All Comments on 'Little Things Ch. 04 of 04'

I love the fluid imagery, the narrative tone and the build up. It's long, but you had a lot to say, and loved every word.

Thank you.

You really dragged me in, I felt all of their emotions and insecurities. It was long, but it was worth it. Definitely one of the best stories I have read here, thank you

The eroticism contained in this story is completely overpowering. I'm so engulfed in emotion that I can't remember breathing while I was reading.

If a text book containing instructions on how erotica SHOULD be written, students should be referred back to this story as THE perfect example.

I have deliberately refrained from comment until all four chapters had been published for fear that the quality would diminish. I need not have worried. The best - ever!

5/5 (Wish I could award more.)

This was a wonderful series. Very good writing. I will be looking forward to reading more of your stories.

You have a great read here with Little Things. You wrap the reader around the story and keep them there. The anticipation of your next part was very good; like how Sam TRIED everything she could think of to blame Sam and then how met Eric-then saw the light. Sam then tried to go to brother and "make up or make out" but brother says it has to be when you want. I personally enjoyed your work and there is no way to thank you for a wonderful read. Looking forward to your next story or series. Adding you to my favorites. You have a way of bringing the characters to life! Going keep eyes open for your next submission.

purplelily

I just bookmarked your stories. You are an incredibly talented author. I hope you stay on and write more stories. I read all four chapters in one sitting. Incredible.

This was a great series I felt more from this story than from most others that I have read and I cant wait to read more of your stories but one of my problems is I think you may have hindered what this series couldve been by limiting yourself to 4 chapters to this and I would suggest not doing that in the future

Mike: I don't really aim to write 'series,' in the sense that they tend to arise on this site. This was a single story, written as one piece and then broken into parts for ease of reading; I knew from the start where it was going to end, and knew that going beyond that point would undermine such narrative as existed. It's my feeling that without an end, without a goal in sight, stories lack focus, and perhaps in a deeper sense, lack meaning.

I enjoyed the series all except the end. It just died. All of the build up for a climax and it was over and left me wanting it to finish.

I read the 4 parts of this story and I wanted to compliment you on your writing. A really well written piece. Perhaps some point in the future you could revisit their characters and let us know what has happened in the time that has passed? Anyway, congrats on an excellent story.

would have been better stuck in your head instead of here boring us and pushing your unrealistic and unbelievable stories at us if you had to post it it would have been better in the fantasy area because that is all this will ever be A FANTASY

The first three chapters were well-crafted, and having the main character try to distance herself from her brother by pursing a sexual encounter with someone else is a plausible enough reaction. The problem is that up until the very end of Ch. 03 the story has a sense of excitement, playfulness, and arousal. In your closing chapter she verbally abuses her brother, almost gets raped, throws herself at her brother, breaks-down in tears, and it's after all those terrible things happen when all the joy has been robbed from these two that their physical relationship is allowed to reach its apex. Besides that, the whole 'boy picking up girl who was left distraught and stranded, who then nobly rejects her offer of compensation' bit is pretty cliche. My advice would be to scrap everything after the oral sex scene and try and rework the ending without so much depression or such a sense of some long-term romantic commitment for the two of them because given their ages and her earlier feelings about getting tied down it just doesn't seem that believable.

Interesting. I appreciate your take on it, and I do partially agree; some of the problem I feel in the end is that I was trying for some fairly rapid tone shifts that didn't come off especially well. The rest...I don't know.

The final chapter is largely driven by Sam's delayed reaction to all their transgressions, all the steps that were dismissed as 'little things.' Up until that point, before the barn scene, she's still operating under the self-deception that they aren't doing anything of consequence. The anger and the negative emotions, the loss (at least temporarily) of that playfulness, has to happen when that illusion is broken by doing something that can't really be dismissed. She drives them apart out of the strength of that reaction, feeling that this is something they can't do - and this reaction is something I don't think I can get rid of, at least with the character as I understand her.

But even despite this, their relationship - their feeling for each other - remains strong. David, obviously, still cares. Sam is awful to him out of what she sees as necessity, driven in part by her own inner turmoil, and her verbal abuse of him is largely reflective of her own fears and insecurities. In particular, when she says "Like you're such a fucking...freak, you can't even manage a real relationship with anyone outside your family," she's (without realizing it, of course) talking about -herself.- When she tells him that things, once broken, stay that way, she's upset at herself for what she sees as her failure, breaking their relationship. The central conflict of the chapter is (at least intended to be) not between Sam and David, but just -within- Samantha. Despite outward appearances. Though it becomes fairly dark and unpleasant for her, it is a darkness that reaffirms David's importance to her. If by, as you point out, something of a cliche.

