All Comments on 'Little Things Ch. 01 of 04'

I like this storyline, most just go right for the sex part not some slow foreplay and thinking. I can't wait for more.

Here's what makes a story above average; the emotional character buildup. Nice start, can't wait to see how this one gets to where it's going.

a great story in the making....

you go through the trouble to tell us all the things YOU don't like about the story yet you were stupid enough to post it just doesn't make sense. if you as the writer don't like it then DON'T POST IT UNTIL YOU DO LIKE IT PUT IT ASIDE AND WRITE SOMETHING ELSE UNTIL YOU FELL LIKE FIXING THIS ONE NEVER POST ANYTHING YOU DON'T LIKE

This is EXACTLY the kind of story that I look for on this website. Keep this storyline going, and keep on writing. You've got talent and quite a bit to contribute to this site.

Actually, that's meant as a compliment. I love the way you have built the story. I was kind of hoping that April was going to be watching while they consumated their relationship. She'd be in the doorway crying because she knew she not only couldn't have him but also realised that she probably would never have anybody love her like that. A sad but beautiful story worth continuing. Thanks for a five star story. Ron

I'm glad to hear some positive reactions. :) The next section should be up fairly soon; it's already submitted, just pending approval.

"SEEMS STUPID" guy: Sorry! It's just that if I waited until if I was totally happy with everything in a story before putting it out, I'd never actually present anything at all.

Ron: Hah. Well, April isn't really the sort of person to get much hung up on 'love.' Thanks for the compliment.

This first bit is fantastic! If you can continue along with this level of quality... Possibilities are amazing.

Fantastic stories like this are few and far between. I look forward to devouring more of whatever you write.

By the time I reached the end of your first chapter, I had forgotten your opening remarks about not being totally satisfied with your final product. (Based on the positive comments in this section, your fear that the story wasn't 'up to snuff', were groundless anyway.

I forgot your opening comments because from the first paragraph, I was hooked! And I also disagree with the commenter who said you write like a woman. I believe men are just as capable of writing a deeply emotionally satisfing scene as a woman is. If you read WALLY LAMB'S novel "She's Come Undone" you would SWEAR it was penned by a woman!

My point is...A great author is a great author. And what you have begun is nothing short of a GREAT STORY, please don't stop. And thank you for sharing your gift!!

Michael

I am a woman, and I really thought you were one too. You're struggles with showing what emotional stress a woman can go through when fighting what is socially "right and decent" and what she really wants was fantastic! Very very rare, even when written by an actual woman. Thankyou.

Loved your story, feels very real....

Why do you have to portray David as such a wimp? Pining over something that he (at the time) knows wouldn't come out with any fruition and denying himself the simple joy of physical release and companionship. While his sister live a promiscuous lifestyle. If he can't be in a relationship, couldn't you at least portray him in a casual relationship with a friend/s. It doesn't have to be baseless. Why would it have to be all or nothing? Or is it deliberate? To somehow paint a stark portrayal of a saint and a sinner? To demonstrate somehow the purity of David's love? I just don't get it.

J [drazvich(at)live(dot)com]

Hm. Unexpected question.

Sex exists in tension between emotion and sensation, between the mind and the body. There is sex as the "simple joy of physical release," and as an expression of the connection between two people. Most real instances of it take from both columns...an act of physical pleasure between people who care about one another. When you subtract the emotional element, something is lost. I'm aware that there are those who don't particularly care about that something, but, well...sex as a purely physical act interests me little as a person, and still less as a writer. It's boring. Mechanical. Empty.

David is a sensitive soul, as his sister says. His situation still in flux, fumbling with relationships as youths do, getting involved with the girl from his hometown despite his own misgivings. Even consummating that relationship - he finds that it is wrong to him without the emotional component. There is in fact a mirroring here between David and Sam, though she took longer to realize it, to feel the "creeping wrongness." Each of them needs sex to mean something. Does that make them 'wimps?' I suppose that is up to the reader's perspective.

Still. If you do not find that refraining from casual sex lends a greater significance to his devotion, it may be that your sensibilities are out of kilter from those with which the story was written.

So far i think you have been a little too hard on yourself. After reading your forward i thought your story was going to be boring with no motivation or sexual tension whatsoever, and i found it quite the contrary. I personally am enjoying the slow plot development as it is more realistic. Take pride in yourself.

why would you admit you as the writer don't like your own story seems you would drive away readers, after all who wants to read something the writer himself doesn't like. makes the writer sound like a real idiot for even posting it. never post anything you don't like or atleast have the brains not to tell the readers you don't like it.

You felt your story needed something, and maybe some pompous English professor could find fault in your story. The truth of the matter is that it is a very good story that captures the reader. It is not the gratuitous madness that is easy to find in Literotica, and I found it to be a breath of fresh air, even here, where I enjoy wallowing in inappropriateness. You created something with depth, even if you felt it needed more emotion, you did provide it. To give more would have meant writing a novel. This was long and winding, and I bought into it. Ending it after chapter 4 was fine. it allows one to wonder what happened to them. But the addition of chapter 5 did provide closure.

As a woman, I can safely say that you captured the feminine angst very well. I too remember trying to come to terms with how men perceive women. And the feeling of not being considered better than a lay (good or not) and then no longer of value. I made sure to take the time to vote on each chapter, and look forward to reading more from you.

writing critiques whatever, this is hot. as. fuck.

Hmmm, alright .. I bite.

I would like you to write something you would actually be proud of.

Because this is already pretty good.

Now this is what I call true erotica.

very good so far. hope it remains between brother and sister in following chapers

Stunning. Now I have to read the rest.

Wow.

tense build up

Might be one of the hottest things i have read and they barely did anything

April kinda tanks the enjoyment of this for me, makes the sister seem.. I dno, weak maybe?

Just hard to take her seriously when this chick treats her brother and her like shit and she doesn't do anything.

Hoping it gets better but kinda made it meh for me.

Wow, that build up with a tease of what the future might hold. I sure hope this turns out well. Never understood why people try so hard to deny their feelings, building a hefty portfolio of regret for later reflection, just because others might deem it to be weird or wrong. Maybe that's just me.