly married, or in a partnership that is not a marriage, your conviction cannot be concealed from your partner/ex-partner and you will probably incur penalties from them as well. Return to answer the Question on Religious Belief.

Section J for Jesus

You have stated that you are Christian. The following applies to ALL Christians and then follow details for particular/peculiar varieties of Christians.

You are a miserable sinner.

"What are you?"

Answer, out loud;

--- "I am a miserable sinner."

"What should you do?"

--- "I should repent."

"Go forth, and sin no more."

But that isn't all.

If you are Catholic:

You have incurred x (number to be stated by your priest) additional years in Purgatory. That number can be reduced by y (number to be stated by your priest) days by attending Mass every day, or by a year for every 1,000 dollars paid to the St Mugwumpus fund for priestly comforts.

If you are Baptist:

You are suspended from membership of this church for x (number to be stated by your Minister) years. That number can be reduced by a year for every 10,000 dollars paid to the Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition fund for ministerial support.

If you are Anglican/Episcopalian:

That's all right, then. Please put a suitable donation in the offertory. Large denomination notes are preferred. Don't forget to complete the tax waiver.

If you belong to another church that has strong views on sexual malpractice:

You are expelled. You are no longer part of this church. No! No money can buy your redemption, but money will be accepted to fund the anathemas sung every Sunday.

If you belong to another church that has liberal views on sexual malpractice:

You should not have fallen from grace. You can redeem yourself. Bring your large check to the office after today's service.

Section K

You have stated that you belong to a religion other than Christian or Muslim. We are not prepared to detail all the possibilities but you have a choice of penalty.

You can choose:

a) Being trampled to death by elephants, or

b) Being torn apart by water-buffalo, or

c) Being eaten by the sacred crocodile, or

d) Immediate conversion to become a Christian or a Muslim. (If you are a woman we do not recommend becoming a Muslim -- See Section M for Mecca.)

Section L

You have stated that you are a non-believer. You godless heathen, you are heading straight for Hell, without passing Go nor collecting your $200. If you continue to maintain your non-believing status, the penalties detailed in Section K will apply. Not even the flying spaghetti monster, nor Elvis, can save you.

Section M for Mecca

You have stated that you are Muslim. If you are a man, your penalty will be halved.

If you are a woman, your penalty will be doubled and may include stoning to death.

If you are transsexual, or you do not know whether you are a man or woman, the penalty is immediate stoning to death, in public, recorded on High Definition TV for worldwide distribution.

Your case will be heard by the Religious Police once you have survived the necessary course of imam-approved torture. If you are a woman - your survival is optional and not necessary.

The penalty decided by the Religious Police will be put into effect immediately.

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