As for the sense of the long-term commitment - well, it is just her feeling at that moment. But I would emphasize that her earlier-expressed attitude towards the idea was not so much a rejection of getting tied down in general so much as an ambivalence towards the -people- with whom she had been involved. Consider from the first chapter, "Now they're hardly more than a handful of memories, while he's still the most important person in my life." Or watching the movie, in the second; "But I also feel a little ache, a faintly painful force in the beating of my heart. Their feeling, their love, their desire for each other. It's a fantasy, yeah, a mindless image, but I can't avoid a quiet wanting, that I had someone to love like that. To love me like that." She wishes the classical ideal of romantic love were real; her prior experiences have just not really let her believe in it.

So...I don't really think so fundamental a change to the ending chapter is desirable. Still, I am glad for the analysis and attempt at constructive criticism.

I agree that the arc of the last chapter was the nessecary and appropriate conclussion to the story, and I didn't have a problem with the cliche of the interaction with Eric - cliche has its roots in reality. I think if there was any weakness in the ending, it was that there wasn't enough foreshadowing to prepare us for the strength of Sam's insecurities and lack of self worth. The vehemence of her reaction to David after the scene in the barn, and her inability to comprehend what he truly wants from their relationship hints at a much more complex back-story than we were given.

Overall I found this a beautifully writen story which drew me in to the emotional life of the characters, but in the end I felt I understood what was going on in David's mind beter than I did that of the narator, Sam.

This is the most thought out and incredibly erotic story I have ever read. Please consider a sequel,a continuation of this with maybe there love is discovered or shared with another. Bravo!

Great writing, a true page turner. 5/5 for both "How they may be" and "Little things".

Waiting for your next story to come out...

This is one of the best stories on this site. You are clearly well read in literature, poetry, the classics, and dare I say, psychology? Its a characer driven piece, low on plot but artful in its emotiveness, the agony of loving someone forbidden, and the cruelty of abandonment. There were only a few quibbles I had with it. Sometimes it wandered into cliche but it was barely noticed among the beautiful prose e.g. "sapphire blue" being repetitive, the "two halves of a whole... not knowing where one ended" (I paraphrase). And David is always "adoring" and the joy was "empathic" was also repeated quite often and a little jarring. At times I also felt a little uncomfortable with David's submissiveness and Sam's cruelty in her rejection. I understand he is 18 and she older, both consenting adults but he is portrayed as emotionally a boy on the cusp of manhood and at times it almost seemed like coercion. It would be interesting to see if you do continue this and how their characters would develop; whether David becomes more dominant and stronger if thy had to deal with social and moral prejudice. I think the evidence of your writing would weave an interesting follow-up if you so wish. A final point, I found the ending a little unbelievable. In some countries, consensual incest is still illegal and one could go to gaol (see Tabitha Suzuma's Forbidden). Even where it is not illegal, it is still not accepted. The relationship between April and Sam is rocky to say the least, and it is nowhere explicit that Marie is a close friend. Would a couple who only a few days before were fearful of discovery reveal themselves so readily? It felt unrealistic. I probably am a bit too critical but I just wanted to give an honest, detailed review. Your piece is only one of two I've reviewed because it was so good. It felt almost too real in some places (which is a good thing!) so maybe I'm not applying liberal doses of artistic license to my critique. You are extremely talented. Why are you posting on this site? Go get a book deal! I'm sure you're equally adept at "high brow" literature :). There is also a market for gay/women's erotica if you wished. Don't let your talent go to waste! Best wishes and good luck in all your endeavours.

No, I'm glad when anyone offers in-depth criticism. Nice as it is to hear someone say that a story is the ____est and most _____ they've ever read, it doesn't help me improve.

Repetition, yes. It is to a certain extent intention, except that I'm never sure how much I ought to have, where the line is between establishing theme and becoming tiresome...and I'm as prone as anyone to falling into ruts, using a term once more because I can't quickly think if another way to put it. Something I need to work on, definitely. Though I didn't think I said 'empathic' that often. Anyway.

Definitely the 'slightly coercive' aspects were deliberate - though they wavered back and forth a bit, as I never decided with precision to what extent I wanted to make that an aspect of the story. This, the relationship presented - I tried to make it, well, 'beautiful,' or at least feel beautiful to the people involved, without it necessarily being the healthiest from an outside perspective. :) Love is, after all, a madness of two people, a willing blindness. The habits of childhood, of an older and younger sibling's interaction, followed these two. She is an assertive sort, especially with him...accustomed, as she says, to him going along with her wants. Would he change as their relationship solidifies? Maybe. That's something I think I'll leave entirely up to the reader. Don't have a firm answer, myself. Definitely not writing anything after chapter 5; it was growing repetitive enough as it is.

The ending, the reveal - I have to plead guilty. It is more than a trifle unreasonable, unlikely. With April there is perhaps some justification, as she made her feelings on incest known to Sam, but with Marie...far less so. Even if they have the past friendship to justify it, I didn't make that fact known. I had ideas for what the reveal would look like, the conversation putting a capstone on the previous conflicts with April, and so I forced them into being. Likewise, I thought it might be cute to have Marie offer essentially 'medical advice.' Mea culpa...probably, with hindsight, it would likely have been better to have them inadvertently caught, rather than deliberately reveal it.

Anyway. I'm glad it felt real to you. The two things I aim for in my writing are reality and beauty...though the order varies, from moment to moment.

I haven't even read chapter 5 yet. I've already stayed up late reading, and am torn between a good night's sleep and finishing this out.

This novel--that's what this is--is why I return to Literotica. Sorting and sifting for weeks and months at a time through the endless parade of crap on here, I often barely glance at more than the first couple of lines. With this, that was all it took to hook me.

I don't comment nearly as often as I should. I know writers like to receive some appreciation for their work, and they should. But often there's so much left wanting for even the hottest, most contest-winning editor's choice submission in the many thousands found here.

It's 10:30 at night, my eyes are blurry from reading for the last few hours, and my brain is nearing the final arc of it's daily tail-spin, so the words aren't coming. Maybe when I've finished Chapter 5, I'll be able to find them, and arrange them into something intelligible.

But I can think of this to say: You are an artist, and this is a piece of art.

This has to be the best i have read. bar none.

Words simply fail to describe how amazing this story is. I have read some very good stories on this site, but never one with so much emotional investment. This series has surpassed all of my expectations, and the loooooooong build-up is damn worth it!

Keep up the good work.

freaking job. Emotion, interactions and that feel... This was perfect.

I enjoyed it a lot, but I would've loved to see David fight back or ignore her and be angry at her, and make her fight a little to get him back ya know?

Overall loved it :)

but I found Sam's final resolution within character. Once the emotional dam burst, her emotions had to some pouring out until there was nothing left. When she woke up in her bed, she saw what was left - her love for David.

Agreed, the ending was very short. And tells nothing about how they will cope with what is painted as a very conservative set of parents, much less their future.

Wondered a bit about their falling asleep in the barn. Farming is hard work and a lot of work. Not just morning chores but evening chores, too. When Dad returned from town, I expected him to find out where David was and what he was up to. Yes, there's less to do in winter, but there is still a lot to do. And, the mention that dawn was just visible in the window when she wakes up and decides to consummate the relationship. In winter, dawn comes after you at the chores, especially the further north you are. If she saw dawn, David should have been up and out the door already, working with his Dad.

Only a few odd typos or extra words toward the end. After a long missive like this, not surprising (sometimes one hurries toward the final goal), and overall, exceptionally well written. Haven't read the chapter five yet, and based on the hints, wondering about that.

Felt like I was there!

Such a loving story, filled with all the conflict that must arise between siblings on occasion.

Thanks!

I absolutely loved this story but I think you are too hard on yourself, too self-critical, too dismissive of your obvious talent. Two examples: 1) In your forward you wrote that you didn't think you captured a feminine voice. I beg to differ and I've thought all along that you are a woman (I noted that your profile didn't specify your gender) ; and 2) In the afterward you wrote that you found the ending too abrupt. Again, I simply don't see this. Samantha"s epiphany, as with the the rest of the story, was presented in a most lyrical prose. In the final paragraph, especially with the brief verbal exchange, I felt you "landed" the story, giving it an earthy, more humanistic ending.

Fantastic.+++ Thanks.

The ending is perfect. We don't need to know any more. We know she loves him, has accepted his love...that moment...frozen...perfect.

This is one of the best stories on vhere. Sell written. Nice slow build up to the finale. Wish I could write half as well.

This is the only part of the 4 I have read that I am not going to vote 5 stars, I understand that the scene with eric and sam was necessary for more drama or conflict but I don't like those types of scenes even more so if it reached to point of cunnilingus, I was hoping that it wouldn't get to that and sam would put a stop to it, I truly disliked sam in this part, and even thinking that David is better off without her and find someone else, maybe that is exactly what you intended when you wrote the scene, I am really into the bro/sis stuff but I rarely dislike the "experienced/slutty" sisters in stories but this one did it for me, you're one heck of an Author, I hope you would find the "mood" to write stories again. Thank you

While there are many things I can nitpick at, mostly from a personal preference perspective, overall this story was really good. I liked the telling style and it was nice to see it from a female perspective. I agree that the Eric scene was a little much - did it really have to get to pussy licking (feels like an extra unnecessary humiliation)? And being made to think she would be raped? Made me feel queasy. I think that could have been avoided, but what's done is done.

It was a really slow burn overall but I think it was too much considering where it ended up. So much resistance to getting with David, but slowly overcoming it, then a sudden rejection (hate this but it seems to be all too common in these stories sadly), then a traumatic experience, then the realization of what she should've known already: they belong together. I thought Sam was a complex character at first, but in the end, I've come to think she's just a run-of-the-mill damaged woman that thinks she's unworthy of love and sees herself as nothing more than a set of pleasure holes. It made me cringe a little and roll my eyeballs at times, but still, it was an overall enjoyable read.

The ending was a little lacking but I see there is a part 5 available. Gonna check that out.